B   3   21t 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


BEING   A  COLLECTION  OF  ARTICLES  WRITTEN  FOR  PECJCS  SUN, 

MILWAUKEE,    WIS.,    GENERALLY    CALCULATED  TO 

THROW  SUNSHINE  INSTEAD  OF  CLOUDS  ON 

THE    FACES   OF   THOSE   WHO 

READ   THEM. 


O-EOZ^O-E   w\   i 

EDITOR  "PECK'S  SUN,"  AND  AUTHOR  OF  "  PECK'S  FUN. 


CHICAGO: 
BELFORD,  CLARKE  &  CO., 

ST.    LOUIS. 
BELFORD  &  CLARKE  PUBLISHING  CO. 

MDCCCLXXXII. 

LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


COPYRIGHTED. 
BELFORD,  CLARKE  &  CO. 

1882. 


PRINTED  AND  BOUND 

BY 

DONOHUE  &  HENNEBERRY, 

CHICAGO. 


CONTENTS. 


About  Hell 36 

About  Railroad  Conductors 249 

Angels  or  Eagles 197 

Arthur  will  Keep  a  Cow 61 

Accidents  a.id  Incidents  at  Theatres 146 

Addicted  to  Limburg  Cheese 96 

All  About  a  Sandwich 150 

Another  Dead  Failure 274 

Another  View  of  the  Case 219 

A  Bald-Headed  Man  Most  Crazy 142 

A  Case  of  Paralysis 128 

A  Cold,  Cheerless  Ride 136 

A  Doctor  of  Laws 92 

A  Female  Knight  of  Pythias 19 

A  Hot  Box  at  a  Picnic 252 

A  Kansas  Cyclone 188 

A  Lively  Train  Load 78 

A  Mean  Trick 17 

A  Peck  at  a  Cheese 48 

A  Sewing  Machine  Given  to  the  Boss  Girl 84 

A  Temperance  Lecture  that  Hurt 263 

A  Trying  Situation 181 

A  Washington  Surprise  Party 258 

An  .Esthetic  Female  Club  Busted 42 

An  Accident  all  Round 199 

An  Arm  that  is  not  Reliable 27 

And  He  Rose  up  and  Spake 279 

Bounced  from  Church  for  Dancing 29 

Boys  will  be  Boys 23 

Boys  and  Circuses 179 

Bravery  of  Mrs.  Garfleld .  266 

Broke  up  a  Prayer  Meeting 254 

Buttermilk  Bibbers 41 

Cannibals  and  Cork  Legs 88 

Camp  Meeting  in  the.Dark  of  the  Moon 218 

Changed  Satchels 102 

Church  Keiio 211 

Couldn't  get  away  from  Him 55 

Grossman's  G  oat 12 

Dogs  and  Human  Beings 58 

Don't  Appreciate  Kindness 86 

Don't  Leave  your  Gun  Around 245 

Duck  or  no  Dinner 288 


Contents. 


Failure  of  a  Solid  Institution 292 

Female  Doctors  will  Never  Do 9 

Fooling  with  the  Bible 45 

Good  Will  and  Compassion 154 

How  a  Grocery  Man  was  Maimed 216 

How  Jeff  Davis  was  Captured 192 

How  Sharper  than  a  Hound's  Tooth 80 

Illustrating  the  Assassination 268 

Incidents  at  the  Newhall  House  Fire 118 

Large  Mouths  are  Fashionable 171 

Looking  for  a  Mooley  Cow 173 

Male  and  Female  Mashing 130 

Misdeal  in  a  Sleeping  Car 204 

Music  on  the  Waters 71 

No  Children  Admitted 183 

Our  Blue-Coated  Dog  Poisoners 276 

Our  Christian  Neighbors  have  Gone 161 

Palace  Cattle  Cars 286 

Paralysis  in  a  Theatre 207 

Police  Searching  Women 31 

Prize  Fighting  and  Mormonism 201 

Religion  and  Fish 90 

Sense  in  Little  Bugs 107 

Shall  there  be  Hugging  in  the  Parks? v 64 

Shooting  on  Sunday,  with  the  Mouth 255 

Some  Talk  about  Monopolies 137 

Spurious  Tripe 127 

Summer  Resorting Ill 

Terrible  time  on  the  Cars 99 

The  Advent  Preacher  and  the  Balloon t 212 

The  Bob-Tailed  Badger 67 

The  Class  in  Physiology  265 

The  Cause  of  Rheumatism 214 

The  Difference 126 

The  Difference  in  Horses 94 

The  Difference  in  Clothes 260 

The  Deadly  Paper  Bag 122 

The  Female  Burglar 156 

The  Girl  that  was  Hugged  to  Death 159 

The  Giddy  Girl's  Quarrel 243 

The  Great  Monopolies 273 

The  Guinea  Pig 290 

The  Gospel  Car.  114 

The  Harmful  Hammock 176 

The  Horse  Girl  Race 229 

The  Infidel  and  his  Silver  Mine. 271 

The  Man  from  Dubuque 240 

The  Mistake  about  it 336 

The  Ministerial  Pugilist 69 


Contents.  5 

The  Naughty  but  Nice  Church  Choir 104 

TheNewCoal  Stove 134 

The  Pious  Deacon  and  the  Worldly  Cow 231 

The  Queerest  Name  209 

The  Question  of  Cats 224 

The  Sudden  Fire  Works  at  Racine 164 

The  Trouble  Mr.  Storey  has 232 

The  Telescope  Fish-Pole  Cane , 20 

The  Uses  of  the  Paper  Bag , A 132 

The  Virginia  Duel 124 

They  Don't  Know  what  they  are  Talkling  About 187 

Those  Bold,  Bad  Drummers „ . .  194 

Two  Girls  at  a  Picn ic 152 

Tragedy  on  the  Stage 234 

Uncovering  the  top  of  a  Fruit  Jar 39 

Woman  Dozing  Democrat 75 

Young  Fools  who  Marry 168 


SUNBEAMS. 

A  Word  to  Colored  Concert  Troops 55 

Heresy 133 

Hayes  on  the  Grass    134 

Brussels  Carpet  in  a  Wood 140 

Mr.  Peck  Responds 144 

Gas  at  Janesville 154 

Anna  Dickinson  160 

Decoration  Day 294 

Scene  at  Palmyra 295 


NOT    GUILTY." 

Gentlemen  of  the  Jury : 

I  stand  before  you  charged  with  an  attempt  to  "remove" 
the  people  of  America  by  the  publication  of  a  new  book,  and  I 
enter  a  plea  of  "  Not  Guilty."  While  admitting  that  the  case 
looks  strong  against  me,  there  are  extenuating  circumstances, 
which,  if  you  will  weigh  them  carefully,  will  go  far  towards 
acquitting  me  of  this  dreadful  charge.  The  facts  are  that  I 
am  not  responsible.  I  was  sane  enough  up  to  the  day  that  I 
decided  to  publish  this  book  and  have  been  since;  but  on  that 
particular  day  I  was  taken  possession  of  by  an  unseen  power — 
a  Chicago  publisher — who  filled  my  alleged  mind  with  the 
belief  that  the  country  demanded  the  sacrifice,  and  that  there 
would  be  money  in  it.  If  the  thing  is  a  failure,  I  want  it 
understood  that  I  was  instigated  by  the  Chicago  man;  but  if 
it  is  a  success,  then,  of  course,  it  was  an  inspiration  of  my 
own. 

The  book  contains  nothing  but  good  nature,  pleasantly 
told  yarns,  jokes  on  my  friends;  and,  through  it  all,  there  is 
not  intended  to  be  a  line  or  a  word  that  can  cause  pain  or 
sorrow— nothing  but  happiness. 

Laughter  is  the  best  medicine  known  to  the  world  for  the 
cure  of  many  diseases  that  mankind  is  subject  to,  and  it  has 
been  prescribed  with  success  by  some  of  our  best  practitioners. 
It  opens  up  the  pores,  and  restores  the  circulation  of  the 
blood,  and  the  despondent  patient  that  smiles,  is  in  a  fair  way 


vi  "Not  Guilty." 

to  recovery.  While  this  book  is  not  recommended  as  an  infal 
lible  cure  for  consumption,  if  I  can  throw  the  patient  into  the 
blues  by  the  pictures,  I  can  knock  the  blues  out  by  vaccinating 
with  the  reading  matter. 

To  those  who  are  inclined   to  look  upon  the  bright  side  of 
life,  this  book  is  most   respectfully  dedicated   by  the  author. 

GEO.   W.   PECK. 
MILWAUKEE,  Wis.,       > 
March,  1882.   f 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


FEMALE    DOCTORS   WILL    NEVER    DO. 

A  ST.  Louis  doctor  factory  recently  turned  out  a 
dozen  female  doctors.  As  long  as  the  female  doctors 
were  confined  to  one  or  two  in  the  whole  country, 
and  these  were  experimental,  the  Sun  held  its  peace, 
and  did  not  complain;  but  now  that  the  colleges  are 
engaged  in  producing  female  doctors  as  a  business, 
we  must  protest,  and  in  so  doing  will  give  a  few 
reasons  why  female  doctors  will  not  prove  a  paying 
branch  of  industry. 

In  the  first  place,  if  they  doctor  anybody  it  must 
be  women,  and  three-fourths  of  the  women  had 
rather  have  a  male  doctor.  Suppose  these  colleges 
turn  out  female  doctors  until  there  are  as  many  of 
them  as  there  are  male  doctors,  what  have  they  got 
to  practice  on? 

A  man,  if  there  was  nothing  the  matter  with  him, 
might  call  in  a  female  doctor;  but  if  he  was  sick  as 
a  horse — and  when  a  man  is  sick  he  is  sick  as  a 
horse — the  last  thing  he  would  have  around  would 
be  a  female  doctor.  And  why?  Because  when  a 
man  wants  a  female  fumbling  around  him  he  wants 
to  feel  well.  He  don't  want  to  be  bilious,  or  feverish, 
with  his  mouth  tasting  like  cheese,  and  his  eyes 
bloodshot,  when  a  female  is  looking  over  him  and 
taking  an  account  of  stock, 


10 

Of  course  these  female  doctors  are  all  young  and 
good  looking,  and  if  one  of  them  came  into  a  sick 
room  where  a  man  was  in  bed,  and  he  had  chills,  and 
was  as  cold  as  a  wedge,  and  she  should  sit  up  close 
to  the  side  of  the  bed,  and  take  hold  of  his  hand,  his 
pulse  would  run  up  to  a  hundred  and  fifty  and  she 
would  prescribe  for  a  fever  when  he  had  chilblains. 
Then  if  he  died  she  could  be  arrested  for  malpractice. 
O,  you  can't  fool  us  on  female  doctors. 

A  man  who  has  been  sick  and  had  male  doctors, 
knows  just  how  he  would  feel  to  have  a  female 
doctor  come  tripping  in  and  throw  her  fur  lined 
cloak  over  a  chair,  take  off  her  hat  and  gloves,  and 
throw  them  on  a  lounge,  and  come  up  to  the  bed 
with  a  pair  of  marine  blue  eyes,  with  a  twinkle  in 
the  corner,  and  look  him  in  the  wild,  changeable 
eyes,  and  ask  him  to  run  out  his  tongue.  Suppose 
he  knew  his  tongue  was  coated  so  it  looked  like  a 
yellow  Turkish  towel,  do  you  suppose  he  would 
want  to  run  out  five  or  six  inches  of  the  lower  end 
of  it,  and  let  that  female  doctor  put  her  finger  on  it, 
to  see  how  it  was  furred  ?  ^"ot  much  !  He  would  put 
that  tongue  up  into  his  cheek,  and  wouldn't  let  her 
see  it  for  twenty-five  cents  admission. 

We  have  all  seen  doctors  put  their  hands  under 
the  bed-clothes  and  feel  a  man's  feet  to  see  if  they 
were  cold.  If  a  female  doctor  should  do  that,  it 
would  give  a  man  cramps  in  the  legs. 

A  male  doctor  can  put  his  hand  on  a  man's 
stomach,  and  liver,  and  lungs,  and  ask  him  if  he 
feels  any  pain  there;  but  if  a  female  doctor  should 
do  the  same  thing  it  would  make  a  man  sick,  and  he 
would  want  to  get  up  and  kick  himself  for  employ- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  11 

ing  a  female  doctor.  O,  there  is  no  use  talking,  it 
would  kill  a  man. 

Now,  suppose 'a  man  had  heart  disease,  and  a 
female  doctor  should  want  to  listen  to  the  beating 
of  his  heart.  She  would  lay  her  left  ear  on  his  left 
breast,  so  her  eyes  and  rosebud  mouth  would  be 
looking  right  in  his  face,  and  her  wavy  hair  would 
be  scattered  all  around  there,  getting  tangled  in  the 
buttons  of  his  night  shirt.  Don't  you  suppose  his 
heart  would  get  in  about  twenty  extra  beats  to  the 
minute  ?  You  bet !  And  she  would  smile — we  will 
bet  ten  dollars  she  would  smile — and  show  her  pearly 
teeth,  and  her  ripe  lips  would  be  working  as  though 
she  were  counting  the  beats,  and  he  would  think  she 
was  trying  to  whisper  to  him,  and 

Well,  what  would  he  be  doing  all  this  time?  If 
he  was  not  dead  yet,  which  would  be  a  wonder,  his 
left  hand  would  brush  the  hair  away  from  her  temple, 
and  kind  of  stay  there  to  keep  the  hair  away,  and 
his  right  hand  would  get  sort  of  nervous  and  move 
around  to  the  back  of  her  head,  and  when  she  had 
counted  the  heart  beats  a  few  minutes  and  was  rais 
ing  her  head,  he  would  draw  the  head  up  to  him 
and  kiss  her  once  for  luck,  if  he  was  as  bilious  as  a 
Jersey  swamp  angel,  and  have  her  charge  it  in  the 
bill;  and  then  a  reaction  would  set  in,  and  he  would 
"be  as  weak  as  a  cat,  and  she  would  have  to  fan  him 
and  rub  his  head  till  he  got  over  being  nervous,  and 
then  make  out  her  prescription  after  he  got  asleep. 
No;  all  of  a  man's  symptoms  change  when  a  female 
doctor  is  practicing  on  him,  and  she  would  kill  him 
dead. 

The  Sun  is  a  woman's  rights  paper,  and  believes 
in  allowing  women  to  do  anything  that  they  can  do 


12  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

as  well  as  men,  and  is  in  favor  of  paying  them  as 
well  as  men  are  paid  for  the  same  work,  taking  all 
things  into  consideration;  but  it  is  opposed  to  their 
trifling  with  human  life,  by  trying  to  doctor  a  total 
stranger.  These  colleges  are  doing  a  great  wrong 
in  preparing  these  female  doctors  for  the  war  path, 
and  we  desire  to  enter  a  protest  in  behalf  of  twenty 
million  men  who  could  not  stand  the  pressure. 

GROSSMAN'S  GOAT. 

MR.  GROSSMAN,  of  Marshall  street,  is  a  man  who 
was  once  a  boy  himself,  if  his  memory  serves  him, 
and  no  boy  of  his  is  going  to  ask  him  for  anything 
that  is  in  his  power  to  purchase  and  be  refused.  But 
when  his  boy  asked  him  to  buy  a  goat  Mr.  Grossman 
felt  hurt.  It  was  not  the  expense  of  the  goat  that  he 
looked  at,  but  he  never  had  felt  that  confidence  in 
the  uprightness  of  the  moral  character  of  a  goat 
that  he  wanted  to  feel. 

A  goat  he  always  associated  in  his  mind  with  a 
tramp,  and  he  did  not  feel  like  bringing  among  the 
truly  good  children  of  the  neighborhood  a  goat.  He 
told  his  boy  that  he  was  sorry  he  had  lavished  his 
young  and  tender  affections  on  a  goat,  and  hoped 
that  he  would  try  and  shake  off  the  feeling  that  his 
life's  happiness  would  be  wrecked  if  he  should  re 
fuse  to  buy  him  a  goat.  The  boy  put  his  sleeve  up 
over  his  eyes  and  began  to  shed  water,  and  that  set 
tled  it. 

Mr.  Grossman's  religion  is  opposed  to  immersion, 
and  when  the  infant  baptism  began  his  proud  spirit 
was  conquered,  and  he  told  the  boy  to  lead  on  and 
he  would  buy  the  goat.  They  went  over  into  the 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  13 

Polack  settlement  and  a  Countess  there,  who  takes 
in  washing,  was  bereaved  of  the  goat,  while  Mr. 
Grossman  felt  that  he  was  a  dollar  out  of  pocket. 

Now  that  he  thinks  of  it,  Mr.  Grossman  is  confi 
dent  that  the  old  lady  winked  as  he  led  the  goat 
away  by  a  piece  of  clothes  line,  though  at  the  time 
he  looked  upon  the  affair  as  an  honorable  business 
transaction.  If  he  had  been  buying  a  horse  he  would 
have  asked  about  the  habits  of  the  animal,  and 
would  probably  have  taken  the  animal  on  triaL  But 
it  never  occurred  to  him  that  there  was  any  cheat 
ing  in  goats. 

The  animal  finally  pulled  Mr.  Grossman  home,  at 
the  end  of  the  clothes  line,  and  was  placed  in  a 
neighbor's  barn  at  eventide  to  be  ready  for  the  morn 
ing's  play,  refreshed.  About  6  o'clock  in  the  morn 
ing,  Mr.  Grossman  was  looking  out  of  his  window 
when  he  saw  the  neighboring  lady  come  out  of  the 
barn  door  head  first,  and  the  goat  was  just  taking 
its  head  away  from  her  polonaise  in  a  manner  that 
Mr.  Grossman  considered,  with  his  views  of  pro 
priety,  decidedly  impolite. 

Believing  there  was  some  misunderstanding,  and 
that  the  goat  was  jealous  of  a  calf  that  was  in  the 
barn,  and  that  the  matter  could  be  satisfactorily  ex 
plained  to  the  goat,  Mr.  Grossman  put  the  other  leg 
in  his  trousers,  took  a  cistern,  pole  and  went  to  the 
front.  The  goat  saw  him  coming,  and  rushed  out 
into  the  yard  and  stood  up  on  its  hind  feet  and  gave 
the  grand  hailing  sign  of  distress,  and  as  Mr.  Cross- 
man  turned  to  see  if  any  of  the  neighbors  were  up, 
he  felt  an  earthquake  strike  him  a  little  below  where 
he  had  his  suspenders  tied  around  his  body.  Mr. 
Grossman  repeated  a  portion  of  the  beautiful  Easter 


14  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

service  and  climbed  up  on  an  ash  barrel,  where  he 
stood  poking  the  goat  on  the  ear  with  the  cistern 
pole,  when  Mr.  Crombie,  who  lives  hard  by.  and 
who  had  come  out  to  split  some  kindling  wood,  ap 
peared  on  the  scene. 

Mr.  Crombie  is  a  man  who  grasps  a  situation  at 
once,  and  though  he  is  a  man  who  deliberates  much 
on  any  great  undertaking,  when  he  saw  the  lady  be 
hind  the  coal  box,  and  Mr.  Grossman  on  the  ash  bar 
rel,  he  felt  that  there  was  need  of  a  great  mind  right 
there,  and  he  took  his  with  him  over  the  fence,  in 
company  with  a  barrel  stave  and  a  hatchet.  He 
told  Grossman  that  there  was  only  one  way  to  deal 
with  a  goat,  and  that  was  to  be  firm  and  look  him 
right  in  the  eye.  He  said  Sep.  Wintermute,  at 
Whitewater,  once  had  a  goat  that  used  to  drive  the 
boys  all  around,  but  be  could  do  anything  with  him, 
by  looking  him  in  the  eye. 

He  walked  toward  the  goat,  with  "his  eyes  sot," 
and  Mr.  Grossman  says  one  spell  he  thought,  by  the 
way  the  goat  looked  sheepish,  that  Crombie  was  a 
regular  lion  tamer,  but  just  as  he  was  about  to 
paralyze  the  animal,  Mr.  Crombie  caught  the  strings 
of  his  drawers,  which  were  dragging  on  the  ground, 
in  the  nails  of  a  barrel  hoop,  and  as  he  stooped  down 
to  untangle  them  the  goat  kicked  him  with  his 
head,  at  a  point  about  two  chains  and  three  links  in 
a  northwesterly  direction  from  the  small  of  his  back. 
Crombie  gave  a  sigh,  said,  "I  die  by  the  hand  of  an 
assassin,"  and  jumped  up  on  a  wagon,  with  the  bar 
rel  stave  and  hatchet,  and  the  hoop  tangled  in  his  legs. 

The  goat  had  three  of  them  treed,  and  was  look 
ing  for  other  worlds  to  conquer,  when  Mr.  Nowell, 
who  was  out  for  a  walk,  saw  the  living  statues,  and 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  15 

came  in  to  hear  the  news.  Mr.  Grossman  said  he 
didn't  know  what  had  got  into  the  goat,  unless  it 
was  a  tin  pail  or  a  lawn  mower  that  was  in  the  barn, 
but  he  was  evidently  mad,  and  he  advised  Mr.  No- 
well  to  go  for  the  police. 

Nowell  said  a  man  that  had  raised  cub  bears  had 
no  right  to  be  afraid  of  a  g@at.  He  said  all  you 
wranted  to  do,  in  subduing  the  spirit  of  animals,  was 
to  gain  their  confidence.  He  said  he  could,  in  two 
minutes,  so  win  the  affections  of  that  goat  that  it 
would  follow  him  about  like  a  dog,  and  he  went  up 
and  stroked  the  animal's  head,  scratched  its  ear,  and 
asked  them  if  they  could  not  see  they  had  taken  the 
wrong  course  with  the  goat.  He  said  a  goat  was  a 
good  deal  like  a  human  being.  You  could  coax,  but 
you  could  not  drive.  ''Come,  Billy,"  said  he,  as  he 
moved  off,  snapping  his  fingers. 

It  is  Mr.  NowelFs  unbiased  opinion  that  Billy  did 
come.  Not  that  he  saw  Billy  come,  but  he  had  a 
vague  suspicion,  from  a  feeling  of  numbness  some 
two  feet  from  the  base  of  the  brain,  that  William 
had  arrived  in  that  immediate  vicinity,  and  while 
he  was  recalling  his  scattered  thoughts  and  feeling 
for  any  pieces  of  spine  that  might  have  become' de 
tached  from  the  original  column,  Billy  came  again 
and  caught  three  of  Mr.  Nowell's  fingers  in  the  pile 
driver.  That  was  talk  enough  between  gentlemen, 
and  Mr.  Nowell  got  his  back  against  a  fence  and 
climbed  up  on  top  backwards. 

When  he  caught  his  breath  he  said  that  was  the 
worst  shock  he  ever  experienced  since  he  fell  off  the 
step  ladder  last  summer.  He  said  he  had  rather 
break  a  bear  to  ride  any  time. 


16  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

At  this  point  Mr.  Crombie  espied  a  letter  carrier 
on  the  other  side  of  the  street,  and  called  him  over. 
He  told  the  letter  carrier  if  he  would  step  into  the 
yard  and  drive  the  goat  in  the  barn  they  would  all 
unite  in  a  petition  to  have  the  salaries  of  letter  car 
riers  raised.  There  is  no  class  of  citizens  more  ac 
commodating  than  our  letter  carriers,  and  this  one 
came  in  and  walked  up  to  the  goat  and  pushed  the 
animal  with  his  foot. 

"This  goat  seems  tame  enough,"  said  he,  turning 
around  to  speak  to  Mr.  Grossman.  His  words  had 
not  more  than  vaporized  in  the  chill  air  before  the 
goat  had  planted  two  trip  hammer  blows  into  the 
seat  of  government,  and  the  letter  carrier  went  into 
the  barn,  fell  over  a  wheelbarrow,  and  the  letters 
from  his  sack  were  distributed  in  a  box  stall. 

It  was  a  beautiful  sight  to  look  upon,  and  they 
would  have  been  there  till  this  time  had  it  not  been 
that  the  CountebS  happened  to  come  along  gather 
ing  swill,  and  the  party  made  up  a  purse  of  three 
dollars  for  her  if  she  would  take  the  goat  away. 

She  took  a  turnip  top  from  her  swill  pail,  offered 
it  to  the  goat,  and  the  animal  followed  her  off, 
bleating  and  showing  every  evidence  of  content 
ment,  and  the  gentlemen  got  down  from  the  posi 
tions  they  had  assumed,  and  they  shook  hands  and 
each  took  a  bloody  oath  that  he  would  not  tell  about 
it,  and  they  repaired  to  their  several  homes  and  used 
arnica  on  the  spots  where  the  goat  had  kicked 
them. 

The  only  trouble  that  is  liable  to  arise  out  of  this 
is  that  the  postmaster  threatens  to  commence  an  ac 
tion  against  Grossman  for  obstructing  the  mails. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  17 

A  MEAN  THICK. 

PROBABLY  the  meanest  trick  that  was  ever  played 
on  a  white  man  was  played  in  Milwaukee,  and  the 
fact  that  there  is  no  vigilance  committee  there  is  the 
only  reason  the  perpetrators  of  the  trick  are  alive. 
A  business  man  had  just  purchased  a  new  stiff  hat, 
and  he  went  into  a  saloon  with  half  a  dozen  of  his 
friends  to  fit  the  hat  on  his  head.  They  all  took 
beer,  and  passed  the  hat  around  so  all  could  see  it. 
One  of  the  meanest  men  that  ever  held  a  county  of 
fice  went  to  the  bar  tender  and  had  a  thin  slice  of 
Limburger  cheese  cut  off,  and  when  the  party  were 
looking  at  the  frescoed  ceiling  through  beer  glasses 
this  wicked  person  slipped  the  cheese  under  the 
sweat  leather  of  the  hat,  and  the  man  put  it  on  and 
walked  out. 

The  man  who  owned  the  hat  is  one  of  your  ner 
vous  people,  who  is  always  complaining  of  being 
sick,  and  who  feels  as  though  some  dreadful  disease 
is  going  to  take  possession  of  him  and  carry  him  off. 
He  went  back  to  his  place  of  business,  took  off  his 
hat  and  laid  it  on  the  table,  and  proceeded  to  answer 
some  letters.  He  thought  he  detected  a  smell,  and, 
when  his  partner  asked  him  if  he  didn't  feel  sick,  he 
said  he  believed  he  did.  The  man  turned  pale  and 
said  he  guessed  he  would  go  home.  He  met  a  man 
on  the  sidewalk  who  said  the  air  was  full  of  miasma, 
and  in  the  street  car  a  man  who  sat  next  to  him 
moved  away  to  the  end  of  the  car,  and  asked  him  if 
he  had  just  come  from  Chicago.  The  man  with  the 
hat  said  he  had  not,  when  the  stranger  said  they 
were  having  a  great  deal  of  smallpox  there,  and  he 
guessed  he  would  get  out  and  walk,  and  he  pulled 


IB  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

the  bell  and  jumped  off.  The  cold  perspiration 
broke  out  on  the  forehead  of  the  man  with  the  new 
hat,  and  he  took  it  off  to  wipe  his  forehead,  when 
the  whole  piece  of  cheese  seemed  to  roll  over  and 
breathe,  and  the  man  got  the  full  benefit  of  it,  and 
came  near  fainting  away. 

He  got  home  and  his  wife  met  him  and  asked  him 
what  was  the  matter?  He  said  he  believed  mortifi 
cation  had  set  in,  and  she  took  one  whiff  as  he^took 
off  his  hat,  and  said  she  should  think  it  had.  "  Where 
did  you  get  into  it?"  said  she.  "Get  into  it?"  said 
the  man,  "I  have  not  got  into  anything,  but  some 
deadly  disease  has  got  hold  of  me,  and  I  shall  not 
live."  She  told  him  if  any  disease  that  smelled  like 
that  had  got  hold  of  him  and  was  going  to  be 
chronic,  she  felt  as  though  he  would  be  a  burden  to 
himself  if  he  lived  very  long.  She  got  his  clothes 
off,  soaked  his  feet  in  mustard  water,  and  he  slept. 
The  man  slept  and  dreamed  that  a  smallpox  flag 
was  hung  in  front  of  his  house  and  that  he  was  rid 
ing  in  a  butcher  wagon  to  the  pest  house. 

The  wife  sent  for  a  doctor,  and  when  the  man  of 
pills  arrived  she  told  him  all  about  the  case.  The 
doctor  picked  up  the  patient's  new  hat,  tried  it  on 
and  got  a  sniff.  He  said  the  hat  was  picked  before 
it  was  ripe.  The  doctor  and  the  wife  held  a  post 
mortem  examination  of  the  hat,  and  found  the  slice 
of  Limberger.  "  Few  and  short  were  the  prayers 
they  said."  They  woke  the  patient,  and,  to  prepare 
his  mind  for  the  revelation  that  was  about  to  be 
made,  the  doctor  asked  him  if  his  worldly  affairs 
were  in  a  satisfactory  condition.  He  gasped  and 
said  they  were.  The  doctor  asked  him  if  he  had 
made  his  will.  He  said  he  had  not,  but  that  he 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE,  19 

wanted  a  lawyer  sent  for  at  once.  The  doctor  asked 
him  if  he  felt  as  though  he  was  prepared  to  shuffle 
off.  The  man  said  he  had  always  tried  to  lead  a 
different  life,  and  had  tried  to  be  done  by  the  same 
as  he  would  do  it  himself,  but  that  he  might  have 
made  a  misdeal  some  way,  and  he  would  like  to  have  a 
minister  sent  for  to  take  an  account  of  stock.  Then 
the  doctor  brought  to  the  bedside  the  hat,  opened  up 
the  sweat-leather,  and  showed  the  dying  man  what 
it  was  that  smelled  so,  and  told  him  he  was  as  well 
as  any  man  in  the  city. 

The  patient  pinched  himself  to  see  if  he  was  alive, 
and  jumped  out  of  bed  and  called  for  his  revolver, 
and  the  doctor  couldn't  keep  up  with  him  on  the 
way  down  town.  The  last  we  saw  of  the  odoriferous 
citizen  he  was  trying  to  bribe  the  bar-tender  to  tell 
him  which  one  of  those  pelicans  it  was  that  put  that 
slice  of  cheese  in  his  hat-lining. 

A  FEMALE  KNIGHT  OF  PYTHIAS. 

A  WOMAN  of  Bay  City,  Michigan,  disguised  herself 
as  a  man  and  clerked  in  a  store  for  a  year,  and  then 
applied  for  membership  in  the  Knights  of  Pythias 
and  was  initiated.  During  the  work  of  the  third 
degree  her  sex  was  discovered.  It  seems  that  in  the 
third  degree  they  have  an  India  rubber  rat  and  a 
celluloid  snake,  which  run  by  clockwork  inside, 
and  which  were  very  natural  indeed.  The  idea  is 
to  let  them  run  at  the  candidate  for  initiation  to  see 
if  he  will  flinch.  When  the  snake  ran  at  the  girl 
she  kept  her  nerve  all  right,  but  when  the  rat  tried 
to  run  up  her  trousers  leg  she  grabbed  her  imaginary 
skirts  in  both  hands  and  jumped  onto  a  refrigerator 


20  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

that  was  standing  near,  (which  is  used  in  the  work 
of  the  fourth  degree)  and  screamed  bloody  murder. 
The  girl  is  a  member  of  the  order,  however,  and 
there  is  no  help  for  it.  This  affair  may  open  the 
eyes  of  members  of  secret  societies  and  cause  them 
to  investigate.  One  lodge  here,  we  understand, 
takes  precaution  against  the  admission  of  women 
by  examining  carefully  the  feet  of  applicants.  If 
the  feet  are  cold  enough  to  freeze  ice  cream  the  can 
didate  is  black-balled. 

THE   TELESCOPE   FISH -POLE    CANE. 

THERE  is  one  thing  we  want  to  set  our  face  against 
and  try  and  break  up,  and  that  is  the  habit  of  young 
and  middle  aged  persons  going  fishing  on  Sunday, 
when  going  on  the  Summer  excursions  to  the  coun 
try.  The  devil,  or  some  other  inventor,  has  origin 
ated  a  walking-stick  that  looks  as  innocent  as  a 
Sunday  school  teacher,  but  within  it  is  a  roaring 
lion,  in  the  shape  of  a  fish-pole.  We  have  watched 
young  fellows,  and  know  their  tricks.  Sunday 
morning  they  say  to  their  parents  that  they  have 
agreed  to  go  over  on  the  West  Side  and  attend  early 
mass  with  a  companion,  just  to  hear  the  exquisite 
music,  and,  by  the  way,  they  may  not  be  home  to 
dinner.  And  they  go  from  that  home,  with  their 
new  cane,  looking  as  pious  as  though  they  were 
passing  the  collection  plate.  When  they  get  around 
the  corner  they  whoop  it  up  for  the  depot,  and 
shortly  they  are  steaming  out  into  the  country. 
They  have  a  lot  of  angle  worms  in  an  envelope  in 
their  vest  pockets,  and  a  restaurant  colored  man, 
who  has  been  seen  the  night  before,  meets  them  at 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  21 

the  depot  and  hands  them  a  basket  of  sandwiches 
with  a  bottle  sticking  out. 

Arriving  at  the  summer  resort,  they  go  to  the 
bank  of  the  lake  and  take  a  boat  ride,  and  when 
well  out  in  the  lake  they  begin  to  unbosom  the  cane. 
Taking  a  plug  out  of  the  end  of  it,  they  pull  out  a 
dingus  and  three  joints  of  fish-pole  come  out,  and 
they  tie  a  line  on  the  end,  put  an  angle  worm  on  the 
hook,  and  catch  fish.  That  is  the  kind  of  "mass" 
they  are  attending. 

At  night  the  train  comes  back  to  town,  and  the 
sunburnt  young  men,  with  their  noses  peeled,  hand 
a  basket  to  the  waiting  colored  man,  which  smells 
of  fish,  and  they  go  home  and  tell  their  parents  they 
went  out  to  Forest  Home  Cemetery  in  the  afternoon, 
and  the  sun  was  awful  hot.  The  good  mother  knows 
she  smells  fish  on  her  son's  clothes,  but  she  thinks- 
it  is  some  new  kind  of  perfumery,  and  she  is  silent. 

An  honest  up-and-up  fish-pole  is  a  thing  of  beauty 
and  a  joy  forever,  if  the  fishing  is  good,  but  one  of 
these  deceptive,  three  carde  monte,  political  fish- 
poles,  that  shoves  in  and  appears  to  be  a  cane,  is  in 
cendiary,  and  ought  to  be  suppressed.  There  ought 
to  be  a  law  passed  to  suppress  a  fish-pole  that  passes 
in  polite  society  for  a  cane,  and  in  such  a  moment 
as  ye  think  not  is  pulled  out  to  catch  fish.  There  is 
nothing  square  about  it,  and  the  invention  of  that 
blasted  stem  winding  fish-pole  is  doing  more  to  ruin 
this  country  than  all  the  political  parties  can  over 
come.  If  there  was  a  law  to  compel  the  owners  of 
those  walking-sticks  to  put  a  sign  on  their  canes, 
"This  is  a  fish-pole,"  there  would  be  less  canes  tak 
en  on  these  Sunday  excursions  in  summer. ' 


22  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Look  not  upon  the  walking-stick  when  it  is  hol 
low,  and  pulls  out,  for  at  last  it  giveth  thee  away, 
young  fellow. 


THE  SUN  is  in  receipt  of  an  invitation  to  attend 
the  opening  of  a  new  hotel  in  an  Iowa  city,  but  it 
will  be  impossible  to  attend.  We  remember  one 
Iowa  hotel  which  we  visited  in  1869,  when  the  Wis 
consin  editors  stopped  there  on  the  way  back  from 
Omaha, — the  time  when  a  couple  of  bed  bugs  took 
Uncle  David  Atwood  up  on  the  roof  and  were  going 
to  throw  him  off,  and  they  would  have  done  it,  only 
a  party  of  cockroaches  took  his  part  and  killed  the 
bed  bugs. 

Sam  Ryan  will  remember  how  there  was  a  crop  of 
new  potatoes  growing  on  the  billiard  room  floor  in 
the  dirt,  that  were  all  blossomed  out ;  and  Charley 
Seymour  can  tell  how  he  had  to  argue  for  an  hour 
to  convince  the  colored  cook  that  the  peculiar  smell 
of  the  scrambled  eggs  was  owing  to  some  of  them 
being  rotten.  There  were  four  waiters  to  a  hundred 
guests,  and  it  was  a  sight  long  to  be  remembered  to 
see  Mrs.  Seymour  and  Mrs.  Atwood  carry  their 
broiled  chicken  back  to  the  kitchen  and  pick  the 
feathers  off,  while  good  Uncle  McBride,  of  Sparta, 
got  into  an  altercation  over  his  fried  fish  because  the 
fish  had  not  been  scaled;  where  it  was  said  the  only 
thing  that  was  not  sour  was  the  vinegar,  and  where 
the  only  thing  that  was  not  too  small  was  the  bill, 
and  where  every  room  smelled  like  a  morgue,  and 
the  towels  in  the  rooms  had  not  taken  a  bath  since 
1827. 


23 

At  this  hotel  the  proprietor  would  take  a  guest's 
napkin  to  wipe  his  nose,  and  the  barefooted  waiter 
girl  would  slip  up  on  the  rare-done  fried  egg  spilled 
on  the  dining-room  floor,  and  wipe  the  yolk  off  her 
<iress  on  a  guest's  linen  coat  tail.  That  is  all  we 
want  of  a  hotel  in  that  place. 

BOYS  WILL  BE  BOYS. 

NOT  many  months  ago  there  was  a  meeting  of 
ministers  in  Wisconsin,  and  after  the  holy  work  in 
which  they  were  engaged  had  been  done  up  to  the 
satisfaction  of  all,  a  citizen  of  the  place  where  the 
conference  was  held  invited  a  large  number  of  them 
to  a  collation  at  his  house.  After  supper  a  dozen  of 
them  adjourned  to  a  room  up  stairs  to  have  a  quiet 
smoke,  as  ministers  sometimes  do,  when  they  got 
to  talking  about  old  times,  when  they  attended 
school  and  were  boys  together,  and  The  Sun  man, 
who  was  present,  disguised  as  a  preacher,  came  to 
the  conclusion  that  ministers  were  rather  human 
than  otherwise  when  they  are  young. 

One  two-hundred  pound  delegate  with  a  cigar  be 
tween  his  fingers,  blew  the  smoke  out  of  the  mouth 
which  but  a  few  hours  before  was  uttering  a  suppli 
cation  to  the  Most  High  to  make  us  all  good, 
punched  a  thin  elder  in  the  ribs  with  his  thumb  and 
said:  "Jim,  do  you  remember  the  time  we  carried 
the  cow  and  calf  up  into  the  recitation  room?"  For 
a  moment  "Jim"  was  inclined  to  stand  on  his  dig 
nity,  and  he  looked  pained,  until  they  all  began  to 
laugh,  when  he  looked  around  to  see  if  any  worldly 
person  was  present,  and  satisfying  himself  that  we 
were  all  truly  good,  he  said:  "You  bet  your  life  I 


24 

remember  it.  I  have  got  a  scar  on  my  shin  now 
where  that  d — blessed  cow  hooked  me,"  and  he  be 
gan  to  roll  up  his  trousers  leg  to  show  the  scar. 
They  told  him  they  would  take  his  word,  and  he 
pulled  down  his  pants  and  said: 

"Well,  you  see  I  was  detailed  to  attend  to  the 
calf,  and  I  carried  the  calf  up  stairs,  assisted  by  Bill 
Smith — who  is  now  preaching  in  Chicago;  got  a  soft 
thing,  five  thousand  a  year,  and  a  parsonage  fur 
nished,  and  keeps  a  team,  and  if  one  of  those  horses 
is  not  a  trotter  then  I  am  no  judge  of  horse  flesh  or 
of  Bill,  and  if  he  don't  put  on  an  old  driving  coat 
and  go  out  on  the  road  occasionally  and  catch  on 
for  a  race  with  some  worldly-minded  man,  then  I 
am  another.  You  hear  me— well,  I  never  knew  a 
calf  was  so  heavy,  and  had  so  many  hind  legs.  Kick! 
Why,  bless  your  old  alabaster  heart,  that  calf 
walked  all  over  me,  from  Genesis  to  Kevelations. 
And  say,  we  didn't  get  much  of  a  breeze  the  next 
morning,  did  we,  when  we  had  to  clean  out  the  re 
citation  room?" 

A  solemn-looking  minister,  with  red  hair,  who 
was  present,  and  whose  eyes  twinkled  some  through 
the  smoke,  said  to  another : 

"Charlie,  you  remember  you  were  completely 
gone  on  the  professor's  niece  who  was  visiting  there 
from  Poughkeepsie  ?  What  become  of  her  ?" 

Charlie  put  his  feet  on  the  table,  struck  a  match 
on  his  trousers,  and  said  : 

"Well,  I  wasn't  gone  on  her,  as  you  say,  but  just 
liked  her.  Not  too  well,  you  know,  but  just  well 
enough.  She  had  a  color  of  hair  that  I  could  never 
stand — just  the  color  of  yours,  Hank — and  when  she 
got  to  going  with  a  printer  I  kind  of  let  up,  and 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  25 

they  were  married.  I  understand  he  is  editing  a 
paper  somewhere  in  Illinois,  and  getting  rich.  It 
was  better  fur  her,  as  now  she  has  a  place  to  live, 
and  does  not  have  to  board  around  like  a  country 
school  ma'am,  as  she  would  if  she  had  married  me." 
A  dark-haired  man,  with  a  coat  buttoned  clear  to 
the  neck,  and  a  countenance  like  a  funeral  sermon, 
with  no  more  expression  than  a  wooden  decoy  duck, 
who  was  smoking  a  briar-wood  pipe  that  he  had 
picked  up  on  a  what-not  that  belonged  to  the  host, 
knocked  the  ashes  out  in  a  spittoon,  and  said  : 

"Boys,  do  you  remember  the  time  we  stole  that 
three-seated  wagon  and  went  out  across  the  marsh 
to  Kingsley's  farm,  after  watermelons  ?" 

Four  of  them  said  they  remembered  it  well  enough, 
and  Jim  said  all  he  asked  was  to  live  long  enough 
to  get  even  with  _Bill  Smith,  the  Chicago  preacher, 
for  suggesting  to  him  to  steal  a  bee-hive  on  the  trip. 
"  Why,"  said  he,  "  before  I  had  got  twenty  feet  with 
that  hive,  every  bee  in  it  had  stung  me  a  dozen 
times.  And  do  you  remember  how  we  played  it  on 
the  professor,  and  made  him  believe  that  I  had  the 
chicken-pox  ?  O,  gentlemen,  a  glorious  immortal 
ity  awaits  you  beyond  the  grave  for  lying  me  out  of 
that  scrape." 

The  fat  man  hitched  around  uneasy  in  his  chair 
and  said  they  all  seemed  to  have  forgotten  the  prin 
cipal  event  of  that  excursion,  and  that  was  how  he 
tried  to  lift  a  bull  dog  over  the  fence  by  the  teeth, 
which  had  become  entangled  in  a  certain  portion  of 
his  wardrobe  that  should  not  be  mentioned,  and  how 
he  left  a  sample  of  his  trousers  in  the  possession  of 
the  dog,  and  how  the  farmer  came  to  the  college  the 
next  day  with  his  eyes  blacked,  and  a  piece  of 


26  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

trousers  cloth  done  up  in  a  paper,  and  wanted  the 
professor  to  try  and  match  it  with  the  pants  of  some 
of  the  divinity  students,  and  how  he  had  to  put  on  a 
pair  of  nankeen  pants  and  hide  his  cassimeres  in  the 
boat  house  until  the  watermelon  scrape  blew  over 
and  he  could  get  them  mended. 

Then  the  small  brunette  minister  asked  if  he  was 
not  entitled  to  some  credit  for  blacking  the  farmer's 
eyes.  Says  he:  "  When  he  got  over  the  fence  and 
grabbed  the  near  horse  by  the  bits,  and  said  he 
would  have  the  whole  gang  in  jail,  I  felt  as  though 
something  had  got  to  be  done,  and  I  jumped  out  on 
the  other  side  of  the  wagon  and  walked  around  to 
him  and  put  up  my  hands  and  gave  him  '  one,  two, 
three '  about  the  nose,  with  my  blessing,  and  he  let 
go  that  horse  and  took  his  dog  back  to  the  house." 

"Well,"  says  the  red  haired  minister,  "those 
melons  were  green,  anyway,  but  it  was  the  fun  of 
stealing  them  that  we  were  after." 

At  this  point  the  door  opened  and  the  host  entered, 
and,  pushing  the  smoke  away  with  his  hands,  he 
said:  "Well,  gentlemen,  are  you  enjoying  your 
selves?" 

They  threw  their  cigar  stubs  in  the  spittoon,  the 
solemn  man  laid  the  brier  wood  pipe  where  he  got 
it,  and  the  fat  man  said : 

"  Brother  Drake,  we  have  been  discussing  the  evil 
effects  of  indulging  in  the  weed,  and  we  have  come 
to  the  conclusion  that  while  tobacco  is  always  bound 
to  be  used  to  a  certain  extent  by  the  thoughtless,  it 
is  a  duty  the  clergy  owe  to  the  community  to  dis 
countenance  its  use  on  all  possible  occasions.  Per 
haps  we  had  better  adjourn  to  the  parlor,  and  after 
asking  divine  guidance  take  our  departure." 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  27 

After  they  had  gone  the  host  looked  at  his  cigar 
box,  and  came  to  the  conclusion  that  somebody 
must  have  carried  off  some  cigars  in  his  pocket. 

AN  ARM  THAT  IS  NOT  RELIABLE. 

A  YOUNG  fellow  about  nineteen,  who  is  going  with 
his  first  girl,  and  who  lives  on  the  West  Side,  has 
got  the  symptoms  awfully.  He  just  thinks  of  noth 
ing  else  but  his  girl,  and  when  he  can  be  with  her, 
— which  is  seldom,  on  account  of  the  old  folks, —he 
is  there,  and  when  he  cannot  be  there,  he  is  there 
or  thereabouts,  in  his  mind.  He  had  been  trying  for 
three  months  to  think  of  something  to  give  his  girl 
for  a  Christmas  present,  but  he  couldn't  make  up 
his  mind  what  article  would  cause  her  to  think  of 
him  the  most,  so  the  day  before  Christmas  he  unbo 
somed  himself  to  his  employer,  and  asked  his  advice 
as  to  the  proper  article  to  give.  The  old  man  is 
baldheaded  and  mean.  "You  want  to  give  her  some 
thing  that  will  be  a  constant  reminder  of  you  ?" 
"Yes, "he  said,  "that  was  what  was  the  matter." 
"Does  she  have  any  corns  ?"  asked  the  old  wretch. 
The  boy  said  he  had  never  inquired  into  the  condi 
tion  of  her  feet,  and  wanted  to  know  what  corns 
had  to  do  with  it.  The  old  man  said  that  if  she  had 
corns,  a  pair  of  shoes  about  two  sizes  too  small 
would  cause  her  mind  to  dwell  on  £dm  a  good  deal. 
The  boy  said  shoes  wouldn't  do.  The  old  man  hesi 
tated  a  moment,  scratched  his  head,  and  finally 
said : 

"  I  have  it !  I  suppose,  sir,  when  you  are  alone 
with  her,  in  the  parlor,  you  put  your  arm  around  her 
waist ;  do  you  not,  sir  ?" 


28  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

The  young  man  blushed,  and  said  that  was  about 
the  size  of  it. 

"I  presume  she  enjoys  that  part  of  the  discourse, 
eh?" 

The  boy  said  that,  as  near  as  he  could  tell,  by  the 
way  she  acted,  she  was  not  opposed  to  being  held  up. 

"Then,  sir,  I  can  tell  you  of  an  article  that  will 
make  her  think  of  you  in  that  position  all  the  time, 
from  the  moment  she  gets  up  in  the  morning  till  she 
retires." 

"  Is  there  any  attachment  to  it  that  will  make  her 
dream  of  me  all  night  ?"  asked  the  boy. 

"No,  sir !    Don't  be  a  hog,"  said  the  bad  man. 

"Then. what  is  it  ?" 

The  old  man  said  one  word,  " Corset!" 

The  young  man  was  delighted,  and  he  went  to  a 
store  to  buy  a  nice  corset. 

"What  size  do  you  want  ?"  asked  the  girl  who 
waited  on  him. 

That  was  a  puzzler.  He  didn't  know  they  came 
in  sizes.  He  was  about  to  tell  her  to  pick  out  the 
smallest  size,  when  he  happened  to  think  of  some 
thing. 

"  Take  a  tape  measure  and  measure  my  arm ;  that 
will  just  fit." 

The  girl  looked  wise,  as  though  she  had  been  there 
herself,  found  that  it  was  a  twenty-two  inch  corset 
the  boy  wanted,  and  he  went  home  and  wrote  a  note 
and  sent  it  with  the  corset  to  the  girl.  He  didn't 
hear  anything  about  it  till  the  following  Sunday, 
when  he  called  on  her.  She  received  him  coldly, 
and  handed  him  the  corset,  saying,  with  a  tear  in 
her  eye,  that  she  had  never  expected  to  be  insulted 
by  him.  He  told  her  he  had  no  intention  of  insult- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  29 

ing  her ;  that  he  could  think  of  nothing  that  would 
cause  her  to  think  of  the  gentle  pressure  of  his  ami 
around  her  waist  as  a  corset,  but  if  she  felt  insulted 
he  would  take  his  leave,  give  the  corset  to  some  poor 
family,  and  go  drown  himself. 

He  was  about  to  go  away,  when  she  burst  out  cry 
ing,  and  sobbed  out  the  following  words,  wet  with 
salt  brine  : 

"It  was  v-v-v-very  thoughtful  of  y-y-you,  but  I 
couldn't  feel  it!  It  is  f-f-four  sizes  too  b-b-big  !  Why 
didn't  you  get  number  eighteen  ?  You  are  silent, 
you  cannot  answer,  enough  !" 

They  instinctively  found  their  way  to  the  sofa ; 
mutual  explanations  followed ;  he  measured  her 
waist  again  ;  saw  where  he  had  made  a  mistake  by 
his  fingers  lapping  over  on  the  first  turn,  and  he 
vowed,  by  the  beard  of  the  prophet,  he  would 
change  it  for  another,  if  she  had  not  worn  it  and  got 
it  soiled.  They  are  better  now. 

BOUNCED  FROM  CHURCH  FOR  DANCING. 

THE  Presbyterian  synod  at  Erie,  Pa.,  has  turned 
a  lawyer  named  Donaldson  out  of  the  church.  The 
charge  against  him  was  not  that  he  was  a  lawyer, 
as  might  be  supposed,  but  that  he  had  danced  a 
quadrille.  It  does  not  seem  to  us  as  though  there 
could  be  anything  more  harmless  than  dancing  a 
cold-blooded  quadrille.  It  is  a  simple  walk  around, 
and  is  not  even  exercise.  Of  course  a  man  can,  if 
he  chooses,  get  in  extra  steps  enough  to  keep  his 
feet  warm,  but  we  contend  that  no  quadrille,  where 
they  only  touch  hands,  go  down  in  the  middle,  and 


30  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

alamand  left,  can  work  upon  a  man's  religion  enough 
to  cause  him  to  backslide. 

If  it  was  this  new  "  waltz  quadrille  "  that  Donald 
son  indulged  in,  where  there  is  intermittent  hug 
ging,  and  where  the  head  gets  to  whirling,  and  a 
man  has  to  hang  on  to  his  partner  quite  consider 
able,  to  keep  from  falling  all  over  himself,  and 
where  she  looks  up  fondly  into  his  eyes  and  as 
though  telling  him  to  squeeze  just  as  hard  as  it 
seemed  necessary  for  his  convenience,  we  should 
not  wonder  so  much  at  the  synod  hauling  him  over 
the  coals  for  cruelty  to  himself,  but  a  cold  quadrille 
has  no  deviltry  in  it. 

We  presume  the  wicked  and  perverse  Mr.  Donald 
son  will  join  another  church  that  allows  dancing 
judiciously  administered,  and  may  yet  get  to  heaven, 
ahead  of  the  Presbyterian  synod,  and  he  may  be 
elected  to  some  high  position  there,  as  Arthur  was 
here,  after  the  synod  of  Hayes  and  Sherman  had 
bounced  him  from  the  Custom  House  for  dancing 
the  great  spoils  walk  around. 

It  is  often  the  case  here,  and  we  do  not  know"  why 
it  may  not  be  in  heaven,  that  the  ones  that  are 
turned  over  and  shook  up,  and  the  dust  knocked  out 
of  them,  and  their  metaphorical  coat  tail  filled  with 
boots,  find  that  the  whirligig  of  time  has  placed 
them  above  the  parties  who  smote  them,  and  we 
can  readily  believe  that  if  Donaldson  gets  a  first- 
class  position  of  power,  above  the  skies,  he  will 
make  it  decidedly  warm  for  his  persecutors  when 
they  come  up  to  the  desk  with  their  grip  sacks  and 
register  and  ask  for  a  room  with  a  bath,  and  a  fire 
escape.  He  will  be  apt  to  look  up  at  the  key  rack 
and  tell  them  everything  is  full,  but  they  can  find 


PECKyS   SUNSHINE.  31 

pretty  fair  accommodations  at  the  other  house, 
down  at  the  Hot  Springs,  on  the  European  plan,  by 
Mr.  Devil,  formerly  of  Chicago. 

POLICE    SEARCHING    WOMEN. 

A  NOVEL  SCENE  IN  MILWAUKEE  POLICE  COURT. 

THERE  is  a  movement  on  foot  to  provide  for  lady 
attendants  at  the  Police  Station,  so  that  when  a 
woman  is  arrested,  and  it  is  necessary  to  search  her 
for  concealed  weapons,  or  money  or  incendiary  doc 
uments,  that  duty  can  be  p£if  ormed  by  a  person  of 
the  same  sex  as  the  prisoner.  The  Sun  is  anxious 
that  this  new  departure  be  adopted  at  once,  as  it  is 
very  annoying  for  us  to  be  called  away  from  our 
business,  every  day  or  two,  to  aid  the  police — that 
is,  of  course,  we  are  willing  to  be  of  assistance  to 
anybody,  but  there  are  times— anybody  will  admit 
that. 

The  need  of  lady  members  of  the  police  force  was 
never  illustrated  any  better  than  when  the  police 
arrested  the  women  for  passing  counterfeit  silver 
quarters,  about  six  months  ago.  There  was  an  old 
ish  woman  and  a  young  woman,  and  when  they 
were  taken  to  the  police  office  the  reporters  of  the 
city  papers  were  there,  as  usual,  ready  to  lend  a 
helping  hand.  The  searching  of  the  old  lady  was 
done  in  short  order,  by  Detective  Smith,  who  went 
about  it  in  a  business-like  manner ;  but  when  it  was 
time  to  search  the  young  woman,  and  he  looked 
into  her  soft,  liquid  eyes,  and  saw  the  emotion  that 
she  could  not  suppress,  his  heart  failed  him,  and  he 
sat  down  to  write  out  his  resignation.  Tears  came 


32  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

into  his  large,  fawn-like  eyes,  and  he  called  upon 
Mr.  Northrop,  correspondent  of  the  Chicago  Times, 
to  assist  him.  Mr.  Northrop  had  been  inured  to 
hardships,  and  knew  much  about  the  manner  in 
which  female  persons  conceal  money,  and  being  one 
of  the  "Willing  Workers,"  he  told  Mr.  Smith  that 
he  would  help  him. 

The  lady  was  told  to  remove  her  outward  apparel, 
and  to  look  steadily  out  of  the  window.  She  got 
behind  a  curtain-cord,  and,  in  less  time  than  it  takes 
to  write  it,  she  threw  her  dress  to  the  men,  from  her 
concealment  behind  the  curtain-cord.  The  two  men 
found  a  pocket  in  the  dress,  but  to  save  them  they 
couldn't  find  the  pocket  hole.  The  dress  was  turned 
the  other  side  out  forty  times,  to  find  the  pocket 
hole. 

Mr.  Yenowine,  of  the  Neivs,  who  was  present, 
said  if  they  would  hang  the  dress  up  on  a  hook  he 
could  find  the  pocket  hole  in  the  dark.  He  said 
there  couldn't  anybody  fool  him  on  finding  a  pocket 
hole  in  a  dress. 

The  dress  was  hung  in  a  closet,  and  Mr.  Yenowine 
proceeded  on  the  arctic  exploring  expedition,  while 
Mr.  Northrop  and  the  detective  were  examining  a 
corset  that  the  young  woman  had  thrown  on  the 
floor,  looking  for  bogus  quarters.  The  News  man, 
with  all  his  knowledge  of  dress  pockets,  came  out 
unsuccessful,  and  said  he  .must  have  lost  the  combi 
nation,  and  accused  the  janitor  of  giving  it  away. 
Mr.  Smith  suggested  that  they  cut  the  pocket  off, 
but  the  district  attorney,  Mr.  McKenney,  said  it 
would  be  clearly  against  the  law.  He  said  that 
would  be  burglary.  In  the  meantime  the  young 
woman  had  kept  on  shucking  herself,  until  Mr. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  33 

Neiman,  of  the  Sentinel,  became  faint  and  went  out 
on  the  steps  to  get  a  breath  of  fresh  air,  from  which 
position  he  looked  through  the  window. 

While  the  gentlemen  were  wondering  if  there 
were  no  rules  of  etiquette  published  that  would  make 
it  easy  and  polite  to  search  a  woman  for  bogus  two 
shilling  pieces,  the  woman  threw  an  article  of 
female  wearing  apparel  out  on  the  floor  for  them  to 
examine  that  fairly  frightened  them. 

"  Merciful  heavens,"  said  Mr.  Yenowine,  who  was 
at  that  time  a  young  and  innocent  person,  unused 
to  the  ways  of  the  world,  "  she  has  exploded." 

Northrop  poked  it  with  his  cane  and  said,  "No, 
those  always  come  off,"  and  he  put  on  an  air  of 
superiority  over  the  boys  which  was  annoying. 

"What,  always?"  said  Mr.  Neiman,  who  had  his 
fingers  up  before  his  face,  and  was  blushing  as 
though  he  had  intermittent  fever. 

"Well,  most  always,"  said  Mr.  Northrop,  who  had 
taken  it  up,  and  was  examining  it  with  a  critic's  eye. 

"  I  presume  those  are  a  bustle,  are  they  not?"  said 
innocent  Yenowine. 

"Go  aff,  till  the  divil  wid  yer  bushtle,"  said  Mr. 
Smith,  "  I  know  bether.  Gintlemen,  I  am  a  plain 
shpoken  man,  and  for  me  age  have  seen  many  thry- 
ing  situations,  but  if  this  was  me  lasht  day  on  earth 
I  should  shwear  that  was  no  more  a  bush  tie  than  1 
am.  Bushtles  are  never  twins." 

Mr.  Harger,  of  the  Wisconsin,  who  had  hidden 
behind  the  stove  pipe,  was  asked  by  Mr.  Smith  what 
he  thought  they  were,  whether  it  might  not  be  an 
infernal  machine.  Mr.  Harger  said  he  had  never 
known  one  to  explode.  He  said  when  he  was  re 
porting  legislative  proceedings  the  members  drew 


34  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

those  with  their  stationery,  from  the  superintendent 
of  public  property,  but  he  had  no  idea  what  they  did 
with  them. 

At  this  point  Mr.  Aldrich,  who  had  just  come  in, 
\vas  asked  to  examine  it  and  tell  what  it  was.  Mr. 
Aldrich  took  it  up  like  a  thing  of  life,  and  gazed  up 
on  it  as  though  trying  to  recall  something  to  his 
mind.  Placing  his  finger,  the  one  with  the  diamond 


'BUSHTLES  ARE  TsTIVER  TWI2TS. 


ring  on,  to  his  corrugated  forehead,  he  paused  for  a 
moment  and  finally  gave  his  opinion  that  they  were 
life  preservers.  He  said  that  in  Boston  all  women 
wore  them,  especially  when  they  were  out  on  excur 
sions,  or  picnics.  "See,"  says  he,  as  he  hefted  it, 
and  made  an  indentation  in  it  which  resumed  its 
natural  position  as  soon  as  he  took  his  finger  off, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  3o 

"  it  is  filled  with  wind.  Now,  in  case  of  accident, 
that  would  float  a  woman  on  top  of  water  until  she 
could  be  rescued.  Let  us  demonstrate  this  matter 
by  putting  it  on  Mr.  Boyington,  of  the  Sentinel,  and 
taking  him  to  the  morgue  and  placing  him  in  the 
bath  tub/'and  he  proceeded  to  fasten  the  life  pre 
server  around  the  calf  of  Mr.  Boyington's  leg. 

'•  Say,  where  are  you  putting  it?"  says  Mr.  B.,  as 
he  struggled  to  keep  from  laughing  right  out.  "You 
fellows  don't  know  as  much  as  Thompson's  colt.  If 
I  know  my  own  heart,  and  I  think  I  do,  a  life  pre 
server  goes  on  under  the  vest." 

Mr.  Aldrich  said  he  didn't  pretend  to  know  any 
more  than  anybody  else.  All  he  knew  about  these 
things  personally  was  that  he  had  seen  them  hang 
ing  up  in  stores,  for  sale,  and  one  day  when  he  was 
shopping  he  asked  one  of  the  lady  clerksxwhat  it 
was  hanging  up  there,  and  she  said  it  was  a  life  pre 
server,  and  asked  him  if  he  wanted  one,  and  he  told 
her  no,  he  was  only  inquiring  for  a  friend  of  his, 
who  rode  a  bicycle.  He  didn't  know  but  it  might  be 
something  that  went  with  a  bicycle. 

All  the  time  this  discussion  was  going  on  we  sat 
by  the  safe  in  the  police  office.  We  never  were  so 
sorry  for  a  lot  of  innocent  young  men,  never.  The 
girl  looked  at  us  and  winked,  as  much  as  to  say, 
"  Old  man,  why  do  you  not  come  to  the  rescue  of 
these  young  hoodlums,  who  don't  know  what  they 
are  talking  about,  and  take  the  conceit  out  of  them," 
and  so  we  explained  to  them,  in  the  best  language 
we  could  command,  the  uses  and  abuses  of  the  gar 
ment  they  were  examining,  and  showed  them  how 
it  went  on,  and  how  the  invention  of  it  filled  a  want 
long  felt  by  our  American  people.  They  all  admit- 


36  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

ted  that  we  were  right,  and  that  it  was  a  counterfeit 
well  calculated  to  deceive,  and  we  believe  now  that 
the  woman  was  convicted  of  counterfeiting  mainly 
on  the  testimony  of  the  reporters.  However  that 
may  be,  we  desire  to  impress  upon  the  authorities 
the  importance  of  employing  ladies  at  the  police  of 
fice  to  examine  women  who  are  arrested  for  crime. 
The  police  cannot  always  depend  on  having  a  news 
paper  man  around. 

ABOUT    HELL. 

AN  item  is  going  the  rounds  of  the  papers,  to  illus 
trate  how  large  the  sun  is,  and  how  hot  it  is,  which 
asserts  that  if  an  icicle  a  million  miles  long,  and  a 
hundred  thousand  miles  through,  should  be  thrust 
into  one  of  the  burning  cavities  of  the  sun,  it  would 
be  melted  in  a  hundredth  part  of  a  second,  and  that 
it  would  not  cause  as  much  "sissing"  as  a  drop  of 
water  on  a  hot  griddle. 

By  this  comparison  we  can  realize  that  the  sun  is 
a  big  thing,  and  we  can  form  some  idea  of  what 
kind  of  a  place  it  would  be  to  pass  the  summer 
months.  In  contemplating  the  terrible  heat  of  the 
sun,  we  are  led  to  wonder  why  those  whose  duty  it 
is  to  preach  a  hell  hereafter,  have  not  argued  that 
the  sun  is  the  place  where  sinners  will  go  to  when 
they  die. 

It  is  not  our  desire  to  inaugurate  any  reform  in 
religious  matters,  but  we  realize  what  a  discourag 
ing  thing  it  must  be  for  preachers  to  preach  hell  and 
have  nothing  to  show  for  it.  As  the  business  is  now 
done,  they  are  compelled  to  draw  upon  their  imag 
ination  for  a  place  of  endless  punishment,  and  a 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  3? 

great  many  people,  who  would  be  frightened  out  of 
their  boots  if  the  minister  could  show  them  hell  as 
he  sees  it,  look  upon  his  talk  as  a  sort  of  dime  novel 
romance. 

They  want  something  tangible  on  which  they  can 
base  their  belief,  and  while  the  ministers  do  every 
thing  in  their  power  to  encourage  sinners  by  pictur 
ing  to  them  the  lake  of  fire  and  brimstone,  where 
boat-riding  is  out  of  the  question  unless  you  paddle 
around  in  a  cauldron  kettle,  it  seems  as  though  their 
labors  would  be  lightened  if  they  could  point  to  the 
sun,  on  a  hot  day  in  August,  and  say  to  the  wicked 
man  that  unless  he  gets  down  on  his  knees  and  says 
his  now  I  lay  me,  and  repents,  and  is  sprinkled, 
and  chips  in  pretty  flush  towards  the  running  ex 
penses  of  the  church,  and  stands  his  assessments 
like  a  thoroughbred,  that  he  will  wake  up  some 
morning,  and  find  himself  in  the  sun,  blistered  from 
Genesis  to  Revelations,  thirsty  as  a  harvest  hand 
and  not  a  brewery  within  a  million  miles,  begging 
for  a  zinc  ulster  to  cool  his  parched  hind  legs. 

Such  an  argument,  with  an  illustration  right  on 
the  blackboard  of  the  sky,  in  plain  sight,  would 
strike  terror  to  the  sinner,  and  he  would  want  to 
come  into  the  fold  too  quick.  What  the  religion  of 
this  country  wants,  to  make  it  take  the  cake,  is  a 
hell  that  the  wayfaring  man,  though  a  democrat  or 
a  greenbacker,  can  see  with  the  naked  eye.  The 
way  it  is  now,  the  sinner,  if  he  wants  to  find  out 
anything  about  the  hereafter,  has  to  take  it  second 
handed,  from  some  minister  or  deacon  who  has  not 
seen  it  himself,  but  has  got  his  idea  of  it  from  some 
other  fellow  who  maybe  dreamed  it  out. 


38  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Some  deacon  tells  a  sinner  all  about  the  orthodox 
hell,  and  the  sinner  does  not  know  whether  to  be 
lieve  him  or  not.  The  deacon  may  have  lied  to  the 
sinner  some  time  in  a  horse  trade,  or  in  selling  him 
goods,  and  beat  him,  and  how  does  he  know  but  the 
same  deacon  is  playing  a  brace  game  on  him  on  the 
hereafter,  or  playing  him  for  a  sardine. 

Now,  if  the  people  who  advance  these  ideas  of 
heaven  or  hell,  had  a  license  to  point  to  the  moon, 
the  nice,  cool  moon,  as  heaven,  which  would  be 
plausible,  to  say  the  least,  and  say  that  it  was 
heaven,  and  prove  it,  and  could  prove  that  the  sun 
was  the  other  place,  which  looks  reasonable,  accord 
ing  to  all  we  have  heard  about  'tother  place,  the 
moon  would  be  so  full  there  would  not  be  standing 
room,  and  they  would  have  to  turn  republicans 
away,  while  the  sun  would  be  playing  to  empty 
benches,  and.  there  would  only  be  a  few  editors  there 
who  got  in  on  passes. 

Of  course,  during  a  cold  winter,  when  the  ther 
mometer  was  forty  or  fifty  degrees  below  zero,  and 
everybody  was  blocked  in,  and  coal  was  up  to  seven 
teen  dollars  a  ton,  the  cause  of  religion  would  not 
prosper  as  much  as  it  would  in  summer,  because 
when  you  talked  to  a  sinner  about  leading  a  differ 
ent  life  or  he  would  go  to  the  sun,  he  would  look  at 
his  coal  pile  and  say  that  he  didn't  care  a  continental 
how  soon  he  got  there,  but  these  discouragements 
would  not  be  any  greater  than  some  that  the  truly 
good  people  have  to  contend  with  now,  and  the 
average  the  year  round  would  be  largely  in  favor  of 
going  to  the  moon. 

The  moon  is  very  popular  now,  even,  and  if  it  is 
properly  advertised  as  a  celestial  paradise,  where 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  39 

only  good  people  could  get  their  work  in,  and  where 
the  wicked  could  not  enter  on  any  terms,  there 
would  be  a  great  desire  to  take  the  straight  and  nar 
row  way  .to  the  moon,  and  the  path  to  the  wicked 
sun  would  be  grown  over  with  sand  burs,  and 
scorched  with  lava,  and  few  would  care  to  take  pas 
sage  by  that  route.  Anyway,  this  thing  is  worth 
looking  into. 

UNSCREWING  THE  TOP  OF  A  FRUIT  JAR. 

THERE  is  one  thing  that  there  should  be  a  law 
passed  about,  and  that  is,  these  glass  fruit  jars,  with 
a  top  that  screws  on.  It  should  be  made  a  criminal 
offense,  punishable  with  death  or  banishment  to 
Chicago,  for  a  person  to  manufacture  a  fruit  jar,  for 
preserving  fruit,  with  a  top  that  screws  on.  Those 
jars  look  nice  when  the  fruit  is  put  up  in  them,  and 
the  house-wife  feels  as  though  she  was  repaid  for 
all  her  perspiration  over  a  hot  stove,  as  she  looks  at 
the  glass  jars  of  different  berries,  on  the  shelf  in  the 
cellar. 

The  trouble  does  not  begin  until  she  has  company, 
and  decides  to  tap  a  little  of  her  choice  fruit.  After 
the  supper  is  well  under  way,  she  sends  for  a  jar, 
and  tells  the  servant  to  unscrew  the  top,  and  pour 
the  fruit  into  a  dish.  The  girl  brings  it  into  the 
kitchen,  and  proceeds  to  unscrew  the  top.  She  works 
gently  at  first,  then  gets  mad,  wrenches  at  it,  sprains 
her  wrist,  and  begins  to  cry,  with  her  nose  on  the 
underside  of  her  apron,  and  skins  her  nose  on  the 
dried  pancake  batter  that  is  hidden  in  the  folds  of 
the  apron. 


40 

Then  the  little  house- wife  takes  hold  of  the  fruit 
can,  smilingly,  and  says  she  will  show  the  girl  how 
to  take  off  the  top.  She  sits  down  on  the  wood-box, 
takes  the  glass  jar  between  her  knees,  runs  out  her 
tongue,  and  twists.  But  the  cover  does  not  twist. 
The  cover  seems  to  feel  as  though  it  was  placed 
there  to  keep  guard  over  that  fruit,  and  it  is  as  im 
movable  as  the  Egyptian  pyramids.  The  little  lady 
works  until  she  is  red  in  the  face,  and  until  her 
crimps  all  come  down,  and  then  she  sets  it  away 
to  wait  for  the  old  man  to  come  home.  He  comes  in 
tired,  disgusted,  and  mad  as  a  hornet,  and  when  the 
case  is  laid  before  him,  he  goes  out  in  the  kitchen, 
pulls  off  his  coat,  and  takes  the  jar. 

He  remarks  that  he  is  at  a  loss  to  know  what  wo 
men  are  made  for,  anyway.  He  says  they  are  all 
right  to  sit  around  and  do  crochet  work,  but  when 
strategy,  brain,  and  muscle  are  required,  then  they 
can't  get  along  without  a  man.  He  tries  to  unscrew 
the  cover,  and  his  thumb  slips  off  and  knocks  the 
skin  off  the  knuckle.  He  breathes  a  silent  prayer 
and  calls  for  the  kerosene  can,  and  pours  a  little  oil 
into  the  crevice,  and  lets  it  soak,  and  then  he  tries 
again,  and  swears  audibly. 

Then  he  calls  for  a  tack-hammer,  and  taps  the 
cover  gently  on  one  side,  the  glass  jar  breaks,  and 
the  juice  runs  down  his  trousers  leg,  on  the  table 
and  all  around.  Enough  of  the  fruit  is  saved  for 
supper,  and  the  old  man  goes  up  the  back  stairs  to 
tie  his  thumb  up  in  a  rag,  and  change  his  pants. 

All  come  to  the  table  smiling,  as  though  nothing 
had  happened,  and  the  house- wife  don't  allow  any 
of  the  family  to  have  any  sauce  for  fear  they  will 
get  broken  glass  into  their  stomachs,  but  the  "com- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  41 

party  "  is  provided  for  generously,  and  all  would  be 
well  only  for  a  remark  of  a  little  boy  who,  when 
asked  if  he  will  have  some  more  of  the  sauce,  says 
he  "  don't  want  no  strawberries  pickled  in  kerosene." 
The  smiling  little  hostess  steals  a  smell  of  the  sauce, 
while  they  are  discussing  politics,  and  believes  she 
does  smell  kerosene,  and  she  looks  at  the  old  man 
kind  of  spunky,  when  he  glances  at  the  rag  on  his 
thumb  and  asks  if  there  is  no  liniment  in  the  house. 
The  preserving  of  fruit  in  glass  jars  is  broken  up 
in  that  house,  and  four  dozen  jars  are  down  cellar 
to  lay  upon  the  lady's  mind  till  she  gets  a  chance  to 
send  some  of  them  to  a  charity  picnic.  The  glass 
jar  fruit  can  business  is  played  out  unless  a  scheme 
can  be  invented  to  get  the  top  off. 

BUTTERMILK  BIBBERS. 

THE  immense  consumption  of  buttermilk  as  a 
drink,  retailed  over  the  bars  of  saloons,  has  caused 
temperance  people  to  rejoice.  It  is  said  that  over 
two  thousand  gallons  a  day  are  sold  in  Milwaukee. 
There  is  one  thing  about  buttermilk,  in  its  favor, 
and  that  is,  it  does  not  intoxicate,  and  it  takes  the 
place  of  liquor  as  a  beverage.  A  man  may  drink  a 
quart  of  buttermilk,  and  while  he  may  feel  like  a 
calf  that  has  been  sucking,  and  want  to  stand  in  a 
fence  corner  and  bleat,  or  kick  up  his  heels  and  run 
around  a  pasture-,  he  does  not  become  intoxicated 
and  throw  a  beer  keg  through  a  saloon  window. 

Another  thing;  buttermilk  does  not  cause  the  nose 
to  become  red,  and  the  consumer's  breath  does  not 
smell  like  the  next  day  after  a  sangerfest.  The 
complexion  of  the  nose  of  a  buttermilk  drinker  as- 


42  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

sumes  a  pale  hue  which  is  enchanting,  and  while 
his  breath  may  smell  like  a  baby  that  has  nursed 
too  much  and  got  sour,  the  smell  does  not  debar  his 
entrance  to  a  temperance  society. 

AN  AESTHETIC  FEMALE  CLUB  BUSTED. 

THE  organization  of  the  "  Cosmos  "  Club,  of  Chi 
cago  women,  for  the  purpose  of  discussing  "aesthetic" 
business,  ancient  poetry  and  pottery  ware,  calls  to 
mind  the  attempt  to  organize  such  a  club  here  in 
Milwaukee.  Our  people  here  are  too  utterly  full  of 
business  and  domestic  affairs  to  take  to  the 
"sesthetic"  very  generally,  and  the  lady  from  Bos 
ton  who  tried  to  get  up  a  class  in  the  new  wrinkle 
went  away  considerably  disgusted.  She  called  about 
fifty  of  our  splendidest  ladies  together  at  the  resi 
dence  of  one  of  them,  and  told  them  what  the  ladies 
of  Eastern  cities  were  doing  in  the  study  of  higher 
arts.  She  elaborated  considerably  on  the  study  of 
Norwegian  literature,  ceramics,  bric-a-brac  and  so 
forth,  and  asked  for  an  expression  of  the  ladies  pres 
ent.  One  lady  said  she  was  willing  to  go  into  any 
thing  that  would  tend  to  elevate  the  tone  of  society, 
and  make  women  better  qualified  for  helpmates  to 
their  husbands,  but  she  didn't  want  any  Norwegian 
literature  in  hers.  She  said  her  husband  ran  for  an. 
office  once  and  the  whole  gang  of  Norwegian  voters 
went  back  on  him  and  he  was  everlastingly  scooped. 

The  Boston  lady  held  up  her  hands  in  holy  hor 
ror,  and  was  going  to  explain  to  the  speaker  how 
she  was  off  her  base,  when  another  lady  got  up  and 
said  she  wanted  to  take  the  full  course  or  nothing. 
She  wanted  to  be  posted  in  ancient  literature  and 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  43 

ceramics.  She  had  studied  ceramics  some  already, 
and  had  got  a  good  deal  of  information.  She  had 
found  that  in  case  of  whooping  cough,  goose  oil 
rubbed  on  the  throat  and  lungs  was  just  as  good  as 
it  was  in  case  of  croup,  and  she  felt  that  with  a 
good  teacher  any  lady  would  learn  much  that  would 
be  of  incalculable  value,  and  she,  for  one,  was  going 
for  the  whole  hog  or  none. 

The  Boston  lady  saved  herself  from  fainting  by 
fanning  herself  vigorously,  and  was  about  to  show 
the  two  ladies  that  they  had  a  wrong  idea  of 
aesthetics,  when  a  lady  from  the  West  Side,  who 
had  just  been  married,  got  up  and  said  she  felt  that 
we  were  all  too  ignorant  of  aesthetics,  and  they 
should  take  every  opportunity  to  become  better  in 
formed.  She  said  when  she  first  went  to  keeping 
house  she  couldn't  tell  baking  powder  that  had  alum 
in  it  from  the  pure  article,  and  she  had  nearly 
ruined  her  husband's  stomach  before  she  learned 
anything.  And  speaking  of  bric-a-brac,  she  felt 
that  every  lady  should  learn  to  economize,  by  occa 
sionally  serving  a  picked  up  dinner,  of  bric-a-brac 
that  would  otherwise  be  wasted. 

Tfhe  Boston  lady  found  she  could  not  speak  un- 
derstandingly,  so  she  left  her  chair  and  went  around 
to  the  -different  groups  of  ladies,  who  were  talking 
earnestly,  to*  get  them  interested.  The  first  group 
of  four  that  she  broke  in  on  were  talking  of  the  best 
way  to  renovate  seal-skin  cloaks  that  had  been 
moth  eaten.  One  lady  said  that  she  had  tried  all 
the  aesthetic  insect  powder  that  was  advertised  in 
the  papers,  and  the  moths  would  fairly  get  fat  on  it, 
and  beg  for  more ;  but  last  spring  she  found  out 
that  moths  were  afraid  of  whisky, 


44  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Her  husband  worked  in  a  wholesale  whisky  store, 
and  his  garments  became  saturated  with  the  per 
fume,  and  you  couldn't  hire  a  moth  to  go  near  him. 
So  she  got  an  empty  whisky  barrel  and  put  in  all 
her  furs,  and  the  moths  never  touched  a  thing.  But 
she  said  the  moths  had  a  high  old  time  all  summer. 
They  would  get  together  in  squads  and  a  go  to  the 
barrel  and  smell  at  the  bung-hole,  and  lock  arms 
and  sashay  around  the  room,  staggering  just  as 
though  there  was  an  election,  and  about  eleven 
o'clock  they  would  walk  up  to  a  red  spot  in  the  car 
pet  and  take  a  lunch,  just  like  men  going  to  a  sa 
loon. 

She  said  there  was  one  drawback  to  the  whisky 
barrel,  as  it  gave  her  away  when  she  first  went  out 
in  company  after  taking  her  clothes  out  of  the  bar 
rel.  She  wore  her  seal-skin  cloak  to  the  Good  Tem 
plars'  Lodge,  the  first  night  after  taking  it  out,  and 
they  were  going  to  turn  her  out  of  the  Lodge  on  the 
ground  that  she  had  violated  her  obligation. 

"You  may  talk  about  your  Scandinavian  litera 
ture,"  said  she,  turning  to  the  Boston  lady,  "but 
when  it  comes  to  keeping  moths  out  of  furs,  an 
empty  whisky  barrel  knocks  the  everlasting  socks 
off  of  anything  I  ever  tried." 

The  Boston  lady  put  on  her  aesthetic  hat,  and  was 
about  to  take  her  leave,  satisfied  that  she  had  struck 
the  wrong  crowd,  when  a  sweet  little  woman,  with 
pouting  lips,  called  her  aside.  The  Boston  lady 
thought  she  had  found  at  last  one  congenial  soul, 
and  she  said : 

"  What  is  it,  my  dear  ?" 

The  little  lady  hesitated  a  moment,  and  with  a 
tear  in  her  eye  she  asked  ; 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  45 

"Madam,  can  you  tell  me  what  is  good  for  worms? 
Fido  has  acted  for  a  week  as  though  he  was  ill, 
and- 

That  settled  it.  The  Boston  lady  went  away,  and 
has  never  been  heard  of  since. 


"A  YOUNG  fellow  and, his  girl  went  out  sleighing 
yesterday,  and  the  lad  returned  with  a  frozen  ear. 
There  is  nothing  very  startling  in  the  simple  fact 
of  a  frozen  ear,  but  the  idea  is  that  it  was  the  ear 
next  to  the  girl  that  he  was  foolish  enough  to  let 
freeze." 

A  girl  that  will  go  out  sleigh-riding  with  a  young 
man  and  allow  his  ears  to  freeze,  is  no  gentleman, 
and  ought  to  be  arrested.  Why,  here  in  Milwaukee, 
on  the  coldest  days,  we  have  seen  a  young  man  out 
riding  with  a  girl,  and  his  ears  were  so  hot  they 
would  fairly  "sis,"  and  there  was  not  a  man  driving 
on  the  avenue  but  would  have  changed  places  with 
the  young  man,  and  allowed  his  ears  to  cool.  Girls 
cannot  sit  too  close  during  this  weather.  The  cli 
mate  is  rigorous. 

POOLING  WITH  THE  BIBLE. 

REPORTS  from  the  stationers  show  that  there  is  no 
demand  at  all  for  the  revised  edition  of  the  Bible, 
and  had  it  not  been  for  the  newspapers  publishing 
the  whole  affair  there  would  have  been  very  few 
persons  that  took  the  trouble  to  even  glance  at  it, 
and  it  is  believed  that  not  one  reader  of  the  dailj 
papers  in  a  hundred  read  any  of  the  Bible,  and  not 
one  in  ten  thousand  read  all  of  it  which  was  pub- 


46  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

lished.  Who  originated  this  scheme  of  revising  the 
Bible  we  do  not  know,  but  whoever  it  was  made  a 
miscue.  There  was  no  one  suffering  particularly  for 
a  revision  of  the  Bible.  It  was  good  enough  as  it 
was.  No  literary  sharp  of  the  present  day  has  got 
any  license  to  change  anything  in  the  Bible. 

Why,  the  cheeky  ghouls  have  actually  altered 
over  the  Lord's  Prayer,  cut  it  biased,  and  thrown 
the  parts  about  giving  us  this  day  bur  daily  bread 
into  the  rag  bag.  How  do  they  know  that  the  Lord 
said  more  than  he  wanted  to  in  that  prayer?  He 
wanted  that  daily  bread  in  there,  or  He  never  would 
have  put  it  in.  The  only  wonder  is  that  those  re 
visers  did  not  insert  strawberry  shortcake  and  ice 
cream  in  place  of  daily  bread.  Some  of  these  min 
isters  who  are  writing  speeches  for  the  Lord  think 
they  are  smart.  They  have  fooled  with  Christ's 
Sermon  on  the  Mount  until  He  couldn't  tell  it  if  He 
was  to  meet  it  in  the  Chicago  Times. 

This  thing  has  gone  on  long  enough,  and  we  want 
a  stop  put  to  it.  We  have  kept  still  about  the  piracy 
that  has  been  going  on  in  the  Bible  because  people 
who  are  better  than  we  are  have  seemed  to  endorse 
it,  but  now  we  are  sick  of  it,  and  if  there  is  going  to 
be  an  annual  clerical  picnic  to  cut  gashes  in  the 
Bible  and  stick  new  precepts  and  examples  on  where 
they  will  do  the  most  hurt,  we  shall  lock  up  our 
old  Bible  where  the  critters  can't  get  at  it,  and 
throw  the  first  book  agent  down  stairs  head  first 
•that  tries  to  shove  off  on  to  us  one  of  these  new  f an 
gled,  go-as-you-please  Bibles,  with  all  the  modern 
improvements,  and  hell  left  out. 

Now,  where  was  there  a  popular  demand  to  have 
hell  left  out  of  the  Bible  ?  Were  there  any  petitions 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  4? 

from  the  people  sent  up  to  this  self -constituted  leg 
islature  of  pinchbeck  ministers,  praying  to  have  hell 
abolished,  and  "  hades"  inserted?  Not  a  petition. 
And  what  is  this  hades  ?  Where  is  it  ?  Nobody 
knows.  They  have  taken  away  our  orthodox  hell, 
that  has  stood  by  us  since  we  first  went  to  Sunday 
school,  and  given  us  a  hades.  Half  of  us  wouldn't 
know  a  hades  if  we  should  see  it  dead  in  the  road, 
but  they  couldn't  fool  us  any  on  hell. 

No,  these  revisers  have  done  more  harm  to  relig 
ion  than  they  could  have  done  by  preaching  all  their 
lives.  They  have  opened  the  ball,  and  now,  every 
time  a  second-class  dominie  gets  out  of  a  job,  he  is 
going  to  cut  and  slash  into  the  Bible.  He  will  think 
up  lots  of  things  that  will  sound  better  than  some 
things  that  are  in  there,  and  by  and  by  we  shall 
have  our  Bibles  as  we  do  our  almanacs,  annually, 
with  weather  probabilities  on  the  margins. 

This  is  all  wrong.  Infidels  will  laugh  at  us,  and 
say  our  old  Bible  is  worn  out,  and  out  of  style,  and 
tell  us  to  have  our  measure  taken  for  a  new  one  ev 
ery  fall  and  spring,  as  we  do  for  our  clothes.  If  this 
revision  is  a  good  thing,  why  won't  another  one  be 
better  ?  The  woods  are  full  of  preachers  who  think 
they  could  go  to  work  and  improve  the  Bible,  and  if 
we  don't  shut  down  on  this  thing,  they  will  take  a 
hand  in  it.  If  a  man  hauls  down  the  American  flag, 
we  shoot  him  on  the  spot ;  and  now  we  suggest  that 
if  any  man  mutilates  the  Bible,  we  run  an  umbrella 
into  him  and  spread  it. 

The  old  Bible  just  filled  the  bill,  and  we  hope 
every  new  one  that  is  printed  will  lay  on  the  shelves 
and  get  sour.  This  revision  of  the  Bible  is  believed 
to  be  the  work  of  an  incendiary.  It  is  a  scheme  got 


48  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

up  by  British  book  publishers  to  make  money  out  of 
pious  people.  It  is  on  the  same  principle  that  spec 
ulators  get  up  a  corner  on  pork  or  wheat.  They  got 
revision,  and  printed  Bibles  enough  to  supply  the 
world,  and  would  not  let  out  one  for  love  or  money. 
None  were  genuine  unless  the  name  of  this  British 
firm  was  blown  in  the  bottle. 

Millions  of  Bibles  were  shipped  to  this  country  by 
the  firm  that  was  "long"  on  Bibles,  and  they  were 
to  be  thrown  on  the  market  suddenly,  after  being 
locked  up  and  guarded  by  the  police  until  the  peo 
ple  were  made  hungry  for  Bibles. 

The  edition  was  advertised  like  a  circus,  and  doors 
were  to  be  opened  at  six  o'clock  in  the  morning. 
American  publishers  who  wanted  to  publish  the 
Bible,  too,  got  compositors  ready  to  rush  out  a  cheap 
Bible  within  twelve  hours,  and  the  Britons,  who 
were  running  the  corner  on  the  Word  of  God,  called 
these  American  publishers  pirates.  The  idea  of  men 
being  pirates  for  printing  a  Bible,  which  should  be 
as  free  as  salvation.  The  newspapers  that  had  the 
Bibles  telegraphed  to  them  from  the  east,  were  also 
pirates. 

0,  the  revision  is  a  three-card  monte  speculation  ; 
that  is  all  it  is. 

A  PECK  AT  THE  CHEESE. 

GEO.  W.  PECK,  of  the  Sun,  recently  delivered  an 
address  before  the  Wisconsin  State  Dairyman's  As 
sociation.  The  following  is  an  extract  from  the 
document: 

Fellow  creamationists :  In  calling  upon  me,  on 
this  occasion,  to  enlighten  you  upon  a  subject  that 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  49 

is  dear  to  the  hearts  of  all  Americans,  you  have  got 
the  right  man  in  the  right  place.  It  makes  me  proud 
to  come  to  my  old  home  and  unfold  truths  that  have 
been  folded  since  I  can  remember.  It  may  be  said 
by  scaffers,  and  it  has  been  said  to-day,  in  my  pres 
ence,  that  I  didn't  know  enough  to  even  milk  a  cow. 
I  deny  the  allegation;  show  me  the  allegator.  If 
any  gentleman  present  has  got  a  cow  here  with  him, 
and  I  can  borrow  a  clothes-wringer,  I  will  show  you 
whether  I  can  milk  a  cow  or  not.  Or,  if  there  is  a 
cheese  mine  here  handy,  I  will  demonstrate  that  I 
can — runnet. 

The  manufacture  of  cheese  and  butter  has  bee«n 
among  the  earliest  industries.  Away  back  in  the 
history  of  the  world,  we  lind  Adam  and  Eve  convey 
ing  their  milk  from  the  garden  of  Eden,  in  a  one- 
horse  wagon  to  the  cool  spring  cheese  factory,  to  be 
weighed  in  the  balance.'  Whatever  may  be  said  of 
Adam  and  Eve  to  their  discredit  in  the  marketing 
of  the  products  of  their  orchard,  it  has  never  been 
charged  that  they  stopped  at  the  pump  and  put 
water  in  their  milk  cans.  Doubtless  you  all  remem 
ber  how  Cain  killed  his  brother  Abel  because  Abel 
would  not  let  him  do  the  churning.  We  can  picture 
Cain  and  Abel  driving  mooly  cows  up  to  the  house 
from  the  pasture  in  the  southeast  corner  of  the  gar 
den,  and  Adam  standing  at  the  bars  with  a  tin  pail 
and  a  three-legged  stool,  smoking  a  meerschaum 
pipe  and  singing  "Hold  the  fort  for  I  am  coming 
through  the  rye,"  while  Eve  sat  on  the  verandah 
altering  over  her  last  year's  polonaise,  and  winking 
at  the  devil  who  stood  behind  the  milk  house  sing 
ing,  "I  want  to  be  an  angel."  After  he  got  through 


50  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

milking  he  came  up  and  saw  Eve  blushing,  and  he 
said,  ''Madame,  cheese  it,"  and  she  chose  it. 

But  to  come  down  to  the  present  day,  we  find  that 
cheese  has  become  one  of  the  most  important 
branches  of  manufacture.  It  is  next  in  importance 
to  the  silver  interest.  Arrd,  fellow  cheese  mongers, 
you  are  doing  yourselves  great  injustice  that  you  do 
not  petition  congress  to  pass  a  bill  to  remonetize 
cheese.  There  is  more  cheese  raised  in  this  country 
than  there  is  silver,  and  it  is  more  valuable.  Sup 
pose  you  had  not  eaten  a  mouthful  in  thirty  days, 
and  you  should  have  placed  on  the  table  before  you 
ten  dollars  stamped  out  of  silver  bullion  on  one  plate 
and  nine  dollars  stamped  out  of  cheese  bullion  on 
another  plate.  Which  would  you  take  first?  Though 
the  face  value  of  the  nine  cheese  dollars  would  be 
ten  per  cent,  below  the  face  value  of  ten  silver  dol 
lars,  you  would  take  the  cheese.  You  could  use  it  to 
better  advantage  in  your  business.  Hence  I  say 
cheese  is  more  valuable  than  silver,  and  it  should 
be  made  legal  tender  for  all  debts,  public  and  pri 
vate,  except  pew  rent.  I  may  be  in  advance  of 
other  eminent  financiers,  who  have  studied  the  cur 
rency  question,  but  I  want  to  see  the  time  come,  and 
I  trust  the  day  is  not  far  distant,  when  412^  grains 
of  cheese  will  be  equal  to  a  dollar  in  codfish,  and 
when  the  merry  jingle  of  slices  of  cheese  shall  be 
heard  in  every  pocket. 

Then  every  cheese  factory  can  make  its  own  coin, 
money  will  be  plenty,  everybody  will  be  happy,  and 
there  never  will  be  any  more  war.  It  may  be  asked 
how  this  currency  can  be  redeemed?  I  would  have 
an  incontrovertible  bond,  made  of  Limburger  cheese, 
which  is  stronger  and  more  durable.  When  this  is 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  51 

done  you  can  tell  the  rich  from  the  poor  man  by  the 
smell  of  his  money.  Now-a-days  many  of  us  do  not 
even  get  a  smell  of  moiiey^,  but  in  the  good  days 
which  are  coming  the  gentle  zephyr  will  waft  to  us 
the  able-bodied  Limburger,  and  we  shall  know  that 
money  is  plenty. 

The  manufacture  of  cheese  is  a  business  that  a 
poor  man  can  engage  in  as  well  as  a  rich  man.  I 
say  it,  without  fear  of  successful  contradiction,  and 
say  it  boldly,  that  a  poor  man  with,  say  200  cows,  if 
he  thoroughly  understands  his  business,  can  market 
more  cheese  than  a  rich  man  who  owns  300  oxen. 
This  is  susceptible  of  demonstration.  If  my  boy 
showed  a  desire  to  become  a  statesman,  I  would  say 
to  him,  "Young  man,  get  married,  buy  a  mooley 
cow,  go  to  Sheboygan  county,  and  start  a  cheese 
factory." 

Speaking  of  cows,  did  it  ever  occur  to  you,  gentle 
men,  what  a  saving  it  would  be  to  you  if  you  should 
adopt  mooley  cows  instead  of  horned  cattle?  It  takes 
at  least  three  tons  of  hay  and  a  large  quantity  of 
ground  feed  annually  to  keep  a  pair  of  horns  fat, 
and  what  earthly  use  are  they?  Statistics  show  that 
there  are  annually  killed  45,000  grangers  by  cattle 
with  horns.  You  pass  laws  to  muzzle  dogs,  because 
one  in  ten  thousand  goes  mad,  and  yet  more  people 
are  killed  by  cattle  horns  than  by  dogs.  What  the 
country  needs  is  more  mooley  cows. 

Now  that  I  am  on  the  subject,  it  may  be  asked 
what  is  the  best  paying  breed  for  the  dairy.  My 
opinion  is  divided  between  the  south  down  and  the 
cochin  china.  Some  like  one  the  best  and  some  the 
other,  but  as  for  me,  give  me  liberty  or  give  me 
death. 


52  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

There  are  many  reforms  that  should  be  inaugu 
rated  in  the  manufacture  of  cheese.  Why  should 
cheese  be  made  round?  •  I  am  inclined  to  the  belief 
that  the  making  of  cheese  round  is  a  superstition. 
Who  had  not  rather  buy  a  good  square  pie'ce  of 
cheese,  than  a  wedge-shape  chunk,  all  rind  at  one 
end,  and  as  thin  as  a  Congressman's  excuse  for 
voting  back  pay  at  the  other?  Make  your  cheese 
square  and  the  consumer  will  rise  up  and  call  you 
another. 

Another  reform  that  might  be  inaugurated  would 
be  to  veneer  the  cheese  with  building  paper  or  clap 
boards,  instead  of  the  time-honored  piece  of  towel.  I 
never  saw  cheese  cut  that  I  didn't  think  that  the 
cloth  around  it  had  seen  service  as  a  bandage  on 
some  other  patient.  But  I  may  have  been  wrong. 
Another  thing  that  does  not  seem  to  be  right,  is  to 
see  so  many  holes  in  cheese.  It  seems  to  me  that 
solid  cheese,  one  made  by  one  of  the  old  masters, 
with  no  holes  in  it — I  do  not  accuse  you  of  cheat 
ing,  but  don't  you  feel  a  little  ashamed  when  you 
see  a  cheese  cut,  and  the  holes  are  the  biggest  part 
of  it?  The  little  cells  may  be  handy  for  the  skipper, 
but  the  consumer  feels  the  fraud  in  his  innermost 
soul. 

Among  the  improvements  made  in  the  manufac 
ture  of  cheese  I  must  not  forget  that  of  late  years 
the  cheese  does  not  resemble  the  grindstone  as  much 
as  it  did  years  ago.  The  time  has  been  when,  if  the 
farmer  could  not  find  his  grindstone,  all  he  had  to 
do  was  to  mortise  a  hole  in  the  middle  of  a  cheese, 
and  turn  it  and  grind  his  scythe.  Before  the  inven 
tion  of  nitroglycerine,  it  was  a  good  day's  work  to 
hew  off  cheese  enough  for  a  meal.  Time  has  worked 
wonders  in  cheese. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  53 

COLORED    CONCERT    TROUPES. 

SOMETIMES  it  seems  as  though  the  colored  people 
ought  to  have  a  guardian  appointed  over  them. 
Now,  you  take  a  colored  concert  troupe,  and  though 
they  may  have  splendid  voices,  they  do  not  know 
enough  to  take  advantage  of  their  opportunities. 
People  go  to  hear  them  because  they  are  colored 
people,  and  they  want  to  hear  old-fashioned  negro 
melodies,  and  yet  these  mokes  will  tackle  Italian 
opera  and  high  toned  music  that  they  don't  know 
how  to  sing. 

They  will  sing  these  fancy  operas,  and  people  will 
not  pay  any  attention.  Along  toward  the  end  of 
the  programme  they  will  sing  some  old  nigger  song, 
and  the  house  fairly  goes  wild  and  calls  them  out 
half  a  dozen  times.  And  yet  they  do  not  know 
enough  to  make  up  a  programme  of  such  music  as 
they  can  sing,  and  such  as  the  audience  want. 

They  get  too  big,  these  colored  people  do,  and 
can't  strike  their  level.  People  who  have  heard  Kel 
logg,  and  Marie  Roze,  and  Gerster,  are  sick  when  a 
black  cat  with  a  long  red  dress  comes  out  and  mur 
ders  the  same  pieces  the  prima  donnas  have  sung. 
We  have  seen  a  colored  girl  attempt  a  selection  from 
some  organ-grinder  opera,  and  she  would  howl  and 
screech,  and  catch  her  breath  and  come  again,  and 
wheel  and  fire  vocal  shrapnel,  limber  up  her  battery 
and  take  a  new  position,  and  unlimber  and  send 
volleys  of  soprano  grape  and  cannister  into  the  au 
dience,  and  then  she  would  catch  on  to  the  highest 
note  she  could  reach  and  hang  to  it  like  a  dog  to  a 
root,  till  you  would  think  they  woul'd  have  to  throw 
a  pail  of  water  on  her  to  make  her  let  go,  and  all  the 
time  she  would  be  biting  and  shaking  like  a  terrier 
with  a  rat,  and  finally  give  one  kick  at  her  red  trail 


54  DECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

with  her  hind  foot,  and  back  off  the  stage  looking 
as  though  she  would  have  to  be  carried  on  a  dust 
pan,  and  the  people  in  the  audience  would  look  at 
each  other  in  pity  and  never  give  her  a  cheer,  when, 
if  she  had  come  out  and  patted  her  leg,  and  put  one 
hand  up  to  her  ear,  and  sung,  "  Ise  a  Gwine  to  See 
Massa  Jesus  Early  in  de  Mornin',"  they  would  have 
split  the  air  wide  open  with  cheers,  and  called  her 
out  five  times. 

The  fact  is,  they  haven't  got  sense. 

There  was  a  hungry-looking,  round-shouldered, 
sick-looking  colored  man  in  that  same  party,  that 
was  on  the  programme  for  a  violin  solo.  When  he 
carne  out  the  people  looked  at  each  other,  as  much 
as  to  say,  "Now  we  will  have  some  fun."  The  moke 
struck  an  attitude  as  near  Ole  Bull  as  he  could  with 
his  number  eleven  feet  and  his  hollow  chest,  and 
played  some  diabolical  selection  from  a  foreign  cat 
opera  that  would  have  been  splendid  if  Wilhelmjor 
Ole  Bull  had  played  it,  but  the  colored  brother 
couldn't  get  within  a  mile  of  the  tune.  He  rasped 
his  old  violin  for  twenty  minutes  and  tried  to  look 
grand,  and  closed  his  eyes  and  seemed  to  soar  away 
to  heaven, — and  the  audience  wished  to  heaven  he 
had, — and  when  he  became  exhausted  and  squeezed 
the  last  note  out,  and  the  audience  saw  that  he  was 
in  a  profuse  perspiration,  they  let  him  go  and  did 
not  cairhim  back.  If  he  Had  come  out  and  sat  on 
the  back  of  a  chair  and  sawed  off  "The  Devil's 
Dream,"  or  "The  Arkansaw  Traveler,"  that  crowd 
would  have  cheered  him  till  he  thought  he  was  a 
bigger  man  than  Grant. 

But  he  didn't  have  any  sense. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  55 

If  some  one  will  send  a  marked  copy  of  this  paper 
to  some  of  these  colored  concert  troupes,  and  they 
will  take  the  hint,  and  sing  nigger  songs,  they  will 
make  a  heap  of  money,  where  now  they  have  to  live 
on  a  free  lunch  route. 

COULDN'T  GET  AWAY  FROM  HIM. 

A  GOOD  many  may  have  wondered  why  we  so  sud 
denly  quit  speeding  our  horse  on.  the  avenue.  For 
two  or  three  days  we  couldn't  go  down  the  avenue 
enough,  and  there  is  110  person  but  will  admit  that 
our  old  pile  driver  trotted  real  spry.  We  did  not  get 
the  idea  that  he  was  the  fastest  horse  that  ever  was, 
but  he  seemed  real  soon.  It  takes  a  good  deal  of 
executive  ability  for  a  man  who  has  a  third-class 
horse  to  keep  from  going  down  the  road  with  horses 
that  are  too  fast.  One  must  be  a  good  judge,  and 
when  he  finds  a  horse  that  he  can  beat,  stick  to 
him. 

We  got  the  thing  down  pretty  fine,  but  one  day  a 
mail  drove  along  beside  us,  going  up,  who  seemed 
bound  to  get  into  conversation.  He  was  a  red-faced 
man,  with  these  side-bar  whiskers,  evidently  a  Ger 
man.  He  was  driving  a  sorrel  horse  to  a  long  sled, 
with  a  box  on  behind  the  seat,  a  sort  of  delivery 
sleigh.  He  had  a  barrel  in  the  sleigh,  filled  with  in 
testines  from  a  slaughter  house,  two  baskets  full  of 
the  same  freight,  a  cow's  head,  and  two  sheep  heads. 
He  was  evidently  owner  of  a  sausage  factory  some 
where,  and  as  he  kept  along  beside  us  his  company 
was  somewhat  annoying.  Not  that  we  were  proud, 
but  we  feared  the  people  on  the  avenue  would  think 


56 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


we  were  a  silent  partner  in  a  sausage  factory,  and 
that  we  were  talking  business. 

The  man  was  real  entertaining  in  his  conversa 
tion,  but  the  load  he  had  was  not  congenial,  and  we 
were  glad  when  the  foot  of  the  hill  was  reached,  so 
we  could  turn  around  and  go  down,  and  get  away 
from  him.  We  turned  and  spit  on  our  hands,  and 
begun  to  pull  up  on  the  old  horse,  and  he  began  to 


"NICE  RACE,  AIN'T  IT,  MR.  BECK?" 

get  his  legs  untangled  and  to  go.  We  forgot  about 
the  sausage  butcher,  as  we  went  down,  the  fresh  air 
making  every  nerve  get  up  and  git. 

Suddenly  the  nose  of  a  sorrel  horse  began  to  work 
up  by  where  we  sat,  and  we  looked  around,  and  may 
we  never  live  to  make  a  million  dollars  if  it  wasn't 
the  red-faced  sausage  man,  intestines,  cow's  head, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  57 

basket  and  all,  and  his  old  horse  was  coming  for  all 
that  was  out.  We  blush  for  our  sex.  It  v/ould  look 
nice  to  get  in  the  papers  that  we  had  been  racing 
our  blue-blooded  thoroughbred  against  a  sausage 
butcher,  wouldn't  it?  Our  plan  was  formed  in  an 
instant.  Great  generals  form  plans  suddenly,  and 
we  took  out  the  whip  and  touched  our  horse  on  a 
raw  spot,  intending  to  go  right  away  from  the  ferti 
lizer. 

The  horse  seemed  to  smell  the  load  behind  him, 
and  to  have  his  pride  touched,  for  he  snorted  and 
let  out  another  link.  We  don't  know  as  anyone 
would  believe  it,  but  the  faster  our  beautiful  and 
costly  steed  went,  the  faster  that  homely  and  cheap 
butcher  horse  climbed.  People  by  the  hundreds  ail 
along  the  line  were  watching  the  race.  The  baskets 
of  sausage  covers  were  slewing  around  from  one 
side  of  his  sled  to  the  other,  and  we  expected  every 
moment  one  of  them  would  flop  over  into  our  cutter. 

Matters  were  becoming  desperate,  and  we  gave 
the  horbe  one  more  cut  and  went  the  last  block  at  a 
fearful  rate,  but  the  butcher  was  right  beside  us, 
so  one  mosquito  bar  would  have  covered  us,  and  we 
came  out  neck  and  neck,  the  Dutchman  a  little 
ahead  because  his  horse  was  unchecked,  and  the 
crowd  yelled  for  the  butcher.  We  turned  to  go  up, 
when  the  butcher  came  up  alongside  just  as  a  car 
riage  of  beautiful  ladies  were  passing,  and  as  they 
turned  up  their  noses  at  his  load,  he  said: 

"  Dot  vas  a  nice  race,  ain't  it,  Mister  Beck?" 

We  could  have  killed  him  in  cold  blood.  Not  that 
we  dislike  to  be  beaten.  We  have  always  been 
beaten.  It  isn't  that.  But  we  don't  want  to  trot 
horses  with  no  delivery  wagon.  We  are  not  calcu- 


58  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

lated  for  associating,  in  the  horse  arena,  with  a  load 
of  slaughter  house  refuse.  It  is  asking  too  much. 
We  are  willing  to  race  witn  Deacon  Van  Schaick, 
or  brother  Antisdel,  or  Elder  Hyde,  or  Elder  Gor 
don,  or  any  of  those  truly  good  men  in  whom  there 
is  no  guile,  and  in  whose  cutters  there  is  no  foreign 
matter,  but  as  long  as  reason  maintains  her  throne 
we  shall  never  go  upon  the  track  again  with  a 
butcher. 

There  should  be  a  law  passed  making  it  a  penal 
offence  for  a  person  with  a  delivery  wagon  to  tackle 
onto  a  man  who  drives  a  thoroughbred.  It  is  wrong, 
and  will  lead  to  trouble.  We  have  not  given  up 
racing  entirely,  but  hereafter  we  shall  look  the  ave 
nue  over  very  close  for  butchers  before  we  let  out 
our  four  legged  telescope.  A  butcher  is  just  as  gcod 
as  anybody,  understand  us,  but  they  must  keep 
their  distance.  We  don't  want  to  look  into  the  hind 
end  of  no  cutter  that  is  filled  with  slaughter  house 
ornaments,  and  we  won't.  It  is  not  pride  of  birth, 
or  anything  of  that  kind,  but  such  people  ought  to 
drive  on  Wells  street,  or  have  slower  horses. 

DOGS    AND   HUMAN    BEINGS. 

LORILLARD,  the  New  York  tobacco  man,  had  a  poo 
dle  dog  stolen,  and  has  offered  a  reward  of  five  hun 
dred  dollars  for  the  arrest  of  the  thief,  and  he  in 
forms  a  reporter  that  he  will  spend  $10,000,  if  neces 
sary,  for  the  capture  and  conviction  of  the  thief. 
[Applause.] 

The  applause  marked  in  there  will  be  from  human 
skye  terriers,  who  have  forgotten  that  only  a  few 
weeks  ago  several  hundred  girls,  who  had  been 


59 

working  in  Lorillard's  factory,  went  on  a  strike  be 
cause,  as  they  allege,  they  were  treated  like  dogs. 
We  doubt  if  they  were  treated  as  well  as  this  poodle 
was  treated.  We  doubt,  in  case  one  of  these  poor, 
virtuous  girls  was  kidnapped,  if  the  great  Lorillard 
would  have  offered  as  big  a  reward  for  the  convic 
tion  of  the  human  thief,  as  he  has  for  the  conviction 
of  the  person  who  has  eloped  with  his  poodle. 

We  hope  that  the  aristocracy  of  this  country  will 
never  get  to  valuing  a  dog  higher  than  it  does  a  hu 
man  being.  When  it  gets  so  that  a  rich  person 
would  not  pormit  a  poodle  to  do  the  work  in  a  to 
bacco  factory  that  a  poor  girl  does  to  support  a  sick 
mother,  hell  had  better  be  opened  for  summer  board 
ers.  When  girls  work  ten  hours  a  day  stripping 
nasty  tobacco,  and  find  at  the  end  of  the  week  that 
the  fines  for  speaking  are  larger  than  the  wages, 
and  the  fines  go  for  the  conviction  of  thieves  who 
steal  the  girls'  master's  dog,  no  one  need  come 
around  here  lecturing  at  a  dollar  a  head  and  telling 
us  there  is  no  hell. 

When  a  poor  girl,  who  has  gone  creeping  to  her 
work  at  daylight,  looks  out  of  the  window  at  noon 
to  see  her  master's  carriage  go  by,  in  which  there  is  a 
five  hundred  dollar  dog  with  a  hundred  dollar  blanket 
on,  and  a  collar  set  with  diamonds,  lolling  on  satin 
cushions,  and  the  girl  is  fined  ten  cents  -  for  looking 
out  of  the  window,  you  don't  want  to  fool  away  any 
time  trying  to  get  us  to  go  to  a  heaven  where  such 
heartless  employers  are  expected. 

It  is  seldom  the  Sun  gets  on  its  ear,  but  it  can  say 
with  great  fervency,  "Damn  a  man  that  will  work 
poor  girls  like  slaves,  and  pay  them  next  to  noth 
ing,  and  spend  ten  thousand  dollars  to  catch  a  dog- 


60  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

thief  !"  If  these  sentiments  are  sinful,  and  for  ex 
pressing  them  we  are  a  candidate  for  fire  and  brim 
stone,  it  is  all  right,  and  the  devil  can  stoke  up  and 
make  up  our  bunk  when  he  hears  that  we  are  on  the 
through  train. 

It  seems  now — though  we  may  change  our  mind 
the  first  day  at  the  fire — as  th'ough  we  had  rather 
be  in  hades  with  a  hundred  million  people  who  have 
always  done  the  square  thing,  than  to  be  in  any 
heaven  that  will  pass  a  man  in  who  has  starved  the 
poor  and  paid  ten  thousand  dollars  to  catch  a  dog- 
thief.  We  could  have  a  confounded  sight  better 
time,  even  if  we  had  our  ulster  all  burned  off.  It 
would  be  worth  the  price  of  admission  to  stand  with 
our  back  to  the  fire,  and  as  we  began  to  smell  wool 
en  burning  near  the  pistol  pocket,  to  make  up  faces 
at  the  ten-thousand-dollar-dog  millionaires  that  were 
putting  on  style  at  the  other  place. 


ANDREWS'  Bazar  says:  "  Gathered  waists  are 
very  much  worn." 

If  the  men  would  gather  the  waists  carefully  and 
not  squeeze  so  like  blazes,  they  would  not  be  worn 
so  much.  Some  men  go  to  work  gathering  a  waist 
just  as  they  would  go  to  work  washing  sheep,  or 
raking  and  binding.  They  ought  to  gather  as 
though  it  was  eggs  done  up  in  a  funnel-shaped 
brown  paper  at  a  grocery. 


THE  Black  River  Falls  Independent  says  :  "If  you 
have  any  old  pants  to  give  to  the  poor,  take  or  send 
them  to  the  Ladies'  Relief  Society." 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  61 

Well,  we  have  got  plenty  of  them  ;  but,  bless  you, 
we  doubt  if  any  member  of  the  Ladies'  Belief  Soci 
ety  could  wear  them.  They  don't  hook  up. 

AETHUB  WILL  KEEP  A  COW. 

IT  is  announced  by  telegraph  from  Washing 
ton  that  Gen.  Arthur  will  keep  a  cow  at  the  White 
House  during  his  term,  to  furnish  milk  for  the 
family,  rather  than  be  obliged  to  depend  upon  a 
milk  man  who  is  in  the  habit  of  selling  a  mixed 
drink,  though  the  customers  prefer  to  take  it 
straight.  There  is  nothing  that  will  do  more  to  con 
vince  people  of  the  true  simplicity  of  a  President 
than  for  him  to  keep  a  cow.  No  man  who  habitu 
ally  associates  with  a  cow,  and  stirs  up  a  bran  mash, 
and  watches  her  plow  her  nose  down  to  the  bottom 
in  search  of  a  potato  paring,  can  be  wholly  bad.  If 
the  President  selects  a  good,  honest  cow  we  have  no 
fears  that  he  will  be  a  tyrant  in  his  administration 
of  affairs.  A  man  is  very  apt  to  absorb  many  of 
the  characteristics  and  traits  of  the  cow  that  he 
milks.  If  she  is  a  good  natured,  honest,  law  abid 
ing  cow,  that  "hoists"  at  the  word  of  command, 
stands  firm  and  immovable  while  being  milked,  and 
"gives  down"  freely,  "so  that  the  fingers  are  not 
cramped,  and  she  does  not  switch  her  tail  in  the  face 
of  the  milker,  the  man  will  be  a  good  natured,  gen 
erous,  honest  man,  but  if  the  cow  is  one  of  those 
communists,  and  has  to  be  tied  to  the  manger,  and 
you  have  to  hold  one  leg  to  keep  her  from  kicking 
over  the  pail,  and  she  tries  to  run  a  horn  into  you, 
and  keeps  stepping  around,  and  her  tail  knocks 
your  hat  off  and  gets  in  your  eyes,  and  your  nerves 


62  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

are  unstrung  for  fear  she  is  thinking^  of  some  devil 
try  to  play  on  you,  the  man  whose  duty  it  is  to  draw 
the  milk  from  her  udder  will  become  harsh,  suspi 
cious,  cruel,  tricky,  and  mean;  and  he  will  grind  the 
face  of  the  poor. 

The  country  will  hope  that  Mr.  Arthur,  in  select 
ing  a  cow,  will  use  more  judgment  than  in  selecting 
a  cabinet,  and  will  bring  his  great  mind  to  bear  on 
the  subject  as  though  he  appreciated  the  situation. 
We  trust  he  will  not  buy  a  cow  of  a  democrat. 
There  may  be  good  cows  owned  by  democrats,  but 
they  are  not  for  sale,  and  a  democrat  would  sell  him 
a  kicking  cow  that  was  farrow,  just  to  injure  his 
administration.  Let  him  go  to  some  friend  in  his 
own  party,  some  man  who  is  interested  in  the  suc 
cess  of  his  administration,  and  state  his  case,  and  if 
possible  get  a  cow  on  trial. 

This  policy  is  wise  from  the  fact  that  he  could 
thus  see  if  the  cow  was  going  to  hold  out  as  a  good 
milker.  Some  cows  give  a  good  mess  of  milk  when 
they  first  go  to  a  new  place,  but  in  a  week  they  let 
down  and  the  first  thing  you  know  they  dry  up  en 
tirely.  Mr.  Arthur  wants  to  look  out  for  this.  The 
country  is  full  of  bold,  bad  men,  who  would  palm  off 
a  kicking  cow,  or  one  that  was  not  a  stayer,  onto 
their  best  friends. 

Another  thing,  we  would  advise  Mr.  Arthur  not 
to  use  a  milking  stool  with  one  leg,  but  to  get  one 
with  three  legs.  It  is  undignified  in  any  man  to 
stretch  out  on  a  barn  floor,  with  a  one-legged  milk 
stpol  kicking  him  in  the  pistol  pocket,  a  pail  of  milk 
distributing  itself  over  his  person,  and  a  frightened 
cow  backed  up  in  a  stall  threatening  to  hook  his 
daylights  out,  and  it  would  be  more  undignified  in 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


a  President  of  the  United  States.  Get  a  three-legged 
stool,  by  all  means,  or  use  an  empty  soap  box  to  sit 
on. 

If  all  this  unsolicited  but  well  meant  advice  is 
taken,   the    country   will    be    in   no    danger    from 
Arthur's  decision  to  keep  a  cow,  and  we  shall  hope 
to  see  him  on  some  fine  morning  next  summer,  as- 
the   sun  is    tinging  the  eastern    horizon  with    its 


golden  beams,  and  the 
songs  of  birds  Afloat  over 
the  Capitol  at  Washing 
ton — driving  his  cow  to 
pasture  down  by  the 
Potomac,  singing  mer- 


ARTHUR'S   COW. 

rily  as  he  slaps  her  on  the  rump  with  a  piece  of  bar 
rel  stave,  or  we  will  accept  an  invitation  to  visit  his 
barn  and  show  him  how  to  mix  a  bran  mash  that 
will  wake  to  ecstacy  the  aforesaid  cow,  and  cause 
her  milk  to  flow  like  back  pay  from  the  treasury, 


64  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

When  it  comes  to  cows  we  deserve  a  cabinet  posi 
tion. 

SHALL  THERE  BE  HUGGING  IN  THE  PARKS  ? 

THE  law-abiding  people  of  this  community  were 
startled  on  Tuesday,  and  the  greatest  indignation 
prevailed  at  an  editorial  article  in  the  Sentinel  de 
nouncing  the  practice  of  hugging  in  the  public 
parks.  The  article  went  on  to  show  that  the  placing 
of  seats  in  the  parks  leads  to  hugging,  and  the  edit 
or  denounced  hugging  in  the  most  insane  manner 
possible! 

The  Sun  does  not  desire  to  enter  politics,  but  when 
a  great  constitutional  question  like  this  comes  up,  it 
will  be  found  on  the  side  of  the  weak  against  the 
strong. 

The  Sentinel  advises  the  removal  of  the  seats  from 
the  park  because  hugging  is  done  on  them.  Great 
heavens  !  has  it  come  to  this  ?  Are  the  dearest 
rights  of  the  American  citizen  to  be  abridged  in  this 
summary  manner  ?  Let  us  call  the  attention  of  that 
powerful  paper  to  a  clause  in  the  Declaration  of  In 
dependence,  which  asserts  that  "all  men  are  created 
free  and  equal,  endowed  with  certain  inalienable 
rights,  among  which  are  life,  liberty,  and  the  pur 
suit  of  happiness."  When  the  framers  of  that  great 
Declaration  of  Independence  were  at  work  on  that 
clause,  they  must  have  had  in  view  the  pastime  of 
hugging  in  the  parks. 

Hugging  is  certainly  a  "pursuit  of  happiness." 
People  do  not  hug  for  wages — that  is,  except  on  the 
stage.  Nobody  is  obliged  to  hug.  It  is  a  sort  of 
spontaneous  combustion,  as  it  were,  of  the  feelings, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  65 

and  has  to  have  proper  conditions  of  the  atmosphere 
to  make  it  a  success.  Parties  who  object  to  hug 
ging  are  old,  usually,  and  have  been  satiated,  and 
are  like  a  lemon  that  has  done  duty  in  circus  lem 
onade.  If  they  had  a  job  of  hugging,  they  would 
want  to  hire  a  man  to  do  it  for  them. 

A  man  who  objects  to  a  little  natural,  soul-inspir 
ing  hugging  on  a  back  seat  in  a  park,  of  an  even 
ing,  with  a  fountain  throwing  water  all  over  little 
cast-iron  cupids,  has  probably  got  a  soul,  but  he 
hasn't  got  it  with  him.  To  the  student  of  nature 
there  is  no  sight  more  beautiful  than  to  see  a  flock 
of  young  people  take  seats  in  the  park,  after  the 
sun  has  gone  to  bed  in  the  west,  and  the  moon  has 
pulled  a  fleecy  cloud  over  her  face  for  a  veil,  so  as 
not  to  disturb  the  worshipers. 

A  couple,  one  a  male  and  the  other  a  female,  will 
sit  far  apart  on  the  cast-iron  seat  for  a  moment, 
when  the  young  lady  will  try  to  fix  her  cloak  over 
her  shoulders,  and  she  can't  fix  it,  and  then  the 
young  man  will  help  her,  and  when  he  has  got  it 
fixed  he  will  go  off  and  leave  one  arm  around  the 
small  of  her  back.  He  will  miss  his  arm,  and  won 
der  where  he  left  it,  and  go  back  after  it,  and  in  the 
dark  he  will  feel  around  with  the  other  hand  to  find 
the  hand  he  left,  and  suddenly  the  two  hands  will 
meet ;  they  will  express  astonishment,  and  clasp 
each  other,  and  be  so  glad  that  they  will  begin  to 
squeeze,  and  the  chances  are  that  they  will  cut  the 
girl  in  two,  but  they  never  do.  Under  such  circum 
stances,  a  girl  can  exist  on  less  atmosphere  than  she 
can  when  doing  a  washing. 

There  is  just  about  so  much  hugging  that  has  to 
be  done,  and  the  Sentinel  should  remember  that  very 


66  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

many  people  have  not  facilities  at  their  homes  for 
such  soul-stirring  work,  and  they  are  obliged  to  flee 
to  the  parks,  or  to  the  woods,  where  the  beneficent 
city  government  has  provided  all  of  the  modern  im 
provements. 

Hugging  is  as  necessary  to  the  youth  of  the  land 
as  medicine  to  the  sick,  and  instead  of  old  persons, 
whose  days  of  kittenhood  are  over,  throwing  cold 
water  upon  the  science  of  hugging,  they  should  en 
courage  it  by  all  legitimate  means. 

When,  in  strolling  through  the  parks,  you  run  on 
to  a  case  of  sporadic  hugging,  instead  of  making  a 
noise  on  the  gravel  walk,  to  cause  the  huggists  to 
stop  it,  you  should  trace  your  steps  noiselessly,  get 
behind  a  tree,  and  see  how  long  they  can  stand  it 
without  dying.  Instead  of  removing  the  cast-iron 
seats  from  the  parks,  we  should  be  in  favor  of  fur 
nishing  reserved  seats  for  old  people,  so  they  can  sit 
and  watch  the  hugging. 

It  doesn't  do  any  hurt  to  hug. 

People  think  it  is  unhealthy,  but  nobody  was  ever 
known  to  catch  cold  while  hugging.  It  is  claimed 
by  some  that  young  people  who  stay  out  nights  and 
hug,  are  not  good  for  anything  the  next  day.  There 
is  something  to  this,  but  if  they  didn't  get  any  hug 
ging  they  wouldn't  be  worth  a  cent  any  time.  They 
would  be  all  the  time  looking  for  it. 

No,  good  Mr.  Sentinel,  on  behalf  of  fifty  thousand 
young  people  who  have  no  organ  to  make  known 
their  wants,  we  ask  you  to  stay  your  hand,  and  do 
not  cause  the  seats  to  be  removed  from  the  parks. 
Remember  how  many  there  are  who  have  yet  to 
learn  the  noble  art  of  hugging,  and  give  them  a 
chance. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  6? 

THE  BOB-TAILED  BADGER. 

THE  last  legislature,  having  nothin'g  else  to  do, 
passed  a  law  providing  for  a  change  in  the  coat-of- 
arms  of  the  State.  There  was  no  change,  particu 
larly,  except  fo  move  the  plows  and  shovels  around 
a  little,  put  on  a  few  more  bars  of  pig  lead,  put  a 
new  fashioned  necktie  on  the  sailor  who  holds  the 
rope,  the  emblem  of  lynch  law,  tuck  the  miner's 
breeches  into  his  boots  a  little  further,  and  ampu 
tate  the  tail  of  the  badger.  We  do  not  care  for  the 
other  changes,  as  they  were  only  intended  to  give 
the  engraver  a  job,  but  when  an  irresponsible  legis 
lature  amputates  the  tail  of  the  badger,  the  emblem 
of  the  democratic  party,  that  crawls  into  a  hole  and 
pulls  the  hole  in  after  him,  it  touches  us  in  our  pa 
triotism. 

The  badger,  as  nature  made  him,  is  a  noble  bird, 
and  though  he  resembles  a  skunk  too  much  to  be 
very  proud  of,  they  had  no  right  to  cut  off  his  tail 
and  stick  it  up  like  a  sore  thumb.  As  it  is  now  the 
new  comer  to  our  Garden  of  Eden  will  not  know^ 
whether  our  emblem  is  a  Scotch  terrier  smelling  in 
to  the  archives  of  the  State  for  a  rat,  or  a  defalca 
tion,  or  a  sic  semper  Americanus  scuncli.  We  do  not 
complain  that  the  sailor  with  the  Pinafore  shirt  on, 
on  the  new  coat-of-arms,  is  made  to  resemble  Sena 
tor  Cameron,  or  that  the  miner  looks  like  Senator 
Sawyer.  These  things  are  of  minor  importance,  but 
the  docking  of  that-  badger's  tail,  and  setting  it  up 
like  a  bob-tail  horse,  is  an  outrage  upon  every  citi 
zen  of  the  State,  and  when  the  democrats  get  into 
power  that  tail  shall  be  restored  to  its  normal  condi 
tion  if  it  takes  all  the  blood  and  treasure  in  the  State, 


6S  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

and  this  work  of  the  republican  incendiaries  shall 
be  undone.  The  idea  of  Wisconsin  appearing  among 
the  galaxy  of  States  with  a  bob-tailed  badger  is  re 
pugnant  to  all  our  finer  feelings. 

CANNIBALS  AND  COBK  L^GS. 

GREAT  results  are  expected  from  an  experiment 
recently  tried  by  the  American  Missionary  Society. 
Last  fall  they  sent  as  missionary  to  the  cannibal 
Islands  a  brother  who  had  lost  both  arms  and  both 
legs  in  a  railroad  accident.  He  was  provided  with 
cork  limbs,  and  his  voice  being  in  good  condition  it 
was  believed  he  could  get  in  his  work  with  the 
heathen  as  well  as  though  he  was  a  whole  man. 
The  idea  was  to  allow  the  cannibals  to  kill  him  and 
eat  him,  believing  that  the  heathen  would  see  the 
error  of  their  ways  and  swear  off  on  human  flesh. 

A  report  has  been  received  which  is  very  encour 
aging.  It  seems  that  the  cannibals  killed  the  good 
missionary,  and  cut  off  his  arms  and  legs  for  a  sort 
of  stew,  or  "boyaw,"thus  falling  directly  into  the 
trap  set  for  them  by  the  missionary  society.  The 
missionary  stationed  at  the  next  town,  who  fur 
nishes  the  society  with  the  data,  says  it  was  the 
most  laughable  thing  he  ever  witnessed,  to  see  the 
heathen  chew  on  those  cork  limbs.  They  boiled 
them  all  day  and  night,  keeping  up  a  sort  of  a  go- 
as-you-please  walk  around,  or  fresh  meat  dance, 
and  giving  a  sacred  concert  about  like  our  national 
4>  Whoop  it  up,  Liza  Jane,"  and  when  they  stuck  a 
fork  into  the  boiling  limbs,  and  found  that  the 
"meat"  seemed  water  soaked,  they  set  the  table  and 
sounded  the  loud  timbrel  for  breakfast. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  69 

The  surviving  missionary  says  he  shall  never  for 
get  the  look  of  pain  on  the  face  of  a  buck  cannibal 
as  he  bit  into  the  elbow  joint  of  the  late  lamented 
and  struck  a  brass  hinge.  He  picked  it  out  as  an 
American  would  pick  a  buckshot  out  of  a  piece  of 
venison,  and  laid  it  beside  his  plate  in  an  abstracted 
manner,  and  began  to  chew  on  the  cork  elbow.  Any 
person  who  has  ever  tried  to  draw  a  cork  out  of  a 
beer  bottle  with  his  teeth  can  realize  the  feelings  of 
these  cannibals  as  they  tried  to  draw  sustenance 
from  the  remains  of  the  cork  man.  They  were  sad 
dened,  and  it  is  safe  to  say  they  are  incensed  against 
the  missionary  society. 

Whether  they  will  conclude  that  all  Americans 
have  become  tough,  and  quit  trying  to  masticate 
them,  is  not  known,  though  that  is  the  object  sought 
to  be  attained  by  the  society.  One  of  the  cannibals 
said  he  knew,  when  those  legs  and  arms  would  not 
stay  under  water  when  they  were  boiling,  and  had 
to  be  loaded  down  with  stones,  that  the  meat  wasn't 
right,  but  his  wife  told  him  "  some  pork  would  bile 
so." 

The  experiment  is  worth  following  up,  and  we 
suppose  hereafter  there  will  be  a  great  demand  for 
men  with  cork  arms  and  legs  to  be  sent  as  mission 
aries.  After  a  few  such  experiences  the  cannibals 
may  see  the  error  of  their  ways  and  become  Christ 
ians,  and  eat  dog  sausage  and  Limberg  cheese. 

THE    MINISTERIAL    PUGILISTS. 

THOSE  who  read  the  account  of  the  trial  of  Rev. 
Carhart,  at  Oshkosh,  are  about  as  sick  of  true  good 
ness  as  men  can  be.  They  open  the  ecclesiastical 


70  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

court  by  singing  "A  charge  to  keep  I  have,"  and 
then  Brother  Haddock,  after  a  prayer  has  been  de 
livered,  does  not  keep  his  charges,-  but  fires  them  at 
the  presiding  elder.  Good  old  tunes  are  sung  pre 
vious  to  calling  witnesses  to  testify  to  all'eged  three 
carde  monte  acts  of  a  disciple  of  Christ.  Sanctimo 
nious  looking  men  pray  for  divine  guidance,  and 
then  try  to  prove  that  a  dear  brother  has  bilked  an 
other  dear  brother  out  of  several  hundred  dollars  on 
Texas  lands,  and  that  he  tried  to  trade  a  wagon  at 
double  what  it  is  worth  to  settle  the  matter. 

They  sing,  "  Take  me  just  as  I  am,"  and  then  try 
to  prove  that  the  one  who  made  charges  against  the 
other  is  not  altogether  holy,  because  he  is  alleged  to 
have  confessed  to  passing  the  night  in  a  room  with 
a  female  church  member,  in  silent  devotion,  when 
he  swears  it  is  a  lie, — that  he  only  laid  on  a  lounge. 

Prominent  Methodists  collect  at  the  bull-fight  in 
Oshkosh,  take  sides  with  one  or  the  other,  and  lay 
their  bottom  prayer  that  their  champion  will  come 
out  on  top,  with  not  a  stripe  polluted  nor  a  star 
erased. 

One  side  sings,  "Jesus  caught  me  when  a  stran 
ger,"  and  the  other  side  smiles  and  winks  and  whis 
pers  that  they  are  glad  he  was  caught. 

They  sing,  "Rock  of  ages,  cleft  for  me,"  and  pro 
ceed  to  cleave  the  rock  of  each  other's  character. 
They  cast  one  eye  heavenward  in  prayer,  while  with 
the  other  they  watch  the  other  side  to  see  that  they 
don't  steal  the  testimony. 

Some  one  starts  "Little  drops  of  water,"  and  big 
drops  of  perspiration  appear  on  truly  good  foreheads 
for  fear  proof  will  be  adduced  to  show  that  money 
has  been  obtained  under  false  pretenses. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  71 

And  this  goes  by  the  name  of  religion  ! 

There  should  be  honor  among  ministers.  Both  of 
the  principals  in  this  suit  should  be  bounced.  If  the 
charges  are  true,  Carhart  should  emigrate.  If  they 
are  not  true,  Haddock  should  emigrate. 

MUSIC  ON  THE  WATERS. 

OUR  readers  have  no  doubt  noticed  in  the  papers 
that  the  Goodrich  Transportation  Company  had  se 
cured  a  band  from  Waupun  to  make  music  on  the 
boats  of  that  line  between  Milwaukee  and  Chicago 
this  summer.  Well,  there  is  trouble  going  on  in  con 
sequence.  Mr.  Hurson,  of  the  Goodrich  line,  en 
trusted  the  organization  of  the  Lband  to  Mr.  Nick 
Jarvis,  of  Waupun,  a  gentleman  whose  reputation 
as  a  scientific  pounder  of  the  bass  drum  has  received 
encomiums  from  the  crowned  heads  of  Oshkosh  and 
Hazen's  cheese  factory. 

Having  such  confidence  in  Mr.  Jarvis,  Mr.  Hur 
son  gave  him  a  roving  commission,  with  authority 
to  secure  the  best  talent  in  the  known  world.  He 
organized  the  band,  and  then  it  occurred  to  Mr.  Jar- 
vis  that  the  musicians  had  always  been  accustomed 
to  playing  on  land,  and  they  might  be  sick  on  the 
water,  so  he  took  measures  to  accustom  them  to  a 
sea-faring  life  before  Jeaving  Waupun.  He  got 
them  to  practicing  in  a  building,  and  hired  some 
boys  to  throw  water  up  on  the  side  of  the  house,  to 
see  if  they  would  be  seasick.  The  band  fellows 
would  have  stood  the  sea  first-rate,  -only  the  villains 
who  had  been  hired  to  throw  the  water  used  a  lot  of 
dirty  stuff  they  found  back  of  a  hotel,  which  smelled 
powerful. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


A  number  of  the  band  members  felt  the  swash  of 
the  waves  against  the  bulwarks  of  the  house,  and 
smelled  what  they  supposed  to  be  salt  sea  air,  and 
they  leaned  out  of  the  windows  and  wanted  to  throw 
up  their  situations,  but  a  German  in  the  party  had 
a  lemon  and  some  cheese,  which  was  given  around 
to  taste  and  smell,  and  they  came  out  of  it  all  right. 


MTJSIC    ON    THE    WATERS. 


Mr.  Jarvis'  next  idea,  to  accustom  the  prairie 
sailors  to  the  vasty  deep,  was  to  take  them  out  on 
the  mill  pond  at  Waupun  in  a  skiff.  They  got  out 
in  the  middle  of  the  pond,  and  were  playing  a  selec 
tion  from  the  opera  of  "Solid  Muldoon,"  when  a  boy 
who  had  slipped  into  the  boat  with  a  fish-pole,  got  a 
bite  from  a  bull-head,  which  caused  the  vessel  to 
roll,  and  the  utmost  confusion  prevailed.  Ordering 


73 

the  snare  drum  player  to  "cut  away  the  main  bob- 
stay,  and  belay  the  cornet,"  Mr.  Jarvistook  the  bass 
drum  between  his  teeth  and  jumped  overboard,  fol 
lowed  by  the  band,  and  they  waded  ashore. 

On  Monday  last  the  band  arrived  in  Milwaukee 
and  reported  on  board  the  Goodrich  steamer,  in  the 
river,  ready  for  business.  They  were  told  to  go  as 
they  pleased  until  evening,  when  they  would  be  ex 
pected  to  play  before  the  boat  started,  and  also  on 
the  trip  to  Chicago.  The  men  sat  around  on  deck 
all  the  afternoon,  and  smelled  of  the  river.  It 
smelled  different  from  any  salt  water  they  ever 
snuffed,  and  they  wanted  to  go  home. 

At  seven  o'clock  the  band  played  a  few  tunes  as 
the  boat  lay  in  the  river,  and  finally  she  let  go  her 
ropes  and  steamed  down  toward  the  lake,  the  band 
whooping  it  up  to  the  "  Blue  Danube."  As  the  boat 
struck  blue  water,  and  her  bow  raised  out  about  six 
teen  feet  and  began  to  jump,  the  cornet  player 
stopped  to  pour  water  out  of  his  horn,  and  lean 
against  a  post.  He  was  as  pale  as  death,  and  the 
tuba  player  stopped  to  see  what  ailed  the  cornet 
player,  and  to  lean  over  the  railing  to  see  a  man 
down  stairs.  The  baritone  had  eaten  something  that 
did  not  agree  with  him,  and  he  stopped  playing  and 
laid  down  in  a  life  boat,  the  alto  became  cold  around 
the  extremities  and  quit  playing  and  went  to  the 
smoke  stack  to  warm  himself,  the  b-flat  began  to 
perspire  and  quit  playing  and  fanned  himself  with 
the  cymbals,  and  all  of  the  horn  blowers  were  e-flat 
and  b-flat  on  the  deck  in  less  than  two  minutes. 

The  captain  noticed  that  there  was  some  discrep 
ancy  in  the  music  and  came  on  deck  to  see  about  it. 
Wading  through  the  brass  horns  he  came  up  to 


74  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

where  the  band  had  been,  and  found  Nick  Jarvis 
beating  blazes  out  of  the  bass  drum  and  Harve  Hill 
carving  the  Blue  Danube  out  of  the  snare  drum,  and 
that  was  all  the  music  there  was.  The  captain  asked 
Jarvis  what  kind  of  a  riot  that  was,  and  he  told  him 
it  was  the  best  they  could  do  under  the  circum 
stances. 

Restoratives  were  applied  to  the  members,  and 
they  braced  up  enough  to  start  in  on  "Rocked  in  the 
Cradle  of  the  Deep,"  but  they  couldn't  play  it 
through,  owing  to  dyspepsia.  The  captain  got  them 
into  the  cabin  to  play  for  the  young  folks  to  dance, 
but  the  only  thing  they  could  play  without  getting 
sick  was  "Home  Again,  from  a  Foreign  Shore,"  and 
the.  bass  drum  had  to  do  it  all.  The  horn  blowers 
were  out  looking  at  the  starlight,  leaning  over  the 
railing,  as  the  stars  were  reflected  in  the  water. 

At  Racine  •  it  took  some  time  to  load,  owing  to 
rough  water,  and  in  the  midst  of  it  all  a  pale  man, 
with  a  snare  drum  on  his  arm,  rolled  up  against  the 
captain.  It  was  Harve  Hill.  He  held  his  hand  over 
his  mouth  and  in  a  voice  choked  with  emotion  and 
fried  potatoes  he  said: 

"  Captain,  I  am  a  poor  man,  but  if  you  will  land 
this  boat  and  save  me,  I  will  give  you  nine  dollars  " 

The  captain  decided  to  dispense  with  the  music 
the  rest  of  the  night,  and  let  the  band  get  on  its  sea 
legs. 

At  Chicago,  the  next  morning,  Jarvis,  who  had 
got  a  little  sick,  too,  tried  to  induce  the  captain  to 
allow  the  band  to  walk  back  to  Milwaukee  on  the 
shore,  beside  the  boat.  He  said  they  could  play  any 
tune  that  ever  was  played,  on  land,  and  the  passen 
gers  could  hear  it  just  as  well,  if  the  boat  kept 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  75 

alongside  of  the  band.  The  captain  wouldn't  let 
them  off,  and  they  have  been  kept  on  the  boat  all 
the  week,  so  that  now  they  are  old  sailors,  and  can 
play  all  right.  But  it  was  pretty  tough  the  first 
night.  Waupun  is  organizing  a  reception  for  the 
band  when  it  comes  home. 

WOMAN -DOZING    A    DEMOCRAT. 

A  FEARFUL  ,tale  comes  to  us  from  Columbus.  A 
party  of  prominent  citizens  of  that  place  took  a  trip 
to  the  Dells  of  Wisconsin  one  day  last  week.  It  was 
composed  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  of  both  political 
parties,  and  it  was  hoped  that  nothing  would  occur 
to  mar  the  pleasure  of  the  excursion. 

When  the  party  visited  the  Dells,  Mr.  Chapin,  a 
lawyer  of  Democratic  proclivities,  went  out  upon  a 
rock  overhanging  a  precipice,  or  words  to  that 
effect,  and  he  became  so  absorbed  in  the  beauty  of 
the  scene  that  he  did  not  notice  a  Republican  lady 
who  left  the  throng  and  waltzed  softly  up  behind 
him.  She  had  blood  in  her  eye  and  gum  in  her 
mouth,  and  she  grasped  the  lawyer,  who  is  a  weak 
man,  by  the  arms,  and  hissed  in  his  ear : 

"Hurrah  for  Garfield,  or  I  will  plunge  you  head 
long  into  the  yawning  gulf  below  !" 

It  was  a  trying  moment.  Chapin  rather  enjoyed 
being  held  by  a  woman,  but  not  in  such  a  position 
that,  if  she  let  go  her  hold  to  spit  on  her  hands,  he 
would  go  a  hundred  feet  down,  and  become  as  flat 
as  the  Greenback  party,  and  have  to  be  carried 
home  in  a  basket. 

In  a  second  he  thought  over  all  the  sins  of  his  past 
life,  which  was  pretty  quick  work,  as  anybody  will 


76  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

admit  who  knows  the  man.  He  thought  of  how  he 
would  be  looked  down  upon  by  Gabe  Bouck,  and  all 
the  fellows,  if  it  once  got  out  that  he  had  been  fright 
ened  into  going  back  on  his  party. 

He  made  up  his  mind  that  he  would  die  before  he 
would  hurrah  for  Garfield,  but  when  the  merciless 
woman  pushed  him  towards  the  edge  of  the  rock, 
and  said,  "Last  call!  Yell,  or  down  you  go  !"  he 
opened  his  mouth  and  yelled  so  they  heard  it  in  Kil- 
bourn  City : 

"  Hurrah  for  Garfield  !    Now  lemme  go !" 

Though  endowed  with  more  than  ordinary  elo 
quence,  no  remarks  that  he  had  ever  made  before 
brought  the  applause  that  this  did.  Everybody 
yelled,  and  the  woman  smiled  as  pleasantly  as 
though  she  had  not  crushed  the  young  life  out  of 
her  victim,  and  left  him  a  bleeding  sacrifice  on  the 
altar  of  his  country,  birt  when  she  had  realized  what 
she  had  done  her  heart  smote  her,  and  she  felt  bad. 

Chapin  will  never  be  himself  again.  From  that 
moment  his  proud  spirit  was  broken,  and  all  during 
the  picnic  he  seemed  to  have  lost  his  cud.  He  leaned 
listlessly  against  a  tree,  pale  as  death,  and  fanned 
himself  with  a  skimmer.  When  the  party  had 
spread  the  lunch  on  the  ground  and  gathered  around, 
sitting  on  the  ant-hills,  he  sat  down  with  them  me 
chanically,  but  his  appetite  was  gone,  and  when 
that  is  gone  there  is  not  enough  of  him  left  for  a 
quorum. 

Friends  rallied  around  him,  passed  the  pickles, 
and  drove  the  antmires  out  of  a  sandwich,  and 
handed  it  to  him  on  a  piece  of  shingle,  but  he  either 
passed  or  turned  it  down.  He  said  he  couldn't  take 
a  trick.  Later  on,  when  the  lemonade  was  brought 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  77 

on,  the  flies  were  skimmed  off  of  some  of  it,  and  a 
little  colored  water  was  put  in  to  make  it  look  invit 
ing,  but  his  eyes  were  sot.  He  said  they  couldn't 
fool  him.  After  what  had  occurred,  he  didn't  feel 
as  though  any  Democrat  was  safe.  He  expected  to 
be  poisoned  on  account  of  his  politics,  and  all  he 
asked  was  to  live  to  get  home. 

Nothing  was  left  undone  to  rally  him,  and  cause 
him  to  forget  the  fearful  scene  through  which  he 
had  passed.  Only  once  did  he  partially  come  to 
himself,  and  show  an  interest  in  worldly  affairs,  and 
that  was  when  it  was  found  that  he  had  sat  down 
on  some  raspberry  jam  with  his  white  pants  on. 
When  told  of  it,  he  smiled  a  ghastly  smile,  and  said 
they  were  all  welcome  to  his  share  of  the  jam. 

They  tried  to  interest  him  in  conversation  by 
drawing  war  maps  with  three-tined  forks  on  the 
jam,  but  lie  never  showed  that  he  knew  what  they 
were  about  until  Mr.  Moak,  of  Watertown,  took  a 
brush,  made  of  cauliflower  preserved  in  mustard, 
and  shaded  the  lines  of  the  war  map  on  Mr.  Cha- 
pin's  trousers,  which  Mr.  Butterfield  had  drawn  in 
the  jam.  Then  his  artistic  eye  took  in  the  incon 
gruity  of  the  colors,  and  he  gasped  for  breath,  and 
said  : 

"Moak,  that  is  played  out.    People  will  notice  it." 

But  he  relapsed  again  into  semi-unconsciousness, 
and  never  spoke  again,  not  a  great  deal,  till  he  got 
home. 

He  has  ordered  that  there  be  no  more  borrowing 
of  sugar  and  drawings  of  tea  back  and  forth  be 
tween  his  house  and  that  of  the  lady  who  broke  his 
heart,  and  he  has  announced  that  he  will  go  with 
out  saurkraut  all  winter  rather  than  borrow  a  ma- 


78 

chine  for  cutting  cabbage  of  a  woman  that  would 
destroy  the  political  prospects  of  a  man  who  had 
never  done  a  wrong  in  his  life. 

He  has  written  to  the  chairman  of  the  Democratic 
State  Central  Committee  to  suspend  judgment  011 
his  case,  until  he  can  explain  how  it  happened  that 
a  dyed-in-the-wool  Democrat  hurrahed  for  Garfield. 

A  LIVELY  TRAIN  LOAD. 

LAST  week  a  train  load  of  insane  persons  were  re 
moved  from  the  Oshkosh  Asylum  to  the  Madison 
Asylum.  As  the  train  was  standing  on  the  sidetrack 
at  Watertown  Junction  it  created  considerable  curi 
osity.  People  who  have  ever  passed  Watertown 
Junction  have  noticed  the  fine  old  gentleman  who 
comes  into  the  car  with  a  large  square  basket,  ped 
dling  popcorn.  He  is  one  of  the  most  innocent  and 
confiding  men  in  the  world.  He  is  honest,  and  he 
believes  that  everybody  else  is  honest. 

He  came  up  to  the  depot  with  his  basket,  and  see 
ing  the  train  he.  asked  Pierce,  the  landlord  there, 
what  train  it  was.  Pierce,  who  is  a  most  diabolical 
person,  told  the  old  gentleman  that  it  was  a  load  of 
members  of  the  legislature  and  female  lobbyists  go 
ing  to  Madison.  With  that  beautiful  confidence 
which  the  pop  corn  man  has  in  all  persons,  he  be 
lieved  the  story,  and  went  in  the  car  to  sell  pop 
corn. 

Stopping  at  the  first  seat,  where  a  middle-aged 
lady  was  sitting  alone,  the  pop  corn  man  passed  out 
his  basket  and  said,  "fresh  pop  corn."  The  lady 
took  her  foot  down  off  the  stove,  looked  at  the  man 
a  moment  with  eyes  glaring  and  wild,  and  said,  "It 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  79 

is— no,  it  cannot  be — and  yet  it  is  me  long  lost  Duke 
of  Oshkosh,"  and  she  grabbed  the  old  man  by  the 
necktie  with  one  hand  and  pulled  him  down  into  the 
seat,  and  began  to  mow  away  corn  into  her  mouth. 
The  pop  corn  man  blushed,  looked  at  the  rest  of  the 
passengers  to  see  if  they  were  looking,  and  said,  as 
he  replaced  the  necktie  knot  from  under  his  left  ear 
and  pushed  his  collar  down,  ''Madame,  you  are  mis 
taken.  I  have  never  been  a  duke  in  Oshkosh.  I  live 
here  at  the  Junction."  The  woman  looked  at  him 
as  though  she  doubted  his  statement,  but  let  him 
go. 

He  proceeded  to  the  next  seat,  when  a  serious 
looking  man  rose  up  and  bowed;  the  pop  corn  man 
also  bowed  and  smiled  as  though  he  might  have  met 
him  before.  Taking  a  paper  of  pop  corn  and  putting 
it  in  his  coat  tail  pocket,  the  serious  man  said,  "I 
was  honestly  elected  President  of  the  United  States 
in  1876,  but  was  counted  Out  by  the  vilest  conspiracy 
that  ever  was  concocted  on  the  earth,  and  I  believe 
you  are  one  of  the  conspirators,"  and  he  spit  on  his 
hands  and  looked  the  pop  corn  man  in  the  eye.  The 
pop  corn  man  said  he  never  took  any  active  part  in 
politics,  and  had  nothing  to  do  with  that  Hayes  busi 
ness  at  all.  Then  the  serious  man  sat  down  and  be 
gan  eating  the  pop  corn,  while  two  women  on  the 
other  side  of  the  car  helped  themselves  to  the  corn 
in  the  basket. 

The  pop  corn  man  held  out  his  hand  for  the  money, 
when  a  man  two  seats  back  came  forward  and  shook 
hands  with  him,  saying:  "They  told  me  you  would 
not  come,  but  you  have-  come,  Daniel,  and  now  we 
will  fight  it  out.  •  I  will  take  this  razor,  and  you  can 
arm  yourself  at  your  leisure."  The  man  reached 


80  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

into  an  inside  pocket  of  his  coat,  evidently  for  a 
razor,  when  the  pop  corn  man  started  for  the  door, 
his  eyes  sticking  out  two  inches.  Every  person  he 
passed  took  a  paper  of  pop  corn,  one  man  grabbed 
his  coat  and  tore  one  tail  off,  another  took  his  basket 
away  and  as  he  rushed  out  on  the  platform  the 
basket  was  thrown  at  his  head,  and  a  female  voice 
said,  "I  will  be  ready  when  the  carriage  calls  at  8." 

As  the  old  gentleman  struck  the  platform  and  be 
gan  to  arrange  his  toilet  he  met  Fitzgerald,  the  con 
ductor,  who  asked  him  what  was  the  matter.  He 
said  Pierce  told  him  that  crowd  was  <going  to  the 
legislature,  "but,"  says  he,  as  he  picked  some  pieces 
of  paper  collar  out  of  the  back  of  his  neck,  "if  those 
people  are  not  delegates  to  a  democratic  convention, 
then  I  have  been  peddling  pop  corn  on  this  road  ten 
years  for  nothing,  and  don't  know  my  business." 
Fitz  told  him  they  were  patients  going  to  the  Insane 
Asylum. 

The  old  man  thought  it  over  a  moment,  and  then 
he  picked  up  a  coupling  pin  and  went  looking  for 
Pierce.  He  says  he  will  kill  him.  Pierce  has  not 
been  out  of  the  house  since.  This  Pierce  is  the  same 
man  that  lent  us  a  runaway  hor«e  once. 

HOW  SHARPER  THAN  A  HOUND'S  TOOTH. 

YEARS  ago  we  swore  on  a  stack  of  red  chips  that 
we  would  never  own  another  dog.  Six  promising 
pups  that  had  been  presented  to  us,  blooded  setters 
and  pointers,  had  gone  the  way  of  all  dog  flesh, 
with  the  distemper  and  dog  buttons,  and  by  falling 
in  the  cistern,  and  we  had  been  bereaved  via  dog 
misfortunes  as  often  as  John  R.  Bennett,  of  Janes- 


* 

PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  81 

ville,  has  been  bereaved  on  the  nomination  for  at 
torney  general.  We  could  not  look  a  pup  in  the  face 
but  it  would  get  sick,  and  so  we  concluded  never 
again  to  own  a  dog. 

The  vow  has  been  religiously  kept  since.  Men 
have  promised  us  thousands  of  pups,  but  we  have 
never  taken  them.  One  conductor  has  promised  us 
at  least  seventy-five  pups,  but  he  has  always  failed 
to  get  us  to  take  one.  -Dog  lovers  have  set  up  nights 
to  devise  a  way  to  induce  us  to  accept  a  dog.  We 
held  out  firmly  until  last  week.  One  day  we  met 
Pierce,  the  Watertown  Junction  hotel  man,  and  he 
told  us  he  had  a  greyhound  pup  that  was  the  finest 
bread  dog — we  think  he  said  bread  dog,  though  it 
might  have  been  a  sausage  dog  he  said — anyway  he 
told  us  it  was  blooded,  and  that  when  it  grew  up  to 
be  a  man — that  is,  figuratively  speaking — when  it 
grew  up  to  be  a  dog  full  size,  it  would  be  the  hand 
somest  canine  in  the  Northwest. 

We  kicked  on  it,  entirely,  at  first,  but  when  he 
told  us  hundreds  of  men  who  had  seen  the  pup  had 
offered  him  thousands  of  dollars  for  it,  but  that  he 
had  rather  give  it  to  a  friend  than  sell  it  to  a 
stranger,  we  weakened,  and  told  him  to  send  it  in. 

Well — (excuse  us  while  we  go  into  a  corner  and 
mutter  a  silent  remark) — it  came  in  on  the  train 
Monday,  and  was  taken  to  the  barn.  It  is  the  con- 
f  oundedest  looking  dog  that  a  white  man  ever  set  eyes 
on.  It  is  about  the  color  of  putty,  and  about  seven 
feet  long,  though  it  is  only  six  months  old.  The  tail 
is  longer  than  a  whip  lash,  and  when  you  speak 
sassy  to  that  dog,  the  tail  will  begin  to  curl  around 
under  him,  amongst  his  legs,  double  around  over  his 
neck  and  back  over  where  the  tail  originally  was 


82  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

hitched  to  the  dog,  and  then  there  is  tail  enough  left 
for  four  ordinary  dogs. 

It  is  the  longest  tail  we  have  ever  seen  in  one  num 
ber.  If  that  tail  was  cut  up  into  ordinary  tails,  such 
as  common  dogs  wear,  there  would  be  enough  for 
all  the  dogs  in  the  Seventh  ward,  with  enough  left 
for  a  white  wire  clothes  line.  When  he  lays  down 
his  tail  curls  up  like  a  coil  of  telephone  wire,  and  if 
you  take  hold  of  it  and  wring  you  can  hear  the  dog 
at  the  central  office.  If  that  dog  is  as  long  in  pro 
portion,  when  he  gets  his  growth,  and  his  tail  grows 
as  much  as  his  body  does,  the  dog  will  reach  from 
here  to  the  Soldier's  home. 

His  head  is  about  as  big  as  a  graham  gem,  and 
runs  down  to  a  point  not  bigger  than  a  cambric 
needle,  while  his  ears  are  about  as  big  as  a  thumb  to 
a  glove,  and  they  hang  down  as  though  the  dog 
didn't  want  to  hear  anything.  How  a  head  of  that 
kind  can  contain  brains  enough  to  cause  a  dog  to 
know  enough  to  go  in  when  it  rains  is  a  mystery. 
But  he  seems  to  be  intelligent. 

If  a  man  comes  along  on  the  sidewalk,  the  dog 
will  follow  him  off,  follow  him  until  he  meets  an 
other  man,  and  then  he  follows  him  till  he  meets 
another,  and  so  on  until  he  has  followed  the  entire 
population.  He  is  not  an  aristocratic  dog,  but  will 
follow  one  person  just  as  soon  as  another,  and  to  see 
him  going  along  the  street,  with  his  tail  cofled  up, 
apparently  oblivious  to  every  human  sentiment,  it 
is  touching. 

His  legs  are  about  the  size  of  pipe  stems,  and  his 
feet  are  as  big  as  a  base  ball  base.  He  wanders 
around,  following  a  boy,  then  a  middle  aged  man, 
then  a  little  girl,  then  an  old  man,  and  finally,  about 


83 

meal  time,  the  last  person  he  follows  seems  to  go  by 
the  bam  and  the  dog  wanders  in  and  looks  for  a  buf 
falo  robe  or  a  harness,  tug  to  chew.  It  does  not  cost 
anything  to  keep  him,  as  he  has  only  eaten  one  trot 
ting  harness  and  one  fox  skin  robe  since  Monday, 
though  it  may  not  be  right  to  judge  of  his  appetite, 
as  he  may  be  a  little  off  his  feed. 

.Pierce  said  he  would  be  a  nice  dog  to  run  with  a 
horse,  or  under  a  carriage.  Why,  bless  you,  he 
won't  go  within  twenty  feet  of  a  horse,  and  a  horse 
would  run  away  to  look  at  him;  besides,  he  gets 
right  under  a  carriage  wrheel,  and  when  the  wheel 
runs  over  him  he  complains,  and  sings  Pinafore. 

What  under  the  sun  that  dog  is  ever  going  to  be 
good  for  is  more  than  we  know.  He  is  too  lean  and 
bony  for  sausage.  A  piece  of  that  dog  as  big  as 
your  finger  in  a  sausage  would  ruin  a  butcher.  It 
would  be  a  dead  give  away.  He  looks  as  though  he 
might  point  game,  if  the  game  was  brought  to  his 
attention,  but  he  would  be  just  as  liable  to  point  a 
cow.  He  might  do  to  stuff  and  place  in  a  front  yard 
to  frighten  burglars.  If  a  burglar  wouldn't  be  fright 
ened  at  that  dog  nothing  would  scare  him. 

Anyway,  now  we  have  got  him,  we  will  bring  him 
up,  though  it  seems  as  though  he  would  resemble  a 
truss  bridge  or  a  refrigerator  car,  as  much  as  a  dog, 
when  he  gets  his  growth.  For  fear  he  will  follow  off 
a  wagon  track  we  tie  a  knot  in  his  tail.  Parties  who 
have  never  seen  a  very  long  dog  can  call  at  the  barn 
about  meal  time  and  see  him. 


84 
A  SEWING  MACHINE  GIVEN  TO  THE  BOSS  GIRL. 

IN  response  to  a  request  from  W.  T.  Vankirk, 
George  W.  Peck  presented  the  Rock  County  Agri 
cultural  Society  with  a  sewing  machine,  to  be  given 
to  the  "boss  combination  girl"  of  Rock  County. 
"With  the  machine  he  sent  the  following  letter, 
which  explains  his  meaning  of  a  "combination 
girl,"  etc.  : 

MILWAUKEE,  June  7,  1881. 

W.  T.  VANKIRK — Dear  Sir :  Your  letter,  in  refer 
ence  to  my  giving  some  kind  of  a  premium  to  some 
body,  at  your  County  Fair,  is  received,  and  I  have 
been  thinking  it  over.  I  have  brought  my  massive 
intellect  to  bear  upon  the  subject,  with  the  follow 
ing  result : 

I  ship  you  to-day,  by  express,  a  sewing  machine, 
complete,  with  cover,  drop  leaf,  hemmer,  tucker, 
feller,  drawers,  and  everything  that  a  girl  wants, 
except  corsets  and  tall  stockings.  Now,  I  want  you 
to  give  that  to  the  best  "combination  girl"  in  Rock 
County,  with  the  compliments  of  the  Sun. 

What  I  mean  by  a  "combination,"  is  one  that  in 
the  opinion  of  your  Committee  has  all  the  modern 
improvements,  and  a  few  of  the  old-fashioned  faults, 
such  as  health,  etc.  She  must  be  good-looking,  that 
is,  not  too  handsome,  but  just  handsome  enough. 
You  don't  want  to  give  this  machine  to  any  female 
statue,  or  parlor  ornament,  who  don't  know  how  to 
play  a  tune  on  it,  or  who  is  -as  cold  as  a  refrigerator 
car,  and  has  no  heart  concealed  about  her  person. 
Our  girl,  that  is,  our  "Fair  Girl,"  that  takes  this 
machine,  must  be  "the  boss."  She  must  be  jolly 
and  good-natured,  such  a  girl  as  would  make  the 


85 

young  man  that  married  her  think  that  Rock  County 
was  the  next  door  to  heaven,  anyway.  She  must  be 
so  healthy  that  nature's  roses  will  discount  any 
preparation  ever  made  by  man,  and  so  well-formed 
that  nothing  artificial  is  needed  to— well,  Van,  you 
know  what  I  mean. 

You  want  to  pick  out  a  thoroughbred,  that  is,  all 
wool,  a  yard  wide — that  is,  understand  me,  I  don't 
want  the  girl  to  be  a  yard  wide,  but  just  right.  Your 
Committee  don't  want  to  get  "mashed"  on  some 
ethereal  creature  whose  belt  is  not  big  enough  for  a 
dog  collar.  This  premium  girl  wants  to  be  able  to 
do  a  day's  work,  if  necessary,  and  one  there  is  no 
danger  of  breaking  in  two  if  her  intended  should 
hug  her. 

After  your  Committee  have  got  their  eyes  on  a 
few  girls  that  they  think  will  fill  the  bill,  then  they 
want  to  find  out  what  kind  of  girls  they  are  around 
their  home.  Find  if  they  honor  their  fathers  and 
their  mothers,  and  are  helpful,  and  care  as  much  for 
the  happiness  of  those  around  them  as  they  do  for 
their  own.  If  you  find  one  who  is  handsome  as 
Venus — I  don't  know  Venus,  but  I  have  heard  that 
she  takes  the  cake — I  say,  if  you  find  one  that  is  per 
fect  in  everything,  but  shirks  her  duties  at  home, 
and  plays,  ,"I  Want  to  Be  an  Angel,"  on  the  piano, 
while  her  mother  is  mending  her  stockings,  or  iron 
ing  her  picnic  skirts,  then  let  her  go  ahead  and  be 
an  angel  as  quick  as  she  wants  to,  but  don't  give 
her  the  machine.  You  catch  the  idea  ? 

Find  a  girl  who  has  the  elements  of  a  noble  wom 
an  ;  one  whose  heart  is  so  large  that  she  has  to  wear 
a  little  larger  corset  than  some,  but  one  who  will 
make  her  home  happy,  and  who  is  a  friend  to  all ; 


86  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

one  who  would  walk  further  to  do  a  good  deed,  and 
relieve  suffering,  than  she  would  to  patronize  an  ice 
cream  saloon  ;  one  who  would'keep  her  mouth  shut 
a  month  before  she  would  say  an  unkind  word,  or 
cause  a  pang  to  another.  Let  your  Committee  set 
tle  on  such  a  girl,  and  she  is  as  welcome  to  that  ma 
chine  as  possible. 

Now,  Van,  you  ought  to  have  a  Committee  ap 
pointed  at  once,  and  no  one  should  know  who  the 
Committee  is.  They  should  keep  their  eyes  out  from 
now  till  Iflie  time  of  the  Fair,  and  they  should  com 
pare  notes  once  in  a  while.  You  have  got  some 
splendid  judges  of  girls  there  in  Janesville,  but  you 
better  appoint  married  men.  They  are  usually  more 
unbiased.  They  should  not  let  any  girl  know  that  she 
is  suspected  of  being  the  premium  girl,  until  the 
judgment  is  rendered,  so  no  one  will  be  embarrassed 
by  feeling  that  she  is  competing  for  a  prize. 

Now,  Boss,  I  leave  the  constitution  and  the  girls 
in  your  hands  ;  and  if  this  premium  is  the  means  of 
creating  any  additional  interest  in  your  Fair,  and 
making  people  feel  good  natured  and  jolly,  I  shall 
be  amply  repaid.  Your  friend, 

GEO.  W.  PECK. 

DON'T  APPRECIATE  KINDNESS. 

ONE  of  the  members  of  the  Humane  Society,  who 
lives  in  an  aristocratic  ward,  had  been  annoyed  at 
hearing  sounds  from  a  stable  near  his  residence, 
which  indicated  that  a  boy  who  had  charge  of  a 
horse  was  in  the  habit  of  pounding  the  animal  vigor 
ously  every  morning,  while  cleaning  off  the  dirt.  It 
seemed  to  the  humane  man  that  the  boy  must  use  a 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  87 

barrel  stave  or  fence  board  to  curry  off  the  horse, 
and  the  way  the  animal  danced  around  the  barn  was 
terrible. 

It  occurred  every  morning,  and  the  humane  man 
made  up  his  mind  that  it  was  his  duty  to  put  a  stop 
to  it.  He  went  to  the  barn  one  morning,  just  as  the 
cotillion  commenced.  Looking  through  a  knot  hole 
he  saw  the  horse  tied  so  his  head  was  away  up  to 
the  top  of  the  barn,  so  he  could  not  use  his  teeth  to 
defend  himself.  The  boy  stood  with  a  curry  comb 
in  one  hand  and  a  piece  of  plank  in  the  other,  and 
he  warmed  the  horse  with  both,  and  the  animal 
kicked  for  all  that  was  out. 

The  humane  man  thought  this  was  the  worst  case 
of  cruelty  to  animals  that  ever  was,  and  he  rapped 
.for  admission.  The  boy,  covered  with  perspiration, 
horse  tail,  stable  refuse  and  indignation,  opened  the 
door,  and  the  humane  man  proceeded  to  read  him  a 
lecture  about  cruelty  to  dumb  animals,  called  him  a 
fiend  in  human  form,  and  told  him  that  kindness 
was  what  was  necessary,  instead  of  a  club. 

The  boy  couldn't  get  in  a  word  edgeways  for  a 
while,  but  when  the  man  had  exhausted  his  talk  the 
boy  told  him  that  kindness  might  work  on  ordinary 
horses,  but  this  horse  was  the  meanest  animal  in  the 
world.  He  would  bite  and  kick  without  any  provo 
cation,  and  the  present  owner  couldn't  sell  him  or 
give  him  away.  He  said  that  the  only  way  he  could 
be  curried  was  to  tie  him  up  at  both  ends,  and  the 
only  way  he  could  be  harnessed  was  to  toss  the  har 
ness  on  him  with  a  pitch  fork. 

The  horse,  with  his  head  tied  up  so  high  that  he 
could  not  use  it,  looked  down  at  the  humane  man 
with  one  eye  filled  with  emotion — the  other  eye  had 


88 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


been  knocked  out  years  ago  —  and  seemed  to  be 
thanking  the  kind-hearted  citizen  for  interfering  in 
the  matinee  and  causing  hostilities  to  be  suspended. 
The  humane  man  was  touched  by  the  intelligent 
look  of  the  horse,  and  insisted  that  the  animal  be 
untied  and  allowed  its  freedom.  The  boy  said  he 
didn't  dare  untie  him,  for  he  would  kick  the  side  of 
the  barn  out,  but  the  man  insisted  that  he  should 


"  MEANEST  ANIMAL  IN  THE  WORLD." 

release  the  horse,  and  went  up  to  his  head  to  do  so, 
when  the  boy  went  through  the  manure  hole  in  the 
side  of  the  barn. 

What  happened  when  the  humane  citizen  untied 
the  halter  will  perhaps  never  be  definitely  known, 
but  no  sooner  had  the  boy  struck  the  ground  through 
the  hole,  than  there  was  a  sound  of  revelry  in  the 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  89 

barn,  there  came  a  yell  through  the  crevices,  there 
seemed  to  be  a  company  of  cavalry  drilling  on  the 
barn  floor,  there  was  a  sound  as  of  cloth  tearing, 
and  then  it  appeared  as  though  something  was 
climbing  up  the  inside  of  the  barn,  and  after  which 
the  hind  heels  of  the  horse  could  be  heard  playing 
the  snare  drum  on  the  manger.  The  boy  roused  the 
neighbors  and  they  armed  themselves  and  entered 
the  barn.  They  found  the  horse  in  the  stall,  with 
its  head  where  its  tail  should  be,  with  its  mouth  full 
of  pantaloons  cloth,  and  kicking  away  as  though  its 
heart  would  break. 

And  the  humane  man,  where,  O,  where  was  he? 
Ask  of  the  winds  that  far  around  with  fragments  of 
hat  and  coat  tail  strewed  the  barn  floor. 

"  Shoot  the  horse,"  said  a  faint  voice  from  the  up 
per  part  of  the  barn,  and  every  eye  was  turned  in 
that  direction.  The  humane  man  was  up  there, 
clinging  to  a  cross  piece.  He  had  evidently  gone 
up  the  ladder  which  led  to  the  hay  loft,  a  little 
ahead  of  the  horse,  and  as  he  clung  to  the  cross 
piece,  his  coat  tail  gone,  and  the  vital  part  of  his 
pantaloons  and  some  skin  gone  to  that  bourne  from 
whence  no  pantaloons  seat  returns,  his  bald  head 
covered  with  dust  and  cobwebs,  he  was  a  picture  of 
meekness. 

The  crowd  got  the  horse  into  another  stall,  head 
first,  and  put  bars  across,  and  the  humane  man  came 
down  from  his  perch.  Seizing  a  barn  shovel,  and 
spitting  on  his  hands,  he  asked  his  friends  to  wait 
and  watch  him  curry  off  that  horse  just  a  minute 
for  luck.  He  said  he  only  wanted  to  live  just  long 
enough  to  maul  every  rib  out  of  the  animal,  and  if 
he  was  forgiven  for  interfering  in  somebody's  else 


90  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

business  this  time  he  would  try  and  lead  a  different 
life  in  the  future. 

They  put  a  horse  blanket  around  his  wounds  and 
led  him  home,  and  he  has  given  the  boy  five  dollars 
to  pound  the  horse  an  hour  every  morning  for  the 
next  thirty  days.  You  can't  make  that  man  believe 
that  a  horse  has  any  intelligence. 

RELIGION    AND    FISH. 

NEWSPAPER  reports  of  the  proceedings  of  the  Sun 
day  School  Association  encamped  on  Lake  Monona, 
at  Madison,  give  about  as  many  particulars  of  big 
catches  of  fish  as  of  sinners.  The  delegates  divide 
their  time  catching  sinners  on  spoon-hooks  and 
bringing  pickerel  to  repentance.  Some  of  the  good 
men  hurry  up  their  prayers,  and  while  the  "  Amen" 
is  leaving  their  lips  they  snatch  a  fish-pole  in  one 
hand  and  a  baking-powder  box  full  of  angle  worms 
in  the  other,  and  light  out  for  the  Beautiful  Beyond, 
where  the  rock  bass  turn  up  sideways,  and  the 
wicked  cease  from  troubling. 

Discussions  on  how  to  bring  up  children  in  the 
way  they  should  go  are  broken  into  by  a  deacon  with 
his  nose  peeled  coming  up  the  bank  with  a  string  of 
perch  in  one  hand,  a  broken  fish-pole  in  the  other, 
and  a  pair  of  dropsical  pantaloons  dripping  dirty 
water  into  his  shoes. 

It  is  said  to  be  a  beautiful  sight  to  see  a  truly  good 
man  offering  up  supplications  from  under  a  wide- 
brimmed  fishing  hat.  and  as  he  talks  of  the  worm 
that  never,  or  hardly  ever  dies,  red  angle  worms  that 
have  dug  out  of  the  piece  of  paper  in  which  they 
were  rolled  up  are  crawling  out  of  his  vest  pocket. 


91 

The  good  brothers  compare  notes  of  good  places  to 
do  missionary  work,  where  sinners  are  so  thick  you 
can  knock  them  down  with  a  club,  and  then  they 
get  boats  and  row  to  some  place  on  the  lake  where 
a  local  liar  has  told  them  the  fish  are  just  sitting 
around  on  their  haunches  waiting  for  some  one  to 
throw  in  a  hook. 

This  mixing  religion  with  fishing  for  black  bass 
and  pickerel  is  a  good  thing  for  religion,  and  not  a 
bad  thing  for  the  fish.  Let  these  Christian  statesmen 
get  "  mashed"  on  the  sport  of  catching  fish,  and  they 
will  have  more  charity  for  the  poor  man  who,  after 
working  hard  twelve  hours  a  day  for  six  days,  goes 
out  on  a  lake  Sunday  and  soaks  a  worm  in  the  water 
and  appeases  the  appetite  of  a  few  of  God's  hun 
gry  pike,  and  gets  dinner  for  himself  in  the  bargain. 
While  arguing  that  it  is  wrong  to  fish  on  Sunday, 
they  will  be  brought  right  close  to  the  fish,  and  can 
see  better  than  before,  that  if  a  poor  man  is  rowing 
a  boat  across  a  lake  on  Sunday,  and  his  hook  hangs 
over  the  stern,  with  a  piece  of  liver  on,  and  a. fish 
that  nature  has  made  hungry  tries  to  steal  his  line 
and  pole  and  liver,  it  is  a  duty  he  owes  to  society  to 
take  that  fish  by  the  gills,  put  it  in  the  boat  and  rea 
son  with  it,  and  try  to  show  it  that  in  leaving  its 
devotions  on  a  Sunday  and  snapping  at  a  poor  man's 
only  hook,  it  was  setting  a  bad  example. 

These  Sunday  school  people  will  have  a  nice  time, 
and  do  a  great  amount  of  good,  if  the  fish  continue 
to  bite,  and  they  can  go  home  with  their  hearts  full 
of  the  grace  of  God,  their  stomachs  full  of  fish,  their 
teeth  full  of  bones  ;  and  if  they  fall  out  of  the  boats, 
and  their  suspenders  hold  out,  they  may  catch  a 
basin  full  of  eels  in  the  basement  of  their  pantaloons. 


92  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

But  we  trust  they  will  not  try  to  compete  with  the 
local  sports  in  telling  fish  stories.  That  would  break 
up  a  whole  Sunday  school  system. 

A   DOCTOR    OF   LAWS. 

A  DOCTOR  at  Ashland  is  also  a  justice  of  the  peace, 
and  when  he  is  called  to  visit  a  house  he  don't  know 
whether  he  is  to  physic  or  to  marry.  Several  times 
he  has  been  called  out  in  the  night,  to  the  country, 
and  he  supposed  some  one  must  be  awful  sick,  and 
he  took  a  cart  load  of  medicines,  only  to  find  some 
body  wanted  marrying.  He  has  been  fooled  so  much 
that  when  he  is  called  out  now  he  carries  a  pill-bag 
and  a  copy  of  the  statutes,  and  tells  them  to  take 
their  choice. 

He  was  called  to  one  house  and  found  a  girl  who 
seemed  feverish.  She  was  sitting  up  in  a  chair, 
dressed  nicely,  but  he  saw  at  once  that  the  fatal 
flush  was  on  her  cheek,  and  her  eyes  looked  pecu 
liar.  He  felt  of  her  pulse,  and  it  was  beating  at  the 
rate  of  two  hundred  a  minute.  He  asked  her  to  run 
out  her  tongue,  and  she  run  out  eight  or  nine  inches 
of  the  lower  end  of  it.  It  was  covered  with  a  black 
coating,  and  he  shook  his  head  and  looked  sad.  She 
had  never  been  married  any  before,  and  supposed 
that  it  was  necessary  for  a  justice  who  was  going  to 
marry  a  couple  to  know  all  about  their  physical  con 
dition,  so  she  kept  quiet  and  answered  questions. 

She  did  not  tell  him  that  she  had  been  eating 
huckleberry  pie,  so  he  laid  the  coating  on  her  tongue 
to  some  disease  that  was  undermining  her  constitu 
tion.  He  put  his  ear  on  her  chest  and  listened  to 
the  beating  of  her  heart,  and  shook  his  head  again. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  93 

He  asked  her  if  she  had  been  exposed  to  any  con 
tagious  disease.  She  didn't  know  what  a  conta 
gious  disease  was,  but  on  the  hypothesis  that  he  had 
reference  to  sparking,  she  blushed  and  said  she  had, 
but  only  two  evenings,  because  John  had  only  just 
got  back  from  the  woods  where  he  had  been  chop 
ping,  and  she  had  to  sit  up  with  him. 

The  doctor  got  out  his  pill-bags  and  made  some 
quinine  powders,  and  gave  her  some  medicine  in 
two  tumblers,  to  be  taken  alternately,  and  told  her 
to  soak  her  feet  and  go  to  bed,  and  put  a  hot  mus 
tard  poultice  on  her  chest,  and  some  onions  around 
her  neck. 

She  was  mad,  and  flared  right  up,  and  said  she 
wasn't  very  well  posted,  and  lived  in  the  country, 
but  if  she  knew  her  own  heart  she  would  not  play 
such  a  trick  as  that  on  a  new  husband. 

The  doctor  got  mad,  and  asked  her  it  she  thought 
he  didn't  understand  his  business  ;  and  he  was  about 
to  go  and  let  her  die,  when  the  bridegroom,  came  in 
and  told  him  to  go  ahead  with  the  marrying.  The 
doc  said  that  altered  the  case.  He  said  next  time 
he  came  he  should  know  what  to  bring,  and  then 
she  blushed,  and  told  him  he  was  an  old  fool  any 
way,  but  he  pronounced  them  man  and  wife,  and 
said  the  prescription  would  be  five  dollars,  the  same 
as  though  there  had  been  somebody  sick. 

But  the  doc  had  cheek.  Just  as  he  was  leaving  he 
asked  the  bridegroom  if  he  didn't  want  to  ride  up 
to  Ashland  with  him,  it  was  only  eighteen  miles, 
and  the  ride  would  be  lonesome,  but  the  bride  said 
not  if  the  court  knew  herself,  and  the  bridegroom 
said  now  he  was  there  he  guessed  he  would  stay. 
He  said  he  didn't  care  much  about  going  to  Ashland 
anyway. 


94  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

THE  DIFFERENCE  IN  HOUSES. 

THERE  has  been  a  great  change  in  livery  horses 
within  the  last  twenty  years.  Years  ago,  if  a  young 
fellow  wanted  to  take  his  girl  out  riding,  and  ex 
pected  to  enjoy  himself,  he  had  to  hire  an  old  horse, 
the  worst  in  the  livery  stable,  that  would  drive  it 
self,  or  he  never  could  get  his  arm  around  his  girl 
to  save  him.  If  he  took  .a  decent  looking  team,  to 
to  put  on  style,  he  had  to  hang  on  to  the  lines  with 
both  hands,  and  if  he  even  took  his  eyes  off  the  team 
to  look  at  the  suffering  girl  beside  him,  with  his 
mouth,  the  chances  were  that  the  team  would  jump 
over  a  ditch,  or  run  away,  at  the  concussion.  Riding 
out  with  girls  was  shorn  of  much  of  its  pleasure  in 
those  days. 

We  knew  a  young  man  that  was  going  to  put  one 
arm  around  his  girl  if  he  did  not  lay  up  a  cent,  and 
it  cost  him  over  three  hundred  dollars.  The  team 
ran  away,  the  buggy  was  wrecked,  one  horse  was 
killed,  the  girl  had  her  hind  leg  broken,  and  the 
girl's  father  kicked  the  young  man  all  over  the  or 
chard,  and  broke  the  mainspring  of  his  watch. 

It  got  so  that  the  livery  rig  a  young  man  drove 
was  an  index  to  his  thoughts.  If  he  had  a  stylish 
team  that  was  right  up  on  the  bit,  and  full  of  vine 
gar,  and  he  braced  himself  and  pulled  for  all  that 
was  out.  and  the  girl  sat  back  in  the  corner  of  the 
buggy,  looking  as  though  she  should  faint  away  if 
a  horse  got  his  tail  over  a  line,  then  people  said  that 
couple  was  all  right,  and  there  was  no  danger  that 
they  would  be  on  familiar  terms. 

But  if  they  started  out  with  a  slow  old  horse  that 
looked  as  though  all  he  wanted  was  to  be  left  alone, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  95 

however  innocent  the  party  might  look,  people  knew 
just  as  well  as  though  they  had  seen  it,  that  when 
they  got  out  on  the  road,  or  when  night  came  on, 
that  fellow's  arm  would  steal  around  her  waist,  and 
she  would  snug  up  to  him,  and— Oh,  pshaw,  you 
have  heard  it  before. 

Well,  late  years  the  livery  men  have  "got  onto  the 
racket,"  as  they  say  at  the  church  sociables.  They 
have  found  that  horses  that  know  their  business  are 
in  demand,  and  so  horses  are  trained  for  this  pur 
pose  They  are  trained  on  purpose  for  out  door 
sparking.  It  is  not  an  uncommon  thing  to  see  a 
young  fellow  drive  up  to  the  house  where  his  girl 
lives  with  a  team  that  is  just  tearing  things.  They 
prance,  and  champ  the  bit,  and  the  young  man 
seems  to  pull  on  them  as  though  his  liver  was  com 
ing  out.  The  horses  will-  hardly  stand  still  long 
enough  for  the  girl  to  get  in,  and  then  they  start  off 
and  seem  to  split  the  air  wide  open,  and  the  neigh-, 
bors  say,  "Them  children  will  get  all  smashed  up 
one  of  these  days." 

The  girl's  mother  and  father  see  the  team  start, 
and  their  minds  experience  a  relief  as  they  reflect 
that  "as  long  as  John  drives  that  frisky  team  there 
can't  be  no  hugging  a  going  on."  The  girl's  older 
sister  sighs  and  says,  "That's  so,"  and  goes  to  her 
room  and  laughs  right  out  loud. 

It  would  be  instructive  to  the  scientists  to  watch 
that  team  for  a  few  miles.  The  horses  fairly  foam, 
before  they  get  out  of  town,  but  striking  the  coun 
try  road,  the  fiery  steeds  come  down  to  a  walk,  and 
they  mope  along  as  though  they  had  always  worked 
011  a  hearse.  The  shady  woods  are  reached,  and  the 
carriage  scarcely  moves,  and  the  horses  seem  to  be 


96  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

walking  in  their  sleep.  The  lines  are  loose  on  the 
dash  board,  and  the  left  arm  of  the  driver  is  around 
the  pretty  girl,  and  they  are  talking  low.  It  is  not 
necessary  to  talk  loud,  as  they  are  so  near  each  other 
that  the  faintest  whisper  can  be  heard. 

But  a  change  comes  over  them.  A  carriage  ap 
pears  in  front,  coming  towards  them.  It  may  be 
some  one  that  knows  them.  The  young  man  picks 
up  the  lines,  and  the  horses  are  in  the  air,  and  as 
they  pass  the  other  carriage  it  almost  seems  as 
though  the  team  is  running  away,  and  the  girl  that 
was  in  sweet  repose  a  moment  before  acts  as  though 
she  wanted  to  get  out.  After  passing  the  intruder 
the  walk  and  conversation  are  continued. 

If  you  meet  the  party  on  the  Whitefish  Bay  road 
at  10  o'clock  at  night,  the  horses  are  walking  as 
quietly  as  oxen,  and  they  never  wake  up  until  com 
ing  into  town,  and  then  he  pulls  up  the  team  and 
drives  through  town  like  a  cyclone,  and  when  he 
drives  up  to  the  house  the  old  man  is  on  the  steps, 
and  he  thinks  John  must  be  awful  tired  trying  to 
hold  that  team.  And  he  is. 

It  is  thought  by  some  that  horses  have  no  intelli 
gence,  but  a  team  that  knows  enough  to  take  in  a 
sporadic  case  of  buggy  sparking  has  got  sense. 
These  teams  come  high,  but  the  boys  have  to  have 
them. 

ADDICTED  TO  LIMBURG  CHEESE. 

DURING  the  investigation  of  Chief  Kennedy  one 
witness  testified  to  something  that  ought  to  make  it 
hot  for  the  chief.  When  men  stoop  to  do  the  things 
that  Mr.  Chapiii  testified  to,  an  outraged  public  sen- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  97 

timent  has  got  to  step  in.  Mr.  Chapin  testified — and 
he  is  a  man  whose  word  is  as  good  as  our  note — he 
said  he  met  Kennedy  in  a  street  car,  and  his  breath 
smelled  of  lirnburg  cheese/  That  is  enough.  Carry 
his  remains  out. 

Any  man  who  will  appear  in  a  public  place,  among 
folks,  with  his  breath  smelling  of  limburg  cheese, 
has  got  his  opinion  of  us.  It  is  simply  damnable. 
We  can  see  how  a  man  who  likes  limburg  cheese  is 
liable,  though  he  may  have  sworn  off,  to  return  to 
the  mustard  cup,  and  after  the  first  taste,  fill  his  skin 
full  of  cheese,  arguing  that  one  may  as  well  die  for* 
an  old  sheep  as  a  lamb. 

It  is  a  well  known  fact,  agreed  to  by  all  scientists, 
that  a  single  mouthful  will  tarnish  an  otherwise 
virtuous  breath  as  much  as  a  whole  cheese.  One 
mouthful  of  cheese  leads  on  to  another,  and  we  are 
prepared  to  believe  that  if  the  chief  smelled  of  cheese 
at  all,  he  was  full  of  it. 

Men  cannot  be  too  careful  of  cheese.  If  a  man 
feels  that  he  is  going  to  commit  the  dastardly  act  of 
eating  limburg  cheese,  he  has  time  to  go  out  to  a 
glue  factory,  or  a  slaughter  house,  or  the  house  of 
correction,  or  some  other  place  whose  offense  is 
rank. 

The  desire  to  eat  cheese  does  not  come  upon  a  man 
suddenly,  like  the  desire  to  take  a  drink,  or  stand 
off  a  creditor,  and  he  is  not  taken  possession  of  by 
the  demon  of  appetite  and  pulled  to  the  nearest 
saloon  by  a  forty  horse  power  devil,  as  is  the  man 
who  has  the  jim  jams. 

The  cheese  does  its  work  more  quietly.  It  whis 
pers  to  him  about  11  o'clock  A.  M.,  and  says  there  is 
nothing  like  cheese.  He  stands  it  off,  and  again  in 


98 

the  afternoon  the  cheese  takes  possession  of  him 
and  leads  him  on  step  by  step,  by  green  fields,  and 
yet  he  does  not  fall.  But  about  9  o'clock  p.  M.  the 
air  seems  full  of  cheese,  and  he  smells  it  wherever 
he  goes,  and  finally,  after  resisting  for  ten  hours,  he 
goes  and  orders  a  cheese  sandwich. 

Now,  when  the  feeling  first  comes  on,  and  he 
shuts  his  eyes  and  imagines  he  sees  limburg  cheese, 
if  the  victim  would  go  and  buy  a  slice  and  go  away 
out  in  the  country,  by  the  fertilizer  factory,  he  could 
eat  his  cheese  and  no  one  but  the  workmen  in  the 
fertilizer  factory  could  complain.  That  is  what 
ought  to  be  done  when  a  man  is  addicted  to  cheese. 

But  this  chief  of  police  has  stood  up  in  the  face  of 
public  opinion,  eaten  limburg  cheese  with  brazen 
effrontery  that  would  do  credit  to  a  lawyer,  and  has 
gone  into  a  public  conveyance,  breathing  pestilence 
and  cheese.  There  is  no  law  on  our  statute  books 
that  is  adequate  to  punish  a  man  who  will  thus 
trample  upon  the  usages  of  society. 

However,  the  conviction  of  Kennedy  of  eating 
limburg  cheese  will  be  the  means  of  acquitting  him 
of  the  other  charge,  that  of  conversing  with  a  lewd 
woman.  We  doubt  if. there  is  a  lewd  woman,  though 
she  be  terribly  lewd,  who  would  allow  a  man  to 
come  within  several  blocks  of  her  who  had  been  eat 
ing  that  deceased  cheese. 

If  we  were  in  Kennedy's  place  we  would  admit 
the  cheese,  and  then  bring  ten  thousand  women  to 
swear  whether  they  would  remain  in  the  same  room 
with  a  man  who  had  been  eating  that  cheese.  There 
are  men  who  do  eat  cheese,  bad  men,  the  wicked 
classes,  who  go  into  the  presence  of- females,  but 
that  is  one  thing  which  causes  so  many  suicides 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  09 

among  the  poor  fallen  girls.  When  we  hear  that 
another  naughty  but  nice  looking  girl  has  been  fill 
ing  her  skin  full  of  paregoric  and  is  standing  off  a 
doctor  with  a  stomach  pump,  we  instinctively  feel 
as  though  some  man  with  a  smell  of  cheese  about 
his  garments  had  been  paying  attention  to  her,  and 
she  had  become  desperate. 

If  they  discharge  the  chief  on  that  cheese  testi 
mony  it  will  be  a  lesson  to  all  men  hereafter. 

TERRIBLE  TIME  ON  THE  CARS. 

THERE  is  something  about  the  average  Chicago 
young  man  that  gives  him  away,  and  gives  away 
anybody  that  gets  in  with  him.  He  is  full  of  prac 
tical  jokes,  and  is  a  bad  egg  on  general  principles. 

Last  week  Mr.  Eppenetus  Hoyt,  of  Fond  du  Lac, 
went  to  Chicago  on  a  visit.  He  is  a  pious  gentle 
man,  whose  candor  would  carry  conviction  to  the 
mind  of  the  seeker  after  righteousness,  and  his  pres 
ence  at  the  prayer  meeting,  at  the  sociable  or  the 
horse-race,  is  an  evidence  that  everything  will  be 
conducted  on  the  square. 

Mr.  Hoyt  knew  a  young  man  named  Johnny  Dar 
ling,  who  was  attending  Rush  Medical  College,  and 
through  him  was  permitted  to  visit  the  dissecting- 
room,  and  gaze  upon  the  missionary  work  being 
done  there.  Mr.  Hoyt  was  introduced  to  a  number 
of  the  wicked  young  men  who  were  carving  the  late 
lamented,  and  after  he  got  accustomed  to  the  cli 
mate  he  rather  enjoyed  the  performance. 

Whether  young  Mr.  Darling  told  the  boys  that 
Mr.  Hoyt  was  "fresh"  or  not,  will,  perhaps,  never 
be  known ;  but,  as  Mr.  Hoyt  passed  around  among 


100  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

the  slabs  where  they  were  at  work,  each  made  a 
contribution  from  the  "stiff"  he  was  at  work  upon 
to  Mr.  Hoyt's  coat  pockets  unbeknown  to  him. 
While  one  was  calling  his  attention  to  a  limb  that 
he  was  dissecting,. another  would  cut  off  an  ear,  or 
a  finger,  or  a  nose,  or  dig  out  an  eye,  and  drop  the 
same  into  Mr.  Hoyt's  overcoat  pockets.  Finally,  he 
bid  the  boys  good-bye,  thanked  them  for  their  court 
esies  in  showing  him  around,  told  them  if  they  ever 
came  to  Fond  du  Lac  his  pew  in  church  was  at  their 
disposal,  and  he  skipped  for  the  train  and  got  on 
board. 

Tne  seats  were  all  occupied,  and  a  middle  aged 
lady,  with  a  slim  face  and  spectacles,  and  evidently 
an  old  maid,  allowed  him  to  sit  beside  her.  The  car 
was  warm,  and  it  was  not  long  before  the  "remains" 
began  to  be  heard  from.  He  was  talking  to  the  lady 
about  the  "sweet  by-and-by,"  and  the  hope  of  a  glo 
rious  immortality  beyond  the  grave,  and  of  the  in 
ducements  held  out  by  the  good  book  to  those  who 
try  to  lead  a  different  life  here  on  earth,  when  he 
smelled  something.  The  lady  had  been  smelling  it 
for  some  miles  back,  and  she  had  got  her  eye  on 
Mr.  Hoyt,  and  had  put  her  handkerchief  to  her  nose. 
He  took  a  long  breath  and  said  to  the  lady : 

"The  air  seems  sort  o'  fixed  here  in  this  car,  does 
it  not  ?"  and  he  looked  up  at  the  transom. 

"Yes,"  said  the  lady,  as  she  turned  pale,  and 
asked  him  to  let  her  out  of  the  seat,  "  it  is  very  much 
fixed,  and  I  believe  that  you  are  the  man  that  fixed 
it  /"  and  she  took  her  satchel  and  went  to  the  rear 
of  the  car,  where  she  glared  at  him  as  though  he 
was  a  fat  rendering  establishment. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  101 

Mr.  Hoyt  devoted  a  few  moments  to  silent  prayer, 
and  then  his  attention  was  called  to  a  new  married 
Couple,  in  the  seat  ahead  of  him.  They  had  been 
having  their  heads  close  together,  when  suddenly 
the  bride  said  : 

"  Hennery,  have  you  been  drinking  ?" 

He  vowed  by  all  that  was  great  and  glorious  that 
he  had  not,  when  she  told  him  there  was  something 
about  his  breath  that  reminded  her  of  strong  drink, 
or  a  packing-house. 

He  allowed  that  it  was  not  him,  but  admitted  that 
he  had  noticed  there  was  something  wrong,  though 
he  didn't  know  but  it  was  some  of  her  teeth  that 
needed  filling. 

They  were  both  mad  at  the  insinuations  of  the 
other,  and  the  bride  leaned  on  the  window  and  cried, 
while  the  groom  looked  the  other  way,  and  acted 
cross. 

Mr.  Hoyt  was  very  much  annoyed  at  the  smell. 

The  smell  remained,  and  people  all  around  him 
got  up  and  went  to  the  forward  end  of  the  car,  or  to 
the  rear,  and  there  were  a  dozen  empty  seats  when 
the  conductor  came  in,  and  lots  of  people  standing 
up.  The  conductor  got  one  sniff,  and  said  : 

"Whoever  has  got  that  piece  of  limberger  cheese 
in  his  pocket,  will  have  to  go  in  the  emigrant  car !" 

Tbey  all  looked  at  Hoyt,  and  the  conductor  went 
up  to  him  and  asked  him  if  he  didn't  know  any  bet 
tor  than  to  be  carrying  around  such  cheese  as  that  ? 

Hoyt  said  he  hadn't  got  no  cheese. 

The  conductor  insisted  that  he  had,  and  told  him 
to  turn  his  pockets  wrong  side  out. 

Hoyt  jabbed  his  hands  into  his  pockets,  and  felt 
something  cold  and  clammy.  He  drew  his  hands 


102  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

out  empty,  turned  pale,  and  said  he  didn't  have  any 
cheese. 

The  conductor  insisted  on  his  feeling  again,  and 
he  brought  to  the  surface  a  couple  of  human  ears,  a 
finger,  and  a  thumb. 

"  What  in  the  name  of  the  Apostles  have  you  got 
there  ?"  says  the  conductor.  "-Do  you  belong  to  any 
canning  establishment  that  sends  canned  missionary 
to  the  heathen  cannibals  ?" 

Hoyt  told  the  conductor  to  come  in  the  baggage 
car,  and  he  would  explain  all ;  and  as  he  passed  by 
the  passengers,  with  both  hands  full  of  the  remains, 
the  passengers  were  ready  to  lynch  Hoyt.  He  told 
the  conductor  where  he  had  been,  and  the  boys  had 
played  it  on  him,  and  the  fingers  and  things  were 
thrown  beside  the  track,  where  some  one  will  find 
them  and  think  a  murder  has  been  committed. 

Afterwards  Hoyt  went  into  the  car  and  tried  to 
apologize  to  the  old  maid,  but  she  said  if  he  didn't 
go  away  from  her  she  would  scream.  Hoyt  would 
always  rather  go  away  than  have  a  woman  scream. 

He  is  trying  to  think  of  some  way  to  get  even 
with  the  boys  of  Rush  Medical  College. 

CHANGED  SATCHELS. 

THERE  was  one  of  those  old  fashioned  mistakes 
occurred  on  the  train  from  Monroe  to  Janesville  a 
week  or  so  ago.  A  traveling  man  and  a  girl  who 
was  going  to  Milton  College  sat  in  adjoining  seats, 
and  their  satchels  were  exactly  alike,  and  the  travel 
ing  man  took  the  wrong  satchel  and  got  off  at 
Janesville,  and  the  girl  went  on  to  Milton. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  103 

The  drummer  went  down  to  Vankirk's  grocery 
and  put  his  satchel  on  the  counter,  and  asked  Van 
how  his  liver  was  getting  along,  while  he  picked  a 
piece  off  a  codfish  and  ate  it,  and  then  smelled  of  his 
fingers  and  said  "Whew!"  Van  said  his  liver  was 
"not  very  torpid,  thank  you;  how  are  you  fixed  for 
tea?"  The  drummer  said  he  wished  he  had  as  many 
dollars  as  he  was  fixed  for  tea,  and  began  to  open 
his  sample  case.  Van  cut  off  a  piece  of  cheese  and 
was  eating  it  while  he  walked  along  towards  the 
drummer. 

When  the  case  was  opened  the  drummer  fell  over 
against  a  barrel  of  brooms,  and  grasping  a  keg  of 
maple  syrup  for  support,  turned  pale  and  said  he'd 
be  dashed.  Van  looked  in  the  sample  case,  and  said, 
"Fixed  for  tea!  I  should  think  you  was,  but  it 
wasn't  that  kind  of  tea  I  want." 

There  was  a  long  female  night-shirt,  clapboarded 
up  in  front  with  trimming- and  starch,  and  buttoned 
from  Genesis  to  Revelations.  Van  took  a  butter 
tryer  and  lifted  it  out,  and  there  was  more  than  a 
peck  measure  full  of  stuff  that  never  belonged  in  no 
grocery.  Van  said:  "If  you  are  traveling  for  a 
millinery  house  I  will  send  a  boy  to  direct  you  to  a 
millinery  store." 

The  drummer  wiped  the  perspiration  from  his 
face  with  a  coffee  sack  and  told  Van  he  would  give 
him  a  million  dollars  if  he  never  would  let  the  house 
in  Milwaukee  know  about  it,  and  he  chucked  the 
things  back  in.  "What  is  this?"  said  Van,  as  he 
held  up  a  pair  of  giddy  looking  affairs  that  no  drum 
mer  ever  wore  on  his  own  person.  "Don't  ask  me" 
says  the  drummer.  "I  am  not  a  married  man." 


104  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

He  took  the  satchel  and  went  to  Milton  on  the 
next  train.  The  girl  had  opened  the  satchel  which 
fell  to  her  in  the  division  to  show  her  room-mate 
how  to  make  a  stitch  in  crochet,  and  when  the 
brown  sugar,  coffee,  tea,  rice,  bottles  of  syrup,  mac- 
carom  and  a  pack  of  cards  came  in  sight,  she  fairly 
squea^d.  Along  after  dinner  the  drummer  called 
and  asked  for  an  exchange,  and  they  exchanged, 
and  it  was  hard  to  tell  which  blushed  the  most. 

THE  NAUGHTY  BUT  NICE  CHURCH  CHOIR 

You  may  organize  a  church  choir  and  think  you 
have  got  it  down  fine,  and  that  every  member  of  it 
is  pious  and  full  of  true  goodness,  and  in  such  a  mo 
ment  as  you  think  not  you  will  find  that  one  or  more 
of  them  are  full  of  the  old  Harry,  and  it  will  break 
out  when  you  least  expect  it.  There  is  no  more 
beautiful  sight  to  the  student  of  nature  than  a 
church  choir.  To  see  the  members  sitting  together, 
demure,  devoted  and  pious  looking,  you  think  that 
there  is  never  a  thought  enters  their  mind  that  is 
not  connected  with  singing  anthems,  but  sometimes 
you  get  left. 

There  is  one  church  choir  in  Milwaukee  that  is 
about  as  near  perfect  as  a  choir  can  be.  It  has  been 
organized  for  a  long  time,  and  has  never  quarreled, 
and  the  congregation  swears  by  it.  ^hen  the  choir 
strikes  a  devotional  attitude  it  is  enough  to  make  an 
ordinary  Christian  think  of  the  angel  band  above, 
only  the  male  singers  wear  whiskers,  and  the  females 
wear  fashionable  clothes. 

You  would  riot  think  that  this  choir  played  tricks 
on  each  other  during  the  sermon,  but  sometimes 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  105 

they  do.  The  choir  is  furnished  with  the  numbers 
of  the  hymns  that  are  to  be  sung,  by  the  minister, 
and  they  put  a  book  mark  in  the  book  at  the  proper 
place.  One  morning  they  all  got  up  to  sing,  when 
the  soprano  turned  pale  as  an  ace  of  spades  dropped 
out  of  her  hymn  book,  the  alto  nearly  fainted  when 
a  queen  of  hearts  dropped  at  her  feet,  and  the  rest 
of  the  pack  was  distributed  around  in  the  other 
bcoks.  They  laid  it  onto  the  tenor,  but  he  swore, 
while  the  minister  was  preaching,  that  he  didn't 
know  one  6ard  from  another. 

One  morning  last  summer,  after  the  tenor  had 
been  playing  tricks  all  spring  on  the  rest  of  the 
choir,  the  soprano  brought  a  chunk  of  shoemaker's 
wax  to  church.  The  tenor  was  arrayed  like  Soiomon, 
in  all  his  glory,  with  white  pants,  and  a  Seymour 
coat.  The  tenor  got  up  to  see  who  the  girl  was  who 
came  in  with  the  old  lady,  and  while  he  was  up  the 
soprano  put  the  shoemakers'  wax  on  the  chair,  and 
the  tenor  sat  down  on  it.  They  all  saw  it,  and  they 
waited  for  the  result.  It  was  an  awful  long  prayer, 
and  the  church  was  hot,  the  tenor  was  no  iceberg 
himself,  and  shoemakers'  wax  melts  at  ninety-eight 
degrees  Fahrenheit. 

The  minister  finally  got  to  the  amen,  and  read  a 
hymn,  the  choir  coughed  and  all  rose  up.  The  chair 
that  the  tenor  was  in  stuck  to  him  like  a  brother, 
and  came  right  along  and  nearly  broke  hib  suspend 
ers.  It  was  the  tenor  to  bat,  and  as  the  great  organ 
struck  up  he  pushed  the  chair  off  of  his  person, 
looked  around  to  see  if  he  had  saved  his  pants,  and 
began  to  sing,  and  the  rest  of  the  choir  came  near 
bursting.  The  tenor  was  called  out  on  three  strikes 
by  the  umpire,  and  the  alto  had  to  sail  in,  and  while 


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108  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

dish,  and  draws  in  a  long  breath.  If  the  paste  is 
fresh  he  eats  it,  and  wiggles  his  polonaise  as  much 
as  to  thank  us,  and  goes  away  refreshed.  If  the 
paste  is  sour,  and  smells  bad,  he  looks  at  us  with  a 
mournful  expression,  and  goes  away  looking  as 
though  it  was  a  mighty  mean  trick  to  play  on  a 
cockroach,  and  he  runs  about  as  though  he  was 
offended.  When  a  package  of  wedding  cake  is 
placed  on  the  desk  he  is  the  first  one  to  find  it  out, 
and  he  sits  and  waits  till  we  cut  the  string,  when 
he  goes  into  it  and  walks  all  over  the  cake  till  he 
strikes  the  bridal  cake,  when  he  gets  onto  it,  stands 
on  his  head  and  seems  to  say,  "Yum,  yum,"  and  is 
tickled  as  a  girl  with  a  fresh  beau. 

There  is  human  nature  in  a  cockroach.  When  a 
man  comes  in  and  sits  around  with  no  business,  on 
our  busy  day,  and  asks  questions,  and  stays  and 
keeps  us  from  working,  the  cockroach  will  come  out 
and  sit  on  the  inkstand  and  look  across  at  the  visit 
or  as  much  as  to  say  : 

"Why  don't  you  go  away  about  your  business  and 
leave  the  poor  man  alone,  so  he  can  get  out  some 
copy,  and  not  keep  us  all  standing  around  here  do 
ing  nothing  ?" 

But  when  the  paper  is  out,  and  there  is  a  look  of 
cheerfulness  about  the  place,  and  we  are  anxious  to 
have  friends  call,  the  cockroach  flies  around  over 
the  papers  and  welcomes  each  caller  as  pleasantly 
as  he  can,  and  seems  to  enjoy  it. 

One  day  the  paste  smelled  pretty  bad/and  we 
poured  about  a  spoonful  of  whisky  in  it,  and  stirred 
it  up.  The  cockroach  came  out  to  breakfast,  and 
we  never  saw  a  person  that  seemed  to  enjoy  the 
meal  any  more  than  the  cockroach  did.  It  seemed 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


109 


as  though  he  couldn't  get  enough  paste.  Pretty 
soon  he  put  one  hand  to  his  head  and  looked  cross 
eyed.  He  tried  to  climb  down  off  the  paste-dish, 
and  fell  over  himself  and  turned  a  flip-flap  on  the 
blotting  paper.  Then  he  looked  at  us  in  a  sort  of 
mysterious  way,  winked  one  eye  as  much  as  to  say : 
"  You  think  you  are  smart,  don't  you,  old  baldy  ?" 


"WON'T   GO    HOME    TILL.   MORNING." 

Then  he  put  one  hand  to  his  forehead  as  if  in 
meditation,  and  staggered  off  into  a  drawer,  coming 
out  presently  with  his  arm  around  another  cock 
roach,  and  he  took  him  to  the  paste-pot,  and  he  filled 
up,  too,  and  then  they  locked  arms  and  paraded  up 
and  down  on  the  green  cloth  of  the  desk,  as  though 
singing,  "We  won't  go  home  till  morning,"  and 


110  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

they  kicked  over  the  steel  pens,  and  acted  a  good 
deal  like  politicians  after  a  caucus. 

Finally,  some  remark  was  made  by  one  of  them 
that  didn't  suit,  and  they  pitched  in  and  had  the 
worst  fight  that  ever  was,  after  which  one  rushed 
off  as  if  after  a  policeman,  and  the  other  staggered 
into  his  hole,  and  we  saw  no  more  of  our  cockroach 
till  the  next  morning,  when  he  came  out  with  one 
hand  on  his  head  and  the  other  on  his  stomach,  and 
after  smelling  of  the  paste  and  Ipoking  sick,  he 
walked  off  to  a  bottle  of  seltzer  water  and  crawled 
up  to  the  cork  and  looked  around  with  an  expression 
so  human  that  we  uncorked  the  bottle  and  let  him 
in,  and  he  drank  as  though  he  had  been  eating  cod 
fish.  Since  that  day  he  looks  at  us  a  little  suspi 
cious,  and  when  the  paste  smells  a  little  peculiar  he 
goes  and  gets  another  cockroach  to  eat  some  of  it 
first,  and  he  watches  the  effect. 

Now.  you  wouldn't  believe  it,  but  that  cockroach 
can  tell,  the  minute  he  sees  a  man,  whether  the  man 
has  come  in  with  a  bill,  or  has  come  in  to  pay 
money.  We  don't  know  how  he  does  it,  but  when  a 
man  has  a  bill  the  cockroach  begins  to  look  solemn 
and  mournful,  and  puts  his  hands  to  his  eyes  as 
though  weeping.  If  a  man  comes  in  to  pay  money, 
the  cockroach  looks  glad,  a  smile  plays  around  his 
mouth,  and  he  acts  kitteny.  He  acts  the  most  hu 
man  when  ladies  come  into  the  office.  If  a  book 
agent  comes  in,  he  makes  no  attempt  to  show  his 
disgust. 

One  day  an  old  person  came  in  with  a  life  of  Gar- 
field  and  laid  it  on  the  table,  opened  to  the  picture 
of  the  candidate,  and  left  it.  The  cockroach  walked 
through  the  violet  ink  and  got  his  feet  all  covered, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  Ill 

and  then  he  walked  all  over  that  book,  and  left  his 
mark.  The  woman  saw  the  tracks,  and  thought  we 
had  signed  our  name,  and  she  said  she  was  sorry  we 
had  written  our  signature  there,  because  she  had 
another  book  for  subscribers'  names. 

When  a  handsome  lady  comes  in,  the  cockroach 
is  in  his  element,  and,  there  is  a  good  deal  of  proud 
flesh  about  him.  He  puts  his  thumbs  in  the  arm- 
holes  of  his  vest  and  walks  around. 

One  day  we  put  our  face  up  to  a  deaf  young  lady 
to  speak  to  her,  and  the  cockroach  looked  straight 
the  other  way,  and  seemed  to  be  looking  over  an 
old  copy  of  the  Christian  Statesman ;  but  when  he 
found  we  only  yelled  at  the  lady,  he  winked  as  much 
as  to  say  : 

"Well,  how  did /know?" 

O,  that  cockroach  is  a  thoroughbred  ! 

SUMMER  RESORTING. 

THE  other  day  a  business  man  who  has  one  of  the 
nicest  houses  in  the  nicest  ward  in  the  city,  and  who 
has  horses  and  carriages  in  plenty,  and  who  usually 
looks  as  clean  as  though  just  out  of  a  band  box  and 
as  happy  as  a  schoolma'am  at  a  vacation  picnic,  got 
on  a  street  car  near  the  depot,  a  picture  of  a  total 
wreck.  He  had  on  a  long  linen  duster,  the  collar 
tucked  down  under  the  neck  band  of  his  shirt,  which 
had  no  collar  on,  his  cuffs  were  sticking  out  of  his 
coat  pocket,  his  eyes  looked  heavy,  and  where  the 
dirt  had  come  off  with  the  perspiration  he  looked 
pale,  and  he  was  cross  as  a  bear. 

A  friend  who  was  on  the  car,  on  the  way  up  town, 
after  a  day's  work,  with  a  clean  shirt  on,  a  white 


112  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

vest  and  a  general  look  of  coolness,  accosted  the 
traveler  as  follows: 

"Been  summer  resorting,  I  hear?" 

The  dirty-looking  man  crossed  his  legs  with  a 
painful  effort,  as  though  his  drawers  stuck  to  his 
legs  and  almost  peeled  the  bark  off,  and  answered: 

"Yes,  I  have  been  out  two  weeks.  I  have  struck 
ten  different  hotels,  and  if  you  ever  hear  of  my  leav 
ing  town  again  during  the  hot  weather,  you  can 
take  my  head  for  a  soft  thing,"  and  he  wiped  a  cin 
der  out  of  his  eye  with  what  was  once  a  clean  hand 
kerchief. 

"  Had  a  good,  cool  time,  I  suppose,  and  enjoyed 
yourself,"  said  the  man  who  had  not  been  out  of 
town. 

"  Cool  time,  hell,"  said  the  man,  who  has  a  pew  in 
two  churches,  as  he  kicked  his  limp  satchel  of  dirty 
clothes  under  the  car  seat.  "I  had  rather  been  sen 
tenced  to  the  house  of  correction  for  a  month." 

"'Why,  what's  the  trouble?" 

"Well,  there  is  no  trouble,  for  people  who  like 
that  kind  of  fun,  but  this  lets  me  out.  I  do  not 
blame  people  who  live  in  Southern  States  for  com 
ing  North,  because  they  enjoy  things  as  a  luxury 
that  we  who  live  in  Wisconsin  have  as  a  regular 
diet,  but  for  a  Chicago  or  Milwaukee  man  to  go  intc 
the  country  to  swelter  and  be  kept  awake  nights  is 
bald  lunacy.  Why,  since  I  have  been  out  I  have 
slept  in  a  room  a  size  smaller  than  the  closet  my  wife 
keeps  her  linen  in,  with  one  window  that  brought  in 
air  from  a  laundry,  and  I  slept  on  a  cot  that  shut 
up  like  a  jack-knife  and  always  caught  me  in  the 
hinge  where  it  hurt. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  113 

"  At  another  hotel  I  had  a  broken-handled  pitcher 
of  water  that  had  been  used  to  rinse  clothes  in,  and 
I  can  show  you  the  indigo  on  my  neck.  I  had  a 
piece  of  soap  that  smelled  like  a  tannery,  and  if  the 
towel  was  not  a  recent  damp  diaper  then  I  have 
never  raised  six  children. 

"  At  one  hotel  I  was  the  first  man  at  the  table,  and 
two  families  came  in  and  were  waited  on  before  the 
Senegambian  would  look  at  me,  and  after  an  hour 
and  thirty  minutes  I  got  a  chance  to  order  some 
roast  beef  and  baked  potatoes,  but  the  perspiring, 
thick-headed  pirate  brought  me  some  boiled  mutton 
and  potatoes  that  louked  as  though  they  had  been 
put  in  a  wash-tub  and  mashed  by  treading  on  them 
barefooted.  I  paid  twenty-five  cents  for  a  lemonade 
made  of  water  and  vinegar,  with  a  piece  of  some 
thing  on  top  that  might  be  lemon  peel,  and  it  might 
be  pumpkin  rind. 

"  The  only  night's  rest  I  got  was  one  night  when 
I  slept  in  a  car  seat.  At  the  hotel  the  regular  guests 
were  kept  awake  till  12  o'clock  by  number  six  headed 
boys  and  girls  dancing  until  midnight  to  the  music 
of  a  professional  piano  boxer,  and  then  for  two  hours 
the  young  folks  sat  on  the  stairs  and* yelled  and 
laughed,  and  after  that  the  girls  went  to  bed  and 
talked  two  hours  more,  while  the  boys  went  and  got 
drunk  and  sang  'Allegezan  and  Kalamazoo.' 

"  Why,  at  one  place  I  was  woke  up  at  3  o'clock  in 
the  morning  by  what  I  thought  was  a  chariot  race 
in  the  hall  outside,  but  it  was  only  a  lot  of  young 
bloods  rolling  ten  pins  down  by  the  rooms,  using 
empty  wine  bottles  for  pins  and  China  ctispidores 
for  balls.  I  would  have  gone  out  and  shot  enough 
drunken  galoots  for  a  mess,  only  I  was  afraid  a  cus- 


114  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

pidore  would  carom  on  my  jaw.  Talk  about  rest,  I 
would  rather  go  to  a  Holler  factory. 

"  Say,  I  don't  know  as  you  would  believe  it,  but  at 
one  place  I  sent  some  shirts  and  things  to  be  washed, 
and  they  sent  to  my  room  a  lot  of  female  under 
clothes,  and  when  I  kicked  about  it  to  the  landlord 
he  said  I  would  have  to  wear  them,  as  they  had  no 
time  to  rectify  mistakes.  He  said  the  season  was 
short  and  they  had  to  get  in  their  work,  and  ne 
charged  me  Fifth  Avenue  Hotel  prices  with  a  face 
that  was  child-like  and  bland,  when  he  knew  I  had 
been  wiping  on  diapers  for  two  days  in  place  of 
towels. 

"But  I  must  get  off  here  and  see  if  I  can  find  water 
enough  to  bathe  all  over.  I  will  see  you  down  town 
after  I  bury  these  clothes." 

And  the  sticky,  cross  man  got  off  swearing  at 
summer  hotels  and  pirates.  We  don't  see  where  he 
could  have  been  traveling. 

THE  GOSPEL  CAB. 

BECAUSE  there  are  cars  for  the  luxurious,  and  smoking  cars  .for 
those  who  delight  in  tobacco,  soriie  of  the  religious  people  of  Con 
necticut  are  petitioning  the  railway  companies  to  fit  up  "  Gospel 
cars."  Instead  of  the  card  tables  they  want  an  organ  and 
piano,  they  want  the  seats  arranged  facing  the  centre  of  the  car, 
so  they  can  have  a  full  view  of  whoever  may  conduct  the  services; 
instead  of  spittoons  they  will  have  a  carpet,  and  instead  of  cards 
they  want  Bibles  and  Gospel  song-books. — Chicago  News. 

There  is  an  idea  for  you.  Let  some  railroad  com 
pany  fit  up  a  Gospel  car  according  to  the  above  pre 
scription,  and  run  it,  and  the  porter  on  that  car 
would  be  the  most  lonesome  individual  on  the  train. 
The  Gospel  hymn  books  would  in  a  year  appear  as 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  115 

new  as  do  now  the  Bibles  that  are  put  up  in  all  cars. 
Of  the  millions  of  people  who  ride  in  the  trains, 
many  of  them  pious  Christians,  who  has  ever  seen  a 
man  or  woman  tak,e  a  Bible  off  the  iron  rack  and 
read  it  a  single  minute  ?  And  yet  you  can  often  see 
ministers  and  other  professing  Christians  in  the 
smoking  car,  puffing  a  cigar  and  reading  a  daily 
paper. 

Why,  it  is  all  they  can  do  to  get  a  congregation  in 
a  church  on  Sunday  ;  and  does  any  one  suppose  that 
when  men  and  women  are  traveling  for  business  or 
pleasure — and  they  do  not  travel  for  anything  else 
—that  they  are  going  into  a  ''Gospel  car"  to  listen 
to  some  sky  pirate  who  has  been  picked  up  for  the 
purpose,  talk  about  the  prospects  of  landing  the 
cargo  in  heaven  ? 

Not  much ! 

The  women  are  too  much  engaged  looking  after 
their  baggage,  and  keeping  the  cinders  out  of  their 
eyes,  and  keeping  the  children's  heads  out  of  the 
window,  and  keeping  their  fingers  from  being 
jammed,  to  look  out  for  their  immortal  souls.  And 
the  men  are  too  much  absorbed  in  the  object  of  their 
trip  to  listen  to  gospel  truths.  They  are  thinking 
about  whether  they  will  be  able  to  get  a  room  at  the 
hotel,  or  whether  they  will  have  to  sleep  on  a  cot. 

Nobody  can  sing  gospel  songs  on  a  car,  with  their 
throats  full  of  cinders,  and  their  eyes  full  of  dust, 
and  the  chances  are  if  anybody  should  strike  up,  "A 
charge  to  keep  I  have,"  some  pious  sinner  who  was 
trying  to  take  a  nap  in  the  corner  of  the  gospel  car 
would  say : 
"0,  go  and  hire  a  hall !" 


116  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

It  would  be  necessary  to  make  an  extra  charge  of 
half  a  dollar  to  those  who  occupied  the  gospel  car, 
the  same  as  is  charged  on  the  parlor  car,  and  you 
wouldn't  get  two  persons  on  an  average  train  full 
that  would  put  up  a  nickel. 

Why,  we  know  a  Wisconsin  Christian,  worth  a 
million  dollars,  who,  when  he  comes  up  from  Chi 
cago  to  the  place  where  he  lives,  hangs  up  his  over 
coat  in  the  parlor  car,  and  then  goes  into  the  for 
ward  car  and  rides  till  the  whistle  blows  for  his 
town,  when  he  goes  in  and  gets  his  coat  and  never 
says  thirty-five  cents  to  the  conductor,  or  ten  cents 
to  the  porter.  Do  you  think  a  gospel  car  would  catch 
him  for  half  a  dollar  ?  He  would  see  you  in  Hades 
first. 

The  best  way  is  to  take  a  little  eighteen  carat  re 
ligion  along  into  the  smoking  car,  or  any  other  car 
you  may  happen  to  be  in. 

A  man— as  we  understand  religion  from  those  who 
have  had  if — does  not  have  to  howl  to  the  accompa 
niment  of  an  asthmatic  organ,  pumped  by  a  female 
with  a  cinder  in  her  eye  and  smut  on  her  nose,  in 
order  to  enjoy  religion,  and  he  does  not  have  to  be  in 
the  exclusive  company  of  other  pious  people  to  get  the 
worth  of  his  money.  There  is  a  great  deal  of  relig 
ion  in  sitting  in  a  smoking  car,  smoking  dog-leg 
tobacco  in  a  briar- wood  pipe,  and  seeing  happy  faces 
in  the  smoke  that  curls  up — faces  of  those  you  have 
made  happy  by  kind  words,  good  deeds,  or  half  a 
dollar  put  where  it  will  drive  away  hunger,  instead 
of  paying  it  out  for  a  reserved  seat  in  a  gospel  car. 
Take  the  half  dollar  you  would  pay  for  a  seat  in  a 
gospel  car  and  go  into  the  smoker,  and  find  some 
poor  emigrant  that  is  going  west  to  grow  up  with 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  117 

the  country,  after  having  been  beaten  out  of  his 
money  at  Castle  Garden,  and  give  rt  to  him,  and  see 
if  the  look  of  thankfulness  and  joy  does  not  make 
you  feel  better  than  to  listen  to  a  discussion  in  the 
gospel  car,  as  to  whether  the  children  of  Israel  went 
through  the  Red  Sea  with  life-preservers,  or  wore 
rubber  hunting  boots. 

Take  your  gospel-car  half  dollar  and  buy  a  veget 
able  ivory  rattle  of  the  train  boy,  and  give  it  to  the 
sick  emigrant  mother's  pale  baby,  and  you  make 
four  persons  happy — the  baby,  the  mother,  the  train 
boy  and  yourself. 

We  know  a  man  who  gave  a  dollar  to  a  prisoner 
on  the  way  to  State  prison,  to  buy  tobacco  with,  who 
has  enjoyed  more  good  square  religion  over  it  than 
he  could  get  out  of  all  the  chin  music  and  saw-filing 
singing  he  could  hear  in  a  gospel  car  in  ten  years. 
The  prisoner  was  a  bad  man  from  Oshkosh,  who 
was  in  a  caboose  in  charge  of  the  sheriff,  on  the  way 
to  Waupun.  The  attention  of  the  citizen  was  called 
to  the  prisoner  by  his  repulsive  appearance,  and  his 
general  don't-care-a-damative  appearance.  The  citi 
zen  asked  the  prisoner  how  he  was  fixed  for  money 
to  buy  tobacco  in  prison.  He  said  he  hadn't  a  cent, 
and  he  knew  it  would  be  the  worst*  punishment  he 
could  have  to  go  without  tobacco.  The  citizen  gave 
him  the  dollar  and  said  : 

"Now,  every  time  you  take  a  chew  of  tobacco  in 
prison,  just  make  up  your  mind  to  be  square  when 
you  get  out." 

The  prisoner  reached  out  his  hand -cuffed  hands 
to  take  the  dollar,  the  hands  trembling  so  that  the 
chains  rattled,  and  a  great  tear  as  big  as  a  shirt- 
button  appeared  in  one  eye — the  other*  eye  had  been 


118  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

gouged  out  while  "having  some  fun  with  the  boys" 
at  Oshkosh — and  his  lips  trembled  as  he  said  : 

"  So  help  me  God,  I  will !" 

That  man  has  been  boss  of  a  gang  of  hands  in  the 
pinery  for  two  winters,  and  has  a  farm  paid  for  on 
the  Central  Railroad,  .and  is  "squar." 

That  is  the  kind  of  practical  religion  a  worldly 
man  can  occasionally  practice  without  having  a 
gospel  car. 

INCIDENTS  AT  THE  NEWHALL  HOUSE  FIRE. 

THERE  were  a  great  many  ludicrous  scenes  about 
the  Newhall  House  during  the  fire  of  last  Saturday 
morning.  When  people,  were  notified  that  there  was 
a  fire  in  the  house,  but  that  the  danger  was  not 
great,  though  it  was  thought  best  to  give  them  all 
plenty  of  time  to  prepare  for  the  worst,  many 
jumped  right  out  of  bed  and  started  down  stairs. 

When  we  arrived  on  the  scene,  our  first  inquiry 
was  for  the  safety  of  the  lady  members  of  the  Rice 
Surprise  Party,  the  young  women  who  had  been 
cutting  up  on  the  stage  all  the  week  with  so  little 
apparel.  We  did  not  expect  to  find  them  in  a  great 
er  state  of  barefootedness  than  they  were  when  we 
saw  them  last,  but  in  some  instances  they  were. 

We  were  kindly  yet  firmly  informed  by  Mr.  Ran- 
kin  that  the  ladies  had  been  rescued.  It  seemed 
that  everybody  wanted  to  save  the  girls.  Mr.  Raii- 
kln  knew  this,  and  knew  that  if  the  young  and 
thoughtless  gentlemen  were  allowed  to  rescue  the 
girls  it  would  cause  remark.  He  said  he  was  an  old 
line  democrat,  and  that  his  days  of  kittenhood  were 


PACK'S   SUNSHINE.  119 

over,  and  that  it  was  proper  that  he  should  superin 
tend  the  removal  of  the  girls. 

Mr.  McKittrick,  the  conductor,  argued  the  matter 
with  him.  He  said  he  had  been  running  a  train  a 
good  many  years,  and  had  seen  all  phases  of  hu 
manity,  and  that  he  was  inured  to  a  life  of  hardship, 
and  had  seen  many  sad  sights,  in  the  sleeping  cars, 
and  he  insisted  that  he  be  allowed  to  superintend 
the  removal  of  the  girls. 

The  discussion  became  warm,  and  finally  they 
compromised  by  agreeing  that  McKittrick  should 
rush  into  the  rooms  and  drag  them  out  of  the  fire 
and  smoke  and  hand  them  to  Mr.  Rankin  at  the  foot 
of  the  first  pair  of  stairs,  who  would  dispose  of  them 
in  safety.  They  both  agreed  that  the  first  outside 
vandal  who  laid  a  hand  on  them  should  die. 

The  -first  trouble  they  had  was  with  Prof.  Has- 
kins.  He  came  out  of  his  room  with  nothing  on  but 
his  glasses,  an  ascension  robe  and  one  boot.  He 
rushed  through  the  hall,  and  while  "in  front  of  the 
room  of  the  girl  who  wore  the  black  tights  with  the 
crochet  work  on  the  limbs  he  ventured  a  joke.  He 
is  the  telegraph  manager  and  he  said,  "There  is  a 
line  down  here,"  as  a  two  inch  stream  struck  him 
about  the  alleged  pistol  pocket.  The  girl,  who  was 
tying  her  wardrobe  up  in  a  napkin,  heard  him  and 
said,  "There  is  no  lying  doivn  here,  not  much." 
Prof.  Haskins  was  shocked  that  any  female  should 
thus  mistake  him  for  a  democrat,  and  falling  over  a 
zinc  trunk  head  first,  he  went  back  to  his  room  to 
send  his  son  Harry  out  to  help. 

Mr.  McKittrick  rushed  into  a  room  and  grabbed  a 
corset  in  his  arms  and  handed  it  down  stairs  to  Ran 
kin.  There  is  no  person  who  can  fool  Rankin.  He 


120 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


threw  the  corset  back,  saying:  "There  is  no  girl  in 
this.  Never  mind  the  wearing  apparel,  save  the 
girls."  After  handing  down  a  few  of  the  female 
clog  dancers  a  cloud  appeared  on  the  horizon,  and  it 
was  discovered  that  it  was  Hawley  Cole.  He  said 
he  came  in  to  save  the  effects  of  the  theatre.  Mc- 
Kittrick  threw  him  a  pair  of  busted  tights  that  he 
found  in  a  room,  and  said,  ' 'This  is  one  of  the  effects 
of  the  theatre." 


DIDN'T  WANT  TO  BE  RESCUED. 


Just  at  this  point  a  girl  with  a  waterproof  on  came 
along  the  hall  and  Mr.  Cole  asked  her  if  she  didn't 
want  to  be  rescued.  She  said  she  had  been  carried 
down  stairs  six  times  already  by  a  big  granger,  and 
she  would  shoot  the  next  man  that  attempted  to  res- 


PECKS  SUNSHINE.  121 

• 

cue  ner.  She  said  there  was  no  danger,  and  wanted 
to  know  why  the  big  galoots  did  not  go  and  help  put 
the  fire  out. 

On  inquiry  it  was  found  that  the  girl  had  been 
carried  down  stairs  six  times  and  left  on  the  side 
walk.  She  described  the  man  who  carried  her  out, 
and  said  he  was  excited,  and  no  sooner  would  she 
get  up  stairs  than  he  would  grab  her  and  carry  her 
down  again,  until  she  was  almost  Iroze.  He  told 
her  the  last  time  that  he  had  saved  six  girls  from  a 
fiery  grave. 

THE  WAY  WOMEN  BOSS  A  PILLOW. 

AMONG  the  recent  inventions  is  a  pillow  holder.  It 
is  explained  that  the  pillow  holder  is  for  the  purpose 
of  holding  a  pillow  while  the  case  is  being  put  on. 
We  trust  this  new  invention  will  not  come  into  gen 
eral  use,  as  there  is  no  sight  more  beautiful  to  the 
eyes  of  man  than  to  see  a  woman  hold  a  pillow  in 
her  teeth  while  she  gently  manipulates  the  pillow 
case  over  it. 

We  do  not  say  that  a  woman  is  beautiful  with  her 
mouth  full  of  pillows.  No  one  can  ever  accuse  us 
of  saying  that,  but  there  is  something  home-like  and 
old-fashioned  about  it  that  can  not  be  replaced  by 
any  invention. 

We  know  that  certain  over-fastidious  women  have 
long  clamored  for  some  new  method  of  putting  on  a 
pillow  case,  but  these  people  have  either  lost  their 
teeth,  or  the  new  ones  do  not  grasp  the  situation. 
They  have  tried  several  new  methods,  such  as  blow 
ing  the  pillow  case  up,  and  trying  to  get  the  pillow 
in  before  the  wind  got  out,  and  they  have  tried  to 


122  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

• ' 

get  the  pillow  in  by  rolling-  up  the  pillow  case  until 
the  bottom  is  reached,  and  then  placing  the  pillow 
on  end  and  gently  unrolling  the  pillow  case,  but  all 
these  schemes  have  their  drawbacks. 

The  old  style  of  chewing  one  end  of  the  pillow, 
and  holding  it  the  way  a  retriever  dog  holds  a  duck, 
till  the  pillow  case  is  On,  and  then  spanking  the  pil 
low  a  couple  of  times  on  each  side,  is  the  best,  and 
it  gives  the  woman's  jaws  about  the  only  rest  they 
get  during  the  day. 

If  any  invention  drives  this  old  custom  away 
from  us,  and  we  no  more  see  the  matrons  of  our 
land  with  their  hair  full  of  feathers  and  their  mouths 
full  of  striped  bed-ticking,  we  shall  feel  that  one  of 
the  dearest  of  our  institutions  has  been  ruthlessly 
torn  from  us,  and  the  fabric  of  our  national  su 
premacy  has  received  a  sad  blow,  and  that  our  liber 
ties  are  in  danger. 

THE  DEADLY  PAPEB  BAG. 

THERE  is  a  woman  on  the  West  Side  who  has 
learned  a  lesson  that  will  last  her  a  lifetime.  She 
has  been  for  years  wearing  these  pape.r  bags,  such 
as  the  green  grocers  use,  for  bustles.  The  paper  is 
stiff,  and  sticks  out  splendid,  and  makes  the  dress 
look  well.  Last  Sunday  morning  while  she  was 
dressing,,  her  young  son  got  in  the  room  and  blew 
the  paper  bag  full  of  wind  and  tied  a  string  around 
the  mouth  of  it,  and  left  it  in  a  chair.  The  good  lady 
took  it  and  tied  it  on  and  dressed  herself  for  church. 
She  bribed  her  husband  to  go  to  church  with  her, 
though  he  is  a  sort  of  Bob  Ingersoll  Christian, 


123 

As  they  went  down  the  aisle  the  minister  was 
reading  a  hymn  about  "  Sounding  the  Loud  Hosaii- 
na,"  and  the  lady  went  into  the  pew  first,  and  sat 
down  while  her  husband  was  putting  his  hat  on  the 
floor.  There  was  a  report  like  distant  thunder.  You 
have  heard  how  those  confounded  paper  bags  ex 
plode  when  boys  blow  them  up,  and  crush  them  be 
tween  their  hands. 

Well,  it  was  worse  than  that,  and  everybody 
looked  at  the  innocent  husband,  who  was  standing 
there  a  perfect  picture  of  astonishment.  He  looked 
at  his  wife  as  much  as  to  say:  "  Now,  this  is  the 
last  time  you  will  catch  me  in  church,  if  you  are 
going  to  play  any  of  your  tricks  on  me.  You  think 
you  can  scare  me  into  getting  religion?" 

The  minister  stopped  reading  the  hymn  and  looked 
over  his  spectacles  at  the  new  comers  as  though  it 
would  not  surprise  him  if  that  bad  man  should  jblow 
the  church  up.  The  poor  lady  blushed  and  looked 
around  as  much  as  to  say,  "  I  did  not  know  it  was 
loaded,"  and  she  looked  the  hymn  book  through  for 
the  hymn,  and  as  the  choir  rose  to  sing  she  offered 
one  side  of  the  book  to  her  husband,  but  he  looked 
mad  and  pious,  and  stood  at  the  other  end  of  the 
pew  and  looked  out  of  the  stained  glass  window. 

After  the  service  they  started  .home  together,  and 
as  they  turned  the  first  corner  he  said  to  his  wife, 
"  Well,  you  played  hell  on  your  watch,  didn't  you?" 
She  told  him  there  was  no  such  thing  as  hell  in  the 
Bible  now,  but  that  she  would  make  that  boy  think 
there  had  been  no  revision  of  the  Bible  that  left  hell 
out,  when  she  got  home,  We  only  get  the  story  from 
the  husband. 


124  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

He  said  he  didn't  know  what  it  was  that  made  the 
noise  until  they  got  home,  and  after  a  little  skirmish 
ing  around  his  wife  held  up  a  bursted  paper  bag, 
and  asked  the  boy  if  he  blew  that  bag  up.  He  said 
he  did,  but  he  did  not  know  there  was  anything 
wrong  about  it.  The  boy  and  his  mother  and  a  press 
board  paid  a  visit  to  the  back  kitchen,  and  there 
was  a  sound  of  revelry.  Boys  will  be  boys. 

THE   VIRGINIA    DUEL. 

THE  proposed  duel  between  Senator  Mahone  and 
Jubal  Early  did  not  come  off,  for  reasons  that  have 
not  been  made  public.  It  is  well  known  that  Ma- 
hone  is  the  thinnest  man  in  Virginia.  We  do  not 
allude  to  his  politics,  or  his  ability,  in  speaking  of 
his  being  thin,  but  to  his  frame.  He  does  not  make 
a  shadow.  He  could  hide  behind  a  wire  fence.  Gen. 
Early,  after  challenging  Mahone,  went  to  practic 
ing  at  a  piece  of  white  wire  clothes  line,  hung  to  the 
limb  of  a  tree,  but  he  could  not  hit  it,  and  he  felt 
that  all  the  advantage  would  be  on  Mr.  Mahone's 
side,  so  he  asked  Mahone  to  do  the  only  thing  in  his 
power  that  would  make  the  thing  even,  and  that 
was  to  eat  a  quantity  of  dried  apples  the  day  before 
the  duel,  in  order  to  swell  his  stomach  out  so  that  a 
gentleman  could  stand  some  show  of  hitting  him. 

Gen.  Early  pledged  himself,  on  the  honor  of  a 
Virginia  gentleman,  that  he  would  not  shoot  at 
Mahone's  stomach,  but  would  aim  at  it,  and  then 
make  a  line  shot  either  above  or  below. 

Mahone  replied  that,  while  he  appreciated  the  ad 
vantage  he  had  over  his  opponent,  and  was  willing 
to  do  anything  reasonable  to  make  the  thing  even, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  125 

he  could  not  consistently  eat  dried  apples,  as  they 
would  certainly  kill  him.  He  was  willing  to  take 
his  chances  on  the  bullets  of  his  opponent,  because 
statistics  showed  that  dueling  was  the  most  healthy 
business  a  man  could  engage  in  ;  and  he  pointed  to 
the  number  of  duellists  that  were  now  living  at  a 
ripe  old  age,  who  had  fought  hundreds  of  duels  and 
never  received  a  scratch  or  scratched  an  opponent, 
but  on  the  other  hand  he  could  produce  proof  to 
show  that  many  people  had  been  injured,  if  not 
killed,  by  an  over-indulgence  in  dried  apples. 

Mr.  Mahone  said  he  thought  it  was  late  in  the  day 
for  him  to  produce  any  proof  as  to  his  own  bravery, 
but  in  the  face  of  the  fact  that  he  would  be  pointed 
at  as  one  who  had  not  sand,  he  should  have  to  de 
cline  to  eat  dried  apples  in  order  to  make  himself  a 
target. 

Gen.  Early  said  he  appreciated  the  delicacy  of  his 
honorable  and  high-toned  opponent,  and  respected 
his  feelings,  and  would  not  insist  on  the  dried  apple 
act,  but  that  he  would  go  into  training  to  reduce 
himself  in  flesh  to  the  size  of  Mahone,  and  hoped 
that  the  affair  might  be  declared  off  until  he  could 
diet  himself.  He  said  he  should  at  once  begin  a 
course  ot  treatment  to  reduce  his  flesh,  by  boarding 
at  a  summer  resort  hotel  that  he  had  heard  of,  where 
the  desired  effect  might  be  produced. 

So  the  duel  is  postponed  for  the  present.  Both  Ma 
hone  and  Early  are  high-toned  gentlemen,  and  they 
will  do  nothing  rash. 


126  PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  • 

THE   DIFFERENCE. 

ONE  of  the  great  female  writers  on  dress  reform, 
in  trying  to  illustrate  how  terrible  the  female  dress 
is,  says  : 

4 'Take  a  man  and  pin  three  or  four  table-cloths 
about  him,  fastened  back  with  elastic  and  looped  up 
with  ribbons,  draw  all  his  hair  to  the  middle  of  his 
head  and  tie  it  tight,  and  hairpin  on  five  pounds  of 
other  hair  and  a  big  bow  of  ribbon.  Keep  the  front 
locks  on  pins  all  night,  and  let  them  tickle  his  eyes 
all  day,  pinch  his  waist  into  a  corset,  and  give  him 
gloves  a  size  too  small  and  shoes  the  same,  and  a 
hat  that  will  not  stay  on  without  torturing  elastic, 
and  a  little  lace  veil  to  blind  his  ej~es  whenever  he 
goes  out  to  walk,  and  he  will  know  what  a  woman's 
dress  is." 

Now  you  think  you  have  done  it,  don't  you,  sis  ? 
Why,  bless  you,  that  toggery  would  be  heaven  com 
pared  to  what  a  man  has  to  contend  with.  Take  a 
woman  and  put  a  pair  of  men's  four-shilling  draw 
ers  on  her  that  are  so  tight  that  when  they  get 
damp,  from  perspiration,  sis,  they  stick  so  you  can't 
cross  your  legs  without  an  abrasion  of  the  skin,  the 
buckle  in  the  back  turning  a  somersault  and  stick 
ing  its  points  into  your  spinal  menengitis  ;  put  on 
an  undershirt  that  draws  across  the  chest  so  you 
feel  as  though  you  must  cut  a  hole  in  it,  or  two,  and 
which  is  so  short  that  it  works  up  under  your  arms, 
and  allows  the  starched  upper  s^irt  to  sand  paper 
around  and  file  off  the  skin  until  you  wish  it  was 
night,  the  tail  of  which  will  not  stay  tucked  more 
than  half  a  block,  though  you  tuck,  and  tuck,  and 
tuck ;  and  then  fasten  a  collar  made  of  sheet  zinc, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  127 

two  sizes  too  small  for  you,  around  your  neck  ;  put 
on  vest  and  coat,  and  liver  pad  and  lung  pad  and 
stomach  pad,  and  a  porous  plaster,  and  a  chemise 
shirt  between  the  two  others,  and  rub  on  some  lini 
ment,  and  put  a  bunch  of  keys  and  a  jack-knife  and 
a  button-hook  and  a  pocket-book  and  a  pistol  and 
a  plug  of  tobacco  in  your  pockets,  so  they  will  chafe 
your  person,  and  then  go  and  drink  a  few  whisky 
cocktails,  and  walk  around  in  the  «sun  with  tight 
boots  on,  sis,  and  then  you  will  know  what  a  man's 
dress  is. 

Come  to  figure  it  up,  it  is  about  an  even  thing,  sis, 
—isn't  it  ? 

SPURIOUS    TRIPE. 

ANOTHER  thing  that  is  being  largely  counterfeited 
is  tripe.  Parties  who  buy  tripe  cannot  be  too  care 
ful.  There  is  a  manufactory  that  can  make  tripe 
so  natural  that  no  person  on  earth  can  detect  the 
deception.  They  take  a  large  sheet  of  rubber  about 
a  sixteenth  of  an  inch  thick  for  a  background,  and 
by  a  process  only  known  to  themselves  veneer  it 
with  a  Turkish  towel,  and  put  it. in  brine  to  soak. 
The  unsuspecting  boarding-house  keeper,  or  restau 
rant  man,  buys  it  and  cooks  it,  and  the  boarder  or 
transient  guest  calls  for  tripe.  A  piece  is  cut  off  the 
damnable  tripe  with  a  pair  of  shears  used  in  a  tin 
shop  for  cutting  sheet  iron,  and  it  is  handed  to  the 
victim.  He  tries  to  cut  it,  and  fails  ;  he  tries  to 
gnaw  it  off,  and  if  he  succeeds  in  getting  a  mouth 
ful,  that  settles  him.  He  leaves  his  tripe  on  his 
plate,  and  it  is  gathered  up  and  sewed  on  the  orig 
inal  piece,  and  is  kept  for  another  banquet. 


128  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

The  tripe  is  expensive,  owing  to  the  royalty  that 
has  to  be  paid  to  the  rubber  company,  and  often  the 
boarder  succeeds  in  eating  off  some  of  the  towel,  so 
it  has  to  be  veneered  over  again  ;  but  take  it  the 
year  round,  and  the  tripe  pays  its.way  in  a  boarding- 
house. 

A  CASE  OF  PARALYSIS. 

ABOUT  as  mean  a  trick  as  we  ever  heard  of  was 
perpetrated  by  a  doctor  at  Hudson  last  Sunday.  The 
victim  was  a  justice  of  the  peace  named  Evans.  Mr. 
jjCvans  is  a  man  who  has  the  alfiredest  biggest  feet 
east  of  St.  Paul,  and  when  he  gets  a  new  pair  of 
shoes  it  is  an  event  that  has  its  effect  on  the  leather 
market. 

Last  winter  he  advertised  for  sealed  proposals  to 
erect  a  pair  of  shoes  for  him,  and  when  the  bids 
were  opened  it  was  found  that  a  local  architect  in 
leather  had  secured  the  contract,  and  after  mort 
gaging  his  house  to  a  Milwaukee  tannery,  and  bor 
rowing  some  money  on  his  diamonds  of  his  "uncle," 
John  Comstock,  who  keeps  a  pawnbrokery  there,  he 
broke  ground  for  the  shoes. 

Owing  to  the  snow  blockade  and  the  freshets,  and 
the  trouble  to  get  hands  who  would  work  on  the 
dome,  there  were  several  delays,  and  Judge  Evans 
was  at  one  time  inclined  to  cancel  the  contract,  and 
put  some  strings  in  box  cars  and  wear  them  in  place 
of  shoes,  but  sympathy  for  the  contractor,  who  had 
his  little  awl  invested  in  the  material  and  labor,  in 
duced  him  to  put  up  with  the  delay. 

On  Saturday  the  shoes  were  completed,  all  except 
laying  the  floor  and  putting  on  a  couple  of  bay  win- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  129 

dows  for  corns,  and  conservatories  for  bunions,  and 
the  judge  concluded  to  wear  them  on  Sunday.  He 
put  them  on,  but  got  the  right  one  on  the  left  foot, 
and  the  left  one  on  the  right  foot.  As  he  walked 
down  town  the  right  foot  was  continually  getting 
on  the  left  side,  and  he  stumbled  over  himself,  and 
he  felt  pains  in  his  feet.  The  judge  was  frightened 
in  a  minute.  He  is  afraid  of  paralysis,  all  the  boys 
know  it,  and  when  he  told  a  wicked  republican 
named  Spencer  how  his  feet  felt,  that  degraded  man 
told  the  judge  that  it  was  one  of  the  surest  symp 
toms  of  paralysis  in  the  world,  and  advised  him  to 
hunt  a  doctor.  ^ 

The  judge  pranced  off,  interfering  at  every  step, 
skinning  his  shins,  and  found  Dr.  Hoyt.  The  doc 
tor  is  one  of  the  worst  men  in  the  world,  and  when 
he  saw  how  the  shoes  were  put  on  he  told  the  judge 
that  his  case  was  hopeless  unless  something  was 
done  immediately.  The  judge  turned  pale,  the  sweat 
poured  out  of  him,  and  taking  out  his  purse  he  gave 
the  doctor  five  dollars  and  asked  him  what  he  should 
do.  The  doctor  felt  his  pulse,  looked  at  his  tongue, 
listened  at  his  heart,  shook  his  head,  and  then  told 
the  judge  that  he  would  be  a  dead  man  in  less  than 
sixty  years  if  he  didn't  change  his  shoes. 

The  judge  looked  down  at  the  vast  expanse  of 
leather,  both  sections  pointing  inwardly,  and  said, 
"  Well,  dam  a  fool,"  and  "changed  cars"  at  the 
junction.  As  he  got  them  on  the  right  feet,  and 
hired  a  raftsman  to  tie  them  up  for  him,  he  said  he 
would  get  even  with  the  doctor  if  he  had  to  catch 
the  smallpox.  0,  we  suppose  they  have  more  fun  in 
some  of  these  country  towns  than  you  can  shake  a 
stick  at. 


130 

MALE  AND  FEMALE  MASHING. 

THERE  has  been  a  great  deal  of  talk  in  the  papers 
about  arresting  "mashers/'  that  is,  young  men  who 
stand  on 'the  corners  and  pulverize  women,  and  a 
great  many  good  people  got  the  idea  that  it  was  un 
safe  to  travel  the  streets.  This  is  not  the  case.  A 
woman  might  travel  all  day  and  half  the  night  and 
not  be  insulted.  Of  course,  once  in  a  great  while,  a 
woman  will  be  insulted  by  a  man,  the  same  as  a  man 
will  be  by  a  woman. 

•No  woman,  unless  she  throws  out  one. eye,  kind  of 
cunning,  is  in  danger  of  having  a  male  man  throw 
out  his  other  eye  the  same  way.  There  has  got  to 
be  two  parties  to  a  mashing  match,  and  one  must  be 
a  woman.  Too  many  women  act  sort  of  queer  just 
for  fun,  and  the  poor  male  man  gets  to  acting  im 
proper  before  he  realizes  the  enormity  of  the  crime, 
and  then  it  is  everlastingly  too  late. 

But  a  female  masher,  one  who  is  thoroughly  bad, 
like  the  male  loafers  that  have  been  driven  from  the 
corners,  is  a  terror.  She  will  insult  a  respectable 
man  and  laugh  at  his  blushes.  One  of  them  was  ar- 
resied  the  other  day  for  playing  her  act  on  a  police 
man  who  was  disguised  as  a  respectable  granger 
from  Stevens  Point.  These  female  mashers  are  a 
tornado. 

Why,  one  of  them  met  a  respectable  church  mem 
ber  the  other  night,  and  asked  him  how  his  liver 
complaint  was.  He  was  a  man  who  had  been 
troubled  with  the  liver  complaint,  and  supposing 
she  was  some  acquaintance,  he  stopped  on  the  cor 
ner  and  talked  with  the  pullet  for  about  ten  min 
utes,*  explaining  to  her  the  course  of  treatment  he 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  131 

had  used  to  cure  him,  and  dozens  of  people  passing 
by  that  knew  him,  and  knew  that  she  was  clear  off. 

Finally  she  asked  him  if  he  wouldn't  take  her  to  a 
restaurant  and  buy  her  a  spring  chicken  and  a  small 
bottle.  He  told  her  if  she  would  come  up  to  his  house 
she  should  have  a  hen,  and  there  were  lots  of  bottles, 
both  large  and  small,  that  she  was  welcome  to.  She 
told  him  to  go  to  Hades,  and  he  went  in  a  drug  store 
and  asked  a  clerk  who  that  lady  was  he  had  been 
talking  with,  and  when  the  clerk,  who  knew  her, 
told  him  she  was  a  road  agent,  a  street  walker,  a 
female  masher,  the  old  man  had  to  sit  down  on  a 
box  of  drugs  and  fan  himself  with  his  hat. 

We  mention  this  to  show  that  ladies  are  not  the 
only  portion  of  the  population  that  is  liable  to  be  ac 
costed  and  insulted.  The  other  night  a  respectable 
merchant  was  going  to  the  opera  with  a  friend  from 
the  country,  when  a  couple  of  sirens  met  them  and 
one  said  to  the  other,  "Look  at  his  nibs,"  and  she 
locked  arms  with  him  and  asked  him  if  he  was  not 
her  own  darling.  He  said  his  name  was  not  "Nibs," 
and  he  would  have  to  look  at  his  memorandum  book 
before  he  could  tell  whether  he  was  her  darling  or 
not,  but  from  the  smell  of  gin  about  her  person  he 
would  blush  to  extemporize. 

We  do  not  give  his  exact  language,  but  in  the 
heat  of  debate  he  shook  her  and  told  her  if  she  ever 
clawed  on  him  again  he  would  everlastingly  go  and 
tell  her  parents.  And  while  he  was  talking  with 
her  the  other  one  had  seated  herself  beside  his  coun 
try  friend  on  a  salt  barrel  in  front  of  a  grocery  and 
was  feeling  in  his  vest  pocket  to  see  if  he  had  any 
cloves. 


i:?-,1  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

A  female  masher  is  much  worse  than  a  male 
masher  as  you  can  imagine.  AY  ho  ever  heard  of  a 
male  masher  feeling  in  an  unprotected  female's  vest 
pocket  for  cloves?  O,  the  men  are  simply  unpro 
tected,  and  at  the  mercy  of  wicked,  designing  women, 
and  the  police  ought  to  protect  them. 

THE    USES    OF   THE    PAPER    BAG. 

A  FIRST  Ward  man  was  told  hy  his  wife  to  bring 
home  a  quart  of  oysters  on  New  Year's  night,  to  fry 
for  supper.  He  drank  a  few  prescriptions  of  egg 
nog,  and  then  took  a  paper  hag  full  of  selects  and 
started  for  home.  He  stopped  at  two  or  three  sa 
loons,  and  the  bag  began  to  melt,  and  when  he  left 
the  last  saloon  the  bottom  fell  out  of  the  bag  and  the 
oysters  were  on  the  sidewalk. 

We  will  leave  the  man  there,  gazing  upon  the 
wreck,  and  take  the  reader  to  the  residence  where 
he  is  expected. 

A  red  -  faced  woman  is  putting  the  finishing 
touches  to  the  supper  table,  and  wondering  why  her 
husband  does  not  come  with  the  oysters.  Presently 
a  noise  as  of  a  lead  pencil  in  the  key-hole  salutes 
her  ear,  and  she  goes  to  the  door  and  opens  it,  and 
tinds  him  taking  the  pencil  out  of  the  key-hole.  Not 
seeing  any  oysters,  she  asks  him  if  he  has  forgotten 
the  oysters. 

%%  Forgot  noth(hic)ing,"  says  he. 

He  walks  up  to  the  table  and  asks  for  ablate, 
which  is  given  him  by  the  unsuspicious  wife. 

"  Damsaccident  you  ever(  hic)see,"  said  the  truly 
good  man,  as  he  brought  his  hand  out  of  his  over- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  133 

coat  pocket,  with  four  oysters,  a  little  smoking  to 
bacco,  a^nd  a  piece  of  cigar-stub. 

"  Slipperysoystersev(hic)er  was,"  said  he,  as  he 
run  his  hands  down  in  the  other  pocket,  bringing 
up  five  oysters,  a  piece  of  envelope,  and  a  piece  of 
wire  that  was  used  as  a  bail  to  the  pail. 

"  Got  all  my  pock(hic)ets  full,''  said  he,  as  he  took 
a  large  oyster  out  of  his  vest  pocket.  Then  he  be 
gan  to  go  down  in  his  pants  pocket,  and  finding  a 
hole  in  it,  he  said  : 

"Six  big  oys(hic)ters  gone  down  my  trousers  leg. 
S'posi'll  find  them  in  my  boot,"  and  he  sat  down  to 
pull  off  his  boot,  when  the  lady  took  the  plate  of  oys 
ters  and  other  stuff  into  the  kitchen  and  threw  them 
in  the  swill,  and  then  she  put  him  to  bed,  and  all  the 
-time  he  was  trying  to  tell  her  how  tbe  bag  busted 
just  as  he  was  in  front  of  All  Saints  Ca(hic)thedral. 


THREE  distinct  charges  of  heresy  will  be  made 
against  Rev.  Dr.  Thomas,  of  Chicago,  at  the  trial 
next  month.  The  amount  of  heresy  that  is  going  on 
in  this  country,  and  particularly  among  ministers, 
is  truly  alarming.  The  names  of  his  partners  in 
guilt  are  not  mentioned,  probably  out  of  respect  for 
their  families.  A  minister  that  goes  around  practic 
ing  heresy  ought  to  be  watched,  and  when  caught 
at  it  he  should  be  bounced.  There  is  no  excuse  for 
heresy,  though  a  minister  will  occasionally  meet  a 
mighty  attractive  her,  but  he  should  say:  "Git  thee 
foreninst  me,  Susan,  and  when  I  have  a  convenient 
season  I  will  send  the  police  after  thee." 


134  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

THERE  should  be  an  amendment  to  the  constitu 
tion  of  the  United  States  making  it  lawful  for  an  ex- 
President  to  walk  on  grass.  We  have  no  great  ad 
miration  for  Hayes,  but  when  we  read  that  at  Cleve 
land  he  was  ordered  off  the  grass  by  a  thirteen  dol 
lar  a  month  soldier,  and  had  to  shin  it  over  a  fence 
real  spry  to  save  the  shoulder  of  his  pants  from  as 
sault  by  a  cheap  bayonet,  it  makes  us  feel  ashamed, 
and  we  blush  for  America.  The  spectacle  of  a  man 
who  has  occupied  the  White  House,  and  been  the 
chief  attraction  of  county  fairs,  being  compelled  to 
put  his  stomach  on  a  fence,  and  flop  over,  heels  over 
appetite,  like  a  boy  playing  tag,  to  keep  from  being 
jabbed  in  a  vital  part,  makes  us  sick. 

THE  NEW  COAL  STOVE. 

WE  never  had  a  coal  stove  around  the  house  until 
last  Saturday.  Have  always  used  pine  slabs  and 
pieces  of  our  neighbor's  fence.  They  burn  well,  too, 
but  the  fence  got  all  burned  up,  and  the  neighbor 
said  he  wouldn't  build  a  new  one,  so  we  went  down 
to  Jones'  and  got  a  coal  stove. 

You  see,  we  didn't  know  anything  about  coal 
stoves.  We  filled  the  stove  about  half  full  of  pine 
fence,  and,  when  the  stuff  got  well  to  going,  we 
filled  the  artesian  well  on  the  top  with  coal,  It  sim 
mered  and  sputtered,  about  five  or  ten  minutes,  and 
all  went  out,  and  we  put  on  an  overcoat  and  a  pair 
of  buckskin  mittens  and  "went  out  too"— to  supper. 
We  remarked,  in  the  course  of  the  frugal  meal,  that 
Jones  was  a  "froad"  for  recommending  such  a  con 
founded  refrigerator  to  a  man  to  get  warm  by. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  135 

After  supper  we  took  a  piece  of  ice  and  rubbed  our 
hands  warm,  and  went  in  where  that  stove  was,  re 
solved  to  make  her  draw  and  burn  if  it  took  all  the 
pine  fence  in  the  First  Ward.  Our  better-half  threw 
a  quilt  over  her,  and  shiveringly  remarked  that  she 
never  knew  what  real  solid  comfort  was  until  she 
got  a  coal  stove. 

Stung  by  the  sarcasm  in  her  remark,  we  turned 
every  dingus  on  the  stove  that  was  movable,  or 
looked  like  it  had  anything  to  do  with  the  draft,  and 
pretty  soon  the  stove  began  to  heave  up  heat.  It  was 
not  long  before  she  stuttered  like  the  new  Silsby 
steamer.  Talk  about  your  heat!  In  ten  minutes 
that  room  was  as  much  worse  than  a  Turkish  bath 
as  Hades  is  hotter  than  Liverman's  ice-house.  The 
perspiration  fairly  fried  out  of  a  tin  water  cooler  in 
the  next  room.  We  opened  the  doors,  and  snow  be 
gan  to  melt  as  far  up  Vine  street  as  Hanscombe's 
house,  and  people  all  round  the  neighborhood  put  on 
linen  clothes.  And  we  couldn't  stop  the  confounded 
thing. 

We  forgot  what  Jones  told  us  about  the  dampers, 
and  she  kept  a  biling.  The  only  thing  we  could  do 
was  to  go  to  bed,  and  leave  the  thing  to  burn  the. 
house  up  if  it  wanted  to.  We  stood  off  with  a  pole 
and  turned  the  damper  every  way,  and  at  every 
turn  she  just  sent  out  heat  enough  to  roast  an  ox. 
We  went  to  bed,  supposing  that  the  coal  would 
eventually  burn  out,  but  about  12  o'clock  the  whole 
family  had  to  get  up  and  sit  on  the  fence. 

Finally  a  man  came  along  who  had  been  brought 
up  among  coal  stoves,  and  he  put  a  wet  blanket  over 
him  and  crept  up  to  the  stove  and  turned  the  proper 
dingus,  and  she  cooled  off,  and  since  that  time  has 


136  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

been  just  as  comfortable  as  possible.  If  you  buy  a 
coal  stove  you  want  to  learn  how  to  engineer  it,  or 
you  may  get  roasted. 

A  COLD,  CHEERLESS  BIDE. 

PROBABLY  the  most  cold-blooded  affair  that  ever 
occurred  took  place  at  a  certain  summer  resort  a 
couple  of  weeks  ago.  There  was  going  to  be  a  pic 
nic,  and  a  young  man  and  the  girl  he  was  engaged 
to  be  married  to  started  in  a  row-boat  to  cross  the 
lake,  taking  an  ice  cream  freezer  full  of  frozen  ice 
cream  for  the  picnic.  Just  before  arriving  at  the 
picnic  the  boat  capsized.  The  boat  was  bottom  side 
up,  and  the  young  man  helped  the  girl  on  to  the  ice 
cream  freezer,  and  he  got  on  the  boat,  and  after 
floating  for,  half  an  hour  they  were  rescued. 

The  girl  did  not  complain  at  the  time  she  was  put 
on  the  freezer,  as  she  was  glad  enough  to  get  on 
anything  that  would  float,  but  after  they  got  ashore, 
and  she  had  a  chance  to  reflect  on  the  matter,  and 
talk  with  the  other  girls,  she  concluded  that  his  get 
ting  on  the  boat,  which  was  nice  and  warm,  and 
putting  her  aboard  the  ice  cream  freezer,  which  was 
so  cold  and  cheerless,  was  a  breach  of  etiquette  that 
would  stamp  any  man  as  being  a  selfish,  heartless 
villain,  and  she  refuses  to  speak  to  him,  and  has  de 
clared  the  engagement  off. 

*He  is  very  much  mortified  over  the  affair,  and 
tries  to  explain  that  he  was  more  accustomed  to  a 
boat  than  she  was,  while  he  reasoned  that  she  would 
naturally  be  more  familiar  with  an  ice  cream  freezer. 
It  certainly  looks  to  us  to  have  been  a  cold-blooded 
transaction,  and  while  the  young  man  might  have 


PECK  S   SUNSHINE.  *          137 

been  rattled,  and  powerless  to  grasp  the  situation  as 
he  would  if  he  had  it  to  do  over  again,  the  girl  is 
certainly  justified  in  being  indignant. 

An  ice  cream  freezer  is  a  cold  and  cheerless  com 
panion  even  when  empty,  but  filled  with  congealed 
cream  and  pounded  ice,  and  in  water,  it  cannot  but 
have  been  an  Arctic  exploration  on  a  small  scale. 
Besides  the  ice,  it  is  a  notorious  fact  that  ice  cream 
freezers  are  made  of  zinc,  the  coldest  metal  in  the 
world,  if  we  bar  women's  feet. 

"  Sheridan's  Ride"  has  been  spoken  of  in  poetry 
and  in  song,  but  it  pales  into  insignificance  by  the 
side  of  this  girl's  ride  on  the  ice  cream  freezer.  If 
the  young  man  had  exhibited  foresight,  and  had  a 
side  saddle  buckled  on  to  the  ice  cream  freezer,  the 
experience  would  have  been  robbed  of  much  of  its 
frigidity,  or  if  there  had  been  a  thick  blanket  under 
the  saddle,  but  he  failed  to  take  even  that  precaution. 

As  it  is  we  do  not  blame  the  girl  for  breaking  off 
the  engagement.  In  addition,  we  think  any  court 
would  decide  that  he  should  pay  for  the  ginger  tea 
and  cough  lozenges  ^hat  she  had  to  take  to  cure  her 
cold. 

SOME  TALK  ABOUT  MONOPOLIES. 

WE  know  it  is  fashionable  for  people  to  talk  about 
the  great  monopolies,  the  railroads,  and  show  how 
they  are  sapping  the  life-blood  from  the  farmers  by 
arranging  facilities  for  transporting  wheat  worth 
forty  cents  a  bushel  in  store  pay,  without  railroads, 
to  a  market  where  the  farmer  realizes  nearly  a  dol 
lar  a  bushel  in  cash. 


138  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Demagogues  ring  the  changes  on  these  monopo 
lies,  tell  how  the  directors  ride  in  palace  cars  and 
drink  wine,  from  the  proceeds  of  the  millions  of  dol 
lars  invested  in  railroads,  though  they  never  men 
tion  the  fact  that  the  railroads  have  made  it  possi 
ble  for  farmers  to  give  up  driving  ox  teams  and  ride 
after  horses  that  can  trot  in  2:40. 

We  presume  that  railroad  managers  like  to  get  a 
pretty  good  dividend  on  their  investments,  but  do 
they  get  a  better  dividend  than  farmers  do  on  some 
of  their  investments?  Do  you  know  of  any  farmer 
that  ever  complained  that  his  produce  was  selling 
too  high?  If  you  complain  at  paying  eight  dollars 
for  a  jag  of  crow's  nest  wood  during  a  snow  block 
ade,  does  he  argue  with  you,  to  show  that  he  is  a 
monopoly,  or  does  he  tell  you  that  if  you  don't  want 
the  wood  you  needn't  have  it? 

Now,  talking  of  railroad  men  manipulating  stock, 
and  taking  advantage  of  a  raise,  how  is  it  about 
eggs?  Within  the  last  two  months  there  has  been 
the  worst  corner  on  eggs  that  the  world  has  ever 
seen,  and  the  dividends  that  farmers  have  received 
on  their  investments  have  been  so  enormous  that 
they  must  blush  for  shame,  unless  they  are  a  soul 
less  corporation. 

Now,  for  instance,  a  farmer  paid  twenty-five  cents 
for  a  good  average  hen  the  1st  of  December.  Before 
the  1st  of  February  that  hen  has  laid  five  dozen 
eggs,  which  are  worth  two  dollars  and  a  half.  Take 
out  five  cents  for  feed,  two  cents  for  the  society  that 
the  hen  has  enjoyed,  and  there  is  a  clear  profit  of 
two  dollars  and  forty-three  cents,  and  the  farmer 
has  got  the  hen  left.  Did  any  railroad  wrecker  ever 
make  a  greater  percentage  than  that?  Talk  about 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  139 

watering  stock,  is  it  any  worse  than  feeding  a  hen, 
to  make  her  lay  four-shilling  eggs? 

We  have  it  from  good  authority  that  some  farm 
ers  have  actually  gone  so  far  as  to  bribe  legislators 
with  eggs,  to  prevent  their  passing  any  law  fixing 
a  rate  for  the  sale  of  eggs.  This  is  a  serious  charge, 
•and  we  do  not  vouch  for  it.  It  is  probable  that  farm 
ers  who  are  sharp  enough  to  get  a  corner  on  eggs, 
by  which  they  can  be  run  up  to  a  fictitious  value,  are 
sharp  enough  not  to  lay  themselves  liable  for  bribery 
by  giving  eggs  directly  to  the  members,  but  there 
are  ways  to  avoid  that.  They  can  send  them  to  the 
residences  of  the  members,  where  they  are  worth 
their  weight  in  gold  almost. 

Rich  railroad  owners  have  submitted  to  this  soul 
less  monopoly  of  the  egg  business  as  long  as  they 
can,  and  we  learn  that  they  have  organized  a  state 
grange,  with  grips  and  pass  words,  and  will  institute 
subordinate  lodges  all  over  the  State  to  try  and 
break  up  this  vile  business  that  is  sapping  their  life- 
blood.  Already  a  bill  has  been  prepared  for  intn> 
duction  into  the  legislature  to  prohibit  any  manipu 
lation  of  the  egg  market  in  the  future.  "Shall  the 
farmers  of  the  State  be  allowed  to  combine  with 
hens  and  roosters  and  create  a  famine  in  eggs,  an 
article  of  food  on  which  so  many  people  rely  to  keep 
soul  and  body  together?"  they  ask. 

Our  heart  has  bled,  in  the  last  sixty  days,  as  well 
as  our  pocket-book,  while  studying  this  question. 
We  have  seen  men  of  wealth  going  about  the  streets 
crying  for  an  egg  to  cool  their  parched  tongues,  and 
they  have  been  turned  away  eggless,  and  gone  to 
their  palatial  homes  only  to  suffer  untold  agonies, 
the  result  of  these  unholy  alliances  between  farmers 


140  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

and  hens.  They  have  tossed  sleeplessly  on  their 
downy  beds,  wondering  if  there  was  no  balm  in 
Gilead,  no  rooster  there.  They  have  looked  in  vain 
for  compassion  on  the  part  of  the  farmers,  who  have 
only  laughed  at  their  sufferings,  and  put  up  the  price 
of  eggs. 

The  time  has  arrived  for  action  on  the  part  of  the 
wealthy  consumers  of  eggs,  and  we  are  glad  the 
State  grange  has  been  formed.  Let  a  few  determined 
men  get  together  in  every  community,  and  swear 
by  the  bald-headed  profit  that  they  will  put  down 
this  hen  monopoly  or  die,  and  after  they  have  sworn, 
let  them  send  to  us  for  a  charter  for  a  lodge— enclos 
ing  two  dollars  in  advance — and  we  will  forward  to 
them  the  ritual  of  the  order. 

If  this  thing  is  allowed  to  go  on  for  five  years 
these  farmers  will  be  beyond  the  power  of  the  gov 
ernment  to  control.  This  is  a  grave  question,  and 
if  the  wealthy  people  do  not  get  relief  we  might  as 
well  bid  farewell  to  our  American  institutions,  as 
the  liberty  for  which  our  forefathers  fought  will  not 
be  worth  paying  taxes  for. 


THERE  is  no  person  in  the  world  who  is  easier  to 
overlook  the  inconsistencies  that  show  themselves 
on  the  stage  at  theatres  than  we  are,  but  once  in  a 
while  there  is  something  so  glaring  that  it  pains  us. 
We  have  seen  actors  fight  a  duel  in  a  piece  of  woods 
far  'away  from  any  town,  on  the  stage,  and  when 
one  of  them  fell,  pierced  to  the  heart  with  a  sword, 
we  have  noticed  that  he  fell  on  a  Brussels  carpet. 
That  is  all  wrong,  but  we  have  stood  it  manfully. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  141 

We  have  seen  a  woman  on  the  stage  who  was  so 
beautiful  that  we  could  be  easily  mashed  if  we  had 
any  heart  left  to  spare.  Her  eyes  were  of  that 
heavenly  color  that  has  been  written  about  hereto 
fore,  and  her  smile  as  sweet  as  ever  was  seen,  but 
behind  the  scenes,  through  the  wings,  we  have  seen 
her  trying  to  dig  the  cork  out  of  a  beer  bottle  with  a 
pair  of  shears,  aiid«ask  a  supe,  in  harsh  tones,  where 
the  cork-screw  was,  while  she  spread  mustard  on  a 
piece  of  cheese,  and  finally  drank  the  beer  from  the 
bottle,  and  spit  the  pieces  of  cork  out  on  the  floor, 
sitting  astride  of  a  stage  chair,  and  her  boot  heels 
up  on  the  top  round,  her  trail  rolled  up  into  a  ball, 
wrong  'side  out,  showing  dirt  from  forty  different 
stage  floors. 

These  things  hurt.  But  the  worst  thing  that  has 
ever  occurred  to  knock  the  romance  out  of  us,  was 
to  see  a  girl  in  the  second  act,  after  '  'twelve  years 
is  supposed  to  elapse,"  with  the  same  pair  of  red 
stockings  on  that  she  wore  in  the  first  act,  twelve 
years  before.  Now,  what  kind  of  a  way  is  that?  It 
does  not  stand  to  reason  that  a  girl  would  wear  the 
same  pair  of  stockings  twelve  years.  Even  if  she 
had  them  washed  once  in  six  months,  they  would  be 
worn  out.  People  notice  these  things. 

What  the  actresses  of  this  country,  need  is  to 
change  their  stockings.  To  wear  them  twelve  years, 
even  in  their  minds,  shows  an  inattention  to  the  de 
tails  and  probabilities  of  a  play,  that  must  do  the 
actresses  an  injury,  if  not  give  them  corns.  Let 
theatre-goers  insist  that  the  stockings  be  changed 
oftener.  in  these  plays  that  sometimes  cover  half  a 
century,  and  the  stockings  will  not  become  moth- 


142  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

eaten.  Girls,  look  to  the  little  details.  Look  to  the 
stockings,  as  your  audiences  do,  and  you  will  see 
how  it  is  yourselves. 

A  BALD-HEADED  MAN  MOST  CRAZY. 

LAST  Wednesday  the  bell  to  our  telephone  rung 
violently  at  8  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  when  we 
put  our  ear  to  the  earaphone,  and  our  mouth  to  the 
mouthaphone,  and  asked  what  was  the  matter,  a 
still  small  voice,  evidently  that  of  a  lady,  said, 
"Julia  has  got  worms,  doctor." 

We  were  somewhat  taken  back,  but  supposing 
Julia  was  going  fishing,  we  were  just  going  to  tell 
her  not  to  forget  to  spit  on  her  bait,  when  a  male 
voice  said,  "O,  go  to  the  devil,  will  you?"  We 
couldn't  tell  whose  voice  it  was,  but  it  sounded  like 
the  clerk  at  the  Plankinton  House,  and  we  sat  down. 

There  is  no  man  who  will  go  further  to  accommo 
date  a  friend  than  we  will,  but  by  the  great  ethereal 
there  are  some  things  we  will  not  do  to  please  any 
body.  As  we  sat  and  meditated,  the  bell  rung  once 
more,  and  then  we  knew  the  wires  had  got  tangled, 
and  that  we  were  going  to  have  trouble  all  day.  It 
was  a  busy  day,  too,  and  to  have  a  bell  ringing  be 
side  one's  ear  all  day  is  no  fun. 

The  telephone  is  a  blessed  thing  when  it  is  healthy, 
but  when  its  liver  is  out  of  order  it  is  the  worst  nuis 
ance  on  record.  When  it  is  out  of  order  that  way 
you  can  hear  lots  of  conversation  that  you  are  not 
entitled  to.  For  instance,  we  answered  the  bell  af 
ter  it  had  rung  several  times,  and  a  sweet  little  fe 
male  voice  said,  "Are  you  going  to  receive  to-mor 
row?"  We  answered  that  we  were  going  to  receive 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  143 

all  the  time.  Then  she  asked  what  made  us  so 
hoarse?  We  told  her  that  we  had  sat  in  a  draft 
from  the  bank,  and  it  made  the  cold  chills  run  over 
us  to  pay  it.  That  seemed  to  be  satisfactory,  and 
then  she  began  to  tell  us  what  she  was  going  to 
wear,  and  asked  if  we  thought  it  was  going  to  be  too 
cold  to  wear  a  low  neck  dress  and  elbow  sleeves. 
We  told  her  that  was  what  we  were  going  to  wear, 
and  then  she  began  to  complain  that  her  new  dress 
was  too  tight  in  various  places  that  she  mentioned, 
and  when  the  boys  picked  us  up  off  the  floor  and 
bathed  our  temples,  and  we  told  them  to  take  her 
away,  they  thought  we  were  crazy. 

If  we  have  done  wrong  in  talking  with  a  total 
stranger,  who  took  us  for  a  lady  friend,  we  are  will 
ing  to  die.  We  couldn't  help  it.  For  an  hour  we 
would  not  answer  the  constant  ringing  of  the  bell, 
but  finally  the  bell  fluttered  as  though  a  tiny  bird 
had  lit  upon  the  wire  and  was  shaking  its  plumage. 
It  was  not  a  ring,  but  it  was  a* tune,  as  though  an 
angel,  about  eighteen  years  old,  a  blonde  angel,  was 
handling  the  other  end  of  the  transmitter,  and  we 
felt  as  though  it  was  wrong  for  us  to  sit  and  keep 
her  in  suspense,  when  she  was  evidently  dying  to 
pour  into  our  auricular  appendage  remarks  that  we 
ought  to  hear. 

And  still  the  bell  did  flut.  We  went  to  the  cornu 
copia,  put  our  ear  to  the  toddy  stick  and  said,  "What 
ailest  thou  darling,  why  dost  thy  hand  tremble? 
Whisper  all  thou  feelest  to  thine  old  baldy."  Then 
there  came  over  the  wire  and  into  our  mansard  by  a 
side  window  the  following  touching  remarks:  "Mat 
ter  enough.  I  have  been  ringing  here  till  I  have 
blistered  my  hands.  We  have  got  to  have  ten  car 


144  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

v 

loads  of  hogs  by  day  after  to-morrow  or  shut  down." 
Then  there  was  a  stuttering,  and  then  another  voice 
said,  "Go  over  to  Loomis'  pawn  shop.  A  man  shot 
in" — and  another  voice  broke  in,  singing,  "The 
sweet  by  and  by,  we  shall  meet  on  that  beautiful"- 
and  another  voice  said — "girl  I  ever  saw.  She  was 
riding  with  a  duffer,  and  wiped  her  nose  as  I  drove 
by  in  the  street  car,  and  I  think  she  is  struck  after 
me." 

It  was  evident  that  the  telephone  was  drunk,  and 
we  went  out  in  the  hall  and  wrote  on  a  barrel  all 
the  afternoon,  and  gave  it  full  possession  of  the  of 
fice. 


MR.  PECK  was  recently  extended  an  invitation  to 
be  present  at  a  meeting  of  the  Iowa  Commercial 
Travelers'  Association,  at  Des  Moines,  and  respond 
to  the  toast:  "Our  Wives  and  Sweethearts,  and  Lit 
tle  Ones  at  Home."  He  couldn't  be  present,  but  he 
responded  all  the  same,  in  the  following  manner: 

"  That  is  the  sweetest  toast  that  man  was  ever 
called  upon  to  respond  to.  Very  few  traveling  men, 
who  have  good  wives,  loving  sweethearts,  and  dear 
little  children  at  home,  sending  loving  messages  to 
them,  often  ever  stray  very  far  from  the  straight 
and  narrow  path.  There  is  no  class  of  men  on  earth 
that  has  greater  temptations  and  better  opportuni 
ties  to  be  'cusses  on  wheels'  than  the  traveling  men 
of  the  Northwest;  and  when  I  say  that  they  stand 
up  under  it  a  confounded  sight  better  than  the  same 
number  of  ministers  or  editors  would,  I  don't  want 
you  to  think  I  am  giving  you  any  confectionery 
from  my  sample  case. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  145 

«  * 

rv 

"Through  snows  of  winter,  mud  of  spring  and 
fall,  and  heat  of  summer,  the  traveling  man  makes 
his  connections  and  sends  in  his  orders,  and  seems 
to  enjoy  religion  with  the  best  of  them.  But  the 
happiest  days  for  him  and  the  shortest  are  those  he 
spends  at  home  with  his  wife,  the  children  or  sweet 
heart.  There  can  he  more  tears  brought  to  the  eyes 
of  the  traveling  man  by  a  little  child  putting  its 
arms  around  his  neck  and  saying,  'My  dear,  precious 
papa/  than  could  be  brought  out  by  any  other  press 
I  know  of,  however  powerful. 

"  I  know  there  is  occasionally  a  traveling  man 
who  always  has  his  sign  out  ready  to  be  mashed, 
but  he  never  neglects  his  business  for  any  foolish 
ness.  He  would  leave  the  finest  country  flirt  that 
ever  winked  a  wink  to  sell  a  bill  of  brown  sugar  on 
sixty  days'  time. 

"It  is  said  that  the  average  traveling  man  will 
keep  a  whole  seat  in  a  car,  and  never  offer  to  give 
half  of  it  to  a  man,  when,  if  a  handsome  woman 
comes  in,  he  will  fly  around  and  divide  with  her. 
Well,  who  the  deuce  wouldn't?  That  shows  that  his 
heart  is  in  the  right  place.  A  man  can  go  into  the 
smoking  car  and  sit  on  the  wood  box,  but  a  woman 
has  got  to  sit  down,  at  least  that  is  the  way  I  should 
explain  it. 

Boys,  may  the  trips  become  shorter  each  year,  and 
the  visits  to  the  dear  ones  at  home  be  extended,  so 
that  in  time  you  may  be  detailed  to  stay  at  home  al 
ways,  with  an  increase  of  salary  or  an  interest  in 
the  business;  and,  I  am  sure,  when  the  time  comes 
you  will  be  the  happiest  fellows  that  ever  had  thou 
sand  mile  tickets  punched,  and  when  your  time 
comes  to  attend  the  grand  banquet  above,  and  you 


146  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

appear  before  St.  Peter  at  the  gate,  and  begin  to 
open  up  your  samples,  he  will  simply  look  at  your 
business  card  and  turn  to  the  clerk  and  say,  'Give 
these  boys  all  front  rooms,  and  see  that  there  is  a 
fire  escape  and  plenty  ot  towels,  and  that  the  rooms 
are  aired,  and  then  step  down  to  the  box  office  and 
reserve  them  some  seats  for  the  sacred  concert  this 
evening.  Pass  right  in  now  and  get  a  check  for 
your  overshoes.'" 

ACCIDENTS  AND  INCIDENTS  AT  THEATRES. 

SOMETIMES  our  heart  bleeds  for  actors  and  actress 
es,  when  we  think  what  they  have  to  go  through 
with.  The  other  night  at  Watertown,  N.  Y.,  Miss 
Ada  Gray  was  playing  "Camille,"  and  in  the  dying 
scene,  where  she  breathes  her  last,  to  slow  music, 
an  accident  occurred  which  broke  her  all  up.  She 
was  surrounded  by  sorrowing  friends,  who  were  try 
ing  to  do  everything  to  make  it  pleasant  for  her,  when 
the  bed  on  which  she  was  dying,— an  impromptu 
sort  of  a  bed  got  up  by  the  stage  carpenter,— tipped 
partly  over,  and  the  dying  woman  rolled  over  on 
the  stage,  tipped  over  a  wash-stand  filled  with  tum- 
.blers  and  bottles  of  medicine,  and  raised  a  deuce  of 
a  row.  It  would  have  been  all  right,  and  she  could 
have  propped  the  bed  up  and  proceeded  with  her 
dying,  had  not  the  actress  got  rattled. 

Most  actresses  get  lost  entirely  when  anything  oc 
curs  that  is  not  in  the  play,  and  Miss  Gray  was  the 
scaredest  female  that  ever  lived.  She  thought  it 
•was  a  judgment  on  her  for  playing  a  dying  charac 
ter,  and  thought  the  whole  theatre  had  been  struck 
by  lightning,  and  was  going  to  fall  down.  To  save 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  147 

herself  was  her  first  thought,  so  she  grabbed  her 
night-dress, — which  was  embroidered  up  and  down 
the  front,  and  had  point  lace  on  the  yoke  of  the 
sleeves, — in  both  hands  and  started  for  the  orches 
tra,  the  wildest  corpse  that  ever  lived. 

The  leader  of  the  orchestra  caught  her,  but  not 
being  an  undertaker  he  did  not  undertake  to  hold 
her,  and  she  fell  over  the  bass  viol  and  run  one  foot* 
through  the  snare  drum,  and  grasping  the  fiddle  for 
a  life-preserver  she  jumped  into  the  raging  scenery 
back  of  the  stage  which  represented  a  sea. 

They  had  to  pull  her  out  with  boat-hooks,  and  it 
was  half  an  hour  before  she  could  be  induced  to  go 
to  bed  again  and  proceed  with  her  dying. 

Actresses  are  often  annoyed  at  the  remarks  made 
by  foolish  fellows  in  the  audience.  A  remark  by  a 
person  in  the  audience  always  causes  people  to 
laugh,  whether  the  speaker  says  anything  smart 
or  not. 

Recently,  in  the  play  of  "Cinderella  at  School,"  a 
girl  came  out  with  a  sheet  over  her.  as  a  ghost,  to 
frighten  a  young  fellow  who  was  "mashed"  on  her. 
He  looked  at  the  ghost  for  a  moment,  and  kept  on 
lighting  his  cigarette,  when  a.galloot  up  in  the  gal 
lery  said,  so  everybody  could  hear  it,  "He  don't 
scare  worth  a  damn  !"  and  the  audience  went  fairly 
wild,  while  the  pretty  girl  stood  there  and  blushed 
as  though  her  heart  would  break. 
<£>uch  things  are  wrong. 

Probably  one  of  the  meanest  tricks  that  was  ever 
played  was  played  on  Mary  Anderson.  It  will 
be  remembered  that  in  the  play  of  "Ingomar,"  Par- 
thenia  and  the  barbarian  have  several  love  scenes, 
where  they  lop  on  each  other  and  hug  some— that  is, 


148  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

not  too  much  hugging,  but  just  hugging  enough. 
Ingomar  wears  a  huge  fur  garment,  made  of  lion's 
skin,  or  something.  One  day  he  noticed  that  the 
moths  were  getting  into  it,  and  he  told  his  servant 
to  see  about  the  moths,  and  drive  them  out.  The 
servant  got  some  insect  powder  and  blowed  the  hair 
of  the  garment  full  of  it,  and  scrubbed  the  inside  of 
it  with  benzine. 

Ingomar  put  it  on  just  before  he  went  on  the 
stage,  and  thought  it  didn't  smell  just  right,  but  he 
had  no  time  to  inquire  into  it.  He  had  not  got  fairly 
in  his  position,  before  Parthenia  came  out  on  a  hop, 
skip  and  jump,  and  threw  herself  all  over  him.  She 
got  one  lung  full  of  insect  powder,  and  the  other 
full  of  benzine,  and  as  she  said,  "  Wilt  always  love 
me,  Ingomar  ?"  she  dropped  her  head  over  his  shoul- 
ner,  and  said  in  an  aside,  "For  the  love  of  heaven, 
what  have  you  been  drinking  ?"  and  then  sneezed  a 
couple  times. 

Ingomar  held  her  up  the  best  he  could,  consider 
ing  that  his  nose  was  full  of  insect  powder,  and  he 
answered  : 

"  I  wilt  ":  and  then  he  said  to  her  quietly  : 

"  Damfino  what  it  is  that  smells  so  !" 

They  went  on  with  the  play  between  sneezes,  and 
when  the  curtain  went  down  she  told  Ingomar  to  go 
out  and  shake  hknself ,  which  he  did. 

It  was  noticed  in  the  next  act  that  Ingomar  had  a 
linen  duster  on,  and  Mary  snoze  no  more. 

There  was  another  mean  trick  played  on  a  come 
dian  a  short  time  ago.  In  one  of  the  plays  he  comes 
into  a  room  as  a  tramp,  and  asks  for  something  to 
drink.  There  is  nothing  to  drink,  and  he  asks  if  he 
may  drink  the  kerosene  in  the  lamp,  which  is  on  the 


PECK'S   SUNSHINE. 


149 


table  unlighted.  The  lamp  has  been  filled  with  beer, 
and  when  he  is  told  that  he  can  slake  his  thirst  at 
the  lamp,  he  unscrews  the  top,  takes  out  the  wick, 


NEATS    FOOT    OIL    FOB    ONE. 


and  drinks  the  contents.     Everybody   laughs,  and 
the  idea  is  a  good  one. 


150  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

At  Chicago,  recently,  some  friend  took  out  the 
beer  and  filled  the  lamp  with  a  liquid  of  the  same 
color,  but  the  most  sickish  tasting  stuff  that  ever 
was.  The  comedian  drank  about  three  swallows  of 
the  neatsfoot  oil  before  he  got  onto  the  joke,  and 
then  he  flew  around  like  a  dog  that  had  been  poi 
soned,  and  went  off  the  stage  saying  something  like 
"Noo  Yoick." 

He  has  agreed  to  kill  the  fellow  that  loaded  that 
lamp  for  him. 

ALL  ABOUT  A   SANDWICH. 

THE  time  for  getting  to  the  Michigan  Central 
depot  at  Chicago  was  so  limited  that  no  regularly 
prepared  supper  could  be  secured,  and  so  it  was 
necessary  to  take  a  sandwich  at  the  central  depot. 
There  has  been  great  improvement  made  in  the 
sandwiches  furnished  in  Chicago,  in  the  last  ten 
years.  In  1870  it  was  customary  to  encase  the  sand 
wiches  in  pressed  sole  leather.  The  leather  was 
prepared  by  a  process  only  known  to  a  Prussian, 
and  the  bread  and  ham  were  put  in  by  hydraulic 
pressure,  and  the  hole  soldered  up. 

About  four  years  ago,  the  Prussian  who  had  the 
secret  said  something  unkind  to  a  pitcher  of  a  base 
ball  club,  and  the  pitcher  took  up  one  of  the  sand 
wiches  and  pitched  it  curved  at  the  Prussian's  eye. 
His  funeral  was  quite  largely  attended,  considering 
that  he  was  a  man  who  was  retiring,  and  who  made 
few  acquaintances;  but  the  secret  of  making  the 
soles  and  uppers  of  railroad  sandwiches  died  with 
him. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  151 

It  was  about  this  time  that  corrugated  iron 
shutters  were  invented,  and  that  material  was  at 
once  utilized  to  make  lids  for  sandwiches,  while  the 
under  jaw  of  the  appetite-destroying  substance  was 
made  of  common  building  paper,  the  whole'varnished 
with  neats  foot  oil,  and  kiln  dried  in  a  lime  kiln. 

Our  object  in  eating  one  of  the  sandwiches,  was  to 
transfer,  if  possible,  the  headache  to  the  stomach, 
on  the  principle  that  the  quack  doctor  cured  a 
patient  of  paralysis  by  throwing  him  into  fits,  claim 
ing  that  he  was  not  much  on  paralysis,  but  he  was 
hell  on  fits.  The  entrance  of  the  piece  of  sandwich 
into  the  stomach — that  is,  the  small  pieces  that  we 
were  able  to  blast  off  with  the  imperfect  appliances 
at  hand  in  the  tool  box  of  a  wrecking  car — was 
signaled  by  the  worst  rebellion  that  has  been  wit 
nessed  in  this  country  since  1860.  The  stomach, 
liver,  lungs,  spleen  and  other  patent  insides  got  up 
an  indignation  meeting,  with  the  stomach  in  the 
chair.  In  calling  the  meeting  to  order  the  stomach 
said  unaccostumed  as  it  was  to.  public  speaking,  it 
felt  as  though  the  occasion  demanded  a  protest,  and 
that  in  no  uncertain  tone,  against  the  habit  the  boss 
had  of  slinging  anything  into  the  stomach  that 
came  in  his  way,  without  -stopping  to  consider  the 
effect  on  the  internals. 

The  chair  remarked  that  it  had  heretofore  had  a 
good  many  hard  doses  to  take,  notably,  army  bacon, 
and  later  some  black  bread  that  the  boss  had  shoved 
in  while  hunting  out  in  Minnesota  in  1876,  and 
again  last  year  when  a  pan  full  of  beans  from  Bill 
/Wall's  Wolf  river  boom  boarding  house  was  sent 
down  without  any  introduction,  the  stomach  said  it 
had  felt  like  throwing  up  the  "sponge,"  and  draw- 


152  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

ing  out  of  the  game,  but  it  had  thought  better  of  it, 
and  had  gone  on  trying  to  digest  things  till  now. 
But  this  last  outrage,  this  Chicago  sandwich,  was 
too  much. 

"See  here,"  says  the  stomach,  holding  up  a  piece 
of  the  iron  lid  of  the  sandwich  so  the  liver  could  see 
it,  "  what  kind  of  a  junk  shop  does  he  take  this 
place  for  ?" 

The  liver  got  the  floor  and  suggested  that  the 
stomach  was  making  a  terrible  fuss  about  a  little 
thing,  and  told  the  stomach  it  had  evidently  for 
gotten  the  good  things  that  had  been  sent  down 
from  above  in  times  gone  by. 

"You  seem  to  forget,"  says  the  liver,  becoming 
warmed  up,  "  the  banquets  the  boss  never  fails  to 
attend,  the  nice  dinners  he  sometimes  gets  at  home, 
and  the  wild  canvas-back  duck  he  sends  down  when 
he  goes  to  Lake  Koshkonong,  as  well  as  the  Palmer 
House  dinners  that  occasionally  surprise  us.  I  move 
that  the  stomach  be  reprimanded  for  kicking  and 
trying  to  get  up  a  f  muss,  and  that  this  meeting 
adjourn  and  we  all  go  about  our  business." 

The  stomach  tried  to  get  in  a  word  edgewise,  but 
it  was  of  no  use,  and  the  thing  was  about  to  break 
up  in  a  row,  when  we  went  to  sleep  in  one  of  the 
elegarrt  Michigan  Central  sleepers,  and  in  the  morn 
ing  the  stomach  was  coaxing  for  something  more, 
and  didn't  seem  to  care  what  it  was. 

TWO  GIRLS  AT  A  PICNIC. 

No  YOUNG  man  should  ever  take  two  girls  to  a  pic 
nic.  We  don't  care  how  attractive  the  girls  are,  or 
how  enterprising  a  boy  is,  or  how  expansive  or  far- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.          .  153 

reaching  a  mind  he  has.  he  cannot  do  justice  to  the 
subject  if  he  has  two  girls.  There  will  be  a  clashing 
of  interests  that  no  young  boy  in  his  gosling-hood,  as 
most  boys  are  when  they  take  two  girls  to  a  picnic, 
has  the  diplomacy  to  prevent. 

If  we  start  the  youth  of  the  land  out  right  in  the 
first  place,  they  will  be  all  right,  but  if  they  start 
out  by  taking  two  girls  to  a  picnic  their  whole  lives 
are  liable  to  become  acidulated,  and  they  will  grow 
up  hating  themselves. 

If  a  young  man  is  good  natured  and  tries  to  do  the 
fair  thirrg,  and  a  picnic  is  got  up,  there  is  always 
some  old  back  number  of  a  girl  who  has  no  fellow 
who  wants  to  go,  and  the  boys,  after  they  all  get 
girls  and  buggies  engaged,  will  canvass  among 
themselves  to  see  who  will  take  this  extra  girl,  and 
it  always  falls  to  this  good  natured  young  man.  He 
says  of  course  there  is  room  for  three  in  the  buggy. 

Sometimes  he  thinks  maybe  this  old  girl  can  be 
utilized  to  drive  the  horse,  and  then  he  can  converse 
with  his  own  sweet  girl  with  both  hands,  but  in  such 
a  moment  as  ye  think  not  he  finds  that  the  extra 
girl  is  afraid  of  horses,  dare  not  drive,  and  really 
requires  some  holding  to  keep  her  nerves  quiet.  He 
tries  to  drive  with  one  hand  and  console  his  good 
girl,  who  is  a  little  cross  at  the  turn  affairs  have 
taken,  with  the  other,  but  it  is  a  failure,  anH  finally 
his  good  girl  says  she  will  drive,  and  then  he  has  to 
put  an  arm  around  them  both,  which  gives  more  or 
less  dissatisfaction  the  best  way  you  can  fix  it. 

If  we  had  a  boy  who  didn't  seem  to  have  any  more 
sense  than  to  make  a  hat  rack  of  himself  to  hang 
girls  on  in  a  buggy,  we  should  labor  with  him  and 
tell  him  of  the  agonies  we  had  experienced  in  youth 


154  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

when  the  boys  palmed  off  two  girls  on  us  to  take  to 
a  country  picnic,  and  we  believe  we  can  do  no  greater 
favor  to  the  young  men  just  entering  the  picnic  of 
life  than  to  impress  upon  them  the  importance  of 
doing  one  thing  at  a  time,  and  doing  it  well. 


A  YOUNG  couple  from  Green  county  stopped  at  a 
Janesville  hotel  on  their  wedding  tour,  and  when 
they  went  to  bed  they  were  in  a  hurry  and  blew  out 
the  gas  instead  of  turning  it  off.  In  the  night  a  ter 
rible  smell  was  heard  around  the  house,  and  suspi 
cion  naturally  pointed  to  the  bridal  chamber.  The 
door  was  pounded  on  but  there  was  no  response,  and 
the  people  feared  the  young  folks  had  gone  to 
heaven,  so  the  door  was  broken  down.  They  had 
not  gone  to  heaven,  but  they  were  both  senseless, 
and  were  dragged  out  into  the  open  air,  with  little 
ceremony  and  less  clothes.  They  were"  brought  out 
of  the  stupor,  when  they  looked  at  each  other  in  a 
reproachful  manner,  and  as  they  pulled  on  their 
clothes  they  each  acted  as  though  if  they  had  known 
the  horrors  of  married  life  they  would  have  re 
mained  single  all  their  lives. 

GOODWILL  AND  COMPASSION. 

THE  Duchess  of  Marlborough,  who  has  charge  of 
the  fund  that  is  being  distributed  to  certain  portions 
of  Ireland's  suffering  poor,  has  issued  a  circular 
pitching  into  Parnell  and  others  for  claiming  that 
she  is  acting  in  the  interest  of  the  English  landlords. 
She  closes  her  circular  as  follows: 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  155 

There  is  nothing  that  strikes  me  with  more  admiration  than 
the  generosity  of  the  British  nation.  I  have  innumerable  letters, 
all  expressing  good  will  and  compassion  for  the  calamities  which 
a  series  of  bad  seasons  have  brought  to  the  west  of  Ireland. 

To  the  family  that  is  suffering  for  the  necessaries 
of  life,  that  would  look  upon  a  large  sized  potato  as 
a  bonanza,  there  is  nothing  that  is  pleasanter  than 
to  read  a  letter  from  an  Englishman  expressing  com 
passion.  How  it  tones  up  the  stomach  to  read  of 
the  good  will  that,  by  a  large  majority,  occupies  the 
heart  of  the  Briton  who  writes  the  letter  to  the 
Duchess  of  Marlborough. 

You  take  two  plates,  and  put  on  one  of  them  the 
letters  expressing  good  will  and  compassion,  and  on 
the  other  plate  you  put  some  of  the  food  sent  by 
Americans,  and  offer  the  two  plates  to  an  Irish 
mother  whose  famishing  children  are  tugging  at  her 
scanty  skirts,  and  let  her  take  her  choice.  How  her 
trembling  hand  would  clutch  the  plate  containing 
the  letters  of  compassion.  Eh  ?  She  wouldn't  take 
that  plate,  do  you  say?  She  would  take  the  plate 
with  the  good,  honest,  star-spangled  food  on  it,  eh? 
O,  you  are  mistaken.  There  is  so  much  sustenance 
and  warmth  in  a  letter  of  compassion,  that  the 
famine  stricken  person  would  no  doubt  take  it  and 
make  soup  of  it. 

But  if  you  think  she  wouldn't  we  won't  argue  the 
case.  However,  you  will  admit  that  the  Irish  are 
very  queer,  and  if  they  went  back  on  their  English 
benefactors  and  took  the  rebellious  American  food, 
they  would  be  guilty  of  treason,  of  course  you  will. 
We  are  not  astonished  that  there  is  nothing  that 
strikes  the  Duchess  with  more  admiration  than  the 


156  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

generosity  of  the  British  nation.     It  is  the  most  re 
markable  thing  we  ever  heard  of. 

THE    FEMALE    BURGLAR. 

EVERY  day  we  see  that  some  new  avenue  has  been 
opened  to  women,  by  which  they  can  earn  a  liveli 
hood.  We  see  by  the  papers  that  a  woman  in  Cleve 
land  has  been  arrested  as  a  burglar.  We  have  no 
objections  to  female  pickpockets,  for  if  a  man  must 
have  his  pockets  picked,  it  will  be  much  more  en 
joyable  to  feel  the  delicate  hand  of  a  beautiful  wom 
an  fluttering  around  his  pockets  than  a  rough  male 
hand. 

Many  a  man  who  would  object  to  having  his  pock 
ets  picked  by  a  man,  would  be  willing  to  lose  ten  or 
fifteen  dollars  just  to  have  a  female  pickpocket  go 
through  him. 

There  is  a  field  open  for  women  as  confidence  men. 
To  have  a  female  confidence  game  played  on  a  man 
would  leave  less  of  a  sting  than  to  be  bilked  by  a  male. 
But,  as  burglars,  the  idea  seems  revolting.  To  think 
of  women  going  about  nights  with  a  jimmy  and  a 
dark  lantern,  and  opening  doors,  or  windows,  and 
sneaking  about  rooms,  is  degrading.  If  a  male  bur 
glar  gets  in  your  house,  and  he  is  discovered,  you 
can  shoot  him,  if  you  get  the  drop  on  him,  or  kick 
him  down  stairs ;  but  who  wants  to  shoot  a  female 
burglar,  or  kick  her  over  the  banisters  ?  It  would 
be  unnatural.  You  would  almost  rather  let  her  go 
ahead  and  burgle,  and  let  her  go  away  with  your 
money,  than  to  shoot  her. 

Besides,  you  could  not  hit  her  with  a  bullet  from 
an  ordinary  pistol  in  a  vital  part.  The  heart  and 


PECK  S  SUNSHINE. 


157 


other  vital  organs  are  covered  with  bullet-proof  cor 
sets,  liver  and  lung  pads  and  porous  plasters.  You 
take  a  corset  and  tie  it  around  a  sack  of  flour,  and 
try  to  fire  a  bullet  through  it,  and  you  will  find  that 
the  bullet  will  fall  to  the  ground.  Try  to  fire  a  ball 
through  a  bed  quilt,  and  you  will  discover  that  the 
ball  becomes  wound  and  twisted  in  the  cotton  bat- 


THE   FEMALE    BURGLAR. 


ting,  from  the  rifling  of  the  barrel  of  the  pistol,  and 
stops  as  it  goes  through. 

A  liver  pad  is  as  good  as  boiler  iron  to  protect  the 
form,  so  you  see  there  is  no  place  to  shoot  a  female 
burglar,  except  in  the  head  and  legs.  No  gentleman 
would  want  to  shoot  a  beautiful  woman  in  the  face, 
and  with  a  long  dress  on  he  might  as  well  shut  his 


158  PECK'S  SUNSHINE 

eyes  and  shoot  at  a  hop-yard,  and  expect  to  hit  a 
pole,  as  to  expect  to  hit  a  woman's  leg. 

So  it  is  seen  plainly  that  a  female  burglar  would 
be  perfectly  safe  from  a  pistol  shot. 

Then,  again,  the  natural  gallantry  of  a  man  would 
prevent  his  making  much  of  a  fuss  if  he  found  a 
female  burglar  in  his  house.  If  the  average  man — 
and  most  men  are  average  men— should  wake  up  in 
the  night  and  see  a  woman  burglar  feeling  in  his 
pants,  rifling  the  pockets,  or  rummaging  in  the 
drawers  of  the  bureau,  he  would  lay  still  and  let  her 
burgle,  as  long  as  she  would  keep  still  and  not  wake 
up  his  wife.  Were  it  a  male  burglar,  he  would  jump 
up,  regardless  of  his  nocturnal  costume,  and  tell 
him  to  get  out  of  there,  but  he  would  hesitate  to  get 
up  before  a  female  burglar.  He  would  not  feel  like 
accosting  the  female  burglar  without  an  introduc 
tion.  If  he  spoke  to  her  familiarly,  she  would  be 
justified  in  being  indignant,  and  saying,  "Sir,  I  do 
not  remember  that  we  have  ever  met  before,"  and 
very  likely  sl^  would  turn  her  back  on  him,  and  say 
she  was  insulted. 

It  places  a  man  of  gallantry  in  a  very  embarrass 
ing  situation  to  have  a  female  burglar  rob  his  house 
because  he  would  be  no  gentleman  if  he  did  not  offer 
to  see  her  safe  home.  No  true  gentleman  would  like 
to  see  a  female  burglar  go  home  alone  at  three  or 
four  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  while  he  might  feel 
the  loss  of  his  property,  it  would  be  courtesy  for  him 
to  offer  to  see  her  home,  and  help  carry  the  swag. 

If  women  become  burglars,  there  is  going  to  be 
more  or  less  annoyance. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  159 

THE  GIRL  THAT  WAS  HUGGED  TO  DEATH. 

WE  are  sorry  to  see  so  many  of  the  humorous  pa 
pers  £nd  any  fun  in  the  incident  of  the  girl  at  Keo- 
kuk  who  was  hugged  to  death  by  her  lover.  He  had 
proposed  to  her,  in  her  father's  parlor,  and  she  had" 
accepted  him,  and  in  a  moment  of  ecstasy  he  hugged 
her  to  his  breast,  and  she  died  at  once.  The  young 
man  was  horror  stricken,  and  called  her  parents.  It 
is  supposed  that  she  died  of  heart  disease.  The  case 
was  very  sad,  indeed,  and  papers  should  not  make 
fun  of  an  occurrence  that  brings  so  much  sadness. 

However,  while  this  case  is  fresh  in  the  minds  of 
old  and  young,  we  will  embrace  the  opportunity, 
and  embrace  it  gently,  for  fear  we  will  kill  it,  to 
again  impress  upon  young  people  what  we  have  so 
often  advised,  and  that  is  to  be  unusually  careful 
about  how  they  hug  girls.  Many  a  young  man  hugs 
a  girl  almost  to  death,  and  he  never  knows  how 
near  he  comes  to  being  a  murderer. 

Girls  now-a-days  are  not  what  they  used  to  be 
when  you  and  I  were  young,  Maggie.  They  cannot 
stand  as  much  grief  now  as  girls  did  twenty  years 
ago.  Somehow,  they  don't  seem  to  be  put  up  for 
hugging.  If  a  man  puts  his  arm  around  a  seven 
teen-year-old  girl  of  the  present  day,  and  sort  of 
closes  in  on  the  belt,  he  expects  to  hear  something 
break.  Many  a  humane  man  lets  go  before  he  has 
got  a  girl  half  hugged  because  the  girl  looks  so  frail 
that  he  is  afraid  he  will  break  her  in  two. 

Of  course  there  are  exceptions  to  the  frail  girls, 
but  the  majority  are  too  much  like  a  bundle  of  as 
paragus.  Some  of  the  girls  of  the  present  day  are 
robust,  and  seem  to  be  offended  if  a  person  lets  up 


160  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

on  the  hugging  on  their  account,  and  it  is  said  they 
hug  back  with  a  vigor  which  reminds  a  man  of  the 
days  of  long  ago,  but  they  are  few  and  far  between. 

Too  much  care  cannot  be  exercised  in  putting 
arms  around  the  young  girls  of  to-day,  and  we 
would  wish  to  impress  this  fact  upon  the  minds  of 
the  young  men  who  are  just  coming  upon  the  stage 
of  action.  Of  course,  men  along  in  years  do  not 
need  advice.  The  boys  are  apt  to  put  more  force  in 
to  the  right  arm  than  they  are  aware  of,  a  hundred 
per  cent,  more  than  they  would  be  apt  to  do  in  saw 
ing  wood,  or  in  carrying  up  a  scuttle  of  coal. 

They  should  bear  in  mind  that  girls  are  too  valu 
able  to  be  used  in  developing  the  muscles,  as  you 
would  a  gymnasium.  You  don't  have  to  squeeze  a 
girl  till  her  liver  is  forced  from  its  normal  position, 
and  she  chokes  and  catches  her  breath,  to  show  her 
that  you  love  her.  A  gentle  squeeze  of  the  hand, 
the  stealing  of  the  arm  around  her  waist  when  she 
is  not  looking,  and  the  least  pressure  upon  her  belt, 
is  all  that  the  law  requires. 

She  can  tell  by  your  face  whether  you  love  her, 
as  you  sit  there  in  the  twiligHt  looking  into  the 
guiding  star  eyes,  as  well  as*  though  you  grabbed 
her  as  you  would  a  sack  of  wheat,  and  hung  on  like 
a  dog  to  a  root. 


ANNA  DICKINSON  is  going  upon  the  stage  again 
and  is  to  play  male  characters,  Luch  as  "Hamlet," 
"  Macbeth,"  and  "Claude  Meinotte."  We  have  in 
sisted  for  years  that  Anna  Dickinson  was  a  man, 
and  we  dare  anybody  to  prove  to  the  contrary. 


161 

There  is  one  way  to  settle  this  matter,  and  that  is 
when  she  plays  Hamlet.  Let  the  stage  manager  put 
a  large  spider  in  the  skull  of  Yorick,  and  when  Ham 
let  takes  up  the  skull  and  says,  "Alas,  poor  Yorick, 
I  was  pretty  solid  with  him,"  let  the  spider  crawl  out 
of  one  of  the  eye  holes  onto  Hamlet's  hand,  and  pro 
ceed  to  walk  up  Miss  Dickinson's  sleeve.  If  Ham 
let  simply  shakes  the  spider  off,  and  goes  on  with 
the  funeral,  unconcerned,  then  Miss  Dickinson  is  a 
man.  But  if  Hamlet  screams  bloody  murder,  throws 
the  skull  at  the  grave  digger,  falls  over  into  the 
grave,  tears  his  shirt,  jumps  out  of  the  grave  and 
shakes  his  imaginary  skirts,  gathers  them  all  up  in 
his  hands  and  begins  to  climb  up  the  scenes  like  a 
Samantha  cat  chased  by  a  dog,  and  gets  on  top  of 
the  first  fly  and  raises  Hamlet's  back  and  spits,  then 
Miss  Dickinson  is  a  woman.  The  country  will  watch 
eagerly  for  the  result  of  the  test,  which  we  trust  will 
be  made  at  the  Boston  Theatre  next  week. 

OUR  CHRISTIAN  NEIGHBORS  HAVE  GONE. 

IT  pains  us  to  announce  that  the  Young  Men's 
Christian  Association,  which  has  had  rooms  on  two 
sides  of  our  office  for  more  than  a  year,  has  moved 
away.  We  do  not  know  why  they  moved,  as  we 
have  tried  to  do  everything  that  it  was  possible  to 
do  for  their  comfort,  and  to  cheer  them  in  their 
lonely  life.  That  their  proximity  to  the  Sun  office 
has  been  beneficial  to  them  we  are  assured,  and  the 
closeness  has  not  done  us  any  hurt  as  we  know  of. 

Many  times  when  something  has  happened  that, 
had  it  happened  in  La  Crosse,  might  have  caused  us 
to  be  semi-profane,  instead  of  giving  way  to  the 


162  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

fiery  spirit  within  us,  and  whooping  it  up,  we  have 
thought  of  our  neighbors  who  were  truly  good,  and 
have  turned  the  matter  over  to  our  business  mana 
ger,  who  would  do  the  subject  justice  or  burst  a  flue. 

When  the  young  Christians  have  given  a  sociable, 
we  have  always  put  on  a  resigned  and  pious  expres 
sion  and  gone  amongst  them  about  the  time  the 
good  bald-headed  brother  brought  up  the  pail  full  of 
coffee,  and  the  cheerful  sister  cut  the  cake. 

No  one  has  been  more  punctual  at  these  free  feeds 
than  we  have,  though  we  have  often  noticed  that 
we  never  got  a  fair  divide  of  the  cake  that  was  left, 
when  they  were  dividing  it  up  to  carry  home  for  the 
poor.  We  have  been  as  little  annoyed  by  our  neigh 
bors  as  we  could  have  been  by  anybody  that  might 
have  occupied  the  rooms. 

It  is  true  that  at  times  the  singing  of  a  church 
tune  in  there  when  we  were  writing  a  worldly  edi 
torial  has  caused  us  to  get  tangled,  but  the  piety  that 
we  have  smuggled  into  our  readers  through  the 
church  music  will  more  than  atone  for  the  wrath 
we  have  felt  at  the  discordant  music,  and  we  have 
hopes  the  good  brothers  will  not  be  averse  to  saying 
a  good  word  for  us  when  they  feel  like  it. 

When  we  lent  the  young  Christians  our  sanctum 
as  a  reception  room  for  the  ladies  when  they  gave 
the  winter  picnic  to  the  dry  goods  clerks,  we  did 
feel  a  little  hurt  at  finding  so  many  different  kinds 
of  hair  pins  on  the  carpet  the  next  morning,  and  the 
different  colors  of  long  hair  on  our  plush  chairs  and 
raw  silk  ottoman  would  have  been  a  dead  give 
away  on  any  other  occasion,  but  for  this,  even,  we 
have  forgiven  the  young  Christians,  though  if  we 
ever  do  so  again  they  have  got  to  agree  to  comb 


163 

the  lounge  and  the  chairs  before  we    shall  ever 
occupy  the  rooms  again. 

There  is  nothing  that  is  so  hard  to  explain  as  a 
long  hair  of  another  color,  or  hair  pins  and  blue 
bows,  and  pieces  of  switch.  They  are  gone,  and  we 
miss  them.  No  more  shall  we  hear  the  young 
Christian  slip  up  on  the  golden  stairs  and  roll  down 
with  his  boot  heel  pointing  heavenward,  while  the 
wail  of  a  soul  in  anguish  comes  over  the  banisters, 
and  the  brother  puts  his  hand  on  his  pistol  pocket 
and  goes  out  the  front  door  muttering  a  silent 
prayer,  with  blood  in  his  eyes. 

No  more  will  the  young  Christian  faint  by  the 
wayside  as  he  brings  back  our  borrowed  chairs  and 
finds  a  bottle  and  six  glasses  on  our  center  table, 
when  he  has  been  importuning  us  to  deliver  a  tem 
perance  speech  in  his  lecture  room.  Never  again 
shall  we  witness  the  look  of  agony  on  the  face  of 
the  good  brother  when  we  refuse  to  give  five  dollars 
towards  helping  discharged  criminals  to  get  a  soft 
thing,  while  poor  people  who  never  committed  a 
crime  and  have  never  been  supported  by  the  State 
are  amongst  us  feeling  the  pangs  of  hunger.  No 
more  shall  we  be  compelled  to  watch  the  hard  look 
ing  citizens  who  frequent  the  reading  room  of  the 
association  for  fear  they  will  enter  our  office  in  the 
still  watches  of  the  night  and  sleep  on  the  carpet 
with  their  boots  on. 

They  are  all  gone.  They  have  gone  across  the 
beautiful  river,  and  have  camped  near  the  Christian 
Statesman  office,  where  all  is  pure  and  good  except 
the  houses  over  on  Second  street,  beyond  the  livery 
stable,  where  they  never  will  be  molested  -'f  they  do 
not  go  there. 


164  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Will  they  be  treated  any  better  in  their  new  home 
than  they  have  been  with  us?  Will  they  have  that 
confidence  in  their  new  neighbors  that  they  have 
always  seemed  to  have  in  us?  Well,  we  hope  they 
may  be  always  happy,  and  continue  to  do  good,  and 
when  they  come  to  die  and  go  to  St.  Peter's  gate,  if 
there  is  any  back  talk,  and  they  have  any  trouble 
about  getting  in,  the  good  old  doorkeeper  is  hereby 
assured  that  we  will  vouch  for  the  true  goodness 
and  self-sacrificing  devotion  of  the  Milwaukee 
Young  Men's  Christian  association,  and  he  is  asked 
to  pass  them  in  and  charge  it  up  to  the  Sun. 

THE  SUDDEN  FIRE- WORKS  AT  RACINE. 

ONE  of  those  Fourth  of  July  accidents  that  are  al 
ways  looked  for  but  seldom  occur,  happened  at  Ra 
cine,  Monday  night,  which  struck  terror  to  the  hearts 
and  other  portions  of  the  bodies  of  many  eminent 
citizens,  and  that  none  were  killed  we  can  all  thank 
Providence,  who  tempers  the  fire -works  to  the 
sweaty  citizen  in  his  shirt  sleeves.  The  enterpris 
ing  citizens  had  contributed  a  large  sum  of  money, 
which  had  been  judiciously  expended  in  all  kinds 
of  fire-works,  and  one  side  of  the  public  square  was 
given  up  to  the  display. 

Thousands  of  citizens  had  gathered  there,  from 
city  and  country,  and  bright  Roman  candles  shone 
o'er  fair  men  and  brave  women,  and  sixteen  thou 
sand  nine  hundred  and  twelve  hearts  beat  happy, 
while  music  arose  with  its  voluptuous  swell,  and 
soft  eyes  looked  love  to  eyes  which  spake  again,  or 
words  to  that  effect.  At  least  that  was  what  a  young 
fellow  from  Racine  told  us,  who  was  here  to  see  a 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  165 

specialist  to  have  a  splinter  from  a  rocket  stick  re 
moved  from  his  ear. 

A  few  pieces  had  been  shot  off,  a  few  bunches  of 
crackers  had  had  their  tails  tied  together  and  been 
hung  over  a  wire  clothes  line,  like  cats,  to  fight  it 
out,  and  the  crowd  was  holding  its  breath  for  the 
next  boom,  when  there  was  an  explosion ;  the  earth 
seemed  to  tremble,  and  the  air  was  full  of  all  kinds 
of  fire-works.  The  whole  supply  of  fire-works  had 
become  ignited,  and  were  blowing  off  where  they 
listeth,  without  regard  to  anybody's  feelings. 

The  crowd  became  panic  stricken,  and  there  never 
was  another  such  a  scene,  and  never  will  be  until 
the  last  great  day,  when  a  few  thousand  people  sud 
denly  find  that  they  have  got  into  hell,  by  mistake, 
when  they  thought  they  were  ticketed  through  to 
the  other  place.  It  was  perfectly  awful.  Prominent 
citizens  who  usually  display  great  pluck,  became 
fearfully  rattled. 

A  man  named  Martindale,  a  railroad  man  who 
weighs  over  two  hundred  pounds,  was  standing  near 
a  telegraph  pole,  and  as  the  firing  commenced  he 
climbed  up  the  pole  as  easy  as  a  squirrel  would  climb 
a  tree,  and  when  it  was  over  they  had  to  get  a  fire 
ladder  to  get  him  down,  as  his  pants  had  got  caught 
over  the  glass  telegraph  knob,  and  he  had  forgotten 
the  combination,  and  besides  he  said  he  didn't  want 
to  take  off  his  clothes  up  there  and  come  down,  even 
if  it  ivas  dark,  because  it  would  be  just  his  luck  to 
have  some  one  fire  off  a  Roman  candle  when  he  got 
down. 

The  Hon.  Norton  J.  Field  was  another  man  who 
lost  his  nerve.  He  was  explaining  to  some  ladies 
one  of  the  pieces  that  was  to  be  fired  off,  which  was 


100  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

an  allegorical  picture  representing  tho  revolution, 
when  tho  whole  business  blew  up.  He  thought 
at  the  time,  that  the  explosion  was  in  tho  pro 
gramme,  and  was  just  reassuring  the  ladies,  by  tell 
ing  them  it  reminded  him  of  battle  scenes  he  had 
witnessed  when  lie  was  on  tho  military  committee 
in  the  assembly,  when  ho  noticed  a  girl  near  him 
whose  polonaise  had  caught  lire,  and  ho  rushed  up 
to  her,  caught  her  by  the  dress,  intending,  with  his 
cool  hands,  to  put  out  the  fire. 

The  girl  felt  some  one  feeling,  as  she  supposed,  for 
her  pocket-book,  and  she  started  to  run,  yelling, 
"pickpocket,"  and  left  the  burning  polonaise  in  Mr. 
Field's  hands.  He  blushed,  and  was  about  to  ex 
plain  to  his  lady  friends  how  the  best  of  us  are  liable 
to  have  our  motives  misconstrued,  when  somebody 
threw  a  box  of  four  dozen  of  those  large  firecrackers 
right  at  his  feet,  and  the3r  were  all  on  fire.  Ten  of 
them  exploded  at  once,  and  he  grabbed  (he  polonaise 
in  one  hand  and  his  burning  coat  tail  in  the  other, 
and  started  West  on  a  run. 

The  steward  of  the  Gideon's  Band  Club  House,  at 
Burlington,  said  he  arrived  there  at  daylight  on  tho 
morning  of  the  6th,  and  ho  still  hold  tho  pieces  of 
dress,  but  the  whole  back  of  his  coat  was  burned  off, 
and  his  suspenders  just  hold  by  a  thread.  He  s;ii«l 
the  comet  struck  tho  earth  at  Racine,  at  0:30  tin*. 
night  before,  and  knocked  tho  town  into  tho  lake, 
and  he  and  another  fellow  were  all  that  escaped. 

Thr  n;irr<>\vrsl  rsr;i|>r  \v;is  lli;i!   <>!'  \  OIIM-'  Mr.  (  )|MT- 

man.    He  is  a  small  man,  all  except  his  heart  and 
feet,  and  whon  the  air  began  to  fill  with  p.-i.irioiir 
missiles,  ho  started  to  run.  On  passing  the  News  «»!' 
fico  he  had  to  jump  over  an  old  coal  stove  that  stood 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  1G7 

there,  and  while  he  was  in  the  air,  six  feet  from  the 
sidewalk,  a  sky  rocket  stick  passed  through  his  coat 
tail  and  pinned  him  to  the  building,  where  he  hung 
suspended,  while  other  rocket  sticks  were  striking 
all  around  him,  Roman  candle  colored  balls  were 
falling  on  his  unprotected  head,  etc.,  and  one  of 
these  nigger  chasers,  that  run  all  over  the  ground, 
climbed  up  the  side  of  the  building  and  tried  to  get 
in  his  pants  pocket. 

Mr.  Oberman  begged  Mr.  Wright,  the  postmaster, 
to  cut  him  down,  but  Mr.  Wright,  wh^was  using 
both  hands  and  his  voice  try  ing  to  disengage  a  pack 
age  of  pin- wheels  from  the  back  portion  of  his  coat, 
which  were  on  fire  and  throwing  out  colored  sparks, 
said  he  hadn't  gpt  time,  as  he  was  going  down  to  the 
river  to  take  a  sitz  bath  for  his  health. 

The  man  that  keeps  the  hotel  next  door  to  the 
Neivs  office  came  out  with  a  pail  of  water,  yelled 
"fire,"  and  threw  the  water  on  Mr.  Curt  Treat's 
head.  Mr.  Treat  was  very  much  vexed,  and  told  the 
hotel  man  if  he  couldn't  tell  the  difference  between 
an  auburn  haired  young  man  and  a  pin-wheel,  he'd 
better  go  and  hire  somebody  that  could.  Friends  of 
Mr.  Treat  say  that  he  would  be  justified  in  going  in 
to  the  hotel  and  ordering  a  bottle  of  popj  and  then 
refusing  to  pay  for  it,  as  the  water  took  all  the  starch 
out  of  his  shirt. 

Those  who  saw  the  explosion  say  it  was  one  of  the 
most  magnificent,  yet  awful  and  terrible  sights  ever 
witnessed,  and  the  only  wonder  is  that  somebody 
was  not  hurt.  What  added  to  the  terror  of  the  scene 
was  when  they  went  to  the  artesian  well  to  get  water 
to  put  out  the  fire  and  found  that  the  well  had  ceased 


16B  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

flowing.  On  investigation  they  found  that  Mr.  Sage, 
the  Assemblyman,  had  crawled  into  the  pipe. 

By  the  way,  Mr.  Oberman  finally  got  down  from 
his  terrible  position  by  the  aid  of  the  editor  of  the- 
Journal,  to  whom  Mr.  Oberman  promised  coal 
enough  to  run  his  engine  for  a  year.  Very  few  men 
displayed  any  coolness  except  Mr.  Treat  and  Mr. 
Sage. 

YOUNG  FOOLS  WHO  MARRY. 

AN  exchange  has  the  following  item  which  may 
seem  all  right,  but  it  will  get  some  young  fellow's 
back  broke  yet: 

"An  Illinois  justice  has  decided  that  courting  is  a 
public  necessity,  and  must  not  be  interrupted;  there 
fore,  if  a  young  man  wanted  to  kiss  a  girl  he  might 
put  her  father  out  of  the  room  first  if  he  liked." 

The  publication  of  the  above  may  cause  some 
smart  youth  to  do  something  he  will  regret.  The 
lame,  sickly-looking  father  of  a  girl  may  come  into 
the  parlor  some  night  and  find  the  warm-haired 
youth  on  the  sofa  with  the  girl,  and  when  the  old 
man  speaks  of  it  being  time  to  stop  such  nonsense, 
the  young  man,  with  this  judicial  decision  in  his 
mind,  will  tell  his  prospective  father-in-law  to  wipe 
off  his  vest  and  go  to  bed. 

The  old  man  will  spit  on  his  hands  and  grasp  the 
warm-haired  young  man  by  the  county  seat  and  tie 
him  up  in  a  double  bow  knot,  and  pin  a  scarf  on 
him,  and  throw  him  out  on  the  path  to  the  gate, 
and  then  he  will  turn  and  slap  the  girl  across  where 
the  dress  is'  plaited,  and  she  will  go  up  stairs  with 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  169 

her  hand  on  her  heart,  as  it  were,  and  the  old  man 
will  jump  up  and  say  "Whoop?" 

The  young  men  of  this  country  have  got  gall 
enough  about  visiting  girls  in  the  evening  at  their 
homes  without  filling  their  heads  with  any  such 
ideas  in  regard  to  their  legal  rights.  There  are  very 
few  fathers  who  would  quietly  submit  to  being  told 
to  go  away  by  a  youth  with  a  striped  neck  tie  and 
pants  too  short  at  the  bottom. 

These  sparkers  are  looked  upon  by  parents  gen 
erally  as  a  nuisance,  and  often  they  are  right. 
Nine-tenths  of  the  sparking  is  done  by  boys  who 
haven't  got  their  growth,  and  they  look  sV  green 
that  it  is  laughable  for  old  folks  to  look  at  them. 
They  haven't  generally  got  a  second  shirt,  and  they 
are  no  more  qualified  to  get  married  than  a  steer  is 
to  preach.  And  yet  marrying  is  about  the  first 
thing  they  think  of. 

A  green  boy,  without  a  dollar,  present  or  prospec 
tive,  sparking  a  girl  regularly  and  talking  of  marry 
ing  is  a  spectacle  for  gods  and  men.  He  should  be 
reasoned  with,  and  if  he  will  not  quit  it  until  he  is 
able  to  support  a  wife,  and  to  know  who  he  loves, 
and  the  difference  between  love  and  passion,  he 
should  be  quarantined  or  put  in  a  convent  erected 
on  purpose  for  such  cases. 

Nine-tenths  of  the  unhappy  marriages  are  the 
result  of  green  human  calves  being  allowed  to  run 
at  large  in  the  society  pasture  without  any  pokes  on 
them.  They  marry  and  have  children  before  they 
do  moustaches;  they  are  fathers  of  twins  before 
they  are  proprietors  of  two  pairs  of  pants,  and 
the  little  girls  they  marry  lare  old  women  before 
they  are  twenty  years  old.  Occasionally  one  of 


170  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

% 

these  gosling  marriages  turns  out  all  right,  but  it  is 
a  clear  case  of  luck. 

If  there  was  a  law  against  young  galoots  sparking 
and  marrying  before  they  have  all  their  teeth  cut, 
we  suppose  the  little  cusses  would  evade  it  some 
way,  but  there  ought  to  be  a  sentiment  against  it. 
It  is  time  enough  for  these  bantams  to  think  of 
finding  a  pullet  when  they  have  raised  money 
enough  by  their  own  work  to  buy  a  bundle  of  laths 
to  build  a  hen  house.  But  they  see  a  girl  who  looks 
cunning,  and  they  are  afraid  there  is  not  going  to 
be  girls  enough  to  go  around,  and  they  begin  their 
work  real  spry;  and  before  they  are  aware  of  the 
sanctity  of  the  marriage  relation,  they  are  hitched 
for  life,  and  before  they  own  a  cook-stove  or  a  bed 
stead  they  have  to  get  up  in  the  night  and  go  for  a 
doctor,  so  frightened  that  they  run  themselves  out 
of  breath  and  abuse  the  doctor  because  he  does  not 
run  too;  and  when  the  doctor  gets  there  he  finds 
that  there  is  not  enough  linen  in  the  house  to  wrap 
up  a  doll  baby. 

It  is  about  this  time  that  a  young  man  begins  to 
realize  that  he  has  been  a  colossal  fool,  as  he  flies 
around  to  heat  water  and  bring  in  the  batH  tub, 
and  as  he  goes  w^hooping  ^after  his  mother  or  her 
mother,  he  turns  pale  around  the  gills,  his  hair  turns 
red  in  a  single  night,  and  he  calls  high  heaven  to 
witness  that  if  he  lives  till  morning,  which  he  has 
doubts  about,  he  will  turn  over  a  new  leaf  and 
never  get  married  again  until  he  is  older.  And  in 
the  morning  the  green-looking  " father"  is  around 
before  a  drug  store  is  open,  with  no  collar  on,  his 
hair  sticking  every  way,  his  eyes  blood-shot  and  his 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  171 

frame  nervous,  waiting  for  the  clerk  to  open  the 
door  so  he  can  get  some  saffron  to  make  tea  of. 

Less  than  a  year  ago  he  thought  he  was  the 
greatest  man  there  was  anywhere,  but  he  sits  there 
in  the  house  that  morning,  with  his  wedding  coat 
rusty  and  shiny,  his  pants  frayed  at  the  bottom  and 
patched  in  the  seat,  and  the  nurse  puts  in  his  arm  a 
little  bundle  of  flannel  with  a  baby  hid  in  it,  and  he 
holds  it  as  he  would  a  banana,  and  as  ho  looks  at 
his  girl  wife  on  the  bed,  nearly  dead  from  pain  and 
exhaustion,  and  he  thinks  that  there  are  not  provis 
ions  enough  in  the  house  to  feed  a  canary,  a  lump 
comes  in  his  throat  and  he  says  to  himself  that  if  he 
had  it  to  do  over  again  he  would  leave  that  little 
girl  at  home  with  her  mother;  and  he  wouldj  till  he 
had  six  dollars  to  buy  baby  flannel  and  ten  dollars 
to  pay  the  doctor. 

LARGE  MOUTHS  ARE  FASHIONABLE. 

THE  fashion  papers,  which  are  authority  on  the 
styles,  claim  that  ladies  with  large  mouths  are  all 
the  fashion  now,  and  that  those  whose  mouths  are 
small  and  rosebud- like  are  all  out  of  style.  It  is  sin 
gular  the  freaks  that  are  taken  by  fashion.  Years 
ago  a  red-headed  girl,  with  a  mouth  like  a  slice  cut 
out  of  a  muskmelon,  would  have  been  laughed  at, 
and  now  such  a  girl  is  worth  going  miles  to  see. 

It  is  easier  to  color  the  hair  red.  and  be  in  fashion, 
than  it  is  to  enlarge  the  mouth,  though  a  mouth  that 
has  any  give  to  it  can  be  helped  by  the  constant  ap 
plication  of  a  glove  stretcher  during  the  day,  and 
by  holding  the  cover  to  a  tin  blacking  box  while 
sleeping.  What  in  the  world  the  leaders  of  fashion 


172  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

wanted  to  declare  large  mouths  the  style  for,  the 
heavens  only  can  tell. 

Take  a  pretty  face  and  mortise  ahout  a  third  of  it 
for  mouth,  and  it  seems  to  us  as  though  it  is  a  great 
waste  of  raw  material.  There  is  no  use  that  a  large 
mouth  can  be  put  to  that  a  small  mouth  would  not 
do  better,  unless  it  is  used  for  a  pigeon  hole  to  file 
away  old  sets  of  false  teeth.  They  can't,  certainly, 
be  any  better  for  kissing. 

You  all  remember  the  traveling  man  who  attended 
the  church  fair  at  Kalamazoo,  where  one  of  the  sis 
ters  would  give  a  kiss  for  ten  cents.  He  went  up 
and  paid  his  ten  cents,  and  was  about  to  kiss  her 
when  he  noticed  that  her  mouth  was  one  of  those 
large,  open  face,  cylinder  escapement,  to  be  con 
tinued  mouths.  It  commenced  at  the  chin  and  went 
about  four  chains  and  three  links  in  a  northwesterly 
direction,  then  around  by  her  ear,  across  under  the 
nose  and  back  by  the  other  ear  to  the  place  of  be 
ginning,  and  containing  twelve  acres,  more  or  less. 

The  traveling  man  said  he  was"  only  a  poor  or 
phan,  and  had  a  family  to  support,  and  if  he  never 
came  out  alive  it  would  be  a  great  hardship  upon 
those  dependent  upon  him  for  support,  and  he  asked 
her  as  a  special  favor  that  she  take  her  hand  and 
take  a  reef  in  one  side  of  the  mouth  so  it  would  be 
smaller.  She  consented,  and  puckered  in  a  handful 
of  what  would  have  been  cheek,  had  it  not  been 
mouth.  He  looked  at  her  again  and  found  that  the 
mouth  had  become  a  very  one-sided  affair,  and  he 
said  he  had  just  one  more  favor  to  ask. 

He  was  not  a  man  that  was  counted  hard  to  suit 
when  he  was  at  home  in  Chicago,  but  he  would  al 
ways  feel  as  though  he  had  get  his  money's  worth, 


PECK'S   SUNSHINE.  173 

and  go  away  with  pleasanter  recollections  of  Kala- 
mazoo,  if  she  would  kindly  take  her  other  hand  and 
draw  the  other  side  of  her  mouth  together,  and  he 
would  he  content  to  take  his*  ten  cents'  worth  out  of 
what  was  left  unemployed. 

This  was  too  much,  and  she  gave  him  a  terrible 
look,  and  returned  him  his  ten  cents,  saying,  "  Do 
you  think,  sir,  because  you  are  a  Chicago  drummer, 
that  for  ten  cents  you  can  take  a  kiss  right  out  of 
the  best  part  of  it  ?  Go!  Get  thee  to  a  nunnery,"  and 
he  went  and  bought  a  lemonade  with  the  money. 

We  would  not  advise  any  lady  whose  mouth  is 
small  to  worry  about  this  new  fashion,  and  try  to 
enlarge  the  one  nature  has  given  her.  Large  mouths 
will  have  their  run  in  a  few  brief  months  and  will 
be  much  sought  after  by  the  followers  of  fashion, 
but  in  a  short  time  the  little  ones  that  pout,  and  look 
cunning,  will  come  to  the  front  and  the  large  ones 
will  be  for  rent.  The  best  kind  of  a  mouth  to  have 
is  a  middling  sized  one,  that  has  a  dimple  by  its 
sides,  which  is  always  in  style. 

"LOOKING  FOB  A  MOOLEY  COW. 

IT  is  painful  to  read  the  remarks  made  by  some  of 
the  papers  in  regard  to  the  wicked  stories  told  about 
a  minister  named  Atwater,  up  in  Dunn  county,  who 
was  walking  in  the  woods  with  a  young  lady.  Some 
editors  would  believe  anything  that  was  told  of  a 
minister,  if  they  knew  it  was  untrue. 

The  truth  of  the  matter  seems  to  be  that  the  elder 
called  to  visit  a  Miss  Northrop,  a  member  of  his 
church,  who  taught  school  at  Knapp.  She  seemed 
to  have  something  on  her  mind,  which  she  wanted 


174  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

to  unfold  to  him,  and  as  there  were  other  people  in 
the  house  where  she  boarded,  it  was  suggested  that 
they  walk  up  a  hill,  into  a  piece  of  woods,  where 
they  could  talk  more  freely. 

They  started  out,  and  a  lot  of  saw  mill  hands  saw 
them,  and  immediately  concluded  that  something 
was  wrong,  and  after  the  truly  good  people  had  got 
into  the  brush  the  men  followed.  How  natural  it  is 
for  bad  men  to  think  there  is  something  wrong, 
where  two  persons  of  the  opposite  sex  are  congre 
gated  together.  The  elder  and  the  schoolma'am 
went  in  the  grubs  and  sat  down  on  a  log,  and  there 
she  unfolded  to  him  her  tale  of  woe. 

It  appears  that  she  had  violated  one  of  the  rules 
of  the  church  by  dancing,  and  she  felt  that  she 
ought  to  confess,  and  did  confess.  She  cried  like  a 
child,  and  seemed  to  be  weak,  and  the  elder  put  his 
arm  around  her  to  keep  her  from  falling  off  the  log. 
Everybody  knows  how  easy  it  is  to  roll  off  a  log,  if 
they  are  not  looking,  and  any  man  that  wouldn't 
put  his  arm  around  a  girl,  to  keep  her  from  falling 
off  a  log,  would  be  a  fool  whom  it  would  be  base 
flattery  to  call  another. 

She  continued  to  weep — even  the  girl  admits  that 
— and  he  put  his  hand  up  to  her  forehead  and  stroked 
her  hair,  and  told  her  to  be  calm,  and  her  head  may 
have  fallen  upon  his  breast.  The  number  of  heads 
that  wouldn't,  under  the  circumstances,  are  mighty 
few.  She  was  overcome  with  grief  and  he  with  pity, 
and  he  tried  to  show  her  that  if  she  braced  up  and 
tried  to  lead  a  different  life,  and  shook  the  dancing 
hall  and  the  wicked  people  who  would  put  their 
arms  around  her,  she  might  yet  be  saved. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  175 

One  can  imagine  that  he  was  displeased  at  her 
going  into  a  giddy  throng,  to  be  hugged  in  plain 
sight,  to  the  music  of  a  band,  and  pointed  out  to  her 
how  much  more  beautiful  it  would  be  to  go  into  tne 
woods,  on  a  log. 

He  had,  it  is  alleged,  got  through  soothing  her, 
and  she  was  about  to  wipe  her  nose  on  her  handker 
chief,  and  he  was  about  to  remove  his  arm  from 
about  her  waist,  when  those  wicked  and  perverse 
men  from  the  saw  mill  came  whooping  into  the 
thicket  where  they  sat,  looking  for  a  mooley  cow 
with  one  horn  broke. 

Now,  the  elder  and  the  girl  knew  in  a  moment 
that  they  were  not  looking  for  a  mooley  cow,  but 
that  they  were  scoffers,  and  when  they  asked  the 
elder  if  he  had  seen  such  an.  animal,  he  rose  up  with 
much  dignity,  buttoned  up  his  coat,  and  in  a  pious 
manner  said  that  he  had  not  seen  the  cow.  He  did 
not  upbraid  them  for  breaking  into  the  solitude  of 
the  sacred  confessional,  looking  for  a  mooley  cow, 
but  seemed  to  act  the  perfect  gentleman  all  the  way 
through. 

Nothing  had  transpired  that  might  not  have  trans 
pired  in  a  parlor,  if  there  had  not  been  so  many  peo 
ple  in  the  house,  and  yet  these  illiterate  and  ungod 
ly  saw  mill  hands  went  off  and  told  a  story  that 
would  make  angels  blush.  It  is  possible  that  the 
elder  did  wrong  in  not  offering  to  go  with  them  and 
look  for  the  mooley  cow,  but  we  should  not  chide 
him  for  that.  He  probably  had  not  time  to  take  up 
a  collection  of  his  thoughts,  and  no  doubt  after  he 
thought  it  over  he  was  sorry  he  did  not  offer  his  ser 
vices  to  them  as  a  herder  of  mooley  cows,  but  it  was 
then  everlastingly  too  late. 


176  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

They  had  gone  and  told  the  old,  old  story,  and 
nothing  remained  to  be  done  but  to  call  a  church 
meeting,  which  was  done,  and  the  elder  and  the  girl 
were  acquitted  of  any  wrong  doing.  This  was  right. 
If  men  a/e  to  be  deposed  from  the  ministry  for  sit 
ting  down  on  a  log  and  consoling  a  female  parish 
ioner,  what  is  to  .become  of  the  world? 

We  don't  believe  the  elder  had  any  wrong  motive, 
or  that  a  thought  entered  his  head  that  might  not 
have  entered  any  man's  head  under  the  circum 
stances.  And  yet  it  was  unfortunate,  it  is  so  con 
founded  hard  to  explain  what  they  walked  a  mile 
for  to  get  into  the  woods  wliere  there  was  a  log. 

THE  HARMFUL  HAMMOCK. 

GEO.  W.  PECK,  of  Peck's  Sun,  knows  more  about 
the  harmful  hammock,  both  by  experience  and  ob 
servation,  than  any  other  man  in  America.  His 
testimony  runs  as  follows: 

A  young  couple  who  were  sitting  in  a  hammock 
at  one  of  the  watering  places  in  this  State  were 
severely  injured  by  tipping  over  backwards  and 
striking  on  the  cheek  of  a  head  waiter.  There  is 
something  about  a  hammock  that  is  indescribable, 
and  there  is  no  rule  that  can  be  made  that  will  in 
sure  safety  while  sitting  in  one  of  the  queer  things. 
There  are  people  who  believe  that  a  hammock  un 
derstands  what  is  going  on,  and  occasionally  in 
dulges  in  a  joke. 

It  is  certain  that  an  old  person  with  a  lame  back 
can  swing  in  a  hammock  half  the  day  and  it  will 
never  kick  up.  Servant  girls  and  children  can  get 
in  a  hammock  as  thick  as  three  in  a  bed  and  there 


PECK  S   SUNSHINE. 


177 


is  no  danger,  but  let  a  spoony  young  couple  sit  down 
in  a  hammock  ever  so  carefully  and  it  seems  as 
though  the  confounded  thing  was  alive,  and  had 
taken  a  contract  to  spill  them  out  on  the  ground  in 
all  sorts  of  embarrassing  shapes.  What  it  is  that 
causes  the  commotion  will,  perhaps,  never  be  known, 
without  an  investigation  by  some  middle  aged  per 
son,  and  if  the  season  was  not  so  near  over  we  would 


THE    HARMFUL    HAMMOCK. 

investigate  the  blasted  thing  ourself,  in  the  interest 
of  our  young  readers  who  are  in  the  full  blush  of 
hammockhood. 

There  can  be  nothing  much  more  annoying  to  a 
young  couple  than  to  be  sitting  side  by  side  or  facing 
each  other  in  a  hammock,  looking  into  each  other's 
eyes,  and  allowing  the  love  they  dare  not  speak  to 


178  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

show  itself  in  those  orbs,  and  just  as  they  are  feel 
ing  as  though  they  couldn't  live  a  minute  unless  they 
clasped  each  other  to  each  other's  heaving  bosoms, 
or  at  least  one  heaving  bosom  and  one  boiled  shirt, 
and  then  have  the  hammock  turn  bottom  side  up 
and  land  them  on  the  back  of  their  necks,  on  the 
ground,  with  legs  pointed  towards  the  crab  apples 
on  the  trees  to  which  the  hammock  is  hitched,  arms 
flinging  wildly  to  pull  down  pantaloon  legs,  and 
hands  convulsively  clawing  gravel  and  muslin  and 
delaine,  while  blushes  suffuse  faces  that  but  a  mo 
ment  before  were  a  background  for  the  picture  of 
love's  young  dream,  and  a  crowd  of  spectators  on 
the  hotel  verandah  laughing  and  saying,  "Set  'em 
up  again."  The  hammock  shakes  itself  and  turns 
right  side  up  for  other  victims,  as  though  it  knew 
what  it  had  been  doing,  and  enjoyed  it. 

There  are  young  men  all  over  the  land  who  have 
been  through  such  experiences,  and  had  to  walk 
backwards  all  the  way  to  the  house,  owing  to  fissure 
veins  being  discovered  in  the  wearing  apparel  be 
low  the  suspenders,  while  the  number  of  girls  that 
have  been  mortified  by  having  to  go  to  the  house 
with  their  back  hair  in  one  hand,  their  skirts  m  the 
other,  while  six  places  between  the  polonaise  and 
the  ear-rings  were  aching  like  the  toothache  from 
contact  with  the  gravel  path,  are  legion,  and  we 
call  upon  the  authorities  to  suppress  the  hammock 
as  a  nuisance. 

More  matches  have  been  broken  up  by  hammocks 
than  by  all  the  Sunday  schools  in  the  world,  and  no 
girl  who  is  bow-legged,  or  has  an  ankle  like  a  ruta 
baga,  should  ever  trust  herself  in  a  hammock,  even 
though  it  is  helcf  by  half  a  dozen  friends,  as  the 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  179 

hammock  will  shy  at  a  piece  of  paper  as  quick  as  a 
skittish  horse,  and  in  such  a  moment  as  ye  think 
not  you  are  on  all  fours,  your  head  dizzy,  and  if 
there  is  a  hole  in  your  stocking  as  small  as  a  Dem 
ocrat's  hope  of  election,  it  will  look  to  outsiders  as 
big  as  the  gate  to  a  fair  ground.  O,  a  hammock  is 
worse  than  a  bicycle. 

BOYS  AND  CIRCUSES. 

THERE  is  one  thing  the  American  people  have  got 
to  learn,  and  that  is  to  give  scholars  in  schools  a  half 
holiday  when  there  is  a  circus  in  town.  We  know 
that  we  are  in  advance  of  many  of  the  prominent 
educators  of  the  country  when  we  advocate  such  a 
policy,  but  sooner  or  later  the  people  whose  duty  it 
is  to  superintend  schools  will  learn  that  we  are  right, 
and  they  will  have  to  catch  up  with  us  or  resign. 

In  the  first  place,  a  boy  is  going  to  attend  a  circus, 
if  there  is  one  in  town,  and  the  question  before 
teachers  and  superintendents  should  be,  not  how  to 
prevent  him  from  going  to  the  circus,  but  how  to 
keep  his  mind  on  his  books  the  day  before  the  circus 
and  the  day  after.  There  have  been  several  million 
boys  made  into  liars  by  school  officials  attempting  to 
prevent  their  going  to  circuses,  and  we  contend  that 
it  is  the  duty  of  teachers  to  place  as  few  temptations 
to  lie  as  possible  in  the  way  of  boys. 

If  a  boy  knows  that  there  will  be  no  school  on  the 
afternoon  of  circus  day,  he  will  study  like  a  white- 
head  all  the  forenoon,  and  learn  twice  as  much  as 
he  will  in  all  day  if  he  can't  go.  If  he  knows  that 
there  is  a  conspiracy  on  foot  between  his  parents 
and  the  teachers  to  keep  him  from  the  circus,  he  be- 


180  .  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

gins  to  think  of  spine  lie  to  get  out  of  school.  He 
will  be  sick,  or  run  away,  or  something. 

He  will  get  there,  if  possible.  And  after  the  first 
lie  succeeds  in  getting  him  out  of  school,  he  is  a  liar 
from  the  word  go.  There  is  something,  some  sort  of 
electricity  that  runs  from  a  boy  to  a  circus,  and  all 
the  teachers  in  the  world  cannot  break  the  connec 
tion.  A  circus  is  the  boys'  heaven. 

You  may.  talk  to  him  about  the  beautiful  gates 
ajar,  and  the  angel  band  in  heaven  that  plays  around 
the  great  white  throne,  and  he  can't  understand  it, 
but  the  least  hint  about  the  circus  tent,  with  the  flap 
pulled  to  one  side  to  get  in,  and  the  band  wagon, 
and  the  girls  jumping  through  hoops',  and  the  clown, 
and  he  is  onto  your  racket  at  a  jump. 

You  may  try  to  paralyze  him  by  the  story  of 
Daniel  in  the  den  of  lions,  and  how  he  was  saved  by 
his  faith  in  a  power  above,  and  the  boy's  mind  will 
revert  to  the  circus,  where  a  man  in  tights^ and 
spangles  goes  in  and  bosses  the  lions  and  tigers 
around,  and  he  will  wonder  if  Daniel  had  a  rawhide, 
and  backed  out  of  the  cage  with  his  eye  on  the  boss 
lion. 

At  a  certain  age  a  circus  can  hold  over  heaven  or 
anything  else,  in  a  boy's  mind,  and  as  long  as  the 
circus  does  not  hurt  him,  why  not  shut  up  shop  a 
half  a  day  and  let  him  go?  If  you  keep  him  in 
school  he  won't  learn  anything,  and  he  will  go  to 
the  circus  in  the  evening,  and  be  up  half  the  night 
seeing  the  canvas  men  tear  down  the  tent  and  load 
up,  and  the  next  day  he  is  all  played  out  and  not 
worth  a  continental.  To  some  it  would  look  foolish 
to  dismiss  school  for  a  circus,  but  it  will  cement  a 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  181 

friendship  between  teachers  and  scholars  that  noth 
ing  else  could. 

Suppose,  a  day  or  two  before  a  circus  arrives,  the 
teacher  should  say  to  the  school:  k'Now  I  want  you 
kids  to  go  through  your  studies  like  a  tramp  through 
a  boiled  dinner,  and  when  the  circus  comes  we  wiH 
close  up  this  ranch  and  all  go  the  circus,  and  if  any 
of  you  can't  raise  the  money  to  go,  leave  your  names 
on  my  desk  and  I  will  see  you  inside  the  tent  if  I 
have  to  pawn  my  shirt." 

Of  course  it  is  a  male  teacher  we  are  supposing 
said  this.  Well,  don't  you  suppose  those  boys  and 
girls  would  study?  They  would  fairly  whoop  it  up. 
And  then  suppose  the  teacher  found  forty  boys  that 
hadn't  any  money  to  go,  and  he  had  no  school  funds 
to  be  used  for  such  a  purpose. 

How  long  would  it  take  him  to  collect  the  money 
by  going  around  among  business  men  who  had  been 
boys  themselves  ?  He  would  go  into  a  store  and  say 
he  was  trying  to  raise  money  to  take  some  of  the 
poor  children  to  the  circus,  and  a  dozen  hands  would 
go  down  into  a  dozen  pockets  in  two  jerks  of  a  con 
tinued  story,  and  they  would  all  chip  in. 

O,  we  are  too  smart.  We  are  trying  to  fire  edu 
cation  into  boys  with  a  shotgun,  when  we  ought  to 
get  it  into  them  inside  of  sugar  coated  pills.  Let  us 
turn  over  a  new  leaf  now,  and  show  these  boys  that 
we  have  got  souls  in  us,  and  that  we  want  them  to 
have  a  good  time  if  we  don't  lay  up  a  cent. 

A   TRYING    SITUATION. 

IT  was  along  in  the  winter,  and  the  prominent 
church  members  were  having  a  business  meeting  in 


182  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

the  basement  of  the  church  to  devise  ways  and 
means  to  pay  for  the  pulpit  furniture.  The  question 
of  an  oyster  sociable  had  been  decided,  and  they  got 
to  talking  about  oysters,  and  one  old  deaconess 
asked  a  deacon  if  he  didn't  think  raw  oysters  would 
go  further,  at  a  sociable,  than  stewed  oysters. 

He  said  he  thought  raw  oysters  would  go  further 
but  they  wouldn't  be  as  satisfying.  And  then  he 
went  on  to  tell  how  far  a  raw  oyster  went  once 
with  him.  He  said  he  was  at  a  swell  dinner  party, 
with  a  lady  on  each  side  of  him,  and  he  was  trying 
to  talk  to  both  of  them,  or  carry  on  two  conversa 
tions,  on  two  different  subjects,  at  the  same  time. 

They  had  some  shell  oysters,  and  he  took  up  one 
on  a  fork — a  large,  fat  one — and  was  about  to  put  it 
in  his  mouth,  when  the  lady  on  his  left  called  his 
attention,  and  when  the  cold  fork  struck  his  teeth, 
and  no  oyster  on  it,  he  felt  as  though  it  had  escaped, 
but  he  made  no  sign.  He  went  on  talking  with  the 
lady  as  though  nothing  had  happened.  He  glanced 
down  at  his  shirt  bosom,  and  was  at  once  on  the  trail 
of  the  oyster,  though  the  insect  had  got  about  two 
minutes  start  of  him.  It  had  gone  down  his  vest, 
under  the  waistband  of  his  clothing,  and  he  was 
powerless  to  arrest  its  progress. 

He  said  he  never  felt  how  powerless  he  was  until 
he  tried  to  grab  that  oyster  by  placing  his  hand  on 
his  person,  outside  his  clothes;  then,  as  the  oyster 
slipped  around  from  one  place  to  another,  he  felt 
that  man  was  only  a  poor,  weak  creature. 

The  oyster,  he  observed,  had  very  cold  feet,  and 
the  more  he  tried  to  be  calm  and  collected,  the  more 
the  oyster  seemed  to  walk  around  among  his  vitals. 

He  says  he  does  not   know  whether   the  ladies 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  183 

noticed  the  oyster  when  it  started  on  its  travels,  or 
not,  but  he  thought  as  he  leaned  back  and  tried  to 
loosen  up  his  clothing,  so  it  would  hurry  down 
towards  his  shoes,  that  they  winked  at  each  other, 
though  they  might  have  been  winking  at  something 
else. 

The  oyster  seemed  to  be  real  spry  until  it  got  out 
of  reach,  and  then  it  got  to  going  slow,  as  the  slick- 
ery  covering  wore  off,  and  by  the  time  it  had  worked 
into  his  trousers  leg,  it  was  going  very  slow,  though 
it  remained  cold  to  the  last,  and  he  hailed  the  arrival 
of  that  oyster  into  the  heel  of  his  stocking  with  more 
delight  than  he  did  the  raising  of  the  American  flag 
over  Vicksburg,  after  the  long  siege. 


THE  sleeping  car  companies  are  discussing  the 
idea  advanced  by  the  'Sun,  of  placing  safes  in  the 
cars,  or  iron  drawers  with  locks,  into  which  passen 
gers  can  place  their  watches  and  money.  We  trust 
the  iron  drawers  will  be  adopted,  as  the  flannel 
drawers  now  used  are  not  safe  by  any  means.  It  is 
true  they  are  sometimes  tied  with  a  string  in  the 
small  of  the  back,  but  the  combination  is  not  diffi 
cult  for  even  a  stranger  to  unlock,  unless  it  is  tied 
in  a  hard  knot.  Give  us  iron  drawers  in  a  sleeping 
car  V>y  all  means.  To  be  sure  they  will  be  cold;  but 
everything  is  cold  in  a  sleeping  car  except  the 
colored  porter. 


SEVERAL  proprietors  of  eastern  resorts  have  an 
nounced  that  only  adults  will  be  entertained,  and 
that  no  children  will  be  admitted  as  guests  on  any 


184  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

terms.  At  first  we  would  be  inclined  to  say  that  a 
hotel  proprietor  who  would  make  such  a  distinction 
could  have  no  soul,  but  when  we  reflect  that  the 
proprietor  is  catering  to  the  pleasure  of  a  majority 
of  his  guests,  then  we  conclude  that  the  guests  are 
devoid  of  souls. 

What  kind  of  a  place  would  a  summer  resort  be 
without  happy  children?  It  would  be  a  hospital  f co- 
decayed  roues,  very  old  maids,  women  who  hated 
children,  smart  Alecks  who  were  mashers,  dead 
beats  and  sour  curmudgeons.  The  day  would  be  put 
in  in  gossiping,  exercising  old  flirts  with  stiff  joints, 
drinking  at  somebody's  expense,  and  fishing  for  rich 
husbands  with  graveyard  coughs,  and  angling  for 
women  who  wanted  to  be  caught  and  didn't  care  a 
continental  who  caught  them. 

The  atmosphere  about  such  a  place  would  be  a 
blizzard  of  heat  and  cold,  filled  with  fine  sand,  and 
-would  make  a  person  with  a  heart,  who  loved  chil 
dren,  think  he  or  she  was  in  hell  looking  for  an  arte 
sian  well. 

A  hotel  proprietor  who  will  thus  insult  the  better 
part  of  the  human  race,  should  be  ignored  entirely 
by  all  who  love  children,  and  he  should  be  compelled 
to  stand  on  his  deserted  verandah  all  the  season  and 
see  his  rival  across  the  way,  who  entertains  chil 
dren,  surrounded  by  the  richest  and  best  guests,  and 
the  soulless  creature,  and  the  few  soulless,  dys 
peptic  boarders  that  he  has,  should  be  obliged  to 
listen  to  the  laughter  of  thousands  of  happy  chil 
dren  running  races  and  playing  tag  up  and  down 
the  lawn  of  the  man  Who  has  a  soul. 

No  one  who  would  patronize  a  summer  hotel  that 
refuses  little  children  a  breath  of  God's  fresh  air 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  185 

should  enjoy  a  moment's  pleasure.  Mosquitoes 
should  bore  them,  and  country  dogs  should  bark  all 
night  and  keep  them  awake.  Be  they  male  or  female 
resorters,  we  pray  for  ants  to  crawl  up  them,  for 
bugs  and  worms  to  go  down  them,  for  snakes  to 
frighten  them  out  of  their  boots  or  gaiters,  for  coun 
try  cows  to  run  them  out  of  pastures,  and  fleas  to 
get  inside  their  night  gowns  and  practice  the  lancers 
all  night.  May  their  food  disagree  with  them,  their 
clothes  fail  to  come  back  from  the  laundry,  and  their 
bandoline  lose  its  staying  qualities. 

And  may  those  at  the  house  where  children  are 
welcome  have  health  and  happiness,  and  may  they 
get  to  heaven,  eventually,  with  the  children,  and 
while  on  the  way  up  there  may  they  throw  a  bundle 
of  prepared  kindling  wood  into  the  pit  below  where 
the  child  haters  are  sighing  for  zinc  ulsters. 

THE  KIND  OF  A  DOCTOR,  TO  HAVE. 

A  DISPATCH  from  Long  Branch  announces  that 
"Dr.  Bliss  goes  to  New  York  for  a  few  hours  to 
day."  That  is  encouraging.  If  the  doctors  had  kept 
away  from  the  President  more  he  would  have  been 
better.  He  has  had  from  one  to  six  doctors  in  sight, 
night  and  day,  for  over  ten  weeks.  Take  a  man  here 
at  home  that  is  sick,  and  let  a  doctor  go  and  stay 
with  him  night  and  day,  and  how  long  do  you  sup 
pose  the  man  would  live? 

What  a  sick  man  wants  is  to  .have  a  doctor  go 
around  practicing  on  other  people,  and  come  in  once 
or  twice  a  day,  blow  off  a  little  steam,  slap  the 
patient  OB  ":;  leg  and  say,  "Well,  boss,  how's  your 
liver?"  A  sick  man  wants  to  have  a  doctor  forget 


186  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

to  come  some  time  when  he  is  expected,  and  get 
nervous  about  it,  instead  of  getting  nervous  because 
the  pill-bags  is  there  all  the  time,  smelling  of  every 
thing. 

Let  a  doctor  that  is  due  at  the  bedside  at  4  o'clock, 
say,  stay  away  till  6,  and  then  come  in  and  tell  about 
being  clown  on  the-  South  Side  to  see  about  some 
body's  having  a  sick  baby,  or  to  sew  up  a  man  that 
has  been  to  a  circus,  and  the  cross  patient  that  has 
been  waiting  for  the  doctor  till  he  got  mad,  is  better 
at  once.  It  cheers  him  to  know  that  somebody  else 
has  a  baby  or  had  a  gash  cut  in  him  in  a  fight,  and 
changes  his  mind  about  swearing  at  the  doctor,  and 
feels  better. 

Why,  some  of  our  best  doctors  never  think  of  cur 
ing  a  man  until  they  get  him  mad  a  few  times.  It 
braces  a  man  up  to  get  mad  and  think,  "Now  that 
confounded  old  pill-bags  has  forgotten  all  about  me, 
and  I'll  bet  he  is  in  a  saloon  somewhere  shaking  the 
dice  for  the  drinks."  A  sick  man  gains  strength, 
actually,  lying  in  bed  and  thinking  how  he  would 
like  to  kick  the  stuffin'  out  of  a  doctor. 

A  doctor  who  has  only  one  patient  is  a  damage  to 
the  patient,  and  Garfield  has  suffered  more  by  hav 
ing  those  doctors  around  when  he  ought  to  have 
been  left  alone  till  he  yearned  for  them,  than  any 
body  imagines.  Why,  the  feeling  of  a  man's  pulse 
for  half  an  hour,  and  timing  it  as  you  would  a  trot 
ting  horse,  is  enough  to  make  a  well  man  sick. 
What  a  doctor  wants  to  do  is  to  feel  of  a  man's  pulse 
about  one  second,  and  then  throw  the  patient's  hand 
down  and  say:  "O,  you  are  all  right.  We  will  have 
you  entered  in  a  walking  match  next  week." 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  18? 

He  wants  to  say  something  of  this  kind  if  the  man 
is  dying,  A  doctor  has  got  to  be  a  good  deal  of 
a  liar,  to  succeed.  We  do  not  mean  to  say  Bliss  is 
not  a  liar,  but  somehow  he  does  not  seem  to  display 
judgment.  He  is  too  much  of  a  stayer.  Bliss  is  too 
frequent. 

THEY  DON'T  KNOW  WHAT  THEY  ABE  TALKING 
ABOUT. 

A  CELEBRATED  writer  on  the  state  of  the  country, 
has  an  article  in  a  magazine,  in  which  occurs  the 
following  paragraph: 

"  The  defects  of  the  New  England  girl  may  be  done  away  with 
by  giving  less  prominence  to  the  purely  intellectual  or  purely 
practical  side  of  her  education." 

In  the  first  place,  we  do  not  admit  that  there  are 
any  defects  in  the  Boston  girl,  but  if  there  are 
defects,  as  is  alleged  by  the  writer  above,  and  by 
other  scientific  persons,  we  do  not  see  how  giving 
less  prominence  to  her  intellectuality  is  going  to  do 
away  with  them.  For  instance,  there  is  a  defect  in 
the  girl  whereby  she  has  a  shin  on  both  sides  of  her 
lower  limb,  or  an  indentation  where  there  should  be 
the  customary  calf — we  say  calf  advisedly,  because 
it  is  ajpalf,  and  no  person  need  be  ashamed  of  it, 
even  if  it  is  terrible  slim — we  don't  see  how  that 
defect  can  be  done  away  with  by  giving  less  promi 
nence  to  the  purely  practical  side  of  her  education. 
It  does  not  stand  to  reason.  Sawdust,  or  bran 
would  be  worth  two  of  it. 

Or,  again,  suppose  the  New  England  girl  has  no 
hips  to  speak  of,  or  her  stomach  is  caved  in  where 


188  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

there  should  be  a  fullness,  is  the  giving  of  less  pro 
minence  to  the  purely  intellectual  side  of  -her  educa 
tion  going  to  do  away  with  these  defects,  or  fill  up 
the  waste  places  and  make  them  glad?  Not  much! 
A  sack  of  canary  seed,  or  a  rubber  air  cushion,  or  a 
bale  of  cotton,  beats  the  Boston  idea  all  hollow,  and 
we  will  leave  it  to  anybody  that  knows  anything. 

Now,  as  to  hair.  '  Suppose  the  Boston  girl  has  no 
more  natural  hair  than  one  of  these  Mexican  dogs, 
is  education  going  to  raise  a  crop  of  hair?  Not  by 
any  means — she  has  got  to  buy  it. 

No,  you  Boston  magazine  critters  can  theoretically 
take  a  plain,  unvarnished  New  England  girl  with 
the^se  defects,  and  give  all  the  prominence  you  want 
to  to  the  practical  side  of  ber  education,  and  "you 
may  imagine  you  can  do  away  with  these  defects 
and  make  her  pass  muster  in  a  crowd,  but  when  you 
get  all  through  she  will  be  homely  as  a  stone  fence, 
and  some  western  girl,  with  no  defects  at  all,  just  a 
natural  born  jolly  girl,  with  not  too  much  educa 
tion  and  intellectuality,,  will  come  along  there,  and 
.  all  Boston  will  go  crazy  after  her. 

You  fellows,  don't  seem  to  know  what  you  are 
talking  about.  Well,  we  don't  know  what  we  are 
talking  about  either,  but  we  had  to  write  something 
to  fill  up  with,  and  girls  are  the  easiest  things  in  the 
world  to  write  about. 

A    KANSAS    CYCLONE. 

THE  little  town  of  Clyde,  Kansas,  is  mighty  full  of 
vinegar  for  a  place  of  its  size.  The  principal  amuse 
ment  the  boys  have  is  to  scare  the  daylights  out  of 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  189 

visitors  from  the  States  by  telling  big  stories  about 
•cyclones. 

There  are  two  young  fellows  in  business  there 
named  Will  May  and  Charley  Armstrong.  They 
have  a  store  where  they  buy  butter,  and  eggs,  and 
things,  and  pack  them  for  the  Eastern  market. 
Last  June,  Uncle  Armstrong,  father  of  Charley, 
and  a  young  fellow  named  Charley  Farmer,  were 
out  there  visiting.  The  hosts  entertained  the 
guests  to  the  most  hair-standing  stories  about 
cyclones,  until  they  were  SQ  nervous  they  couldn't 
sleep  at  night. 

One  night  the  guests  had  retired,  and  the  zephyr 
was  pretty  loud.  Will  and  Charley  got  into  the  room 
adjoining  that  occupied  by  the  guests,  and  began 
to  talk  about  funnel-shaped  clouds,  trees  torn  up  by 
the  roots,  horses  flying  through  the  air,  and  wagons 
being  taken  up  bodily  and  carried  away — talking  so 
the  guests  could  hear  them.  Then  they  prayed  for 
strength  to  pull-  them  through  the  fearful  ordeal; 
and,  pretending  that  a  cyclone  was  upon  them,  they 
started  down  stairs  head  over  appetite,  to  get  into 
the  refrigerator,  in  the  cellar,  for  safety,  yelling  to 
the  guests  to  fly  for  their  lives. 

Uncle  Armstrong  is  getting  pretty  well  along  in 
years,  but  he  got  clown  to  the  cellar  about  ten  stairs 
ahead  of  young  Farmer,  and  asked  to  be  allowed  to 
get  into  the  refrigerator  first.'  It  seemed  a  little 
cruel  to  the  boys  to  let  the  guests  get  in  there  with 
nothing  on  but  their  undershirts,  but  they  were  going 
to  have  some  fun,  so  they  put  them  in  among  the 
cakes  of  ice,  and  Uncle  Armstrong  sat  down  oil  the 
zinc  floor  and  allowed  that  if  his  life  was  spared  till 
morning,  he  would  never  set  foot  in  Kansas  again. 


190  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Young  Farmer  sat  on  a  firkin  of  butter,  and  leaned 
against  the  zinc  lined  side  of  the  refrigerator,  and 
tried  to  pray,  but  he  had  forgotten  the  combination, 
and  couldn't  make  a  first  payment. 

Will  and  Charley  went  up  stairs  ostensibly  to  lock 
the  safe,  but  really  to  go  on  with  the  programme. 
The  first  thing  they  did  was  to  fire  off  a  shotgun,  and 
roll  a  keg  of  shingle-nails  down  the  cellar  stairs,  and 
yell  to  the  guests  in  the  refrigerator  to  look  out  for 
God's  sake,  as  the  house  was  struck  by  lightning. 

Young  Farmer  got  down  off  the  .firkir ,  and  got  on 
his  knees,  and  tried  to  repeat  some  Sunday  school 
lesson,  but  all  he  could  think  of  was,  "Evil  commu 
nications  corrupt  two  in  the  bush."  The  old  gentle 
man,  who  was  struck  in  the  small  of  the  back  by  a 
piece  of  ice  that  fell  off  some  butter,  thought  he  was 
struck  by  lightning;  so  he  began  to  sing,  "A  charge 
to  keep  I  have." 

The  boys  up  stairs  got  a  bag  of  buckshot,  and 
opened  it,  and  every  little  while  would  throw  a 
handful  onto  the  outside  cellar  door,  right  above  the 
heads  of  the  freezing  occupants  of  the  refrigerator, 
at  the  same  time  pounding  a  piece  of  sheet  iron  to 
make  thunder.  They  kept  thig  up  for  an  hour,  and 
then  got  a  barrel  and  filled  it  with  broken  glass  and 
pieces  of  crockery,  and  they  would  roll  it  across  the 
floor  above,  while  one  would  take  an  ax  and  pound 
on  some  bar  iron  that  was  leaning  against  the  wall, 
making  a  most  hideous  noise. 

Charley  Farmer  said  he  supposed  he  was  as  well 
prepared  to  die  as  he  ever  would  be,  but  he  said  he 
would  give  ten  dollars  if  he  had  his  pants  down 
there. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 


191 


Uncle  Armstrong  asked  him  what  difference  it 
made  whether  he  had  his  pants  on  or  not,  and 
Charley  said  he  didn't  want  to  be  ushered  into  the 
New  Jerusalem  with  all  his  sins  on  his  head,  before 
the  angels,  and  nothing  on  but  a  knit  undershirt. 

They  were  discussing  this  question  when  Will  May 
crawled  down  stairs 
with  a  tin  wash-boil 
er,  and  just  as  Char 
ley  rolled  the  barrel 
of  broken  window 


glass  down  the  cellar 
stairs,  Will  mashed  the 
boiler  against  the  refri 
gerator,  and  both  gave 


A    KANSAS    CYCLONE. 


vent  to  a  dying  groan,  closed  their  eyes,  and  then 
all  was  still. 

The  prisoners  thought  it  was  all  over,  and  they 
didn't  stir  for  about  ten  minutes.  They  thought  the 
house  had  blown  away,  and  left  them  alive,  and 
they  were  inclined  to  be  thankful  even  for  that; 
when  Charley  and  Will  came  down  and  opened  the 
refrigerator,  and  told  them  the  storm  was  over,  but 


192  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

that  it  was  the  almightiest  cyclone  that  ever  passed 
over  Kansas. 

HOW  JEFF  DAVIS  WAS  CAPTURED. 

THE  accounts  of  the  capture  of  Jeff  Davis,  in  his 
wife's  clothes,  which  have  been  published  ever  since 
the  war,  have  caused  many  to  laugh,  and  has  sur 
rounded  the  last  days  of  the  confederacy  with  a  halo 
of  ludicrousness  that  has  caused  much  hard  feeling 
between  Mr.  Davis  and  the  American  people.  His 
friends  would  have  been  much  better  pleased  if  he 
had  bared  his  breast  to  the  cavalryman  who  cap 
tured  him,  and  been  run  through  with  a  sabre,  and 
died  with  some  proud  last  words  on  his  lips,  such  as, 
"Who  will  care  for  mother  now,"  or  ''The  cause  is 
lost.  Send  out  a  search  warrant  to  find  it." 

It  was  a  terribly  ridiculous  ending  to  a  great 
struggle,  the  way  we  have  been  in  the  habit  of  read 
ing  the  story,  but  now  we  have  a  new  light  on  the 
subject.  Mr.  Davis  has  written  a  book  on  the  war, 
and  in  it  he  gives  the  following  particulars  of  his 
capture  and  the  bravery  he  displayed.  Instead  of 
sneaking  off  in  his  wife's  petticoat,  after  a  pail  of 
spring  water,  Mr.  Davis  describes  that  escape  as  be 
ing  almost  a  bloody  encounter.  He  says: 

"  I  had  gone  perhaps  fifteen  or  twenty  yards  when 
a  trooper  galloped  up  and  ordered  me  to  halt  and 
surrender,  to  which  I  gave  a  defiant  answer,  and, 
dropping  the  shawl  and  raglan  from  my  shoulders, 
advanced  toward  him.  He  leveled  his  carbine  at  me, 
but  I  expected  if  he  fired  he  would  miss  me,  and  my 
intention  was,  in  that  event,  to  put  my  hand  under 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  193 

his  foot,  tumble  him  off  on  the  other  side,  spring  in 
to  his  saddle  and  attempt  to  escape.  My  wife,  who 
had  been  watching,  when  she  saw  the  soldier  aim 
his  carbine  at  me,  ran  forward  and  threw  her  arms 
around  me.  Success  depended  on  instantaneous  ac 
tion,  and,  recognizing  that  the  opportunity  had  "been 
lost,  I  turned  back,  and,  the  morning  being  damp 
and  chilly,  passed  on  to  a  fire  beyond  the  tent." 

This  puts  an  entirely  different  face  on  the  affair, 
and  instead  of  being  a  childish  coward,  he  repre 
sents  himself  to  have  been  an  arch  conspirator,  who 
disguised  himself  as  a  female  to  get  a  good  chance 
to  throw  a  boy  off  his  horse  and  steal  the  horse.  We 
can  only  admire  the  calm  determination  of  the  man, 
as  he  stood  there  waiting  for  the  boy  to  shoot,  so  he 
could  rush  up,  unarmed,  put  his  hand  under  the 
soldier's  foot,  tip  him  off  the  horse,  get  on  himself , 
without  receipting  to  the  government  for  the  horse, 
and  skedaddle. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  inquire  what. the  boy  would 
have  been  doing  all  the  time  Jeff  was  pulling  him 
off  the  horse.  We  all  know  how  easy  it  is  for  an 
unarmed  old  man  to  spill  a  healthy  soldier  off  a 
horse.  We  can  readily  see  that  the  soldier  could  not 
have  whacked  the  old*  fellow  over  the  head  with  the 
empty  carbine,  or  drawn  his  sabre  and  run  him 
through,  or  given  him  a  few  shots  out  of  a  revolver. 

Jeff  had,  no  doubt,  arranged  in  his  own  mind  to 
chloroform  the  bold  Michigan  cavalryman,  but  his 
wife  broke  it  all  up  by  throwing  her  arms  around 
him  at  an  inopportune  moment,  thus  pinioning  the 
President  of  the  Confederacy  so  he  could  not  whip 
the  Union  army.  And  so,  like  Adam,  Jeff  lays  the 


194  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

whole  business  to  the  woman.  What  would  we  do 
without  women  to  lay  everything  to? 

And  while  Jeff  must  ever  doubt  the  judgment  of 
his  wife  in  breaking  up  his  plans  at  that  trying  mo 
ment,  when  so  much  was  at  stake,  how  that  soldier, 
whose  lile  was  saved  by  her  act,  must  revere  her 
memory!  Had  the  woman  not  held  Jeff  the  soldier 
must  have  been  pitched  off  his  horse,  and  striking 
on  his  head,  he  must  have  been  killed. 

Mr.  Davis  does  not  say  so,  but  we  have  no  doubt 
his  plan  was  to  have  the  soldier  strike  on  his  head 
on  a  projecting  root  or  stone,  so  he  would  be  killed. 
If  there  should  be  another  war,  we  should  never 
join  the  cavalry  branch  of  the  service  unless  there 
was  an  understanding  that  no  old  men,  armed  with 
petticoats  and  tin  water  pails,  should  be  allowed  to 
charge  on  cavalrymen  and  throw  them  off  their 
horses. 

It  is  said  that  during  the  late  war  no  man  ever 
saw  a  dead  cavalryman,  but  if  the  tactics  of  Mr. 
Davis  had  been  adopted  early  in  the  war,  the  mor 
tality  must  have  been  fearful,  and  perhaps  the  re 
sult  of  the  war  would  have  been  different.  We  can 
not  be  too  thankful  that  Jeff  didn't  think  of  that 
way  of  demoralizing  cavalry  before. 

THOSE  BOLD,  BAD  DRUMMERS. 

ABOUT  seventy-five  traveling  men  were  snowed  in 
at  Green  Bay  during  a  late  blockade,  and  they  were 
pretty  lively  around  the  hotels,  having  quiet  fun 
Friday  and  Saturday,  and  passing  away  the  time 
the  best  they  could,  some  playing  seven  up,  others 
playing  billiards,  and  others  looking  on.  Some  of 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  19S 

the  truly  good  people  in  town  thought  the  boys  were 
pretty  tough,  and  they  wore  long  faces  and  prayed 
for  the  blockade  to  raise  so  the  spruce  looking  chaps 
could  go  away. 

The  boys  noticed  that  occasionally  a  lantern-jawed 
fellow  would  look  pious  at  them,  as  though  afraid 
he  would  be  contaminated,  so  Sunday  morning  they 
decided  to  go  to  church  in  a  body.  Seventy-five  of 
them  slicked  up  and  marched  to  the  Rev.  Dr.  Mor 
gan's  church,  where  the  reverend  gentleman  was 
going  to  deliver  a  sermon  on  temperance.  No  min 
ister  ever  had  a  more  attentive  audience,  or  a  more 
intelligent  one,  and  when  the  collection  plate  was 
passed  every  last  one  of  the  travelers  chipped  in  a 
silver  dollar. 

When  the  sexton  had  received  the  first  ten  dollars 
the  perspiration  stood  out  on  his  forehead  as  though 
he  had  been  caught  in  something.  It  was  getting 
heavy,  something  that  never  occurred  before  in  the 
history  of  church  collections  at  the  Bay.  As  he 
passed  by  the  boys,  and  dollar  after  dollar  was  added 
to  his  burden,  he  felt  like  he  was  at  a  picnic,  and 
when  twenty-five  dollars  had  accumulated  on  the 
plate  he  had  to  hold  it  with  both  hands,  and  finally 
the  plate  was  full,  and  he  had  to  go  and  empty  it  on 
'the  table  in  front  of  the  pulpit,  though  he  was  care 
ful  to  remember  where  he  left  off,  so  he  wouldn't  go 
twice  to  the  same  drummer. 

As  he  poured  the  shekels  out  on  the  table,  as  still 
as  he  could,  every  person  in  the  audience  almost 
raised  up  to  look  at  the  pile,  and  there  was  a  smile 
on  every  face,  and  every  eye  turned  to  the  part  of 
the  church  where  sat  the  seventy-five  solemn  look 
ing  traveling  men,  who  never  smole  a  smile.  The 


196  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

sexton  looked  up  to  the  minister,  who  was  picking 
out  a  iiymn,  as  much  as  4o  say,  "Boss,  we  have 
struck  it  rich,  and  I  am  going  back  to  work  the  lead 
some  more."  The  minister  looked  at  the  boys,  and 
then  at  the  sexton  as  though  saying,  "Verily,  I 
would  rather  preach  to  seventy-five  Milwaukee  and 
Chicago  drummers  than  to  own  a  brewery.  Go, 
thou,  and  reap  some  more  trade  dollars  in  my  vine 
yard." 

The  sexton  went  back  and  commenced  where  he 
left  off.  He  had  his  misgivings,  thinking  maybe 
some  of  the  boys  would  glide  out  in  his  absence,  or 
think  better  of  the  affair  and  only  put  in  nickels  on 
the  second  heat,  but  the  first  man  the  sexton  held 
out  the  platter  to  planked  down  his  dollar,  and  all 
the  boys  followed  suit,  not  a  man  "passed"  or  "re, 
nigged,"  and  when  the  last  drummer  had  been  in 
terviewed  the  sexton  carried  the  biggest  load  of  sil 
ver  back  to  the  table  that  he  ever  saw. 

Some  of  the  silver  dollars  rolled  off  on  the  floor, 
and  he  had  to  put  some  in  his  coat  pockets,  but  he 
got  them  all,  and  looked  around  at  the  congregation 
with  a  smile  and  wiped  the  perspiration  off  his  fore 
head  with  a  bandanna  handkerchief  and  winked,  as 
much  as  to  say,  "The  first  man  that  speaks  disre 
spectfully  of  a  traveling  man  in  my  presence  will 
get  thumped,  and  don't  you  forget  it." 

The  minister  rose  up  in  the  pulpit,  looked  at  the 
wealth  on  the  table,  and  read  the  hymn,  "A  charge 
to  keep  I  have,"  and  the  congregation  joined,  the 
travelers  swelling  the  glad  anthem  as  though  they 
belonged  to  a  Pinafore  chorus.  They  all  bowed  their 
heads  while  the  minister,  with  one  eye  on  the  dol- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  19? 

lars,  pronounced  the  benediction,  and  the  services 
were  over. 

The  traveling  men  filed  out  through  the  smiles  of 
the  ladies  and  went  to  the  hotel,  while  half  the  con 
gregation  went  forward  to  the  anxious  seat,  to 
"view  the  remains."  It  is  safe  to  say  that  it  will  be 
unsafe,  in  the  future,  to  speak  disparagingly  of 
traveling  men  in  Green  Bay,  as  long  as  the  memory 
of  that  blockade  Sunday  remains  green  with  the 
good  people  there. 

ANGELS  OB  EAGLES. 

WE  are  told  that  in  the  revision  of  the  Bible  the 
passage,  "And  I  beheld  an  angel  flying  through  the 
midst  of  heaven,"  has  been  changed  to  "  eagle,"  and 
that  all  allusions  to  angels  have  been  changed  to 
"eagles."  This  knocks  the  everlasting  spots  out  of 
the  angel  business,  and  the  poetry  of  wanting  to  be 
an  angel,  "and  with  the  angels  stand,"  has  become 
the  veriest  prose. 

We  have  never  had  any  particular  desire  to  stand 
with  angels,  not  this  year,  but  there  was  a  certain 
beauty  in  the  idea  that  we  would  all  be  angels  when 
we  got  through  whooping  it  up  down  here  and  went 
to  heaven. 

Particularly  was  this  the  case  with  children  and 
women,  and  old  persons,  and  to  have  the  angel  busi 
ness  wiped  out  by  a  lot  of  white  chokered  revisers  is 
too  much.  There  are  many  of  us  that  would  never 
make  very  attractive  angels,  unless  we  were  altered 
over  a1  good  deal,  and  made  smaller. 

Some  of  us,  to  pass  current  among  angels,  would 
have  to  wear  wigs.  How  would  a  male  bald-headed 


198  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

angel,  with  a  red  nose,  and  one  eye  gone,  look  fly 
ing  a  match  through  the  blue  ethereal  space  with  a 
trim  built  girl  angel?  The  other  angels  would  just 
sit  around  on  the  ground,  picking  pin  feathers  out  of 
their  wings,  and  laugh  so  a  fellow  would  want  to  go 
off  somewhere  and  get  behind  a  tree  and  condemn 
his  luck. 

There  are  few  men  who  would  be  improved  by 
fastening  wings  on  their  shoulder  blades,  and  we 
never  believed  they  could  make  the  thing  work,  but 
the  preachers  have  kept  pounding  it  into  us  until  we 
all  got  an  idea  there  would  be  some  process  that 
could  transform  us  into  angels  that  would  pass  in  a 
crowd. 

Now,  you  take  Long  John  Wentworth,  of  Chicago, 
a  man  seven  feet  high,  and  weighing  four  hundred 
pounds.  What  kind  of  an  angel  would  he  make? 
They  would  have  to  put  wings  on  him  as  big  as  a 
side  show  tent,  or  he  never  could  make  any  head 
way.  Just  imagine  John  circling  around  over  the 
New  Jerusalem,  until  he  saw  a  twenty  dollar  gold 
piece  loose  in  the  pavement  of  the  golden  streets. 
He  would  cut  loose  and  go  down  there  so  quick  it 
would  break  him  all  up. 

And  then  suppose  angel  Storey,  of  the  Times,  and 
angel  Medill,  of  the  Tribune,  should  have  got  their 
eyes  on  that  loose  gold  piece,  and  got  there  about 
the  same  time  before  angel  John  arrived,  and  should 
be  quarreling  over  it?  John  would  knock  Storey 
over  onto  a  hydrant  with  one  wing,  and  mash  angel 
Medill  in  the  gutter  with  the  other,  and  take  the 
gold  piece  in  his  toes  and  fly  off  to  where  the  choir 
was  singing,  and  break  them  all  up  singing,  " You'll 
never  miss  the  water  till  the  well  runs  dry." 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  199 

We  have  never  taken  a  great  deal  of  stock  in  the 
angel  doctrine,  because  we  knew  pretty  well  what 
kind  of  material  they  would  have  to  be  made  of,  but 
we  had  rather  be  an  angel  than  an  eagle.  Who  the 
deuce  wants  to  die  and  be  an  eagle,  like  "Old  Abe," 
and  eat  rats  ?  In  a  heaven  full  of  eagles  there 
would  be  the  worst  clawing  that  ever  was,  and  the 
air  would  be  full  of  feathers.  Eagles  won't  do, 
and  the  revisers  ought  to  have  known  it. 

If  we  have  got  to  be  anything  let  us  insist  on  be 
ing  angels,  via  the  Bible,  and  then  we  can  have 
some  fun.  With  big  flocks  of  angels,  and  good 
weather,  and  nothing  to  do  but  to  sing  praises  and 
browse  around  to  pass  away  the  time,  and  no  rent  to 
pay,  and  no  bills  of  any  kind  to  keep  track  of,  it 
does  seem  as  though  some  of  us  could  think  of  some 
tableaux,  or  picnic,  or  something  to  have  a  good 
time,  but  let  us  strike  on  being  eagles,  revisers  or 
no  revisers. 

AN  ACCIDENT  ALL  ABOUND. 

A  MOST  ridiculous  scene  occurred  at  a  church  in 
Newcastle,  Penn.,  one  Sunday,  a  short  time  a^o.  A 
policeman  was  passing  the  church  as  a  gentleman 
came  out.  The  man  jokingly  accosted  the  police 
man  and  said  he  was  wanted  inside,  meaning  that 
he  would  be  glad  to  have  him  turn  from  the  error 
of  his  ways,  and  seek  the  truth  and  enjoy  a  peace 
that  passeth  all  understanding.  The  stupid  police 
man  thought  there  was  some  trouble  in  the  church, 
so  he  went  in. 

The  sexton,  seeing  a  policeman,  was  anxious  to 
give  him  a  favorable  seat,  so  he  said,  "Come  right  in 


200 


PECK'S   SUNSHINE. 


here,"  and  he  took  him  into  a  pew  and  waved  his 
hand  as  much  as  to  say,  "Help  yourself."  There 
was  another  man  in  the  pew,  a  deacon  with  a  sinis 
ter  expression,  as  the  policeman  thought,  and  he 
supposed  that  was  the  man  they  wanted  arrested,  so 
he  tapped  the  deacon  on  the  arm  and  told  him  to 


come  along.  The 
deacon  turned  pale 
and  edged  along 
as  though  to  get 
away,  when  the 
policeman  took 
him  by  the  collar 
and  jerked  him  out 


AN    ACCIDENT. 


into  the  aisle.  The  deacon  struggled,  thinking  the 
policeman  was  crazy,  and  tried  to  get  away,  but  he 
was  dragged  along.  Many  of  the  congregation 
thought  that  the  deacon  had  been  doing  something 
wrong,  and  some  of  them  got  behind  the  deacon  and 
helped  the  officer  fire  him  out. 

Arriving  at  the  lock-up,  the  policeman  saw  the 
man  who  told  him  he  was  wanted  in  the  church  and 
asked  him  what  the  charge  was  against  the  deacon, 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  201 

and  he  didn't  know,  so  the  sexton  was  appealed  to, 
and  he  didn't  know,  and  finally  the  prisoner  was 
asked  what  it  was  all  about,  and  he  didn't  know. 

The  policeman  was  asked  what  he  arrested  the 
man  for,  and  he  didn't  know,  and  after  awhile  the 
matter  was  explained,  and  the  policeman,  who  had 
to  arrest  somebody,  took  the  man  into  custody  who 
told  him  he  was  wanted  in  the  church,  and  he  was 
fined  five  dollars  and  costs. 

He  says  he  will  never  try  to  convert  a  policeman 
again,  and  the  policeman  says  he  will  never  go  into 
a  church  again  if  they  get  to  knocking  each  other 
down  with  hymn  books. 

PRIZE  FIGHTING  AND  MORMONISM. 

THE  trouble  that  is  usually  experienced  by  prize 
fighters  in  finding  a  place  where  they  can  fight  un 
molested  must  have  been  apparent  to  all,  and  The 
Sun  would  suggest  a  way  out  of  the  difficulty. 

Let  the  government  set  apart  a  portion  of  the 
public  domain,  near  some  military  post,  and  enact  a 
law  that  prize  fighting  shall  be  no  more  unlawful 
than  polygamy,  or  stealing  from  the  government. 
If  prize  fighters  can  have  the  same  immunity  from 
arrest  and  punishment  that  polygamists  and  de 
faulters  have,  it  is  all  t  ley  ask,  and  it  seems  not  un 
reasonable  to  ask  it. 

Certainly  a  prize  fighter  in  whipping  a  friend  to 
raise  money  to  support  one  wife  and  one  set  of 
children,  when  the  other  fellow  is  willing  to  take 
the  chances  of  being  whipped,  is  not  as  bad  as  a 
praying  old  cuss  who  marries  from  twenty  to  forty 
feeble  minded  females  and  raises  a  flock  of  narrow- 


202  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

headed  children  to  turn  loose  after  a  while,  with 
not  much  more  brain  than  goslings. 

If  two  men  want  to  go  out  and  enjoy  "life,  liberty 
and  the  pursuit  of  happiness,"  by  mauling  each 
others  faces,  why  should  they  be  pulled,  and  let  an 
official  who  steals  half  a  million  dollars  from  the 
government,  give  a  New  Year's  reception?  The  thing 
does  not  look  right  to  a  man  who  believes  that  this 
is  a  free  country,  and  that  every  man  is  endowed 
with  certain  inalienable  rights,  among  which  is  the 
right  to  pay  his  debts. 

Another  thing,  the  government,  if  it  decided  to 
set-  apart  certain  ground  for  prize  fights,  might 
create  the  office  of  "referee,"  and  appoint  some 
honest,  square  man,  who  applied  for  a  consulship 
and  there  was  no  vacancy,  to  the  position,  with  a 
good  salary.  What  prize  fighters  need  is  a  referee 
that  can  be  depended  on,  and  it  would  be  no  worse 
to  appoint  a  government  referee  than  it  would  to 
give  breech  loading  arms  and  ammunition  to  Indi 
ans  to  go  on  the  war-path  with. 

Prize  fighting  does  not  do  any  harm.  If  one  of 
the  principals  is  killed,  which  does  not  often  occur, 
the  government  is  so  much  ahead.  The  govern 
ment  would  furnish  the  poison  if  Mormons  would 
kill  themselves.  Why  not  furnish  prize  fighters  an 
opportunity  to  climb  the  golden  stairs?  The  fact  of 
it  is,  as  a  people  we  oppose  prize  fighting  because  it 
is  "brutal,"  and  we  go  to  a  wrestling  match  where 
men  hurt  themselves  twice  as  much  as  they  would 
if  they  stood  up  and  knocked  each  other  down.  We 
cry  6ut  against  prize  fights,  and  yet  a  majority  of 
the  male  population  would  walk  ten  miles  to  see  a 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  203 

prize  fight  when  they  wouldn't  ride  a  mile  to  attend 
church. 

We  wish  men  would  not  fight,  but  if  they  want  to 
they  should  either  be  allowed  to,  or  else  all  other 
kinds  of  foolishness  should  be  suppressed.  If  every 
respectable  business  man  in  this  country  could  box 
as  well  as  Sullivan  there  would  not  be  as  much 
crime  as  there  is  to-day.  Suppose  all  the  men  that 
have  been  robbed  in  the  past  year  by  cowardly  sand 
baggers,  could  have  "put  up  their  hands,"  and 
knocked  the  robbers  into  the  middle  of  next  week, 
wouldn't  there  be  fewer  headaches  and  heartaches, 
fewer  widows  mourning  their  murdered  husbands, 
and  fewer  orphans? 

It  is  against  the  law  to  carry  weapons,  and  yet  if 
a. man  opens  a  boxing-school  to  teach  men  to  defend 
themselves,  and  fit  them  so  they  can  knock  the  hind 
sights  off  a  robber,  he  is  frowned  upon.  We  want 
to  see  the  time  when  every  young  man  has  got 
muscle,  and  knows  how  to  use  it,  and  then  there 
will  be  fewer  outrages.  If  a  respectable  citizen  has 
a  daughter  that  is  the  pride  of  his  heart,  he  had 
rather  she  would  go  to  a  theatre  or  a  party  with  a 
man  who  can  protect  her  with  hio  strong  arm  than 
with  an  effeminate  curiosity  that  has  his  brain 
parted  in  the  middle,  and  who  would  be  afraid  to 
meet  a  dwarf  in  the  dark. 

We  advise  every  boy  who  reads  The  Sun  to  throw 
away  the  revolver  he  has  bought  to  carry  in  his 
pistol  pocket,  or  sell  it  to  some  coward,  and  use  the 
money  to  hire  somebody  to  teach  him  to  box,  and  to 
strike  a  blow  that  will  make  any  person  sick  to  his 
stomach  who  insults  the  boy's  sister.  Just  depend 
.on  your  muscle  to  get  through  the  world.  If  the 


204  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

boy's  people  are  truly  good  and  want  him  to  go  to 
Sunday-school  he  should  do  it,  and  learn  all  that  is 
good,  but  he  should  want  a  little  exercise  with  his 
hands  between  meals,  and  learn  the  efficacy  of  two 
fists,  for  sometimes  they  come  handy. 

We  have  heard  of  cases  in  prayer  meetings  where 
deacons  got  to  fighting,  even  in  this  State,  and  a 
fellow  that  could  use  his  fists  best  stood  up  the 
longest,  though  a  chair  was  used  by  the  opponent. 
We  know  ministers  in  Wisconsin  who  are  good 
boxers,  and  while  they  would  not  teach  boxing  from 
the  pulpit,  they  would  not  object  to  see  every  boy 
know  how.  Since  the  tramps  have  been  knocking 
people  down  in  Indianapolis,  we  have  been  anxious 
to  hear  that  one  of  them  has  tackled  our  old  friend, 
Rev.  Myron  Reed,  as  we  know  that  tramp  would  go 
to  the  hospital  dead  sure.  Boys,  learn  to  box. 

MISDEAL    IN    A    SLEEPING    CAB. 

THERE  is  one  thing  about  sleeping  cars  that 
should  be  changed,  and  that  is  the  number  of  the 
berth  should  be  on  the  curtain,  so  when  a  man  gets 
up  in  the  night  to  go  out  to  the  back  end  of  the  car 
and  look  out  into  the  night  to  see  if  the  stars  are 
shining,  and  he  gets  through  seeing  if  the  stars  are 
shining,  and  goes  back,  he  will  not  get  into  the 
wrong  berth. 

Since  the  other  night  we  have  not  wondered  that 
on  a  similar  occasion,  at  the  dead  hour  of  night,  as 
it  is  reported,  the  truly  good  Mr.  Beecher,  who  left 
his  berth  to  see  the  porter,  and  ask  him  about  how 
long  it  would  be  before  they  got  there,  returned  to 
what  he  supposed  was  his  own  berth,  and  sat  down 


?ECK'S  SUNSHINE.  205 

on  the  side  of  it  to  remove  his  trouserloons,  and  by 
a  scream  was  notified  that  he  was  in  the  wrong  pew. 
We  attach  no  blame  to  Mr.  Beecher,  and  would  de 
fend  him  to  the  last  breath,  because  to  a  man  whose 
mind  is  occupied  with  great  thoughts,  the  berths  all 
look  alike.  Neither  do  we  blame  Miss  Anthony  for 
screaming.  She  could  not  know  in  the  imperfect 
light  that  was  vouchsafed  her  in  a  sleeping  car,  that 
it  was  a  mistake.  She  had  no  time  to  argue;  it  was 
a  case  where  immediate  decision  was  necessary,  and 
she  did  right  to  scream— she  could  not  do  otherwise. 
But  when  vile  men  tell  us,  as  they  draw  down 
their  eyelids  and  wink,  that  it  was  "a  mistake  the 
way  the  woman  kept  tavern  in  Michigan,"  they  do 
an  injustice  to  a  noble  preacher  who  has  been  lied 
about,  and  who  has  better  judgment  than  to  do  so 
knowingly. 

So  we  say  that  anybody  is  liable  to  err;  but  if 
anybody  had  told  us,  when  that  woman  from  Pere 
Marquette,  with  a  hare  lip,  and  a  foot  like  a  fiddle 
box,  got  into  the  berth  next  to  ours,  that  in  the  dead 
hour  of  night  we  should  be  sitting  down  on  the  sel 
vage  of  her  berth,  we  should  have  killed  him. 

We  are  more  than  ever  struck  by  the  old  adage 
that  the  ways  of  Providence  are  inscrutable,  and 
past  finding  the  right  berth.  We  had  gone  out  to 
the  back  part  of  the  car,  and  stood,  in  our  stocking 
feet  on  the  cold  zinc  floor  for  a  couple  or  three 
minutes,  looking  out  upon  the  beautiful  Michigan 
landscape  and  waterscape,  as  the  train  passed 
Michigan  City,  and  had  asked  the  porter  if  there  was 
any  bar  on  the  train,  and  had  returned  up  the  aisle 
to  find  our  berth. 


206  PECK'S  SUNSHINE, 

Pulling  aside  the.  curtains  we  sat  down,  and  were 
about  to  throw  our  hind  leg  up  into  the  sheets,  when 
a  cold,  hard  hand,  calloused  like  a  horn  spoon, 
grabbed  hold  of  the  small  of  our  back,  and  two 
piercing  eyes  shot  sharp  glances  at  our  human  frame. 

One  look  was  enough  to  show  that  we  had  opened 
the  wrong  curtains.  Every  second  we  expected 
that  a  female  scream  would  split  the  air  wide  open, 
that  the  passengers  would  tumble  out  of  the  berths, 
and  that  the  conductor  would  have  us  arrested  for 
coalition  with  intent  to  deceive.  It  seemed  years 
that  we  sat  there  with  that  cold  hand  grasping  the 
situation,  and  we  would  have  given  half  our  fortune 
to  have  been  in  the  bunk  just  one  remove  towards 
Canada. 

All  things  have  an  end,  and  just  as  we  were 
imagining  that  the  woman  with  the  hare  lip  was 
feeling  around  with  her  disengaged  hand  to  draw 
from  its  concealment  in  her  corset,  a  carving  knife, 
with  which  to  cut  a  couple  of  slices  off  our  liver,  a 
voice  said,  "Well,  what  in  Kalamazoo  are  you 
doing  in  this  berth,  anyway  ? " 

The  porter  came  along  with  a  lantern,  and  we 
looked  at  the  woman  with  a  hare  lip  and  a  bass 
voice,  and  it  was  not  a  woman  at  all,  but  a  Detroit 
drummer  for  a  stove  house.  Finding  that  we  were 
not  a  midnight  assassin,  nor  a  woman,  the  drummer 
let  go  of  the  small  of  our  back,  and  we  got  into  our 
own  berth;  but  it  was  a  narrow  escape;  the  woman 
with  the  hare  lip  was  in  the  upper  berth.  We  found 
that  out  in  the  morning  when  she  talked  through 
her  nose  at  the  porter  about  fetching  a  step  ladder 
for  her  to  climb  down  on. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  20? 

PARALYSIS    IN    A    THEATRE 

* 

INASMUCH  as  there  seems  to  be  no  other  business 
before  the  house,  we  desire,  Mr.  Speaker,  to  arise  to 
a  personal  explanation.  There  was  something" 
occurred  at  the  Opera  House,  the  last  night  that  the 
Rice  Surprise  Party  played  "  Revels,"  that  placed  us 
in  a  wrong  position  before  the  public. 

Mr.  Gunning,  the  scene  painter,  had  prided  him 
self  that  the  transformation  scene  that  he  had  fixed 
up  for  the  play  was  about  as  nice  as  could  be,  and  as 
we  confessed  that  we  had  only  got  an  imperfect 
view  of  it,  the  night  before,  from  one  side  of  the 
house,  he  insisted  that  we  take  a  seat  right  in  front 
of  the  stage,  in  the  parquette,  and  get  a  good  view 
of  it. 

There  were  a  good  many  legs  in  the  show,  and  we 
didn't  want  to  sit  right  down  in  front  all  the  even 
ing,  so  we  compromised  the  matter  by  agreeing  to 
sit  in  the  dress  circle  until  it  was  about  time  for  the 
transformation  scene,  and  then,  after  the  giddy 
girls  had  all  been  behind  the  scenes,  we  would  go 
down  and  take  a  front  seat,  right  back  of  the 
orchestra,  and  take  in  the  transformation  scene. 

Well,  they  had  got  through  with  the  high  kicking, 
and  all  gone  off,  except  one  girl,  a  gipsy,  who  was 
going  to  sing  a  song,  and  then  a  bell  would  ring  and 
the  whole  stage  effects  would  change  as  if  by  magic. 
When  she  had  got  to  the  end  of  her  song  and  had 
waltzed  off  to  the  left,  we  got  up  and  walked  down 
in  front,  and  took  one  of  a  whole  row  of  vacant 
seats,  put  on  our  spectacles,  and  were  ready.  Do 
you  know,  every  cuss  in  that  audience  saw  us  go 
down  there?  They  all  thought  we  had  gone  there 


208 

to  be  nearer  the  dizzy  tights,  and  they  began  to 
clap  their  Jiands  and  cheer.  We  think  Chapin,  the 
lawyer,  who  doesn't  like  us  very  well,  started  it, 
and  every  kid  in  the  gallery  took  it  up,  and  the  house 
fairly  rung  with  applause  at  the  sight  of  our  bald 
head  well  down  in  front.  We  never  felt  so  mean 
since  we  quit  stealing  sheep. 

The  crowd  laughed  and  hi-hi'd,  and  the  stage 
manager  took  the  applause  for  an  encore,  and 
ordered  the  girl  to  go  out  and  sing  some  more.  She 
knew  better,  knew  they  were  guying  the  bald- 
headed  man  in  front,  and  all  the  troupe  knew  it, 
and  the  girls  put  their  heads  out  from  the  wings  and 
laughed;  but  the  girl  came  out  and  sung  again.  If 
she  didn't  wink  at  us  when  she  came  out,  then  we 
don't  know  what  a  wink  is,  and  we  have  been 
around  some,  too. 

She  sang  some  confounded  love  song,  such  as 
" Darling,  Kiss  My  Eye  Winkers  Down."  or  "Hold 
the  Fort,"  or  something,  and  kept  looking  at  Us 
every  moment,  and  smiling  like  a  church  sociable. 
The  crowd  took  it  all  in,  too.  Her  dress  was  cut 
decolette,  or  low  necked  at  the  bottom,  and  we  were 
nearer  to  the  angelic  choir  than  a  bald  headed  man 
of  family  ever  ought  to  be,  but  there  was  no  help 
for  it.  She  was  the  only  girl  in  the  troupe  that  wore 
black  tights,  and  we  thanked  our  stars  for  that,  but 
even  with  all  those  mitigating  circumstances  in  our 
favor  the  affair  had  a  bad  look,  and  we  admit  it. 
Of  course  any  one  would  know  that  we  wouldn't  go 
out  of  our  way  to  see  any  black  stockings,  but  it 
looked  as  though  we  had,  to  the  crowd. 

We  have  faced  death  on  many  a  field  of  carnage, 
but  we  never  knew  what  it  was  to  want  to  be  away 


'S  SUNSHINE.  209 

from  a  place  quite  so  much  as  then.  If  you  know 
how  a  man  feels  when  he  is  stricken  with  paralysis, 
or  a  piece  of  a  brick  house,  you  can  imagine  some 
thing  about  it.  We  tried  to  put  on  a  pious  look,  a 
deaconish  sort  of  expression,  like  a  man  who  is 
passing  a  collection  plate  in  church,  but  the  blushes 
on  our  face  did  not  look  deaconish  at  all.  We 
tried  to  look  far  away,  and  think  of  the  hereafter, 
or  the  heretofore,  but  that  Gipsy  warbling  "Darling 
Eyes  of  Marine. Blue,"  and  forty  girls  in  the  wings 
making  up  faces',  and  five  hundred  people  back  of 
us  having  fun  at  our  expense  was  too  much,  and  we 
just  wanted  to  die.  If  there  had  been  a  trap  door  to 
let  us  down  into  the  beer  saloon  below,  we  would 
have  taken  passage  on  it  in  a  minute. 

But  she  finally  got  through  singing,  the  transfor 
mation  scene  came  on,  and  we  went  back  to  our 
seat  in  the  dress  circle,  a  changed  man,  and  we 
never  looked  at  a  person  in  the  audience  after  that, 
but  when  the  performance  was  over  and  we  came 
out,  and  Chapin  said,  "Hello,  old  man,  guess  we 
got  even  with  you  that  time,"  we  felt  like  murder 
ing  somebody  in  cold  blood  and  feathers.  Hereafter 
if  anybody  ever  catches  us  taking  a  front  seat  at  a 
leg  drama,  they  can  take  it  out  of  our  wages.  Mr. 
Speaker,  we  have  spoken. 

THE  QUEEREST  NAME. 

THERE  is  a  case  in  Chicago  where  a  young  man  is 
going  to  apply  to  have  his  name  changed.  The 
man's  name  is  Easus.  and  he  is  now  about  eighteen 
years  old,  and  just  beginning  to  go  into  society. 
It  is  alleged  that  he  was  engaged  to  be  married  to 


210  FECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

an  heiress,  but  she  has  broken  off  the  engagement 
imtil  he  can  get  his  name  changed.  She  was  not 
very  much  mashed  on  the  name,  anyway,  and  Mon 
day  night,  as  she  was  with  him  coming  out  of 
Haverly's  Theatre,  something  happened  that  broke 
her  all  up. 

The  young  man's  father  was  a  pious  man,  and  he 
named  his  son  Abijah.  His  companion  nicknamed 
him  "Bige."  Coming  out  of  the  theatre  with  his 
intended  on  his  arm,  an  old  friend,  a  drummer  for 
a  Chicago  grocery  house,  happened  to  see  him,  and 
he  went  up  to  him  and  said,  "  Why  Bije  Easus,  how 
are  you?"  Young  Mr.  Easus  shook  hands  with  his 
friend,  and  introduced  him  to  his  girl,  and  she 
looked  at  the  profane  drummer  out  of  one  corner  of 
her  eye  and  trembled  for  his  soul  as  she  thought 
how  he  would  be  sure  to  go  to  hell  when  he  died. 

Mr.  Easus  explained  to  his  friend  as  they  walked 
out  of  the  building,  that  he  was  engaged  to  the  girl, 
and  when  they  parted  at  the  platform  of  the  street 
car  the  drummer  grabbed  her  by  the  hand  and 
shook  it  as  a  terrier  would  a  rat  and  said,  "Well, 
Mrs.  Bije  Easus,  that  is  to  be,  let  me  wish  you 
many  happy  returns." 

Mr.  Easus  colored  up,  the  girl  was  as  mad  as  a 
wet  hen  when  she  pried  her  fingers  apart,  and  they 
rode  home  in  silence.  At  the  gate  she  said  to  him, 
"Bije  Easus,  I  never  till  to-night  knew  what  a 
horrid  name  I  was  going  to  take  upon  my'self,  and  I 
have  made  up  my  mind  that  I  cannot  go  through 
the  remainder  of  my  natural  life  in  Chicago,  being 
alluded  to  as  a  'little  female  Bije  Easus/  Mr. 
Easus,  I  trust  we  part  friends.  If  you  can  come  to 


•   PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  211 

me  by  any  other  name,  you  would  be  sweet,  but 
Bije  Easus  I  will  never  have  on  my  calling  cards." 
The  young  man  has  employed  a  lawyer  and  will 
have  his  name  changed.  The  girl  had  a  narrow 
escape,  and  she  may  thank  the  drummer  for  calling 
her  attention  to  it. 

CHURCH  KENO. 

WHILE  the  most  of  our  traveling  men,  our  com 
mercial  tourists,  are  nice  Christian  gentlemen,  there 
is  occasionally  one  that  is  as  full  of  the  old  Nick  as 
an  egg  at  this  time  of  year  is  full  of  malaria.  There 
was  one  of  them  stopped  at  a  country  town  a  few 
nights  ago  where  there  was  a  church  fair.  He  is 
a  blonde,  good-natured  looking,  serious  talking 
chap,  and  having  stopped  at  that  town  every  month 
for  a  dozen  years,  everybody  knows  him.  He 
always  chips  in  towards  a  collection,  a  wake  or  a 
rooster  fight,  and  the  town  swears  by  him. 

He  attended  the  fair,  and  a  jolly  little  sister. of 
the  church,  a  married  lady,  took  him  by  the  hand 
and  led  him  through  green  fields,  where  the  girls 
sold  him  ten  cent  chances  in  saw  dust  dolls,  and 
beside  still  waters,  where  a  girl  .sold  him  sweetened 
water  with  a  sour  stomach,  for  lemonade,  from  Re 
becca's  well.  The  sister  finally  stood  beside  him 
while  the  deacon  was  reading  off  numbers.  They 
were  drawing  a  quilt,  and  as  the  numbers  were 
drawn  all  were  anxious  to  know  who  drew  it. 
Finally,  after  several  numbers  were  drawn  it  was 
announced  by  the  deacon  that  number  fifteen  drew 
the  quilt,  and  the  little  sister  turned  to  the  traveling 
man  and  said,  "My!  that  is  my  number.  I  have 


212 

drawn  it.  What  shall  I  do?"  "  Hold  up  your  ticket 
and  shout  keno,"  said  he. 

The  little  deaconess  did  not  stop  to  think  that 
there  might  be  guile  lurking  in  the  traveling  man, 
but  being  full  of  joy  at  drawing  the  quilt,  and  ice 
cream  because  the  traveling  man  bought  it,  she 
rushed  into  the  crowd  towards  the  deacon,  holding 
her  number,  and  shouted  so  they  could  hear  it  all 
over  the  house,  "  Keno!" 

If  a  bank  had  burst  in  the  building  there  couldn't 
have  been  so  much  astonishment.  The  deacon 
turned  pale  and  looked  at  the  poor  little  sister  as 
though  she  had  fallen  from  grace,  and  all  the  church 
people  looked  sadly  at  her,  while  the  worldly  minded 
people  snickered.  The  little  woman  saw  that  she 
had  got  her  foot  into  something,  and  she  blushed 
and  backed  out,  and  asked  the  traveling  man  what 
keno  meant.  He  said  he  didn't  know  exactly,  but 
he  had  always  seen  people,  when  they  won  any 
thing  at  that  game,  yell  "keno."  She  isn't  exactly 
clear  yet  what  keno  is,  but  she  says  she  has  sworn 
off  on  taking  advice  from  pious  looking  traveling 
men.  They  call  her  "Little  Keno"  now. 

THE  ADVENT  PREACHER  AND  THE  BALLOON. 

THERE  occasionally  occurs  an  incident  in  this 
world  that  will  make  a  person  laugh  though  the 
laughing  may  border  on  the  sacrilegious.  For  in 
stance,  there  is  not  a  Christian  but  will  smile  at  the 
ignorance  of  the  Advent  preacher  up  in  Jackson 
county  who,  when  he  saw  the  balloon  of  King,  the 
balloonist,  going  through  the  air,  thought  it  was  the 
second  coming  of  Christ,  and  got  down  on  his  knees 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  213 

and  shouted  to  Kmg,  who  was  throwing  out  a  sand 
bag,  while  his  companion  was  opening  a  bottle  of 
export  beer,  "O,  Jesus,  do  not  pass  me  by." 

And  yet  it  is  wrong  to  laugh  at  the  poor  man,  who 
took  an  advertising  agent  for  a  Chicago  clothing 
store  for  the  Savior,  who  he  supposed  was  making 
his  second  farewell  tour.  The  minister  had  been 
preaching  the  second  coming  of  Christ  until  he 
looked  for  Him  every  minute.  He  would  have  been 
as  apt  to  think,  living  as  he  did  in  the  back  woods, 
that  a  fellow  riding  a  bicycle,  with  his  hair  and  legs 
parted  in  the  middle,  along  tiie  country  road,  was 
the  object  of  his  search. 

We  should  pity  the  poor  man  for  his  ignorance, 
we  who  believe  that  when  Christ  does  come  He  will 
come  in  the  old  fashioned  way,  and  not  in -a  palace 
car,  or  straddle  of  the  basket  of  a  balloon.  But  we 
can't  help  wondering  what  the  Adventist  must  have 
thought,  when  he  appealed  to  his  Savior,  as  he  sup 
posed,  and  the  balloonist  shied  a  sand  bag  at  him 
and  the  other  fellow  in  the  basket  threw  out  a  beer 
bottle  and  asked,  " Where  in are  we?" 

The  Adventist  must  have  thought  that  the  Savior 
of  mankind  was  traveling  in  mighty  queer  company, 
or  that  He  had  taken  the  other  fellow  along  as  a 
frightful  example.  And  what  could  the  Adventist 
have  thought  when  he  saw  a  message  thrown  out  of 
the  balloon,  and  went  with  trembling  limbs  and 
beating  heart  to  pick  it  up,  believing  that  it  was  a 
command  from  on  high  to  sinners,  and  found  that  it 
was  nothing  but  a  hand  bill  for  a  Chicago  hand-me- 
down  clothing  store. 

He  must  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that  the  Son 
of  Man  had  got  pretty  low  down  to  take  a  job  of  bill 


214  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

posting  for  a  reversible  ulster  and  paper  collar 
bazar.  It  must  have  been  food  for  reflection  for  the 
Advent  preacher,  as  he  picked'  up  the  empty  beer 
bottle,  shied  at  him  from  the  chariot  that  he  sup 
posed  carried  to  earth  the  redeemer  of  man.  He 
must  have  wondered  if  some  Milwaukee  brewer  had 
not  gone  to  heaven  and  opened  a  brewery. 

Of  course  we  who  are  intelligent,  and  who  would 
know  a  balloon  if  we  saw  it,  would  not  have  had  any 
such  thoughts,  but  we  must  remember  that  this  poor 
Advent  preacher  thought  that  the  day  had  come 
that  had  been  promised  so  long,  and  that  Christ  was 
going  to  make  a  landing  in  a  strong  Republican 
county.  We  may  laugh  at  the  Adventist's  disap 
pointment  that  the  balloon  did  not  tie  up  to  a  stump 
and  take  him  on  board,  but  it  was  a  serious  matter 
to  him. 

He  had  been  waiting  for  the  wagon,  full  of  hope, 
and  when  it  came,  and  he  saw  the  helmet  on  King's 
head  and  thought  it  was  a  crown  of  glory,  his  heart 
beat  with  joy,  and  he  plead  in  piteous  accents  not  to 
be  passed  by,  and  the  confounded  gas  bag  went  011 
and  landed  in  a  cranberry  marsh,  and  the  poor,  fool 
ish,  weak,  short-sighted  man  had  to  get  in  his  work 
mighty  lively  to  dodge  the  sand  bags,  beer  bottles, 
and  rolls  of  clothing  store  posters. 

The  Adventist  would  have  been  justified  in  re 
nouncing  his  religion  and  joining  the  Democratic 
party.  It  is  sad,  indeed. 

THE  CAUSE  OF  RHEUMATISM. 

ONE  of  the  most  remarkable  things  in  medical 
science  is  a  discovery  recently  made  by  a  Phila- 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  215 

delphia  physician  When  so  many  hundreds  of  years 
pass  over  without  any  new  discovery  being  made, 
and  when  one  is  made,  like  vaccination,  and  they 
are  not  dead  sure  whether  it  amounts  to  anything 
or  not,  a  new  discovery  that  the  discoverer  will 
swear  by  is  a  big  thing.  This  Philadelphia  doctor 
has  discovered  that  rheumatism  is  the  direct  result 
of  cold  feet. 

There  is  no  discovery  that  has  ever  been  made  in 
the  human  anatomy  that  stands  to  reason  any  more 
than  this.  Many  thousands  of  men  are  going  around 
crippled  and  bent  with  rheumatism,  and  suffering 
untold  agonies,  and  they  have  never  known  what 
caused  their  bones  to  ache.  Of  course  they  knew 
that  their  wives  had  cold  feet,,  but  they  had  no  idea 
that  every  time  those  No.  2  icicles  were  placed  in 
the  small  of  the  back  to  get  warm  that  they  were 
sowing  the  seeds  of  rheumatism. 

We  presume  there  is  a  hundred  pounds  of  male 
rheumatism  to  every  square  inch  of  cold  female 
foot,  and  the  Philadelphia  doctor  should  be  thanked 
by  men  of  rheumatic  tendencies  as  well  as  by  women 
of  arctic  pedal  extremities  for  this  timely  discovery. 
There  is  no  woman  who  enjoys  seeing  her  husband 
in  the  throes  of  rheumatic  pains,  and  now  that  they 
know  that  their  cold  feet  have  brought  about  so 
much  suffering,  we  trust  they  will  try  and  lead  a 
different  life. 

Of  course  we  do  not  expect  any  woman  is  going  to 
bed  and  leave  her  feet  out  on  the  floor,  or  under  a 
coal  stove.  This  could  not  be  expected.  But  they 
can  adopt  some  method  to  soften  the  rigors  of  a  hard 
winter.  They  can  paint  their  feet  a  nice  warm  color, 
or  have  a  summer  sunset  painted  on  the  instep,  or  a 


216  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

fire-place  on  the  bottom  of  their  feet.  Anything 
that  will  make  their  feet  seem  warm  will  be  a  relief 
to  their  rheumatic  husbands.  A  pair  of  zinc  over 
shoes  to  wear  in  bed  would  help  some  very  cold  feet 
several  degrees. 

Men  are  too  valuable  to  be  crippled  up  with  rheu 
matism  just  for  the  temporary  comfort  they  can 
confer  upon  their  wives  by  allowing  the  small  of 
their  backs  to  be  used  in  lieu  of  a  grate  fire.  We 
trust  that  the  cold  footed  portion  of  our  female  popu 
lation  will  look  at  this  matter  in  its  true  light,  and 
if  necessary  leave  their  feet  in  the  porter's  room  at 
bed  time  and  get  a  check  for  them. 

HOW  A  GROCERY  MAN  WAS  MAIMED. 

THE  shooting  of  the  grocery  man  at  Appleton,  by 
the  man  to  whom  he  presented  a  bill,  reminds  us  of 
the  only  grocery  man  we  ever  maimed  for  present 
ing  a  bill.  His  name  was  Smith,  and  he  lived  at  La 
Crosse.  We  presume  there  have  been  meaner  men 
built  than  this  man  Smith  was  at  that  time,  though 
how  it  could  be  possible  we  cannot  see.  We  had  run 
up  quite  a  bill  at  his  grocery,  and  were  willing  to 
keep  trading  right  along,  but  somehow  he  got 
wormy,  and  said  that  this  thing  had  to  stop. 

We  told  him  we  never  traded  with  him  because 
we  wanted  his  goods,  but  just  to  give  him  the  bene 
fit  of  our  society,  and  we  pointed  out  to  him  the  in 
jury  it  would  be  to  his  business  to  have  us  quit  trad 
ing  at  his  store.  We  told  him  that  people  would 
think  that  he  had  cheated  us,  and  they  would  not 
come  there  any  more.  He  said  he  knew  it  would  be 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  217 

pretty  tough,  but  he  would  try  and  struggle  along 
under  it. ' 

Well,  there  was  no  use  arguing,  and  finally  by 
helping  him  do  his  chores  we  got  the  bill  all  paid  but 
a  dollar  and  a  half,  and  then  he  began  his  persecu 
tions.  He  called  us  a  baldheaded  old  catamaran. 
He  would  follow  us  into  a  saloon,  when  some  one 
treated,  and  take  our  glass  of  beer,  and  say  he  would 
give  us  credit  on  account.  He  would  catch  our  dog 
and  propose  to  cut  a  piece  of  his  tail  off,  and  give  us 
credit  at  so  much  an  inch. 

He  would  meet  us  coming  out  of  church,  and  right 
before  folks  he  would  ask  us  to  go  down  to  the  brew 
ery  and  play  pedro.  He  would  say  he  would  come 
up  to  our  house  for  dinner  some  time,  and  every 
thing  wicked.  One  day  we  stopped  at  his  store  to 
enjoy  his  society,  and  eat  crackers  and  cheese — for 
be  it  known  we  never  took  offence  at  him,  in  fact 
we  sort  of  liked  the  old  cuss — when  he  told  us  to 
take  a  seat  and  talk  it  over. 

We  sat  down  on  a  cracker  box  that  had  bees  wax 
on  it,  and  after  a  heated  discussion  on  finances, 
found  that  we  had  melted  about  two  pounds  of  wax 
on  our  trousers,  and  Smith  insisted  on  charging  it 
up  to  us.  This  was  the  last  hair,  and  when  he  called 
us  a  diabolical,  hot-headed  guthoogen  our  warm 
southern  blood  began  to  boil.  We  seized  a  codfish- 
that  had  been  hanging  in  front  of  the  store  until  it 
had  become  as  hard  and  sharp  as  a  cleaver,  and  we 
struck  him. 

The  sharp  edge  of  the  codfish  struck  him  on  the 
second  joint  of  the  forefinger,  and  cut  the  finger  off 
as  clean  as  it  could  have  been  done  with  a  razor. 


218  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

He  said  that  settled  it,  and  he  gave  us  a  receipt  in 
full,  and  ever  afterwards  we  were  firm  frie'nds. 

One  thing  he  insists  on,  even  now,  and  that  is  in 
telling  people  who  ask  him  how  he  lost  his  finger, 
that  he  wore  it  off  rubbing  out  seven-up  marks  on  a 
table  while  playing  pedro. 

He  is  now  trying  to  lead  a  different  life,  being  city 
clerk  of  La  Crosse,  but  this  article  will  remind  him 
of  old  times,  and  he  can  remember  with  what  an  air 
of  injured  innocence  we  wiped  the  blood  off  that 
codfish  and  hung  it  up  for  a  sign,  and  how  Smith  sold 
it  the  next  day  to  Frank  Hatch  for  a  liver  pad.  No, 
thank  you,  we  don't  drink. 

CAMP  MEETING  IN  THE  DARK  OF  THE  MOON 

A  DARTFORD  man,  who  has  been  attending  a 
camp  meeting  at  that  place,  inquires  of  the  Bran 
don  Times  why  it  is  that  camp  meetings  are  always 
held  when  the  moon  does  not  shine.  The  Times  man 
gives  it  up,  and  refers  the  question  to  The  Sun.  We 
give  it  up. 

It  does  not  seem  as  though  managers  of  camp 
meetings  deliberately  consult  the  almanac  in  order 
to  pick  out  a  week  for  camp  meeting  in  the  dark  of 
the  moon,  though  such  meetings  are  always  held 
when  the  moon  is  of  no  account.  If  they  do,  then 
there  is  a  reason  for  it.  It  is  well  known  that  pick 
erel  bite  best  in  the  dark  of  the  moon,  and  it  is 
barely  possible  that  sinners •'  'catch  on"  better  at  that 
time. 

There  may  be  something  in  the  atmosphere,  in 
the  dark  of  the  moon,  that  makes  a  camp  meeting 
more  enjoyable.  Certainly  brethren  and  sisterin' 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  219 

can  mingle  as  well  if  not  better  when  there  is  no 
glaring  moon  to  molest  and  make  them  afraid,  and 
they  can  relate  their  experience  as  well  as  though  it 
was  too  light. 

The  prayers  of  the  righteous  avail  as  much  in  the 
darkness  of  the  closet  as  they  do  in  an  exposition 
building,  with  an  electric  light,. and  as  long  as  sin 
ners  will  do  many  things  which  they  ought  not  to 
do,  and  undo  many  things  that  they  never  ought  to 
have  done,  the  dark  of  the  moon  is  probably  the 
most  healthy. 

People  don't  want  to  be  sunburnt  in  the  night.  It 
seems  to  us  as  though  the  work  of  converting  could 
be  done  as  well  in  a  full  moon,  but  statistics  show 
that  such  is  not  the  case,  and  we  are  willing  to  give 
the  camp  meeting  attendants  the  benefit  of  the 
doubt. 

Again,  it  jnay  be  that  the»moon  is  to  blame.  No 
one  would  blame  the  moon,  if  it  was  full,  and  looked 
down  on  an  ordinary  camp  meeting,  if  it  got  sick  at 
the  stomach,  staggered  behind  a  cloud,  turned  pale 
and  refused  to  come  out  until  the  camp  meeting  was 
pulled  by  the  police. 

ANOTHEB  VIEW  OF  THE  CASE. 

A  NEW  face  has  been  put  on  the  killing  of  old  Mr. 
Utley,  in  Green  Lake  county,  by  his  son,  since  the 
son  has  made  his  statement.  At  the  time  the  first 
news  was  received  we  felt  inclined  to  lay  it  up 
against  young  Mr.  Utley,  as  there  is  nothing  that 
hurts  our  feelings  worse  than  to  hear  that  a  boy  in 
the  first  flush  of  manhood,  when  the  pin  feathers 
are  just  appearing  on  his  upper  jaw,  and  when  the 


220  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

world  is  all  before  him  to  conquer  and  lay  at  his 
feet,  has  deliberately  shot  six  No.  40  calibre  bullets 
into  various  places  in  the  person  of  his  venerable 
father,  who  has  nurtured  him  from  childhood,  stored 
his  mind  with  useful  knowledge,  or  perchance 
played  mumblety  peg  with  a  shingle  across  the 
place  where  in  later  years  another  father  may  plant 
oblong  pieces  of  leather,  because  of  his  habit  of 
leaning  his  youthful  stomach  across  the  gate  where 
on  swings  a  gentle  maiden  belonging  to  this  other 
father,  the  while  giving  her  glucose  in  regard  to  a 
beautiful  castle  that  he  will  rear  with  his  own  hands 
on  a  commanding  eminence,  surrounded  with  vines 
and  roses,  into  the  golden  portals  of  which  he  will 
usher  her  and  empty  into  her  lap  the  precious  treas 
ures  of  the  orient,  when  the  cuss  knows  that  he  will 
never  be  able  to  earn  more  than  twelve  shillings  a 
day  on  a  farm  the  longest  day  he  lives,  and  that  if 
she  marries  him  she  will  have  to  take  in  stairs  to 
scrub  and  cook  liver  over  an  oil  stove,  and  wear  the 
same  dress  she  is  married  in  till  it  will  stand  alone. 
We  say  that  we  are  opposed  to  young  men  killing 
their  fathers.  It  has  never  seemed  right  to  us.  But 
since  the  supplemental  returns  in  this  case  are  all 
in,  and  we  learn  that  old  Mr.  Utley  was  a  drunken 
bulldozer  who  would  take  the  farm  horses  and  go 
off  to  town  on  a  three  days'  drunk,  leaving  the 
young  man  to  do  all  the  work, 'and  come  back  com 
plaining  because  the  work  was  not  done,  and  if  the 
boy  attempted  to  explain,  he  would  be  knocked 
down  with  a  stick  of  cord  wood,  and  that  on  this  oc 
casion  he  was  engaged  in  trying  to  dissect  young 
Utley  with  a  butcher  knife,  claiming  that  ne  was 
going  to  hang  his  hide  on  the  fence,  and  cut  out  his 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  221 

liver  and  stomach,  and  other  things  that  Dr.  Tanner 
has  given  a  furlough,  and  that  the  young  man  shot 
his  father  just  to  keep  peace  in  the  family,  and  to 
save  his  own  life,  and  that  there  were  four  quarts  of 
raw  whisky  in  the  old  man's  panjandrum  when  he 
turned  up  his  toes,  we  feel  like  apologizing  to  the 
young  man  and  telling  him  that  he  did  his  country 
a  great  service  in  wiping  out  his  sire,  baby  mine. 
When  an  old  man  gets  so  he  can't  enjoy  himself 
without  filling  up  with  whisky  and  cutting  slices  off 
the  livers  of  live  people,  the  sooner  he  climbs  the 
golden  stair  the  better. 

THE  PIOUS  DEACON  AND  THE  WORLDLY  COW. 

ONE  of  those  incidents  that  cause  a  pious  man  to 
damn  the  whole  animal  creation  occurred  at  Janes- 
ville  last  week.  A  business  man  that  we  all  know, 
got  up  last  Tuesday  morning  and  took  a  walk  down 
by  Monterey,  to  view  the  beauties  of  nature  and  get 
up  an  appetite  for  breakfast.  He  is  a  man  who 
weighs  close  onto  150  pounds,  though  he  is  as  kitteny 
as  anybody  when  occasion  calls  for  kittenishness. 

Gazing  into  the  crystal  waters  of  Rock  River,  it 
occurred  to  him  that  he  would  take  a  bath,  so  he 
disrobed  himself,  laid  his  clothes  upon  the  ground 
and  plunged  in.  He  had  been  sporting  with  the 
wavelets,  and  waving  with  the  sportlets  for  some 
minutes,  when  he  heard  a  bellowing  on  shore,  and 
he  looked  up  to  see  a  cow  pawing  the  ground  and 
running  her  horns  into  his  clothes.  You  know  how 
the  smell  of  blood  or  carrion  will  cause  the  mildest 
mannered  cow  to  get  on  her  ear  and  paw  the  ground* 
and  bellow.  Not  that  there  was  any  blood  or  carrion 


222  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

there,  but  the  cow  acted  that  way.  She  may  have 
got  the  smell  of  a  Democrat  from  his  clothes.  Any 
way  she  made  Monterey  howl,  and  the  large  man  in 
the  water  dove  down  for  stones  to .  throw  at  the 
cow.  She  had  run  one  horn  through  one  leg  of  his 
pants,  and  the  other  horn  through  the  broad  part, 
and  was  engaged  in  chewing  his  shirt,  when  a  rock 
struck  her  on  the  rump  and  she  started  off  with 
those  two  garments  for  the  blind  asylum,  where  she 
evidently  belonged,  shaking  her  head  to  get  the 
pants  off  her  horns,  and  chewing  the  shirt  as  though 
it  was  a  bran  mash. 

The  pious  man  rushed  out  of  the  water  towards 
the  cow  and  said  "  co-boss,  co-boss,"  but  she  took 
one  look  at  his  shape  and  turned  away  and  didn't 
co-boss  very  much.  A  war  map  of  the  thoughts  of 
this  Janesville  business  man,  as  he  saw  the  cow  go 
away,  would  sell  well,  if  it  was  illustrated  by  a 
picture  of  a  native  Zulu  picking  buchu  leaves.  He 
said  he  was  a  pious  man,  and  had  always  tried  to 
lead  a  different  life,  and  do  the  fair  thing,  but  here 
after  he  would  be  blanked  if  he  wouldn't  kill  every 
blanked  cow  that  he  came  across. 

The  only  things  the  cow  had  left  were  his  hat, 
vest  and  shoes  and  stockings.  He  put  them  on  and 
started  after  the  cow.  The  vest  was  one  of  these 
grandfather's  clock  vests,  that  stop  short,  never  to 
go  again,  a  sort  of  emigrant  vest,  that  comes  high. 
It  was  not  a  long,  lingering,  emotional  vest;  it  was 
not  what  would  be  called  a  charitable  vest,  because 
charity  begins"  at  home,  and  covers  a  multitude  of 
back  pay  into  the  treasury.  He  tried  to  remember 
e  of  the  ten  commandments,  to  repeat,  but  the 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  223 

only  one  he  could  call  to  mind  was  "Pull  down  Thy 
Vest." 

His  eyes  swept  the  horizon  to  see  if  anybody  was 
looking,  and  he  could  see  that  the  grounds  about 
the  blind  asylum  were  alive  with  people  of  both 
sexes.  He  thanked  heaven  that  by  the  inscrutable 
ways  of  Providence,  people  were  made  blind,  but 
his  joy  at  the  calamity  was  mingled  with  sorrow 
when  he  thought  that  the  teachers  at  the  asylum 
were  endowed  with  the  most  perfect  eyesight. 

As  the  cow  neared  the  gate  of  the  grounds  he 
made  one  effort  to  head  her  off,  but  she  run  by  him, 
and  then  he  attempted  to  take  his  pistol  from  the 
hind  pocket  of  his  pants  to  kill  himself,  when  he  re 
alized  again  that  he  was  indeed  barefooted  from  his 
vest  to  his  stockings,  and  he  sat  down  under  a  tree 
to  die  of  slow  starvation,  but  before  he  began  to 
starve  he  got  up  again  and  resumed  an  upright 
attitude,  on  account  of  ants.  It  is  a  picnic  for  a 
nest  of  ants  to  partake  of  a  human  being  who  has 
lost  his  or  her  trousers,  as  the  case  may  be,  and  he 
followed  the  cow,  saying  "co-boss"  in  the  most 
pitiful  accents  that  were  ever  used  by  a  Janesville 
man. 

The  cow  looked  around,  and  as  she  did  so  the 
pants  caught  on  a  sapling  and  were  pulled  off  her 
horns  and  dropped  upon  the  ground.  The  pious 
man  looked  upon  this  as  a  direct  interposition  of 
Providence,  and  he  was  sorry  he  swore.  He  got 
into  his  trousers  so  quick  that  it  made  his  head 
swim,  and  just  as  the  crowd  at  the  asylum  had 
come  down  to  the  gate  to  see  what  strange  looking 
calf  was  following  the  cow  home,  the  man<  started 
on  a  run  for  town,  leaving  the  shirt  with  the  cow. 


224  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

The  people  at  the  asylum  have  the  shirt,  and  it 
has  the  initials  of  the  man  worked  in  the  neck 
band,  but  he  will  never  call  for  it.  One  sleeve  is 
chewed  off,  and  the  bosom  is  rent  with  conflicting 
emotions  and  cow's  teeth.  The  man  sells  nails  and 
skimmers  with  a  far  off  expression,  and  don't  want 
cows  to  run  at  large  any  more. 

THE    QUESTION    OF    CATS. 

THE  New  York  Humane  Society  has  at  last  taken 
action,  looking  to  the  destruction  of  improper,  im 
moral  and  friendless  cats,  and  agents  are  at  work 
capturing  the  nocturnal  prowlers,  and  turning  them 
over  to  the  proper  authorities  of  the  society,  who 
cause  them  to  be  killed. 

This  action  cannot  but  be  favorably  commented 
upon  by  all  loyal  citizens,  and  as  the  Milwaukee 
Humane  Society  is  a  branch  of  the  New  York 
society,  it  is  only  reasonable  to  suppose  that  it  will 
not  be  long  before  our  home  society  will  be  engaged 
in  cat  extermination.  There  is  a  great  field  here 
for  such  a  society,  and  applause  awaits  the  humane 
people  who  have  banded  together  to  put  these  cats 
out  of  their  misery. 

We  know  there  are  those  who  will  say  that  cats 
are  not  in  misery  when  they  give  vent  to  those 
soul-stirring  passages  from  unwritten  opera,  under 
the  currant  bushes,  but  we  cannot  but  think  that 
they  are  in  the  most  crushing  misery  which  it  would 
be  a  charity  to  put  them  out  of,  or  they  would  not 
chew  their  words  so,  and  expectorate  imaginary 
tobacco  juice,  mingled  with  hair  and  profanity.  We 
know  that  human  beings  when  they  are  enjoying 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  225 

each  others  society  do  not  groan,  and  scratch,  and 
Samantha  around  with  their  backs  up,  and  their 
eyes  sot,  and  run  up  board  fences,  and  it  is  a  safe 
inference  to  draw  that  these  after  dark  cats  are  in 
pain.  Of  course  cats  are  not  human,  though  they 
are  endowed  with  certain  human  instincts,  such  as 
staying  out  nights,  and  following  other  cats. 

Sitting  on  the  sharp  edge  of  a  board  fence  for 
hours,  gazing  at  a  neighboring  cat,  and  occasionally 
purmowing,  may  be  likened  by  the  student  of  nature, 
to  human  beings  who  sit  for  hours  on  a  cast  iron 
seat  in  the  park,  with  arms  around  each  other;  but  it 
is  far  different.  We  have  yet  to  hear  of  instances 
where  quantities  of  hair  have  been  found  on  the 
ground  in  the  parks,  and  no  young  man  or  young 
woman,  after  an  evening  in  the  park,  comes  to  his 
place  of  business  in  the  morning,  with  eyes  clawed 
out,  ears  chewed,  or  so  stiff  as  to  be  unable  to  get  up 
from  under  the  'stove  without  being  kicked.  Weigh 
ing  this  matter  carefully  and  in  an  unbiased  man 
ner,  we  must  give  the  chromo  for  good  conduct, 
correct  deportment,  and  good  citizenship,  to  the 
human  beings  who  frequent  the  parks  at  night,  over 
the  cats  who  picnic  under  our  gooseberry  bushes, 
and  play  Copenhagen  on  our  area  fences,  when 
those  who  have  brought  them  up  from  innocent 
kittenhood  think  they  are  abed  and  asleep. 

So  it  is  plain  that  the  humane  society  has  got  work 
to  do.  We,  as  a  people,  have  got  tired  of  seeing  a 
Thomas  cat  that  never  paid  any  taxes,  get  upon  a 
pile  of  wood,  swell  his  tail  up  to  the  size  of  a  rolling 
pin,  bid  defiance  to  all  laws,  spit  on  his  hands  and 
say  in  ribald  language  to  a  Mariar  cat,  of  a  modest 
and  retiring  disposition,  /'Lay  on,  Mac  Duff,  and 


226  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

blanked  be  he  who  first  cries  purmeow."  This  thing 
has  got  to  cease.  The  humane  society  will  soon  be 
on  the  track  of -the  enemy. 

We  know  that  the  war  is  about  to  commence,  be 
cause  Mr.  Holton  has  resigned  the  presidency  of  the 
society.  But  there  are  bold  men  in  the  society  that 
are  not  so  tender-hearted  as  Brother  Holton,  and 
they  will  fight  this  cat  question  to  the  bitter  end. 

We  can  almost  see  Mr.  Oliver,  with  his  trusty 
shot  gun,  going  through  back  alleys  at  midnight, 
his  white  plume  always  to  be  found  where  cat  hair 
is  the  thickest.  John  Woodhull  will  meet  him,  after 
the  enemy  is  driven  over  the  fence  in  disorder,  and 
taken  refuge  under  the  shrubbery,  and  they  will 
compare  notes  and  cats.  Good  Mr.  Spencer  sees  the 
handwriting  on  the  wall,  and  his  voice  will  be  still 
for  cats.  Winfield  Smith  and  Chas.  Ray  will  go  out 
in  the  pale  moonlfght  with  stuffed  clubs  and  sell  cats 
short,  while  Prof.  McAllister  and  Chaplain  Gordon, 
of  the  Light  House,  will  sing  a  solemn  requiem  for 
the  repose  of  the  alleged  souls  of  the  midnight  opera 
performers  on  the  back  fence,  and  a  grateful  people 
will  pass  resolutions  of  thanks  that  where  once  all 
was  chaos  and  cat  hair,  all  wrill  be  peace  and  good 
will  towards  morning.  And  may  grace,  mercy, 
peace  and  plenty  of  cat  scalps  abide  with  the  bold 
night  riders  of  the  Humane  society  of  Milwaukee. 
Scat! 

THE  KNIGHT  AND  THE  BRIDAL  CHAMBER. 

THERE  was  one  of  those  things  occurred  at  a  Chi 
cago  hotel  during  the  conclave  that  is  so  near  a 
fight  and  yet  so  ridiculously  laughable  that  you 


don't  know  whether  you  are  on  foot  or  a  horseback. 
Of  course  some  of  the  Knights  in  attendance  were 
from  the  backwoods,  and  while  they  were  well  up 
in  all  the  secret  workings  of  the  order,  they  were 
awful  "new"  in  regard  to  city  ways. 

There  was  one  Sir  Knight  from  the  "Wisconsin 
pineries,  who  had  never  been  to  a  large  town  be 
fore,  and  his  freshness  was  the  subject  of  remark. 
He  was  a  large  hearted  gentleman,  and  a  friend  that 
any  person  might  be  proud  to  have.  But  he  was 
fresh.  He  went  to  the  Palmer  House  Tuesday  night, 
after  the  big  ball,  tired  nearly  to  death,  and  regis 
tered  his  name  and  called  for  a  bed. 

The  clerk  told  him  that  he  might  have  to  sleep  on 
a  red  lounge,  in  a  room  with  two  other  parties,  but 
that  was  the  best  that  could  be  done.  He  said  that 
was  all  right,  he  "had  tried  to  sleep  on  one  of  them 
cots  down  to  camp,  but  it  nearly  broke  his  back," 
and  he  would  be  mighty  glad  to  strike  a  lounge. 
The  clerk  called  a  bell  boy  and  said,  "Show  the  gen 
tleman  to  253." 

The  boy  took  the  Knight's  keister  and  went  to  tne 
elevator,  the  door  opened  and  the  Knight  went  in 
and  began  to  pull  off  his  coat,  when  he  looked 
around  and  saw  a  woman  on  the  plush  upholstered 
seat  of  the  elevator,  leaning  against  the  wall  with 
her  head  on  her  hand.  She  was  dressed  in  ball  cos 
tume,  with  one  of  those  white  Oxford  tie  dresses, 
cut  low  in  the  instep,  which  looked,  in  the  mussed 
and  bedraggled  condition  in  which  she  had  escaped 
from  the  exposition  ball,  very  much  to  the  Knight 
like  a  Knight  shirt.  The  astonished  pinery  man 
stopped  pulling  off  his  coat  and  turned  pale.  He 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

looked  at  the  woman,  and  then  at  the  elevator  boy, 
whom  he  supposed  was  the  bridegroom,  and  said: 

"By  gaul,  they  told  me  I.  would  have  to  sleep 
with  a  couple  of  other  folks,  but  I  had  no  idea  that 
I  should  strike  a  wedding  party  in  a  cussed  little 
bridal  chamber  not  bigger  than  a  hen  coop.  But 
there  ain't  nothing  mean  about  me,  only  I  swow  it's 
pretty  cramped  quarters,  ain't  it,  miss?"  and  he  sat 
down  on  one  end  of  the  seat  and  put  the  toe  of  one 
boot  against  the  calf  of  his  leg,  took  hold  of  the  heel 
with  the  other  hand  and  began  to  pull  it  off. 

"Sir!"  says  the  lady,  as  she  opened  her  eyes  and 
began  to  take  in  the  situation,  and  she  jumped  up 
and  glared  at  the  Knight  as  though  she  w«ould  eat 
him. 

He  stopped  pulling  on  the  boot  heel,  looked  up  at 
the  woman,  as  she  threw  a  loose  shawl  over  her 
low  neck  shoulders,,  and  said: 

"Now  don't  take  on.  The  bookkeeper  told  me  I 
could  sleep  on  the  lounge,  but  you  can  have  it,  and 
I  will  turn  in  on  the  floor.  I  ain?t  no  hog.  Some 
times  they  think  we  are  a  little  rough  up  in  Wau- 
sau,  but  we  always  give  the  best  places  to  the 
wimmen,  and  don't  you  forget  it,"  and  he  began 
tugging  on  the  boot  again. 

By  this  time  the  elevator  had  reached  the  next 
floor,  and  as  the  door  opened  the  woman  shot  out  of 
the  door,  and  the  elevator  boy  asked  the  Knight 
what  floor  he  wanted  to  go  to.  He  said  he  "didn't 
want  to  go  to  no  floor,"  unless  that  woman  wanted 
the  lounge,  but  if  she  was  huffy,  and  didn't  want  to 
stay  there,  he  was  going  to  sleep  on  the  lounge,  and 
he  began  to  unbutton  his  vest. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  '  229 

Just  then  a  dozen  ladies  and  gentlemen  got  into 
the  elevator  from  the  parlor  floor,  and  they  all 
looked  at  the  Knight  in  astonishment.  Five  of  the 
ladies  sat  down  on'  the  plush  seat,  and  he  looked 
around  at  them,  picked  up  his  boots  and  keister  and 
started  for  the  door,  saying: 

"  O,  say,  this  is  too  allfired  much.  I  could  get 
along  well  enough  with  one  woman  and  a  man,  but 
when  they  palm  off  twelve  grown  persons  onto  a 
granger,  in  a  sweat  box  like  this,  I  had  rather  go  to 
camp,"  and  he  strode  out,  to  be  met  by  a  policeman 
and  the  manager  of  the  house  and  two  clerks,  who 
had  been  called  by  the  lady  who  got  out  first  and 
who  said  there  was  a  drunken  man  in  the  elevator. 
They  found  that  he  was  sober,  and  all  that  ailed 
him  was  that  he  had  not  been  salted,  and  explana 
tions  followed  and  he  was  sent  to  his  room  by  the 
stairs. 

The  next  day  some  of  the  Knights  heard  the  story, 
and  it  cost  the  Wausau  man  several  dollars  to  foot 
the  bill  at  the  bar,  and  they  say  he  is  treating  yet. 
Such  accidents  will  happen  in  these  large  towns. 

THE  HORSE  GIRL  RACE. 

THE  Minneapolis  fair  has  been  for  some  months 
advertising  a  race  of  twenty  miles  between  a  Cali 
fornia  and  a  Minnesota  girl,  on  horseback,  and  on 
Wednesday  it  occurred.  The  girls  were  splendid 
horsewomen,  but  they  had  to  change  horses  each 
mile,  and  the  horses  were  strangers  to  the  girls,  and 
excited,  and  the  crowd  of  30,000  was  excited,  and 
the  girls  were  kicked,  trampled  on  and  jammed  into 
saddles  by  main  strength,  and  away  the  horses 


230        I 

would  go,  the  crowd  howling,  the  horses  flying 
and  the  poor  girls  sighing  and  holding  on  with 
their  teeth  and  toe  nails,  expecting  every  mo 
ment  to  be  thrown  off  and  galloped  over  by  the 
horses  and  the  crowd. 

The  pandemonium  was  kept  up  until  the  seventh 
round,  when  the  saddle  of  Miss  Jewett,  the  Minne 
sota  girl,  slipped,  and  she  was  thrown  to  the  ground 
on  the  back  stretch,  and  the  crowd  clamored  for  the 
master  of  ceremonies  to  send  her  another  horse, 
while  the  California  girl  whooped  it  up  around  the 
track.  They  had  to  send  a  stretcher  for  the  girl, 
and  she  was  brought  to  the  judge's  stand  as  near  a 
cold  corpse  as  could  be,  her  pale  face  showing 
through  the  dirt,  and  her  limber  form  telling  its  own 
story. 

Then  people  that  had  been  enjoying  the  "fun" 
looked  at  each  other  as  much  as  to 'say,  "We  are 
the  biggest  fools  outside  of  congress,  to  enjoy  cold 
blooded  murder,  and  call  it  fun."  The  girl  will  live, 
though  some  of  her  bones  are  warped.  This  whole 
subject  of  lady  horseback  riding  is  wrong.  The 
same  f  polish  side  saddles  are  used  that  were  used 
before  the  flood,  with  no  improvement  since  Eve 
used  to  ride  to  town  after  the  doctor  when  Adam 
had  the  rheumatiz. 

Women  can  ride  as  well  as  men,  if  they  are  given 
a  show,  but  to  place  them  on  a  horse  with  both  legs 
on  one  side  of  the  animal,  so  they  have  to  allow  for 
the  same  weight  of  other  portions  of  the  body  on  the 
other  side  to  balance  them,  is  awkward  and  danger 
ous,  and  it  is  a  wonder  that  more  do  not  fall  off  and 
squash  themselves.  A  well  built  woman  is  as  able 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  231 

to  ride  as  a  man.  Her  legs  are  strong  enough  to 
keep  her  on  a  horse — we  say  legs  understandingly, 
because  that  is  the  right  name  for  them—  if  she  can 
have  one  on  each  side,  but  to  shut  one  leg  up  like  a 
jack-knife  and  hang  it  up  on  a  pommel,  and  get  a 
check  for  it,  and  forget  that  she  has  got  a  leg,  and 
to  let  the  other  one  hang  down  listlessly  beside  the 
horse,  the  heel  of  the  foot  pounding  him  in  the  sixth 
rib,  is  all  nonesense,  and  those  two  legs,  that  ought 
to  be  the  main  support  of  the  rider,  are  of  no  more 
use  than  two  base  ball  clubs  would  be  hung  to  the 
saddle.  For  all  the  good  legs  do  on  a  side  saddle 
they  might  as  well  be  taken  off  and  left  at  home. 

Of  course  they  are  handy  to  have  along  if  a  lady 
wants  to  dismount,  out  in  the  woods,  and  pick  flow 
ers,  or  climb  a  tree  after  a  squirrel,  but  the  minute 
she  gets  in  the  saddle  her  legs  are  not  worth  the 
powder  to  blow  them  up.  And  talk  about  exercise 
and  developing  muscle,  walking  a  mile  is  better 
than  riding  all  summer. 

,  In  walking,  the  legs  and  all  the  muscles  of  the 
body  are  brought  into  action,  and  the  blood  courses 
through  the  veins,  and  a  girl  looks  like  a  thorough 
bred,  but  in  horseback  riding  the  legs  lay  dormant, 
get  to  sleep  and  have  to  be  waked  up  when  the 
owner  dismounts,  and  all  the  exercise  is  got  by  por 
tions  of  the  human  frame  that  never  has  seemed  to 
us  as  though  there  was  absolute  need  of  greater  de 
velopment. 

It  is  true  that  horseback  riding  makes  the  cheeks 
red.  Well,  blood  that  wouldn't  rush  to  the  head  af 
ter  being  churned  that  way  wouldn't  be  worth  hav 
ing.  It  has  to  go  somewhere.  It  can't  go  to  the 
legs,  because  they  are  paralyzed,  being  curled  up 


232 

like  a  tailor,  mending  trousers.  Horseback  exercise 
for  ladies,  on  a  side  saddle,  is  a  delusion  and  a  snare, 
and  does  not  amount  to  a  row  of  pins,  and  it  never 
will  be  worth  a  cent  until  women  can  ride  like  men. 
Then  the  lower  limbs — now  it  is  limbs — will  be  de 
veloped  and  health  will  be  the  result,  and  there  will 
be  no  danger  of  a  saddle  turning  and  a  helpless 
woman  being  dragged  to  her  death. 

There  is  nothing  indelicate  about  riding  on  both 
sides  of  a  horse,  if  they  once  get  used  to  it.  But  they 
have  got  to  get  over  this  superstition  that  to  ride  on 
horseback  a  woman  must  put  her  limbs  up  in  curl 
papers. 

THE  TROUBLE  MB.  STOREY  HAS. 

A  DISPATCH  from  Chicago  says  that  Wilbur  F. 
Storey,  of  the  Times,  is  in  a  bad  state,  and  that  he 
gets  around  by  leaning  on  his  young  wife  with  one 
hand  and  a  cane  with  the  other,  that  he  believes  his 
latter  end  is  approaching,  and  that  he  is  giving  lib 
erally  to  churches  and  has  quit  abusing  ministers, 
and  is  trying  to  lead  a  different  life. 

We  should  have  no  objections  to  Mr.  Storey's  go 
ing  to  heaven.  However  much  he  might  try  to 
revolutionize  things  there,  and  run  the  place,  there 
will  be  enough  of  us  there  to  hold  the  balance  of 
power  and  prevent  him  from  doing  any  particular 
damage.  Besides,  we  do  not  believe  he  is  responsi 
ble  for  the  cussedness  of  his  newspaper.  It  is  the 
wicked  young  men  he  keeps.  The  four  that  we 
know,  Wilkie,  Snowdon,  Seymour  and  Doc  Hin- 
man,  are  enough  to  make  the  truly  good  Mr.  Storey 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  233 

have  night  sweats.  They  never  refuse  when  you 
ask  them  up,  and  they  are  full  of  guile. 

Storey  got  fooled  the  worst  on  Snowdon.  Snow- 
don  is  a  graduate  of  a  nice  Christian  college  at 
Ripon,  a  beautiful  blonde  young  man  with  the  most 
resigned  and  pious  countenance  ,we  ever  saw,  one 
that  seems  to  draw  people  to  him.  His  heart  is  ten 
der  and  he  weeps  at  the  recital  of  suffering.  A 
stranger,  to  look  at  his  face  in  repose,  would  say 
that  he  was  an  evangelist  and  the  pillar  of  some 
church,  and  that  he  associated  only  with  the  truly 
good,  but  he  plays  the  almightiest  game  of  draw 
poker  of  any  man  in  Chicago. 

The  boys  say  that  when  Storey  engaged  Snowdon, 
after  the  fire,  he  got  him  to  attend  to  the  Sunday 
school  department,  and  to  keep  track  of  the  church 
sociables  and  to  report  the  noon  prayer  meetings, 
but  that  while  he  was  giving  him  instructions  in  the 
duties  that  he  would  be  expected  to  perform,  Storey 
suggested  that  as  the  evening  was  well  advanced 
that  they  play  a  game  of  "old  maid,"  an  innocent 
game  played  with  cards. 

Mr.  Snowdon  hesitated  at  first,  said  it  was  some 
thing  he  never  allowed  himself  to  do,  to  touch  a 
card,  as  he  had  promised  his  old  professor,  Mr.  Mer 
rill,  of  Ripon  college,  that  he  never  would  do  any 
thing  that  would  bring  reproach  upon  his  almira 
mater,  but  seeing  it  was  Storey  he  would  play  one 
game,  just  for  luck.  Well,  you  know  how  it  is. 
One  word  brought  on  another,  they  drifted,  by  easy 
stages,  into  draw  poker,  and  before  Snowdon  left  he 
had  won  two  hundred  and  eighty  dollars  and  an 
oroide  watch  chain  of  Storey. 


234  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Mr.  Storey  told  his  wife  the  next  morning  that  he 
never  was  so  deceived  in  a  pious  looking  young  per 
son  in  his  life.  "  Why,"  said  he,  as  he  was  thumb 
ing  over  the  Bible  to  read  a  chapter  before  morning 
prayers,  "the  tow  headed  cuss  would  draw  to  a  pair 
of  deuces  and  get  an  ace  full.  Let  us  unite  in 
prayer." 

However,  he  was  not  going  to  see  any  other  paper 
secure  Snowdon's  talent,  so  he  gave  him  a  box  stall 
up  in  the  top  of  the  Times  building,  and  any  day, 
after  3  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  you  can  go  there 
and  borrow  a  couple  of  dollars  of  him,  if  you  are  in 
Chicago  hard  up. 

The  Sun  hopes  Mr.  Storey  may  live  as  long  as  he 
can  make  it  pay,  and  when  he  dies  that  he  may  go 
to  the  celestial  regions,  but  he  must  not  go  and  build 
any  temporary  seats  and  charge  a  dollar  a  head  for 
us  fellows  from  the  country  to  see  the  procession  go 
by.  We  can  stand  those  things  here  on  earth,  but 
when  we  get  over  there  we  must  have  a  square  deal, 
or  jump  the  game. 

TRAGEDY  ON  THE  STAGE. 

THE  tendency  of  the  stage  is  to  present  practical, 
everyday  affairs  in  plays,  and  those  are  the  most 
successful  which  are  the  most  natural.  The  shoeing 
of  a  horse  on  the  stage  in  a  play  attracts  the  atten 
tion  of  the  audience  wonderfully,  and  draws  well. 
The  inner  workings  of  a  brewery,  or  a  mill,  is  a  big 
card,  but  there  is  hardly  enough  tragedy  about  it. 
If  they  could  run  a  man.  or  two  through  the  wheel, 
and  have  them  cut  up  into  hash,  or  have  them 
drowned  in  a  beer  vat,  audiences  could  applaud  as 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  235 

they  do  when  eight  or  nine  persons  are  stabbed, 
poisoned-  or  beheaded  in  the  Hamlets  and  Three 
Richards,  where  corpses  are  piled  up  on  top  of  each 
other. 

What  the  people  want  is  a  compromise  between 
old  tragedy  and  new  comedy.  Now,  if  some  mana 
ger  could  have  a  love  play,  where  the  heroine  goes 
into  a  slaughter  house  to  talk  love  to  the  butcher, 
instead  of  a  blacksmith  shop  or  a  brewery,  it  would 
take.  A  scene  could  be  set  for  a  slaughter  house, 
with  all  the  paraphernalia  for  killing  cattle,  and 
supe  butchers  to  stand  around  the  star  butcher  with 
cleavers  and  knives. 

The  star  butcher  could  sit  on  a  barrel  of  pigs'  feefc, 
or  a  pile  of  heads  and  horns,  and  soliloquize  over  his 
unrequited  love,  as  he  sharpened  a  butcher  knife  on 
his  boot.  The  hour  for  slaughtering  having  arrived, 
cattle  could  be  driven  upon  the  stage,  the  star  could 
knock  down  a  steer  and  cut  its  throat,  and  hang  it 
up  by  the  hind  legs  and  skin  it,  with  the  audience 
looking  on  breathlessly. 

As  he  was  about  to  cut  open  the  body  of  the  dead 
animal,  the  orchestra  could  suddenly  break  the  still 
ness,  and  the  heroine  could  waltz  "out  from  behind  a 
lot  of  dried  meat  hanging  up  at  one  side,  dressed  in 
a  lavender  satin  princess  dress,  en  train,  with  a 
white  reception  hat  with  ostrich  feathers,  and,  wad 
ing  through  the  blood  of  the  steer  on  the  carpet, 
shout,  "  Stay  your  hand,  Reginald!" 

The  star  butcher  could  stop,  wipe  his  knife  on  his 
apron,  motion  to  the  supe  butchers  to  leave,  and  he 
would  take  three  strides  through  the  blood  and  hair, 
to  the  side  of  the  heroine,  take  her  by  the  wrist  with 
his  bloody  hand,  and  shout,  "What  wiltest  thou, 


236 

Mary  Anderson  de  Montmorence?"  Then  they  could 
sit  down  on  a  box  of  intestines  and  liver  and  things 
and  talk  it  over,  and  the  curtain  could  go  down  with 
the  heroine  swooning  in  the  arms  of  the  butcher. 

Seven  years  could  elapse  between  that  act  and  the 
next,  and  a  scene  could  be  laid  in  a  boarding  house, 
and  some  of  the  same  beef  could  be  on  the  table, 
and  all  that.  Of  course  we  do  not  desire  to  go  into 
details.  We  are  no  play  writer,  but  we  know  what 
takes.  People  have  got  tired  of  imitation  blood  on 
the  stage.  They  kick  on  seeing  a  man  killed  in  one 
act,  and  come  out  as  good  as  new  in  the  next.  Any 
good  play  writer  can  take  the  cue  from  this  article 
and  give  the  country  a  play  that  will  take  the  bis 
cuit. 

Imagine  John  McCullough,  or  Barrett,  instead  of 
killing  Roman  supes  with  night  gowns  on,  and  bare 
legs,  killing  a  Texas  steer.  There's  where  you  would 
get  the  worth  of  your  money.  It  would  make  them 
show  the  metal  within  them,  and  they  would  have 
to  dance  around  to  keep  from  getting  a  horn  in  their 
trousers.  It  does  not  require  any  pluck  to  go  out  be 
hind  the  scenes  with  a  sword  and  kill  enough  supes 
for  a  mess.  Give  us  some  slaughter  house  tragedy, 
right  away. 

THE  MISTAKE  ABOUT  IT. 

THERE  is  nothing  that  is  more  touching  than  the 
gallantry  of  men,  total  strangers,  to  a  lady  who  has 
met  with  an  accident.  Any  man  who  has  a  heart  in 
him,  who  sees  a  lady  whose  apparel  has  become  dis 
arranged  in  such  a  manner  that  she  .cannot  see  it, 
will,  though  she  be  a  total  stranger,  tell  her  of  her 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE,  237 

misfortune,  so  she  can  fix  up  and  not  be  stared  at. 
But  sometimes  these  efforts  to  do  a  kindly  action  are 
not  appreciated,  and  men  get  fooled. 

This  was  illustrated  at  Watertown  last  week. 
People  have  no  doubt  noticed  that  one  of  the  late 
fashions  among  women  is  to  wear  at  the  bottom  of 
the  dress  a  strip  of  red,  which  goes  clear  around.  To 
the  initiated  it  looks  real  nice,  but  a  man  who  is  not 
posted  in  the  fashions  would  swear  that  the  woman's 
petticoat  was  dropping  off,  and  if  she  was  not  noti 
fied,  and  allowed  to  fix  it,  she  would  soon  be  in  a 
terrible  fix  on  the  street. 

It  was  a  week  ago  Monday  that  a  lady  from  Osh- 
kosh  was  at  Watertown  on  a  visit,  and  she  wore  a 
black  silk  dress  with  a  red  strip  on  the  bottom.  As 
she  walked  across  the  bridge  Mr.  Calvin  Cheeney,  a 
gentleman  whose  heart  is  in  the  right  place,  saw 
what  he  supposed  would  soon  be  a  terrible  accident, 
which  would  tend  to  embarrass  the  lady,  so  he 
stepped  up  to  her  in  the  politest  manner  possible, 
took  off  his  hat  and  said : 

(i  Excuse  me,  madame,  but  I  think  your  wearing 
apparel  is  becoming  disarranged.  You  might  step 
right  into  Clark's,  here,  and  fix  it,"  and  he  pointed 
to  the  bottom  of  her  dress. 

She  gave  him  a  look  which  froze  his  blood,  and 
shaking  her  dress  out  she  went  on.  He  said  it  was 
the  last  time  he  would  ever  try  to  help  a  woman  in 
distress. 

She  sailed  along  down  to  a  grocery  store  and 
stopped  to  look  at  some  grapes,  when  the  practiced 
eye  of  Hon.  Peter  Brook  saw  that  something  was 
wrong.  To  think  is  to  act  with  Peter,  and  he  at 
once  said: 


238  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

"Miss,  your  petticoat  seems  to  be  dropping  off. 
You  can^go  in  the  store  and  get  behind  that  box  of 
codfish  and  fix  it  if  you  want  to. 

Now  that  was  a  kind  thing  for  Peter  to  do,  and  an 
act  that  any  gentleman  might  be  proud  of,  but  he 
was  amazed  at  her  when  she  told  him  to  mind  his 
own  business,  and  she  would  attend  to  her  own  pet 
ticoat,  and  she  marched  off  just  a  trifle  mad. 

She  went  into  the  postoffice  to  mail  a  postal  card, 
just  as  Mr.  Moak,  the  postmaster,  came  out  of  his 
private  office  with  Hon.  L.  B.  Caswell,  the  congress 
man.  Mr.  Moak,  without  the  aid  of  his  glasses,  saw 
that  there  was  liable  to  be  trouble,  so  he  asked  Cas 
well  to  excuse  him  a  moment,  and  turning  to  the  de 
livery  window  where  she  was  asking  the  clerk  what 
time  the  mail  came  in,  he  said: 

"I  beg  a  thousand  pardgns,  madame.  It  ill  be 
comes  a  stranger  to  speak  to  one  so  fair  without  an 
introduction,  but  I  believe  that  I  am  not  violating 
the  civil  service  rules  laid  down  by  Mr.  Hayes  for 
the  guidance  of  postmasters  when  I  tell  you,  lady, 
that  something  has  broke  loose  and  that  the  red 
garment  that  you  fain  would  hide  from  the  gaze  of 
the  world  has  asserted  itself  and  appears  to  the 
naked  eye  about  two  chains  and  three  links  below 
your  dress.  I  am  going  abroad,  to  visit  Joe  Lindon, 
the  independent  candidate  for  sheriff,  and  you  can 
step  into  the  back  office  and  take  a  reef  in  it." 

He  did  not  see  the  look  of  fire  in  her  eyes  as  he 
went  out,  because  he  was  not  looking  at  her  eye. 
She  passed  out,  and  Doc  Spaulding,  who  has  got  a 
heart  in  him  as  big  as  a  box  car,  saw  it,  and  touch 
ing  his  broad  brimmed  felt  hat  he  said,  in  a  whisper: 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  239 

"  Madame,  you  better  drop  into  a  millinery  store 
and  i  asten  up  your — 

But  she  passed  him  on  a  run,  and  was  just  going 
into  a  hardware  store,  with  her  hand  on  her  pistol 
pocket,  when  Jule  Keyes  happened  along.  Now, 
Jule  would  consider  himself  a  horse  thief  if  he  shoud 
allow  a  woman  to  go  along  the  street  with  anything 
the  matter  with  her  clothes,  and  he  not  warn  her  of 
the  consequences,  so  he  stopped  and  told  her  that 
she  must  excuse  him,  a  perfect  stranger,  for  men 
tioning  her  petticoat,  but  the  fact  was  that  it  was 
coming  off. 

By  this  time  the  woman  was  mad.  She  bought  a 
pistol  and  started  for  the  depot,  firmly  resolved  to 
kill  the  first  man  that  molested  her.  She  did  not 
meet  anybody  until  she  arrived  at  the  Junction,  and 
she  sat  down  in  the  depot  to  rest  before  the  train 
came. 

Pierce,  the  hotel  man,  is  one  of  the  most  noticin' 
persons  anywhere,  and  she  hadn't  been  seated  a 
York  minute  before  his  eye  caught  the  discrepancy 
in  her  apparel.  He  tried  to  get  the  telegraph  opera 
tor  and  the  express  man  to  go  and  tell  her  about  it, 
but  they  wouldn't,  so  he  went  and  took  a  seat  near 
her. 

' '  It  is  a  warm  day,  madame,"  said  Pierce,  looking 
at  the  red  strip  at  the  bottom  of  her  dress. 

She  drew  her  pistol,  cocked  it,  and  pointed  it  at 
Pierce,  who  was  trembling  in  every  leg,  and  said: 

<k  Look-a-here,  you  young  cuss.  I  have  had  half 
a  dozen  grown  persons  down  town  tell  me  my  petti 
coat  was  coming  off,  and  I  have  stood  it  because  I 
thought  they  were  old  enough  to  know  what  they 
were  talking  about,  but  when  it  comes  to  boys  of 


240  PECK'S  SUITSHINE. 

/ 

your  age  coming  around  thinking  they  know  all 
about  women's  clothes  it  is  too  much,  and  the  shoot 
ing  is  going  to  commence." 

Mr.  Pierce  made  one  bound  and  reached  the  door, 
and  then  got  behind  a  white  grey  hound  and  waited 
for  her  to  go  away,  which  she  soon  did.  As  she 
was  stepping  on  the  car  the  conductor,  Jake  Saze- 
rowski,  said  to  her: 

' '  Your  apparel,  madame,  seems  to  be  demoral 
ized,"  but  she  rushed  into  the  car,  and  was  seen  no 
more. 

Since  then  these  gentlemen  have  all  learned  that 
the  fashion  calls  for  a  red  strip  at  the  bottom  of  a 
dress,  and  they  will  make  no  more  mistakes.  But 
they  were  all  serious  enough,  and  their  interference 
was  prompted  by  pure  kindness  of  heart,  and  not 
from  any  wicked  thoughts. 

THE  MAN  FROM  DTJBTJaUE. 

LAST  week,a  young  man  from  the  country  west  of 
here  came  in  on  the  evening  train  and  walked  up  to 
Grand  avenue,  with  a  fresh  looking  young  woman 
hanging  on  to  one  handle  of  a  satchel  while  he  held 
the  other.  They  turned  into  the  Plankinton  House, 
and  with  a  wild  light  in  his  eye  the  man  went  to  the 
book  and  registered  his  name  and  that  of  the  lady 
with  him. 

While  the  clerk  was  picking  out  a  couple  of  rooms 
that  were  near  together,  the  man  looked  around  at 
the  colored  man  who  had  the  satchel,  and  as  the 
clerk  said,  "Show  the  gentleman  to  No.  65  and  the 
lady  to  67,"  he  said,  "Hold  on,  'squire!  One  room 
will  do." 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  241 

On  being  shown  to  the  room,  the  bridegroom  came 
right  out  with  the  bell  boy  and  appeared  at  the  of 
fice.  Picking  out  a,  benevolent  looking  gentleman, 
with  a  good  place  to  raise  hair  on  his  head,  who  was 
behind  the  counter,  the  groom  said: 

"  Say,  can  a  man  enjoy  religion  in  this  house?" 

Mr.  White  said  a  man  could  if  he  brought  it  with 
him.  They  had  none  on  hand  to  issue  out  to  guests, 
but  they  never  interfered  with  those  who  had  it 
when  they  arrived. 

"  Why,"  says  the  manager  of  the  house,  "has 
anybody  interfered  with  your  devotions  here?" 

"  No,  not  here,"  said  the  man,  wiping  his  fore 
head  with  a  red  handkerchief.  "But  they  have  at 
Dubuque.  I'll  tell  you  how  it  was.  I  was  married 
a  couple  of  days  ago,  and  night  before  last  I  put  up 
at  a  Dubuque  hotel.  My  wife  never  had  Deen  mar 
ried  before,  any  at  all,  and  she  is  timid,  and  thinks 
everybody  is  watching  us,  and  making  fun  of  us. 
She  jumps  at  the  slightest  sound. 

"  Well,  we  went  to  our  room  in  the  afternoon,  and 
she  began  to  cry,  and  said  if  she  wasn't  married  she 
never  would  be  the  longest  day  she  lived.  I  sort  of 
put  my  arm  around  her,  and  was  just  telling  her 
that  everybody  had  {o  get  married,  when  there  was 
a  knock  on  the  door,  and  she  jumped  more  than 
thirty  feet. 

"You  see  that  finger.  Well,  a  pin  in  her  belt 
stuck  clear  through,  and  came  near  making  me  faint 
away.  I  held  my  finger  in  my  mouth,  and  telling 
her  the  house  was  not  on  fire,  I  went  to  the  door 
and  there  was  a  porter  there  who  wanted  to  know 
if  I  wanted  any  more  coal  on  the  fire.  I  drove  him 
away,  and  sat  down  in  a  big  rocking  chair  with  my 


~42  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

wife  in  my  lap,  and  was  stroking  her  hair  and  tell 
ing-  her  that  if  she  would  forgive  me  for  marrying  I 
never  would  do  so  again,  and  trying  to  make  her 
feel  more  at  home,  when  there  came  another  knock 
at  the  door,  and  she  jumped  clear  across  the  room 
and  knocked  over  a  water  pitcher. 

"  This  seal  ring  on  my  finger  caught  in  her  frizzes 
and  I'll  be  cussed  if  the  whole  top  of  her  head  didn't 
come  off.  I  was  a  little  flurried  and  went  to  the 
door,  and  a  chambermaid  was  there  with  an  armful 
of  towels  and  she  handed  me  a  couple  and  went  off. 
My  wife  came  into  camp  again,  and  began  to  cry 
and  accuse  me  of  pulling  her'hair,  when  I  went  up 
to  her  and  put  my  arm  around  her  waist,  and  was 
just  going  to  kiss  her,  just  as  any  man  would  be 
justified  in  kissing  his  wife  under  the  circumstances, 
when  she  screamed  murder  and  fell  against  the 
bureau. 

"I  looked  around  and  the  door  had  opened,  and 
there  was  a  colored  man  coming  into  the  room  with 
a  kerosene  lamp,  and  he  chuckled  and  said  he  beg 
ged  my  pardon.  Now,  I  am  a  man  that  don't  let  my 
temper  get  away  with  me,  but  as  it  was  three  hours 
before  dark  I  didn't  see  what  was  the  use  of  a  lamp, 
and  I  told  him  to  get  out  of  there.  Before  6  o'clock 
that  evening  there  had  been  twenty  raps  at  the  door, 
and  we  got  sick.  My  wife  said  she  would  not  stay 
in  that  house  for  a  million  dollars.  So  we  started 
for  Milwaukee. 

"  I  tried  to  get  a  little  sleep  on  the  cars,  but  every 
little  while  a  conductor  would  wake  me  up  and  roll 
me  over  in  the  seat  to  look  at  my  ticket,  and  brake- 
men  would  run  against  my  legs  in  the  aisle  of  the 
car,  and  shout  the  names  of  stations  till  I  was  sorry 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  243 

I  ever  left  home.     Now,  I  want  to  have  rest  and 
quietude.     Can  I  have  it  here?" 

The  manager  told  him  to  go  to  his  room,  and  if  he 
wanted  any  coal  or  ice  water  to  ring  for  it,  and  if ' 
anybody  knocked  at  his  door  without  being  sent 
for,  to  begin  shooting  bullets  through  the  door.  That 
settled  it,  and  when  the  parties  returned  to  Iowa 
they  said  this  country  was  a  mighty  sight  different 
from  Dubuque. 

THE  GIDDY  GIRLS  QUARREL. 

A  DISPATCH  from  Brooklyn  states  that  at  the  con 
clusion  of  a  performance  at  the  theatre,  Fanny 
Davenport's  wardrobe  was  attached  by  Anna  Dick 
inson  and  the  remark  is  made  that  Fanny  will  con 
test  the  matter.  Well,  we  should  think  she  would. 
What  girl  would  sit  down  silently  and  allow  another 
to  attach  her  wardrobe  without  .contesting?  It  is 
no  light  thing  for  an  actress  to  have  her  wardrobe 
attached  after  the  theatre  is  out.  Of  course  Fanny 
could  throw  something  over  her,  a  piece  of  scenery, 
or  a  curtain,  and  go  to  her  hotel,  but  how  would 
she  look?  Miss  Davenport  always  looked  well  with 
her  wardrobe  on,  but  it  may  have  been  all  in  the 
wardrobe.  Without  a  wardrobe  she  may  look  very 
plain  and  unattractive. 

Anna  Dickinson  has  done  very  wrong.  She  has 
struck  Fanny  in  a  vital  part.  An  actress  with  a 
wardrobe  is  one  of  the  noblest  works  of  nature.  She 
is  the  next  thing  to  an  honest  man,  which  is  the 
noblest  work,  though  we  do  not  say  it  boastingly. 
We  say  she  is  next  to  an  honest  man,  with  a  ward 
robe,  but  if  she  has  no  wardrobe  it  is  not  right. 


244  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

However,  we  will  change  the  subject  before  it  gets 
too  deep  for  us. 

Now,  the  question  is,  what  is  Anna  Dickinson 
going  to  do  with  Fanny's  wardrobe?  She  may  think 
Fanny's  talent  goes  with  it,  but  if  she  will  carefully 
search  the  pockets  she  will  find  that  Fanny  retains 
her  talent,  and  has  probably  hid  it  under  a  bushel, 
or  an  umbrella,  or  something,  before  this  time. 
Anna  cannot  wear  Fanny's  wardrobe  to  play  on  the 
stage,  because  she  is  not  bigger  than  a  banana, 
while  Fanny  is  nearly  six  feet  long,  from  tip  to  tip. 
If  Anna  should  come  out  on  a  stage  with  the  Daven 
port  wardrobe,  the  boys  would  throw  rolls  of  cotton 
batting  at  her. 

Fanny's  dress,  accustomed  to  so  much  talent, 
would  have  to  be  stuffed  full  of  stuff.  There  would 
be  room  in  Fanny's  dress,  if  Anna  had  it  on,  as  we 
remember  the  two,  to  put  in  a  feather  bed,  eleven 
rolls  of  cotton  batting,  twelve  pounds  of  bird  seed, 
four  rubber  air  cushions,  two  dozen  towels,  two 
brass  bird  cages,  a  bundle  of  old  papers,  a  sack  of 
bran  and  a  bale  of  hay.  That  is,  in  different  places. 
Of  course  all  this  truck  wouldn't  go  in  the  dress  in 
any  one  given  locality.  If  Anna  should  put  on 
Fanny's  dress,  and  have  it  filled  up  so  it  would  look 
any  way  decent,  and  attempt  to  go  to  Canada,  she 
would  be  arrested  for  smuggling. 

Why,  if  Dickinson  should  put  on  a  pair  of  Daven 
port's  stockings,  now  for  instance,  it  would  be 
necessary  to  get  out  a  search  warrant  to  find  her. 
She  could  pin  the  tops  of  them  at  her  throat  with  a 
brooch,  and  her  whole  frame  would  not  fill  one 
stocking  half  as  well  as  they  have  been  filled  before 
being  attached,  and  Anna  would  look  like  a  Santa 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  245 

Claus  present  of  a  crying  ctoll,  hung  on  to  a  mantel 
piece. 

Fanny  Davenport  is  one  of  the  handsomest  and 
splendidest  formed  women  on  the  American  stage, 
and  a  perfect  lady,  while  Dickinson,  who  succeeds 
to  her  old  clothes  through  the  law,  is  small,  not 
handsome,  and  a  quarrelsome  female  who  thinks 
she  has  a  mission.  The  people  of  this  country  had 
rather  see  Fanny  Davenport  without  any  wardrobe 
to  speak  of  than  to  see  Dickinson  with  clothes 
enough  to  start  a  second  hand  store. 

DON'T  LEAVE  YOUR  GUM  ABOUND. 

A  WOMAN  at  Wyocena,  who  chews  gum,  laid  her 
"  quid"  on  a  green  paper  box,  and  when  she  came 
to  chew  it  again  was  poisoned  and  it  was  with  diffi 
culty  her  life  was  saved.  This  reminds  us  of  an 
accident  that  happened  to  Mary  Anderson  wherf  she 
wTas  here  last.  Mary  will  remember  that  in  the 
second  scene  of  "  Ingomar,"  just  when  Parthenia 
was  winding  herself  around  the  heart  of  the  bar 
barian,  she  looked  pale,  and  whenever  she  would 
try  to  say  sweet  words  to  him,  she  acted  as  though 
she  was  on  a  lake  excursion. 

During  some  of  the  love  passages  we  remember  a 
far  away  look  in  her  eyes,  as  though  she  was  search 
ing  for  the  unfathomable,  or  looking  for  a  friendly 
railing  to  lean  over,  and  when  her  bosom  heaved 
with  emotion  she  acted  as  though  she  expected  to 
hear  from  down  country,  and  doubted  whether  her 
boots  would  remain  011  her  feet  or  throw  up  their 
situation.  Those  who  .sat  in  the  left  box  will  re 
member  that  when  she  threw  her  head  on  Ingo- 


246  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

mar's  shoulder,  that  she  spit  cotton  over  towards 
the  back  of  the  stage,  and  acted  like  the  little  girl 
that  had  -been  eating  tomatoes. 

Ingomar  seemed  to  notice  that  something  was  the 
matter,  and  he  kept  his  face  as  far  from  Parthenia 
as  the  rules  of  polite  society  would  admit,  and  the 
theory  that  she  had  been  eating  onions,  which  was 
advanced  by  a  bald-headed  man  in  the  dress  circle, 
found  many  believers.  However,  that  was  not  the 
case,  as  we  found  by  inquiring  of  a  gentlemanly 
supe.  It  is  well  known  that  Miss  Anderson  is  ad 
dicted  to  the  gum  chewing  habit,  and  that  when  she 
goes  upon  the  stage  she  sticks  her  chew  of  gum  on 
an  old  castle  painted  on  the  scenery. 

There  was  a  wicked  young  man  playing  a  minor 
part  in  the  play,  who  had  been  treated  scornfully 
by  Mary,  as  he  thought,  and  he  had  been  heard  to 
say  he  would  make  her  sick.  He  did.  He  took  her 
chew  of  gum  and  spread  it  out  so  it  was  as  thin  as 
paper,  then  placed  a  chew  of  tobacco  inside,  neatly 
wrapped  it  up,  and  stuck  it  back  on  the  old  castle. 
Mary  came  off,  when  the  curtain  went  down,  and 
going  up  to  the  castle  she  bit  like  a  bass.  Putting 
the  gum,  which  she  had  no  idea  was  loaded,  into 
her  mouth,  she  mashed  it  between  her  ivories  and 
rolled  it  as  a  sweet  morsel  under  her  tongue.  It  is 
said  by  those  who  happened  to  be  behind  the  scenes, 
that  when  the  tobacco  began  to  get  in  its  work  there 
was  the  worst  transformation  scene  that  ever  ap 
peared  on  the  stage.  The  air,  one  supe  said,  seemed 
to  be  full  of  fine  cut  tobacco  and  spruce  gum,  and 
Mary  stood  there  and  leaned  against  a  painted  rock, 
a  picture  of  homesickness. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  24:7 

She  was  pale  about  the  gills,  and  trembled  like  an 
aspen  leaf  shaken  by  the  wind.  She  was  calm  as  a 
summer's  morning,  and  while  concealment,  like  a 
worm  in  an  apple,  gnawed  at  her  stomach,  and  tore 
her  corset  strings,  she  did  not  upbraid  the  wretch 
who  had  smuggled  the  vile  pill  into  her  counten 
ance.  All  she  said,  as  she  turned  her  pale  face  to 
the  painted  ivy  on  the  rock,  and  grasped  a  painted 
mantel  piece  with  her  left  hand,  as  her  right  hand 
rested  on  her  heaving  stomach,  was,  "  I  die  by  the 
hand  of  an  assassin."  And  the  soft  scenic  moon 
rose  up  slowly,  and  calmly  she  looked  down  from 
the  flies,  and  Mary  was  saved.  Women  can't  be  too 
careful  where  they  put  their  gum. 

THE    WAY    TO    NAME    CHILDBEN. 

THE  names  of  Indians  are  sometimes  so  peculiar 
that  people  are  made  to  wonder  how  the  red  men  be 
came  possessed  of  them.  That  of  "Sitting  Bull," 
" Crazy  Horse,"  "Man  Afraid  of  his  Horses,"  "Red 
Cloud,"  etc.,  cause  a  good  deal  of  thought  to  those 
who  do  not  know  how  the  names  are  given.  The 
fact  of  the  matter  is  that  after  a  child  of  the  forest 
is  born  the  medicine  man  goes  to  the  door  and  looks 
out  and  the  first  object  that  attracts  his  attention  is 
made  use  of  to  name  the  child.  When  the  mother 
of  that  great  warrior  gave  birth  to  her  child  the 
medicine  man  looked  out  and  saw  a  bull  seated  on 
its  haunches  ;  hence  the  name  "Sitting  Bull."  It  is 
an  evidence  of  our  superior  civilization  that  we 
name  children  on  a  different  plan,  taking  the  name 
of  some  eminent  man  or  woman,  some  uncle  or 
aunt  to  fasten  on  to  the  unsuspecting  stranger.  Sup- 


248  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

pose  that  the  custom  that  is  in  vogue  among  the  In 
dians  should  be  in  use  among  us,  we  would  have,  in 
stead  of  "George  Washington"  and  "Hanner 
Jane,"  and  such  beautiful  names,  some  of  the  worst 
jaw-breakers  that  ever  was.  Suppose  the  attending 
physician  should  go  the  door  after  a  child  was  born 
and  name  it  after  the  first  object  he  saw.  We  might 
have  some  future  statesman  named  "Red  Headed 
Servant  Girl  with  a  Rubber  Bag  of  Hot  Water  "  or 
"Bald-headed  Husband  Walking  Up  and  Down  the 
Alley  with  His  Hands  in  His  Pockets  swearing  this 
thing  shall  never  Happen  Again."  If  the  doctor 
happened  to  go  the  door  when  the  grocery  delivery 
wagon  was  there  he  would  name  the  child  "Boy 
from  Dixon's  Grocery  with  a  Codfish  by  the  Tail  and 
a  Bag  of  Oatmeal,"  or  if  the  ice  man  was  the  first 
object  the  doctor  saw  some  beautiful  girl  might  go 
down  to  history  with  the  name,  "Pirate  with  a  Lump 
of  Ice  About  as  Big  as  a  Solitaire  Diamond."  Or 
suppose  it  was  about  election  time,  and  the  doctor 
should  look  out,  he  might  name  a  child  that  had  a 
right  to  grow  up  a  minister,  "Candidate  for  office 
so  Full  of  Bug  Juice  that  His  Back  Teeth  are 
Afloat ;"  or  suppose  he  should  look  out  and  see  a 
woman  crossing  a  muddy  street,  he  might  name  a 
child  "  Woman  with  a  Sealskin  Cloak  and  a  Hole 
in  Her  Stocking  going  Down  Town  to  Buy  a  Red 
Hat. "  It  wouldn't  do  at  all  to  name  children  the  way 
Indians  do,  because  the  doctors  would  have  the 
whole  business  in  their  hands,  and  the  directories 
are  big  enough  now. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  249 

ABOUT  RAILROAD  CONDUCTORS. 

ABOUT  the  time  the  Wisconsin  Central  conductors 
were  being  hauled  over  the  coals,  some  paper  did  a 
very  unjust  thing  by  insinuating  that  there  was 
about  to  be  a  general  overhauling  on  the  old  estab 
lished  roads,  and  carried  the  idea  that  there  was 
crookedness  among  conductors  .who  have  been 
trusted  employes  for  more  years  than  the  reporters 
of  the  papers  making  the  insinuations  have  lived. 

This  is  entirely  wrong.  It  is  well  enough  to  joke 
conductors  about  "dividing  with  the  company/'  and 
all  that,  and  the  conductors  take  such  jokes  all 
right,  and  laugh  about  them,  but  when  a  serious 
charge  is  made  by  a  newspaper  it  is  no  joking  mat 
ter. 

Men  who  have  hel$  responsible  positions  for  fif 
teen  years  under  managers  who  are  the  sharpest 
men  in  this  country,  are  not  apt  to  be  crooked,  and 
we  notice  that  when  there  is  a  chance  they  are  pro 
moted,  and  if  they'leave  the  railroad  it  is  always  to 
enter  into  a  better  business,  and  they  are  honored 
everywhere. 

We  hold  that  no  man  can  occupy  a  position  on 
one  of  our  great  railroads  for  ten  years  if  he  is 
crooked.  It  would  not  pay  a  conductor  to  steal,  if 
he  had  the  desire.  They  are  all  men  of  families, 
well  connected,  and  many  of  them  have  children 
grown  up.  Would  they  do  an  act  that  would  bring 
disgrace  not  only  upon  themselves  but  their  rela 
tives,  wives,  children,  and  forever  debar  them  from 
society  for  a  paltry  few  dollars  that  they  could  bilk 
a  railroad  company  out  of?  The  idea  is  preposter 
ous,  and  an  insult  to  their  intelligence. 


250  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

As  well  say  that  the  bookkeepers  of  our  business 
houses,  the  managers' of  our  manufactories,  were 
systematically  stealing  from  employers.  The  con 
ductors  have  got  sense.  This  talk  about  stealing  is 
disgusting.  You  send  your  wives  and  children  off 
on  a  train  liable  to  meet  with  accident.  The  first 
thing  you  do  if  you  are  acquainted  with  the  road  is 
to  find  out  what  conductor  is  going  to  run  the  train. 
If  it  is  one  you  know,  you  feel  just  as  secure  as 
though  the  wife  and  children  were  under  the  escort 
of  your  brother. 

You  know  that  if  anything  happens  the  first 
thought  of  the  conductor  is  the  safety  of  the  women 
and  children,  at  the  expense  of  his  own  safety.  And 
when  your  loved  ones  come  home  safe,  and  you  meet 
them  at  the  train,  and  the  conductor  stands  upon 
the  platform  as  the  train  backs  into  the  depot,  look 
ing  at  nobody,  but  his  eye  fixed  upon  the  chances  of 
accident,  you  always  feel  as  though  you  wanted  to 
put  your  arm  around  him  and  say,  "Bully  for  you, 
old  boy." 

If  your  wife  gets  out  of  money  on  a  journey  the 
conductor  goes  down  into  his  own  pocket,  and  not 
into  the,  railroad  company's,  and  tells  her  not  to 
worry,  as  he  hands  her  what  money  she  wants.  If 
your  child  is  taken  sick  on  the  journey,  who  but  the 
conductor  sees  to  sending  a  dispatch  to  you  quicker 
than  lightning,  and  who  brings  a  pillow  in  from  the 
sleeper  and  makes  the  little  one  as  comfortable  as 
he  would  his  own  little  one  at  home? 

You  appreciate  these  things  at  the  time,  but  some 
day  you  will  say,  "How  can  a  man  drive  a  fast 
horse  on  eighty  dollars  a  month?"  Then  you  think 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  251 

you  are  smart.  We  will  tell  you.  The  conductors 
are  pretty  sharp  business  men.  They  can't  travel 
all  .the  time,  and  come  in  contact  with  all  the  wrorld, 
and  not  be  sharp.  They  see  chances  to  make  money 
outside  of  their  business. 

For  instance,  one  of  them  who  is  a  good  judge 
sees  a  horse  at  some  interior  town  that  he  knows  is 
worth  three  times  as  much  in  Milwaukee  or  Chicago 
as  the  owner  asks  for  it.  He  would  be  a  fool  if  he 
did  not  buy  it.  We  have  known  a  conductor  to 
make  more  money  on  two  horse  trades  than  his 
salary  would  amount  to  for  three  months.  Would 
you  object  to  his  doi-ng  it?  He  did  not  neglect  the 
business  the  company  paid  him  to  perform. 

Sometimes  a  conductor  feels  in  his  inmost  heart 
that  the  indications  are  that  wheat  is  going  up.  Is 
it  any  worse  for  him  to  take  a  deal  in  wheat  than  it 
is  for  the  deacon  in  his  church?  If  he  makes  five 
hundred  dollars  on  the  deal,  and  puts  an  addition  on 
his  house,  is  it  the  square  thing  for  you  to  say  he 
stole  it  out  of  the  company?  Their  knowledge  of 
railroads  and  business  frequently  gives  them  an 
idea  that  stocks  are  liable  to  go  up  or  down,  and  of 
ten  they  invest  with  good  results. 

We  will  take  the  chances  with  conductors,  as 
square  men,  by  the  side  of  any  business  men,  and  it 
makes  us  as  mad  as  a  wet  hen  to  hear  people  talk 
about  their  stealing.  As  well  say  that  because  one 
bank  cashier  steals  that  they  are  all  robbing  the 
banks.  Quit  this,  now. 


252  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

A  HOT  BOX  AT  A  PICNIC. 

AN  Oshkosh  young  man  started  for  a  picnic  in  a 
buggy  with  two  girls,  and  when  they  got  half  way 
they  got  a  hot  box  to  the  hind  wheel  of  the  buggy, 
and  they  remained  there  all  the  afternoon  pouring 
water  on  the  wheel,  missing  the  picnic.  There  is 
nothing  that  will  cause  a  hot  box  in  a  buggy  so 
quick  as  going*  to  a  picnic  with  girls.  Particularly 
is  this  the  case  when  on,,  has  two  girls.  No  young 
man  should  ever  take  two  girls  to  a  picnic.  He  may 
think  one  cannot  have  too  much  of  a  good  thing, 
and  that  he  holds  over  the  most  of  the  boys  who 
have  only  one  girl,  but  before  the  picnic  is  over  he 
will  note  the  look  of  satisfaction  on  the  faces  of  the 
other  boys  as  they  stray  off  in  the  vernal  shade,  and 
he  will  look  around  at  his  two  girls  as  though  his 
stomach  was  overloaded.  We  don't  care  how  attrac 
tive  the  girls  are,  or  how  enterprising  a  boy  he  is,  or 
how  expansive  or  far-reaching  a  mind  he  has,  he 
cannot  do  justice  to  the  subject  if  he  has  two  girls. 
There  will  be  a  certain  clashing  of  interests  that  no 
young  boy  in  his  goslinghood,  as  most  boys  are  when 
they  take  two  girls  to  a  picnic,  has  the  diplomacy  to 
prevent.  Now,  this  may  seem  a  trifling  thing  to 
write  about  and  for  a  great  pious  paper  to  publish, 
but  there  is  more  at  the  bottom  of  it  than  is  gener 
ally  believed.  If  we  start  the  youth  of  the  land  out 
right  in  the  first  place  they  will  be  all  right,  but  if 
they  start  out  by  taking  two  girls  to  a  picnic  their 
whole  lives  are  liable  to  become  acidulated,  and  they 
will  grow  up  hating  themselves.  If  a  young  man  is 
good-natured  and  tries  to  do  the  fair  thing,  and  a 
picnic  is  got  up,  the  rest  of  the  boys  are  liable  to 


253 

play  it  on  him.  There  is  always  some  old  back 
number  of  a  girl  who  has  no  fellow,  who  wants  to 
go,  and  the  boys,  after  they  all  get  girls  and  buggies 
engaged,  will  canvass  among  themselves  to  see,  who 
shall  take  this  extra  girl,  and  it  always  falls  to  the 
good-natured  young  man.  He  says  of  course  there 
is  room  for  three  in  the  buggy.  Sometimes  he 
thinks  may  be  this  old  girl  can  be  utilized  to  drive 
the  horse,  and  then  he  can  converse  with  his  own 
sweet  girl,  with  both  hands,  but  in  such  a  moment 
as  ye  think  not  he  finds  ouu  that  the  extra  girl  is 
afraid  of  horses,  dare  not  drive,  and  really  requires 
some  holding  to  keep  her  nerves  quiet.  The  young  man 
begins  to  realize  by  this  time  that  life  is  one  great 
disappointment.  He  tries  to  drive  with  one  hand 
hand,  and  consoles  his  good  girl,  who  is  a  little  cross 
at  the  turn  affairs  have  taken,  with  the  other,  but  it 
is  a  failure,  and  finally  his  good  girl  says  she  will 
drive,  and  then  he  has  to  put  an  arm  around  them 
both,  which  will  give  more  or  less  dissatisfaction, 
the  best  way  you  can  fix  it.  If  we  had  a  boy  that 
didn't  seem  to  have  any  more  sense  than  to  make  a 
hat  rack  of  himself  to  hang  girls  on  in  a  buggy  we 
should  labor  with  him  and  tell  him  of  the  agonies 
we  had  experienced  in  youth,  when  the  boys  palmed 
off  two  girls  on  us  to  take  to  a  country  picnic,  and 
we  believe  we  can  do  no  greater  favor  to  the  young 
men  who  are  just  entering  the  picnic  of  life  than  to 
impress  upon  them  the  importance  of  doing  one 
thing  at  a  time,  and  doing  it  well.  Start  right  at 
first,  and  life  will  be  one  continued  picnic  buggy 
ride,  but  if  your  mind  is  divided  in  youth  you  will 
always  be  looking  for  hot  boxes  and  annoyance. 


254  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

BROKE  UP  A  PRAYER  MEETING. 

A  FEW  months  ago  the  spectacle  presented  itself 
of  a  very  respectable  lady  of  the  Seventh  Ward, 
wearing  a  black  eye.  There  never  was  a  case  of 
ante-election  that  was  any  more  perfect  than  the 
one  this  lady  carried. 

We  have  seen  millions  of  black  eyes  in  our  time, 
some  of  which  were  observed  in  a  mirror,  but  we 
never  saw  one  that  suggested  a  row  any  plainer 
than  the  one  the  Seventh  Ward  lady  wore.  It  was 
cut  biased,  that  being  the  latest  style  of  black  eye, 
and  was  fluted  with  purple  and  orange  shade,  and 
trimmed  with  the  same.  Probably  we  never  should 
have  known  about  the  black  eye  had  not  the  lady 
asked,  as  she  held  her  hand  over  one  eye,  if  there 
was  any  t»uth  in  the  story  that  a  raw  oyster  would 
cure  a  black  eye.  She  camo  to  us  as  an  expert. 
When  we  told  her  that  a  piece  of  beefsteak  was 
worth  two  oysters  she  uncovered  the  eye. 

It  looked  as  though  painted  by  one  of  the  old  mas 
ters. 

Rather  than  have  anybody  think  she  •  had  been 
having  a  row  she  explained  how  it  happened.  She 
was  sitting  with  her  husband  and  little  girl  in 
the  parlor,  and  while  the  two  were  reading, 
the  little  one  disappeared.  The  mother  went  to 
the  girl's  room,  on  tip-toe,  to  see  if  she  was 
asleep.  She  found  the  girl  with  all  her  dolls  on 
the  floor,  having  a  doll's  prayer  meeting.  She 
had  them  all  down  on  their  knees,  and,  would  let 
them  pray  one  at  a  time,  then  sing.  One  of  the 
dolls  that  squeaked  when  pressed  on  the  stomach 
was  leader  of  the  singing,  and  the  little  girl  bossed 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  255 

the  job.  There  was  one  old  maid  doll  that  the  little 
girl  seemed  to  be  disgusted  with  because  the  doll 
talked  too  much,  and  she  would  say  : 

"  There,  Miss,  you  sit  down  and  let  some  of  the 
other  sisters  get  in  a  word  edgeways.  Sister  Per 
kins,  won't  you  relate  your  experience  ?" 

After  listening  to  this  for  a  few  moments  the 
mother  heard  the  girl  say  : 

"Now,  Polly,  you  pass  the  collection  plate,  and 
nobody  must  put  in  lozengers,  and  then  we  will  all 
go  to  the  dancing  school." 

The  whole  thing  was  so  ridiculous  that  the  mother 
attempted  to  rush  down  stairs  three  at  a  time,  to 
have  her  husband  come  up  to  prayer  meeting,  when 
she  stubbed  herself  on  a  stair  rod,  and — well,  she  got 
the  black  eye  on  the  journey  down  stairs,  though 
what  hit  her  she  will  probably  never  know.  But 
she  said  when  she  began  to  roll  down  stairs  she  felt 
in  her  innermost  soul  as  though  she  had  broke  up 
that  prayer  meeting  prematurely. 

SHOOTING  ON  SUNDAY,  WITH  THE  MOUTH. 

THERE  is  nothing  in  the  world  that  is  so  beautiful 
as  to  see  a  sporting  man,  one  who  loves  to  shoot  the 
wild  prairie  chicken  and  chase  the  bounding  duck 
over  the  plains,  have  a  respect  for  the  Sabbath  day. 
There  are  too  many  of  our  sporting  friends  who,  if 
they  are  out  for  a  week's  shooting,  forget  that  they 
should  lay  away  the  deadly  breech  loader  on  Sun 
day,  after  oiling  it,  and  busy  themselves  reading 
good  books,  or  loading  cartridges. 

However,  we  are  proud  to  number  among  our 
acquaintances  one  sporting  gentleman  who  would 


256  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

sooner  cut  a  dog  in  two  than  to  hunt  on  Sunday.  It 
is  related  of  him  that  on  one  occasion  while  in  camp 
in  a  deer  country,  that  his  hounds  got  after  a  buck 
one  Sunday  morning,  and  that  our  friend  was  so  in 
censed  at  the  dogs  that  he  seized  his  gun  and  shot 
one  of  the  dogs  dead,  besides  wounding  the  deer, 
and  that  he  had  to  follow  the  -deer  over  four  miles 
before  he  could  overtake  the  animal  and  put  it  out 
of  its  miseryc 

A  wicked  companion  said  that  he  shot  at  the  deer 
and  killed  the  dog  accidentally,  but  those  who  know 
Mr.  Van  Brunt  would  not  believe  the  story  for  a 
moment.  Not  long  since  this  gentleman  left  his 
home  at  Horicon  and  went  to  Owatonna,  Minn.,  for 
a  few  weeks'  hunt.  He  hunted  a  good  deal  in  town, 
and  became  somewhat  acquainted  with  the  fair  sex 
as  well  as  the  chickens  and  other  ducks  of  the 
prairies.  However,  Sunday  came,  and  while  the 
other  wretches  went  out  shooting  on  Sunday,  our 
friend  hied  himself  to  the  Sabbath  school.  His 
presence  was  observed  by  a  teacher,  and  he,  by  the 
way,  observed  her  presence,  and  being  a  stranger 
and  a  pious  looking  man,  she  invited  him  to  help 
her  teach  her  class.  He  accepted,  and  seated  beside 
the  fair  teacher,  he  chipped  in  an  occasional  remark 
to  the  class,  while  he  looked  into  the  soulful,  pious 
eyes  of  the  handsome  teacher.  She  introduced  him 
to  the  superintendent  as  a  pious  young  man  from 
Wisconsin,  and  the  superintendent  invited  him  to 
address  the  school. 

It  was  new  business  to  our  friend,  but  he  said  he 
never  had  anything  sawed  off  onto  him  unless  he 
stood  it  like  a  man,  so  he  got  up,  with  the  girl's  eyes 
on  him,  and  told  the  children  the  beautiful  story  of 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  257 

the  cross,  and  how  Samson  went  up  in  a  chariot  of 
fire,  and  Adam  was  found  in  the  bullrushes  by  a 
Sunday  school  teacher,  while  he  was  shooting  blue 
wing  teal,  and  how  Noah  and  Sat  Clark  built  an 
ark  and  coasted  abound  T"oricon  lake  and  landed  on 
Iron  Ridge  and  senx  ^ut  a  canvas-back  duck  to  see 
if  there  was  any  living  thing  thr  side  of  Schleisin- 
gerville,  and  how  th  duck  came  back  with  a  sprig 
of  wild  celery  in  its  bill  which  it  had  found  at  Lake 
Koshkonong. 

He  told  how  the  locusts  came  down  on  the  demo 
cratic  party  and  lected  Gar^ield,  and  counseled  the 
children  to  be  good  and  they  would  have  a  soft 
thing.  He  said  evil  communications  corrupted  two 
of  a  kind,  and  they  could  not  be  too  careful  with 
their  pennies,  and  advised  them  to  give  up  the  soul 
destroying  habit  of  buying  taffy,  and  try  and  lead  a 
different  life,  and  put  their  money  into  the  mis 
sionary  box,  where  the  wicked  cease  from  troubling, 
and  give  us  a  rest. 

He  would  have  gone  on  all  the  afternoon,  only 
the  superintendent  of  the  Sunday  school  told  the 
children  that  the  exercises  would  close  with  ''  Little 
Drops  of  Water,"  and  our  friend  sat  down  and 
wiped  the  perspiration  from  his  brow. 

The  teacher  said  that  his  words  had  opened  new 
beauties  to  her  in  the  Scriptures,  though  he  was  a 
little  off  on  some  of  his  statist^.  He  told  her,  by 
way  of  apology,  that  she  coul  n't  expect  much  re 
ligion  from  a  man  that  came  from  so  strong  a  demo 
cratic  county  as  Dodge  county.  This  may  be  all  a 
lie,  but  if  it  is,  we  got  it  from  one  of  the  best  liars 
of  the  State. 


258  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

A  WASHINGTON  SURPRISE  PARTY. 

WHEN  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hayes  returned  to  Washing 
ton  from  the  far  west  their  Ohio  friends  got  up  a 
surprise  party  for  them.  They  had  just  retired  for 
the  night,  rather  early  on  account  of  fatigue,  when 
the  door  bell  rung  violently.  Mr.  Hayes  put  on  his 
pants,  and  throwing  one  suspender  over  his  shoulder 
and  holding  on  to  it  with  his  hands,  he  went  to  the 
door  and  asked  who  was  there.  On  being  answered 
that  John  Sherman  was  there,  Mr.  Hayes  supposed 
there,  was  something  important,  and  he  opened  the 
door. 

Mr.  Sherman  came  in  with  a  market  basket  of 
sandwiches,  followed  by  about  a  hundred  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  loaded  down  with  articles  usually  taken 
to  surprise  parties.  Mr.  Hayes  was  taken  entirely 
by  surprise,  and  as  he  buttoned  his  trousers  and 
tucked  in  his  night  shirt  behind  he  said  he  hoped 
they  would  excuse  him  for  a  moment  till  he  went  up 
stairs  and  put  on  a  collar  and  some  stockings,  and 
called  Mrs.  Hayes,  who  was  in  bed. 

Matt  Carpenter  said  never  mind,  he  would  call 
Mrs.  Hayes,  and  he  gave  a  hop,  skip  and  jump  and 
went  up  stairs  three  at  a  time,  followed  by  Mr. 
Hayes,  who  was  shivering  from  the  contact  of  his 
bare  feet  with  the  oil  cloth  in  the  hall. 

"What  is  the  trouble,  Rutherford?"  said  Mrs. 
Hayes,  as  Mr.  Carpenter  rushed  into  the  room. 

"  Get  up  and  dress  yourself,  you  are  surrounded, 
and  escape  is  impossible." 

Mrs.  Hayes  screamed  as  she  saw  the  bold  bucca 
neer,  pulled  the  bed  clothes  aver  her  head  and  said, 
"We  are  lost." 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  259 

At  this  point  Hayes,  who  had  got  on  a  pair  of 
woolen  stockings,  and  was  buttoning  on  a  paper 
collar,  said:  "I  say,  Matt,  of  course  this  is  all  right, 
and  I  don't  want  you  to  be  offended,  but  won't  you 
just  step  out  into  the  hall  so  Mrs.  Hayes  can  get  her 
clothes  on." 

"  Why,  to  be  sure,"  said  Matt,  as  he  got  up  out  of 
a  rocking  chair,  on  which  there  were  three  skirts,  a 
red  petticoat,  an  emancipation  corset,  and  a  pair  of 
striped  stockings  with  long  suspenders  arranged  to 
button  on  the  waist,  "of  course  I  will  go  out,  but 
you  need  not  mind  me.  I  am  near  sighted." 

Matt  went  down  stairs  with  the  crowd,  and  when 
he  was  gone  Mrs.  Hayes  got  her  head  out  from  un 
der  the  clothes  and  wanted  to  know  what  the  trouble 
was,  and  if  they  could  not  fly. 

Hayes  told  her  not  to  be  alarmed,  as  it  was  only 
one  of  those  d — d  surprise  parties.  He  said  there 
were  two  hundred  hungry  people  down  stairs,  with 
baskets  of  sandwiches  and  pickles,  and  the  chances 
were  that  they  would  eat  up  everything  there  was 
in  the  house,  and  mash  crumbs  and  cold  tongue  into 
the  carpet. 

Mrs.  Hayes  got  up  and  sent  Rutherford  into  the 
linen  closet  after  a  clean  white  skirt,  and  he  re 
turned  with  a  night  gown  and  had  to  be  sent  back. 
While  she  was  taking  her  hair  down  out  of  the  curl 
papers,  and  putting  bandoline  over  her  ears,  she 
gave  Mr.  Hayes  her  opinion  of  surprise  parties.  She 
said  that  little  shrimp,  Alexander  Stephens,  would 
sit  on  the  piano  keys,  and  knock  his  boot  heels 
against  the  piano  case,  and  that  Dave  Davis  would 
fall  over  the  music  rack,  and  sit  down  in  her  best 
rocking  chair  and  break  it, 


260  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Just  then  she  touched  her  nose  with  a  curling  iron 
that  she  had  heated  in  a  gas  jet,  and  screamed  and 
woke  Mr.  Hayes  up,  and  he  wanted  to  know  what 
was  the  matter.  She  rolled  over  in  bed,  felt  of  her 
nose  to  see  if  it  was  there,  and 'told  Mr.  Hayes  she 
had  been  dreaming  there  was  a  surprise  party  came 
to  the  house. 

He  said:  "My  dear,  I  trust  there  is  no  such  fate 
in  store  for  us.  You  are  nervous.  Try  a  little  of 
that  crab  apple  cider,  and  lay  on  your  face,  and  see 
if  you  can't  go  to  sleep." 

THE  DIFFERENCE  IN  CLOTHES. 

THERE  is  something  about  the  practice  of  "practi 
cal  joking"  that  is  mighty  pleasant  and  enjoyable, 
if  the  joke  is  on  somebody  else.  It  was  about  six 
years  ago  that  we  quit'practical  joking,  and  the  rea 
son  was  that  the  boys  played  one  on  us  that  fairly 
broke  our  back.  We  had  always  been  full  of  it,  and 
an  opportunity  to  play  a  joke  on  a  friend  was  a  pic 
nic  for  us,  but  this  time  we  had  all  the  tuck  taken 
out  and  fairly  unraveled. 

A  party  consisting  of  Hogan,  Hatch,  Root,  Wood 
and  Webb  had  been  down  from  La  Crosse  to  the 
marshes  shooting  ducks  for  a  week.  We  had  pre 
pared  to  break  camp  and  take  the  train  to  Browns 
ville  at  2  o'clock,  from  which  we  took  a  little  steamer 
for  La  Crosse.  . 

We  were  out  shooting  and  did  not  get  to  camp 
until  everything  was  packed  up,  and  just  had  time 
to  catch  the  train  with  our  hunting  clothes  on.  The 
rest  of  the  fellows  had  been  in  camp  an  hour,  and 
had  put  on  their  good  clothes,  and  washed  up  and 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  261 

looked  like  gentlemen,  as  they  were,  while  we  looked 
like  a  tramp,  which  we  were  not.  All  got  on  the 
little  steamboat,  and  hugged  around  the  boiler  with 
the  other  passengers,  for  it  was  a  cold  night. 

We  felt  a  little  ashamed  of  the  old  hunting  clothes 
that  had  been  worn  so  many  years,  and  were  cov 
ered  with  blood  and  dirt,  but  there  was  no  chance  to 
change,  and  we  sat  down  with  the  boys.  Finally 
Root,  who  was  the  biggest  hector  in  the  world,  and 
a  fine  looking  gentleman,  turned  to  the  captain  of 
the  boat  and  said,  pointing  to  us: 

"  I  wish,  captain,  you  would  ask  this  red-headed 
muskrat  trapper  to  sit  on  the  other  side  of  me.  He 
smells  bad." 

If  lightning  had  struck  us  we  could  not  have  been 
more  astonished.  The  passengers  all  looked  at  the 
dirty  looking  "muskrat  trapper,"  and  stuck  up  their 
noses.  The  captain  asked  us  in  a  polite  manner  if 
we  would  not  please  move  and  get  on  the  "lee  side" 
of  the  passengers.  He  said  he  didn't  mean  any  of 
fence,  but  the  smell  of  muskrats  oftentimes  made 
people  sick. 

Well,  it  was  a  pretty  tight  fix,  but  we  forced  a 
laugh  and  looked  around  at  the  rest  of  the  boys  in  a 
familiar  way,  and  began  talking  to  them.  Not  a 
man  of  them  would  recognize  us.  The  captain 
turned  to  Hogan  and  said,  "Is  this  a  friend  of 
yours?"  Hogan  put  on  a  look  of  disgust,  and  said 
he  had  never  seen  us  before.  "However,"  says  Jim, 
"he  may  be  a  very  deserving  person  of  his  class." 

The  captain  said  we  had  better  go  to  the  other 
end  of  the  boiler  and  lay  down  with  the  dogs  where 
it  was  warm.  We  tried  to  pass  it  off  as  a  joke,  and 
turned  to  Hatch  and  tried  to  get  into  conversation 


263 

with  him  about  a  goose  he  had  killed  the  day  hefore, 
but  he  wouldn't  have  it.  He  said  we  could  get  the 
smell  out  of  our  clothes  by  burying  them,  and  then 
he  went  on  to  tell  how  he  shot  a  skunk  once,  and 
spoiled  a  suit  of  clothes. 

We  spoke  to  Colonel  Wood,  one  of  our  party,  as  a 
last  resort,  and  all  he  said  was  to  draw  in  his  breath 
with  a  "Whoosh,"  and  put  his  handkerchief  to  his 
nose.  We  never  felt  so  mean  in  the  world.  The 
whole  gang  had  combined  against  us,  and  we  got 
up  to  leave  them,  meditating  revenge,  when  Walt 
Webb  said,  "Let's  throw  the  cuss  overboard."  We 
went,  and  laid  down  on  the  valises,  and  tried  to 
think  of  some  way  to  get  even  with  the  boys,  when 
Root  told  the  captain  that  they  had  got  some  valu 
ables  in  those  valises,  and  they  didn't  want  any 
tramp  laying  down  on  them,  and  he  came  along  and 
actually  drove  us  off  of  our  own  valise. 

To  make  the  matter-still  worse,  a  homely  looking 
Norwegian  dog  that  we  had  borrowed  to  take  on  the 
hunt,  and  which  was  the  worst  looking  brute  that 
ever  was,  and  which  had  been  the  laughing  stock  of 
the  camp  for  a  week,  at  this  point  came  up  to  us, 
wagged  his  tail  and  followed  us,  and  the  boys  said, 
"Look  at  the  dog  the  muskrat  trapper  owns."  That 
was  the  worst  give  away. 

We  walked  around  on  deck,  and  would  occasion 
ally  stop  and  speak  to  one  of  the  boys,  hoping  they 
had  given  us  enough  and  would  relent,  but  all  the 
way  to  La  Crosse  not  one  of  them  would  speak  to 
us,  and  when  the  boat  arrived  at  the  landing  Root 
handed  us  a  quarter,  in  the  presence  of  the  passen 
gers,  and  asked  if  we  wouldn't  help  Mike  Doyle,  the 
cook,  carry  the  baggage  ashore. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  263 

It  was  the  worst  joke  we  ever  had  perpetrated  on 
us,  and  even  after  we  got  ashore,  and  Hatch  said, 
''Come,  old  sorrel  top,  let's  go  and  get  a  glass  of 
beer,"  we  could  hardly  smile.  Since  then  when  we 
go  hunting  we  wear  the  best  clothes  we  have  got. 

For  years  afterwards  when  fellows  were  joking, 
some  of  the  party  would  ask  us  "if  the  trapping  was 
good  this  season."  We  got  so  we  could  not  look  a 
muskrat  in  the  face.  So  we  say  that  practical  jok 
ing  is  splendid  if  it  is  on  the  other  fellow.  Always 
quit  when  they  get  it  on  to  you. 

A    TEMPERANCE    LECTURE    THAT    HURT. 

THERE  was  probably  the  most  astonished  temper 
ance  man  up  above  Stevens  Point  the  other  day  that 
ever  was.  The  name  of  the  temperance  man  is 
Sutherland. 

He  is  a  nice  gentleman,  but,  like  many  another 
man,  he  can  never  see  a  person  with  his  keg  full  of 
bug  juice  without  giving  him  a  talking  to. 

The  other  day  Sutherland  was  driving  along  the 
road  when  he  overtook  an  Indian  who  asked  for  a 
ride.  He  was  allowed  to  get  in  the  wagon,  when 
Sutherland  discovered  that  the  Indian  had  a  breath 
that  would  stop  a  temperance  clock.  «He  smelled 
like  a  sidewalk  in  front  of  a  wholesale-  liquor  store. 
The  Indian  was  comfortably  full,  so  full  that  his 
back  teeth  were  floating. 

Sutherland  thought  it  was  a  good  time  to  get  in 
his  work,  so  he  began  talking  to  the  Indian  about 
the  wickedness  of  looking  upon  the  whisky  when  it 
was  bay,  and  when  it  giveth  its  color  in  the  nose. 
He  told  the  Indian  of  the  wrecked  homes,  the  pov- 


266  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

tomato  cans,  but  the  next  generation  will. know  how 
to  do  it  scientifically,  and  not  hurt  the  cat. 

This  is  certainly  an  age  of  improvement,  and  the 
Sun  desires  that  school  children  shall  know  all  about 
the  anatomy  of  the  festive  dog  and  the  nocturnal 
cat,  if  they  don't  even  know  how  to  spell  their  own 
names. 

BBAVEBY  OF  MBS.  GAB-FIELD. 

THE  newspaper  correspondents  about  the  White 
House,  echoing  the  remarks  made  by  the  doctors, 
are  continually  talking  of  Mrs.  Garfield's  bravery, 
and  we  frequently  see  the  statement  made  that  she 
is  "the  bravest  woman  in  the  world,"  and  all  that. 
While  expressing  great  admiration  for  the  gifted 
lady,  in  the  trying  ordeal  through  which  she  has 
passed,  and  admitting  that  she  is  brave  as  an  Am 
erican  woman  ought  to  be,  and  that  by  her  conduct 
she  greatly  braced  up  her  beloved  husband  when 
his  liver  was  knocked  around  into  the  small  of  his 
back  by  the  assassin's  bullet,  and  he  didn't  know 
whether  he  was  going  to  live  till  morning,  we  must 
say  that  Mrs.  Garfield  is  no  braver  than  thousands 
of  other  good  women. 

She  simply  took  the  chances  on  his  dying,  as 
thousands  of  other  wives  do  every  day,  and  for  his 
good  she  put  on  the  best  face  possible,  and  kept  her 
tears  back.  But  how  many  obscure  women  have 
done  the  same  thing,  as  they  sat  by  the  side  of  their 
dying  husbands,  and  made  the  patient  believe  that 
he  was  getting  better,  a.nd  smiled  while  their  hearts 
were  breaking?  Was  Mrs.  Garfield  braver  than 
the  sister  of  charity,  God  bless  her,  who  goes  from 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  26? 

the  North  to  nurse  total  strangers  in  a  stricken 
southern  city,  when  she  knows  that  within  a  week 
the  deadly  fever  will  kill  her? 

Compare  the  President's  wife  for  a  moment  with 
the  wife  of  a  drunken  husband,  who  points  a  re^ 
volver  at  her  heart,  and  his  nervous  finger  on  the 
trigger,  while  he  announces  that  he  will  kill  her. 
The  wife  looks  him  in  the  eye  and  says,  "Kill  me, 
John,  but  kiss  me  first,"  and  the  drunken  brute 
breaks  down  and  cries,  and  sjie  takes  the  revolver 
from  him,  puts  him  to  bed,  soaks  his  feet  and  brings 
him  a  good  supper.  That  is  bravery. 

Think  of  a  frail  little  woman  whose  life  has  been 
one  bed  of  thorns,  and  whose  happy  hours  have 
been  so  few  that  if  an  hour  seems  to  open  to  her 
with  happiness  she  dare  not  enjoy  it  for  fear  there 
is  a  mistake,  and  it  is  not  hers  to  enjoy.  In  the 
wreck  of  her  life's  ambitions  and  hopes  she  has 
saved  only  a  dear  little  girl  and  her  heart  is  so  bound 
up  in  her  that  it  ceases  to  beat  when  she  thinks  that 
God  may  forget  that  the  little  one  is  all  she  has, 
and  call  her  home. 

One  day  the  little  one  comes  home  with  fever, 
takes  to  her  bed,  and  for  weeks  is  just  on  the  line 
between  earth  and  heaven.  The  little  mother, 
hardly  able  to  be  upon  her  feet,  believes  as  firmly 
as  she  believes  that  she  lives,  that  her  darling  will 
die,  and  that  two  hearts  will  be  buried  in  the  coffin, 
;  <id  yet  she  watches  beside  her  night  and  day  with 
smiles  on  her  face,  sings  to  her  as  though  her  heart 
were  filled  with  happiness,  and  occasionally  gives 
expression  to  a  jolly  laugh,  just  to  brace  up  her 
little  darling,  and  make  her  believe  there  is  no 
danger,  and  when  the  doctor  says  "she  will  live," 


268  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

the  brave  little  mother  goes  to  her  room  and  cries 
for  the  first  time,  and  faints  away. 

Ah,  gentlemen  correspondents,  you  do  well  to 
speak  of  the  bravery  of  the  President's  wife,  but 
you  know  that  these  incidents  we  have  related,  and 
incidents  you  have  seen  in  your  own  experiences, 
show  as  great,  if  not  greater  bravery  and  heroism 
than  that  of  the  first  woman  of  the  land.  O,  the 
country  is  full  of  women  who  are  braver  than  the 
bravest  man  that  ever  walked. 

ILLUSTRATING    THE    ASSASSINATION. 

IT  is  singular  how  a  great  calamity  like  the  at 
tempted  assassination  of  the  President  will  bring 
people  together  on  terms  of  familiarity,  and  cause 
them  to  discuss  things  that  they  never  knew  any 
thing  about  before.  People  who  never  thought  of 
such  things  before,  except  during  the  cucumber  sea 
son,  have  become  familiar  with  their  livers  and  in 
ternal  improvements,  and  talk  as  glibly  of  the  ab 
domen,  the  umbilicus— as  well  as  the  cuss  who  shot 
him — the  peritonitis,  the  colon,  the  ilium,  the  di 
aphragm,  the  alacambumbletop  and  the  diaphane- 
ous  cholagogue  as  though  they  had  been  attending 
a  Chicago  meat  cutting  match  at  a  students'  dissect 
ing  room.  Men  talk  of  little  else,  and  this  is  notice 
able  more  particularly  among  men  who  have  noth 
ing  to  do. 

There  were  two  old  men  who  loaf  a  good  deal 
around  a  grocery,  discussing  the  wound  of  the 
President,  and  one  was  trying  to  illustrate  to  the 
other  how  it  was.  He  put  on  his  glasses  and  took 
up  a  butter  tryer  and  walked  up  to  a  lady  customer 


DECK'S  SUNSHINE.  260 

who  was  leaning  over  the  counter  smelling  of  some 
boarding-house  prunes.  She  was  a  large  lady,  and 
perhaps  as  good  a  subject  as  could  have  been  found. 
The  first  old  man  called  the  other  up  behind  the 
woman,  and  said: 

"There,  the  assassin  stood  about  as  you  do,  and 
looked,  probably,  the  same  as  you  do.  Now,  you 
take  this  spigot  and  point  to  the  woman,  about 
here — "  and  he  put  the  butter  tryer  on  her  back, 
near  the  belt. 

"  Yes,  I  see,"  said  the  second  old  man,  as  he  nib 
bled  a  piece  off  a  soda  cracker,  and  pointed  the 
wooden  spigot  at  the  woman,  with  his  finger  on  the 
trigger.  The  woman  was  busy  looking  to  see  if 
there  were  any  worms  in  the  prunes,  and  she  didn't 
notice  what  was  going  on. 

"There,"  said  the  first  old  man,  as  he  pushed  the 
end  of  the  butter  tryer  a  little  harder  against  the 
woman.  "The  bullet  went  in  here,  and  went 
around  here  close  to  the  liver,  though  probably  it 
didn't  touch  the  liver,  passed  through  the  thin  mem 
brane,  and  is  probably  lodged  in  here,"  and  he 
reached  around  the  woman  with  his  left  hand  to 
where  her  apron  was  tied  on.  "  Now,  if  they  can 
not  extract  the  ball  the  great  danger  is  from  peri 
tonitis— 
At  this  point  the  woman  observed  what  was  going 
on,  and  she  was  about  as  mad  as  a  woman  can  be. 
Seizing  a  codfish  that  was  on  the  head  of  a  sugar 
barrel  'by  the  tail  she  whacked  the  first  old  gent, 
who  held  the  butter  tryer,  over  the  head,  and 
said  : 

"  Peritonitis    is    beginning  to   set   in,   you   bald- 
headed  old  villain,  and  general  prostration  will  be 


268  DECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

the  brave  little  mother  goes  to  her  room  and  cries 
for  the  first  time,  and  faints  away. 

Ah,  gentlemen  correspondents,  you  do  well  to 
speak  of  the  bravery  of  the  President's  wife,  but 
you  know  that  these  incidents  we  have  related,  and 
incidents  you  have  seen  in  your  own  experiences, 
show  as  great,  if  not  greater  bravery  and  heroism 
than  that  of  the  first  woman  of  the  land.  O,  the 
country  is  full  of  women  who  are  hraver  than  the 
bravest  man  that  ever  walked. 

ILLUSTRATING    THE    ASSASSINATION. 

IT  is  singular  how  a  great  calamity  like  the  at 
tempted  assassination  of  the  President  will  bring 
people  together  on  terms  of  familiarity,  and  cause 
them  to  discuss  things  that  they  never  knew  any 
thing  about  before.  People  who  never  thought  of 
such  things  before,  except  during  the  cucumber  sea 
son,  have  become  familiar  with  their  livers  and  in 
ternal  improvements,  and  talk  as  glibly  of  the  ab 
domen,  the  umbilicus — as  well  as  the  cuss  who  shot 
him — the  peritonitis,  the  colon,  the  ilium,  the  di 
aphragm,  the  alacambumbletop  and  the  diaphane- 
ous  cholagogue  as  though  they  had  been  attending 
a  Chicago  meat  cutting  match  at  a  students'  dissect 
ing  room.  Men  talk  of  little  else,  and  this  is  notice 
able  more  particularly  among  men  who  have  noth 
ing  to  do. 

There  were  two  old  men  who  loaf  a  good  deal 
around  a  grocery,  discussing  the  wound  of  the 
President,  and  one  was  trying  to  illustrate  to  the 
other  how  it  was.  He  put  on  his  glasses  and  took 
up  a  butter  tryer  and  walked  up  to  a  lady  customer 


DECK'S  SUNSHINE.  260 

who  was  leaning  over  the  counter  smelling  of  some 
boarding-house  prunes.  She  was  a  large  lady,  and 
perhaps  as  good  a  subject  as  could  have  been  found. 
The  first  old  man  called  the  other  up  behind  the 
woman,  and  said: 

"There,  the  assassin  stood  about  as  you  do,  and 
looked,  probably,  the  same  as  you  do.  Now,  you 
take  this  spigot  and  point  to  the  woman,  about 
here — "  and  he  put  the  butter  tryer  on  her  back, 
near  the  belt. 

"  Yes,  I  see,"  said  the  second  old  man,  as  he  nib 
bled  a  piece  off  a  soda  cracker,  and  pointed  the 
wooden  spigot  at  the  woman,  with  his  finger  on  the 
trigger.  The  woman  was  busy  looking  to  see  if 
there  were  any  worms  in  the  prunes,  and  she  didn't 
notice  what  was  going  on. 

'""There,"  said  the  first  old  man,  as  he  pushed  the 
end  of  the  butter  tryer  a  little  harder  against  the 
woman.  "The  bullet  went  in  here,  and  went 
around  here  close  to  the  liver,  though  probably  it 
didn't  touch  the  liver,  passed  through  the  thin  mem 
brane,  and  is  probably  lodged  in  here,"  and  he 
reached  around  the  woman  with  his  left  hand  to 
where  her  apron  was  tied  on.  "  Now,  if  they  can 
not  extract  the  ball  the  great  danger  is  from  peri 
tonitis—" 

At  this  point  the  woman  observed  what  was  going 
on,  and  she  was  about  as  mad  as  a  woman  can  be. 
Seizing  a  codfish  that  was  on  the  head  of  a  sugar 
barrel  'by  the  tail  she  whacked  the  first  old  gent, 
who  held  the  butter  tryer,  over  the  head,  and 
said  : 

"  Peritonitis  is  beginning  to  set  in,  you  bald- 
headed  old  villain,  and  general  prostration  will  be 


270  DECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

the  result.  I  will  teach  you  to  put  your  arm  around 
me.  I  am  no  manikin.  Do  you  take  me  for  a  dis 
secting  room?  Put  down  that  gun,  you  idiot,"  said 
.  she,  as  she  wafted  the  codfish  toward  the  second 
old  man,  who  still  held  up  the  spigot. 

The  grocery  man,  who  was  cutting  a  cheese,  came 
around  the  counter  with  the  cheese  knife  in  his 
hand,  and  said  he  hoped  there  would  be  no  more 
bloodshed,  and  asked  the  old  man  to  put  down  the 
butter  tryer  and  go  out.  The  two  old  men  went  out 
on  the  sidewalk,  when  the  woman  told  the  grocery 
man  that  no  woman  was  safe  a  moment  when  those 
old  reprobates  were  allowed  to  run  at  large,  and 
when  she  got  so  low  down  as  to  allow  people  to 
practice  assassination  on  her  with  wooden  faucets 
and  butter  tryers  she  would  join  a  circus.  When 
the  two  old  men  got  out  on  the  walk  the  second  one 
said  to  the  first : 

"  Didn't  you  know  the  woman  ?" 

"  Know  her  ?  No.  I  didn't  think  it  was  necessary 
for  a  formal  introduction  in  a  trying  time  like  this, 
when  we  all  want  all  the  information  we  can  get 
about  the  great  tragedy.  There  is  no  accommoda 
tion  about  some  people.  But  she  has  gone  out  now, 
so  let  us  carry  back  the  spigot  and  butter  tryer,  and 
may  be  the  grocery  man  will  treat  to  the  cider." 

And  the  two  old  setters  went  in  and  sat  down  on 
the  barrels  and  talked  about  how  they  had  known 
people  along  in  1837  to  be  shot  all  to  pieces  and  re 
cover. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  271 

THE  INFIDEL  AND  HIS  SILVER  MINE. 

IT  is  announced  in  the  papers  that  Colonel  Inger- 
soll,  the  dollar  a  ticket  infidel,  has  struck  it  rich  in 
a  silver  mine,  and  is  now  worth  a  million  dollars. 
Here  is  another  evidence  of  the  goodness  of  God. 
Ingersell  has  treated  God  with  the  greatest  con 
tempt,  called  Him  all  the  names  he  could  think  of, 
called  Him  a  liar,  a  heartless  wretch,  and  stood  on 
a  stump  and  dared  God  to  knock  a  chip  off  his 
shoulder,  and  instead  of  God's  letting  him  have  one 
below  the  belt  and  knocking  seven  kinds  of  cold  vic 
tuals  out  of  him,  God  gives  him  a  pointer  on  a  silver 
mine,  and  the  infidel  rakes  in  a  cool  million,  and 
laughs  in  his  sleeve,  while  thousands  of  poor  work 
ers  in  the  vineyard  are  depending  for  a  livelihood 
on  collections  that  pan  out  more  gun  wads  and  brass 
pants  buttons  to  tbe  ton  of  ore  than  they  do.  silver. 

This  may  be  all  right,  and  we  hope  it  is,  and  we 
don't  want  to  give  any  advice  on  anybody  else's 
business,  but  it  would  please  Christians  a  good  deal 
better  to  see  that  bold  man  taken  by  the  slack  of  the 
pants  and  lifted  into  a  poor  house,  while  the  silver 
lie  has  had  fall  to  him  was  distributed  among  the 
charitable  societies,  mission  schools  and  churches, 
so  a  minister  could  get  his  salary  and  buy  a  new 
pair  of  trousers  to  replace  those  that  he  has  worn  the 
knees  out  of  kneeling  down  on  the  rough  floor  to 
pray. 

It  is  mighty  poor  consolation  to  the  ladies  of  a 
church  society,  to  give  sociables,  ice  creameries, 
strawberry  festivals  and  all  kinds  of  things  to  raise 
money  to  buy  a  carpet  for  a  church  or  lecture  room, 
and  wash  their  own  dishes,  and  then  hear  that  some 


272      • 

infidel  who  is  around  the  country  calling  God  a 
pirate  and  a  horse  thief,  at  a  dollar  a  head,  to  full 
houses,  has  miraculously  struck  a  million  dollar  sil 
ver  mine. 

To  the  toiling  minister  who  prays  without  ceas 
ing,  and  eats  codfish  and  buys  clothes  at  a  second 
hand  store,  it  looks  pretty  rough  to  see  Bob  Inger- 
soll  steered  onto  a  million  dollar  silver  mine.  But  it 
may  be  all  right,  and  we  presume  it  is.  Maybe  God 
has  got  the  hook  in  Bob's  mouth,  and  is  letting  him 
play  around  the  way  a  fisherman  does  a  black  bass, 
and  when  he  thinks  he  is  running  the  whole  busi 
ness,  and  flops  around  and  scares  the  other  fish,  it 
is  possible  Bob  may  be  reeled  in,  and  he  will  find 
himself  on  the  bottom  of  the  boat  w^ith  a  finger  and 
thumb  in  his  gills  and  a  big  boot  on  his  paunch, 
and  he  will  be  compelled  to  disgorge  the  hook  and 
the  bait  and  all,  and  he  will  lay  there  and  try  to  flop 
out  of  the  boat,  and  wonder  what  kind  of  a  game 
this  is  that  is  being  played  on  him. 

Everything  turns  out  right  some  time,  and  from 
what  we  have  heard  of  God,  off  and  on,  we  don't  be 
lieve  He  is  going  to  let  no  ordinary  man,  bald  head 
ed  and  apoplectic,  carry  off  all  the  persimmons,  and 
put  his  fingers  to  his  nose  and  dare  the  ruler  of  the 
universe  to  tread  on  the  tail  of  his  coat. 

Bob  Ingersoll  has  got  the  bulge  on  all  the  Chris 
tians  now,  and  draws  more  water  than  anybody, 
but  He  who  notes  the  sparrow's  fall  has  no  doubt 
got  an  eye  on  the  fat  rascal,  and. some  day  will  close 
two  or  three  fingers  around  Bob's  throat,  when  his 
eyes  will  stick  out  so  you  can  hang  your  hat  on 
them,  and  he  will  blat  like  a  calf  and  get  down  on 
his  knees  and  say: 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  273 

"  Please,  Mr.  God,  don't  choke  so,  and  I  will  give 
it  all  back  and  go  around  and  tell  the  boys  that  I 
am  the  almightiest  liar  that  ever  charged-a  dollar  a 
head  to  listen  to  the  escaping  wind  from  a  blown  up 
bladder.  O,  good  God,  don't  hurt  so.  My  neck  is  all 
chafed." 

And  then  he  will  die,  and  God  will  continue  busi 
ness  at  the  old  stand. 

THE  GREAT  MONOPOLIES. 

THERE  is  an  association  of  old  fossils  at  New  York 
calling  themselves  the  "  Anti-Monopoly  League," 
that  has  taken  the  job  on  their  hands  of  saving  the 
country  from  eternal  and  everlasting  ruin  at  the 
hands  of  the  gigantic  monopolies,  the  railroads,  and 
this  league,  through  its  President,  L.  E.  Chittenden, 
is  sending  editorials  and  extracts  from  speeches  de  • 
livered  by  great  men  who  have  been  refused  passes, 
or  who  have  not  been  retained  by  railroads  to  con 
duct  law  suits  as  much  as  they  think  they  ought  to 
be,  to  newspapers  all  over  the  country  requesting 
their  publication. 

The  Sun  gets  its  regular  share  of  these  documents 
each  week,  which  go  into  the  waste  basket  with  a 
regularity  that  is  truly  remarkable,  considering  that 
we  are  not  a  railroad  monopoly.  But  there  is  some 
thing  so  ridiculous  about  these  articles  that  one  can 
not  help  laughing.  They  claim  that  the  country  is 
in  the  grasp  of  the  gigantic  monopolies,  and  t'nat 
they  will  choke  the  country  to  death  and  ruin  every 
body,  though  what  the  object  can  be  in  running  the 
country  and  everybody  in  it,  is  not  stated. 


274  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

These  monopolies  have  taken  the  country  when  it 
was  as  weak  as  gruel,  and  hoisted  it  by  the  slack 
of  the  pants  to  the  leading  position  among  nations. 
The  monopolies  have  built  their  track  all  over  God's 
creation,  where  land  could  not  be  given  away,  have 
hauled  emigrants  out  there  and  set  them  up  in  busi 
ness,  and  made  the  waste  land  of  the  government 
valuable.  They  have  made  transportation  so  cheap 
that  the  emigrant  from  Germany  of  last  year  can 
send  wheat  from  Dakota  to  the  Fatherland,  and 
Bismarck  and  King  William  can  get  it  cheaper  than 
they  can  wheat  grown  within  a  mile  of  their  castles. 

These  monopolies  that  the  played  out  nine-spot 
anti-monopoly  leagues  are  howling  against  have 
made  the  country  what  it  is,  and  if  there  is  anybody 
in  this  country  that  don't  like  it,  they  can  get  emi 
grant  tickets  and  go  to  Germany  or  Norway  and 
take  the  places-t)f  the  men  that  the  monopolies  aro 
causing  to  settle  here.  Of  course  we  could  all  run 
railroads  better  than  the  owners  run  them,  but  as 
long  as  we  have  not  got  money  enough  to  buy  them 
we  better  shut  up  our  yap  and  let  Jay  Gould  and 
his  fellows  do  what  they  please  with  their  own,  as 
long  as  they  permit  the  country  to  prosper  as  it  is 
prospering  now.  The  anti-monopoly  leaguers  had 
better  go  to  driving  street  cars. 

ANOTHER  DEAD  FAILURE. 

*  AGAIN  we  are  called  upon  to  apologize  to  our 
readers  for  advertising  what  we  had  reason  to  ex 
pect  would  occur  at  the  time  advertised,  but  which 
failed  to  show  up.  We  aflude  to  the  end  of  the 
world  which  was  to  have  taken  place  last  Sunday. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  275 

It  is  with  humility  that  we  confess  that  we  were 
again  misled  into  believing  that  the  long  postponed 
event  would  take  place,  and  with  others  we  got  our 
things  together  that  we  intended  to  take  along,  only 
to  be  compelled  to  unpack  them  Monday  morning. 

Now  this  thing  is  played  out,  and  the  next  time 
any  party  advertises  that  the  world  will  come  to  an 
end,  we  shall  take  no  stock  in  it.  And  then  it  will 
be  just  our  luck  to  have  the  thing  come  to  an  end, 
when  we  are  not  prepared.  There  is  the  worst  sort 
of  mismanagement  about  this  business  somewhere, 
and  we  are  not  sure  but  it  is  best  to  allow  God  to  go 
ahead  and  attend  to  the  closing  up  of  earthly  affairs, 
and  give  these  fellows  that  figure  out  the  end  of  all 
things  with  a  slate  and  pencil  the  grand  bounce. 

It  is  a  dead  loss  to  this  country  of  millions  of  dol 
lars  every  time  there  is  a  prediction  chat  the  world 
will  come  to  an  end,  because  there  are  lots  of  men 
who  quit  business  weeks  beforehand  and  do  not  try 
to  earn  a  living,  but  go  lunching  around.  We  lost 
over  fifteen  dollars'  worth  of  advertising  last  week 
from  people  who  thought  if  the  thing  was  going  up 
the  flue  on  Sunday  there  was  no  use  of  advertising 
any  more,  and  we  refused  twenty  dollars'  worth 
more  because  we  thought  if  that  was  the  last  paper 
we  were  going  to  get  out  we  might  as  well  knock 
off  work  Friday  and  Saturday  and  go  and  catch  a 
string  of  perch.  The  people  have  been  fooled  about 
this  thing  enough,  and  the  first  man  that  comes 
around  with  any  more  predictions  ought  to  be 
arrested. 

People  have  got  enough  to  worry  about,  paying 
taxes,  and  buying  strawberries  and  sugar,  to  can, 
without  feeling  that  if  they  get  a  tax  receipt  the 


276  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

money  will  be  a  dead  loss,  or  if  they  put  up  a  cellar 
full  of  canned  fruit  the  world  will  tip  over  on  it  and 
break  every  jar  and  bust  every  tin  can. 

Hereafter  we  propose  to  go  right  along  as  though 
the  world  was  going  to  stay  right  side  up,  have  our 
hair  cut,  and  try  and  behave,  and  then  if  old  mother 
earth  shoots  off  into  space  without  any  warning  we 
will  take  our  chances  with  the  rest  in  catching  on 
to  the  corner  of  some  passing  star  and  throw  our 
leg  over  and  get  acquainted  with  the  people  there, 
and  maybe  start  a  funny  paper  and  split  the  star 
wide  open. 

OUR   BLUE-COATED    DOG    POISONERS. 

"  PAPA,  the  cruel  policeman  has  murdered  little 
Gip!  He  sneaked  up  and  fro  wed  a  nice  piece  of 
meat  to  Gip,  and  Gip  he  eated  it,  and  fanked  the 
policeman  with  his  tail,  and  runned  after  him  and 
teased  for  more,  but  the  policeman  fought  Gip  had 
enough,  and  then  Gip  stopped  and  looked  sorry  he 
had  eaten  it,  and  pretty  soon  he  laid  down  and 
died,  and  the  policeman  laughed  and  went  off -feel 
ing  good.  If  Dan  Sheehan  was  the  policeman  any 
more  he  wouldn't  poison  my  dog,  would  he,  pa?" 

The  above  was  the  greeting  the  bald-headed  Sun 
man  received  on  Thursday,  and  a  pair  of  four-year- 
old  brown  eyes  were  full  enough  of  tears  to  break 
the  heart  of  a  policeman  of  many  years'  standing, 
and  the  little,  crushed  master  of  the  dead  King 
Charles  spaniel  went  to  sleep  sobbing  and  believing 
that  policemen  were  the  greatest  blot  upon  the 
civilization  of  the  nineteenth  century. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  27? 

Here  was  a  little  fellow  that  had  from  the  day  he 
first  stood  on  his  feet  after  the  scarlet  fever  had  left 
him  alive,  been  allowing  his  heart  to  become  en 
twined  with  love  for  that  poor  little  dog.  For  nearly 
a  year  the  dog  had  been  ready  to  play  with  the 
child  when  everybody  else  was  tired  out,  and  never 
once  had  the  dog  been  cross  or  backed  out  of  a 
romp,  and  the  laughter  and  the  barking  has  many 
a  time  been  the  only  sound  of  happiness  in  the 
neighborhood. 

If  the  boy  slept  too  long  after  dinner,  the  dog, 
went  and  rooted  around  him  as  much  as  to  say, 
"Look  a  here,  Mr.  Roy,  you  can't  play  this  on  your 
partner  any  longer.  You  get  up  here  and  we  will 
have  a  high  old  time,  and  don't  you  forget  it."  And 
pretty  soon  the  sound  of  baby  feet  and  dog's  toe 
nails  would  be  heard  on  the  stairs,  and  the  circus 
would  commence. 

If  the  dog  slept  too  long  of  an  afternoon,  the  boy 
would  hunt  him  out,  take  hold  of  his  tail  with  one 
hand,  and  an  ear  with  the  other,  and  lug  him  into 
the  parlor,  saying,  "Gip,  too  much  sleep  is  what  is 
ruining  the  dogs  in  this  country.  Now,  brace  up 
and  play  horse  with  me."  And  then  there  was  fun. 

Well,  it  is  all  over;  but  while  we  write  there  is  a 
little  fellow  sleeping  on  a  tear-stained  pillow, 
dreaming,  perhaps,  of  a  heaven  where  the  woods 
are  full  of  King  Charles'  spaniel  dogs,  and  a  door 
keeper  stands  with  a  club  to  keep  out  policemen. 
And  still  we  cannot  blame  policemen— it  is  the  law 
that  is  to  blame — the  wise  men  who  go  to  the  legis 
lature,  and  make  months  with  one  day  too  much, 
pass  laws  that  a  dog  shall  be  muzzled  and  wear  a 
brass  check,  or  he  is  liable  to  go  mad.  Statistics 


278  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

show  that  not  one  dog  in  a  million  ever  goes  mad, 
and  that  they  are  more  liable  to  go  mad  in  winter 
than  in  summer;  but  several  hundred  years  ago 
somebody  said  that  summer  was  "dog  days,"  and 
the  law-makers  of  this  enlightened  nineteenth  cen 
tury  still  insist  on  a  wire  muzzle  at  a  season  of  the 
year  when  a  dog  wants  air  and  water,  and  wants 
his  tongue  out. 

So  we  compel  our  guardians  of  the  peace  to  go 
around  assassinating  dogs.  Men,  who  as  citizens, 
would  cut  Their  hands  off  before  they  would  injure 
a  neighbor's  property,  or  speak  harsh  to  his  dog, 
when  they  hire  out  to  the  city  must  stifle  all  feel 
ings  of  humanity,  and  descend  to  the  level  of  Paris 
scavengers.  We  compel  them  to  do  this.  If  they 
would  get  on  their  ears  and  say  to  the  city  of  Mil 
waukee,  "We  will  guard  your  city,  and  protect  you 
from  insult,  and  die  for  you  if  it  becomes  necessary; 
but  we  will  see  you  in  hades  before  we  will  go 
around  assassinating  dogs,"  we  as  a  people,  would 
think  more  of  them,  and  perhaps  build  them  a 
decent  station  house  to  rest  in. 

The  dog  law  is  as  foolish  as  the  anti-treating  law, 
and  if  it  were  not  enforced,  no  harm  would  be  done. 
Our  legislators  have  to  pass  about  so  many  laws 
anyway,  and  we  should  use  our  judgment  about 
enforcing  them. 

But  the  dog  is  dead,  and  the  little  man  meditates 
a  terrible  revenge.  He  is  going  to  have  a  goat  that 
can  whip  a  policeman,  he  says;  then  there  will  be 
fun  around  the  parsonage. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  279 

AND    HE    HOSE    UP    AND    SPAKE. 

As  A  general  thing  railroad  men  are  "  pretty  fly," 
as  the  saying  is,  and  not  very  apt  to  be  scared.  But 
a  case  occurred  up  on  the  La  Crosse  division  of  the 
•St.  Paul  road  last  week  that  caused  a  good  deal  of 
hair  to  stand. 

The  train  from  St.  Paul  east  runs  to  La  Crosse, 
where  all  hands  are  changed,  and  the  hew  gang  run 
to  Chicago.  On  the  trip  of  which  we  speak  there 
was  placed  in  the  baggage  car  at  St.  Pa^ul  a  coffin, 
and  at  Lake  City  a  parrot  in  a  cage  was  put  in.  Be 
fore  the  train  got  to  Winona  other  baggage  was 
piled  on  top,  so  the  coffin  only  showed  one  end,  and 
the  parrot  cage  was  behind  a  trunk,  next  to  the  bar 
rel  of  drinking  water,  out  of  sight,  and  where  the 
cage  would  not  get  jammed.  At  La  Crosse  the 
hands  were  changed,  and  conductor  Fred  Comes,  as 
6:35  arrived,  shouted  his  cheery  "All  aboard,"  and 
the  train  moved  off.  The  coffin  was  seen  by  all  the 
men  in  the  baggage  car,  and  a  solemnity  took  posses 
sion  of  everybody.  Railroad  men  never  feel  en 
tirely  happy  when  a  corpse  is  on  the  train. 

The  run  to  Sparta  was  made, and  Fred  went  to  the 
baggage  car,  and  noticing  the  coffin  and  the  mourn 
ful  appearance  of  the  boys,  he  told  them  to  brace  up 
and  have  some  style  about  them  He  said  it  was 
what  we  had  all  to  come  to,  sooner  or  later,  and  for 
his  part  a  corpse  or  two,  more  or  less,  in  a  car  made 
no  difference  to  him.  He  said  he  had  rather  have  a 
car  load  of  dead  people  than  go  into  an  emigrant 
train  when  some  were  eating  cheese  and  others  were 
taking  off  their  shoes  and  feeding  infants. 


280  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

He  sat  down  in  a  chair  and  was  counting  over  his 
tickets,  and  wondering  where  all  the  passes  come 
from,  when  the  Legislature  is  not  in  session.  The 
train  was  just  going  through  the  tunnel  near  Green 
field,  and  Fred  says  . 

"Boys,  we  are  now  in  the  bowels  of  the  earth, 
v/ay  down  deeper  than  a  grave.  Whew  !  how  close 
it  smells." 

Just  then  the  baggagemaster  had  taken  a  dipper 
of  water  from  the  barrel,  and  was  drinking  it,  when 
a  sepulchral  voice,  that  seemed  to  come  from  the 
coffin,  said:  , 

"  Dammit,  let  me  out !" 

The  baggage  man  had  his  mouth  full  of  water, 
and,  when  he  -heard  the  voice  from  the  tombs,  he 
squirted  the  water  clear  across  the  car,  onto  the  ex 
press  messenger,  turned  pale,  and  leaned  against  a 
trunk. 

Fred  Cornes  heard  the  noise,  and,  chucking  the 
tickets  into  his  pocket  and  grabbing  his  lantern,  he 
said,  as  he  looked  at  the  coffin  : 

"  Who  said  that !  Now,  no  ventriloquism  on  me, 
boys.  I'm  an  old  traveler,  and  don't  you  fool  with 
me." 

The  baggage  man  had  by  this  time  got  his  breath, 
and  he  swore  upon  his  sacred  honor  that  the  corpse 
i:i  there  was  alive,  and  asked  to  be  let  out. 

Fred  went  out  of  the  car  to  register  at  Greenfield, 
and  the  express  messenger  opened  the  door  to  put 
out  some  egg  cases,  and  the  baggage  man  pulled  out 
a  trunk.  He  was  so  weak  he  couldn't  lift  it.  They 
were  all  as  pale  as  a  whitewashed  fence. 

After  the  train  left  Greenfield  they  all  gathered 
in  the  car  and  listened  at  a  respectful  distance  from 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  381 

the  coffin.  All  was  as  still  as'a  car  can  be  that  is 
running  twenty-five  miles  an  hour.  They  gathered 
a  little  nearer,  but  no  noise,  when  Cornes  said  they 
were  all  off  their  kbase,  and  had  better  soak  their 
heads. 

"You  fellows  are  overworked,  and  are  nervous. 
The  company  ought  to  give  you  a  furlough,  and  pay 
your  expenses  to  the  sea  shore." 

Just  then  there  was  a  rustling  as  if  somebody  had 
rolled  over  in  bed  and  a  voice  said,  as  plainly  as 
possible  : 

"O,  how  I  suffer!" 

If  a  mtro-glycerine  bomb  had  exploded  there 
could  not  have  been  more  commotion.  The  express 
man  rushed  forward,  and  was  going  to  climb  over 
into  the  tender  of  the  engine,  the  baggage  man 
started  for  the  emigrant  car  to  see  if  there  was  any 
body  from  the  place  in  Germany  that  his  hired  girl 
came  from,  and  Cornes  happened  to  think  that  he 
had  not  collected  fare  from  an.  Indian  that  got  on  at 
Greenfield  with  a  lot  of  muskrat  skins.  In  less  than 
four  seconds  the  corpse  and  parrot  were  the  sole 
occupants  of  the  car.  The  three  train,  men  and  a 
brakeman  met  in  the  emigrant  car  and  looked  at 
each  other. 

They  never  said  a  word  for  about  two  minutes, 
when  Fred  opened  the  ball.  He  said  there  was  no 
use  of  being  scared,  if  the  man  was  dead  he  was 
not  dangerous,  and  if  he  was  alive  the  four  of  them 
could  whip  him,  if  he  undertook  to  run  things. 
What  they  were  in  duty  bound  to  do  was  to  let  him 
out.  No  man  could  enjoy  life  screwed  down  in  a 
sarcophagus  like  that. 


283  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

"Now,"  says  Cornes,  "there  is  a  doctor  from 
Milwaukee  in  the  sleeper.  I  will  go  and  ask  him  to 
come  in  the  baggage  car,  and  you  fellows  go  in  and 
pull  the  trunks  off  that  coffin,  and  we  will  take  a 
screw  driver  and  a  can-opener  and  give  the  man 
air.  That's  doing  as  a  fellow  would  be  done  by." 

So  he  went  and  got  the  doctor  and  told  him  he  had 
got  a  case  for  him.  He  wanted  him  to  practice  on 
a  dead  man.  The  doctor  put  on  his  pants  and  over 
coat,  and  went  with  Fred.  As  they  came  into  the 
baggage  car  the  boys  were  lifting  a  big  trunk  off 
the  coffin,  when  the  voice  said  : 

"  Go  easy.     Glory  hallelujah  !" 

Then  they  all  turned  pale  again,  but  all  took  hold 
of  the  baggage  and  worked  with  a  will,  while  the 
doctor  held  a  screw  driver  he  had  fished  out  of  a 
tool  box. 

The  doctor  said  the  man  was  evidently  alive,  but 
the  chances  were  that  he  might  die  from  suffocation 
before  they  could  uns'crew  all  the  screws  of  the  out 
side  box  and  the  coffin,  and  he  said  he  didn't  know 
but  the  best  way  would  be  to  take  an  ax  and  break 
it  open. 

Fred  said  that  was  his  idea,  and  he  was  just  going 
for  the  ax  when  the  brakeman  moved  the  water 
barrel,  tipped  over  the  parrot  cage,  and  the  parrot 
shook  himself  and  looked  mad  and  said.  "There, 
butterfingers!  Polly  wants  a  cracker." 

Cornes  had  just  come  up  with  the  axe,  and  was 
about  to  tell  the  brakeman  to  chop  the  box,  when 
the  parrot  spoke. 

"  Well,  by ,"  said  the  baggageman.  The  doc 
tor  laughed,  the  brakeman  looked  out  the  door  to  see 
how  the  weather  was,  and  the  conductor  said,  "  I 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  [283 

knew  it  was  a  parrot  all  the  time,  but  you  fellows 
were  so  anxious  to  chop  into  the  box  that  I  was 
going  to  let  you.  I  never  saw  a  lot  of  men  with  so 
much  curiosity."  Then  they  all  united  in  trying  to 
bribe  the  doctor  not  to  tell  the  story  in  Milwaukee. 

GOT  IN  THE  WRONG  PEW. 

WHEN  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Association  left 
our  bed  and  board,  without  just  cause  or  provoca 
tion,  and  took  up  its  abode  in  Bon  Accord  Hall,  we 
felt  as  though  we  had  been  bereaved  of  a  fruitful 
source  of  items,  and  at  first  we  were  inclined  to  ad 
vertise  the  association,  and  warn  dealers  not  to  trust 
them  on  our  account,  as  their  credit  was  as  good  as 
ours,  but  almost  every  day  we  hear  of  something 
that  will  do  to  write  up. 

The  new  hall  of  the  association  was  formerly  used 
by  Prof.  Sherman  as  a  dancing  academy,  and  the 
other  night  when  young  Mr.  Collingbourne  agreed 
to  go  around  to  the  dancing  school  and  escort  a  lady 
friend  home,  about  half  past  nine,  he  did  not  know 
of  the  change.  At  the  appointed  time  he  went  to 
the  place  he  had  always  found  the  dancing  school, 
and  at  the  bottom  of  the  stairs  he  met  a  solemn 
looking  sort  of  person  who  handed  him  a  circular 
and  said,  "Come  in,  brother,  and  partake  freely  of 
the  waters  of  life." 

"You  bet  your  boots,"  says  Collingbourne,  as  he 
threw  his  cigar  into  the  street,  "  but  don't  we  get 
anything  but  water?" 

Mr.  Collingbourne  is  the  last  man  in  the  world 
who  would  appear  irreverent,  but  he  thought  it  was 
a  dancing  school,  and  when  a  mournful  looking 


284  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

man  on  the  first  landing  took  him  by  the  arm  and 
said,  "Come  all  ye  who  are  weary  and  heavy  laden," 
he  felt  that  there  was  an  effort  being  made  to  snatch 
his  watch,  so  he  jerked  away  from  the  brother  and 
told  him  he  didn't  want  any  taffy,  and  if  he  wasn't 
careful  he  would  get  kicked  so  his  head  would  ache. 

The  good  brother  thought  Collingbourne  was  a 
brand  that  it  would  be  creditable  to  pluck  from  the 
burning,  so  he  followed  him  up  stairs,  telling  him 
there  was  salvation  for  all,  only  to  meet  with  the  re 
ply  that  he  better  mind  his  own  business  or  he  would 
get  salivated  so  his  folks  would  not  know  him. 

At  the  top  of  the  stairs  he  met  two  men  that  he 
had  never  seen  at  the  dancing  school,  and  he  felt  as", 
though  he  was  being  cornered  for  no  good,  as  the 
other  fellow  had  closed  in  on  his  rear.  The  two  new 
brothers  each  took  hold  of  one  of  his  hands,  and 
were  telling  him  how  glad  they  were  that  he  had 
shown  a  disposition  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  and  try 
to  lead  a  different  life,  and  they  began  to  picture  to 
nim  the  beauty  of  faith,  when  he  backed  up  against 
the  railing  and  said,  "I  don't  know  who  you  fellows 
are,  but  you  have  tackled  the  wrong  boy.  I  have 
been  brought  up  in  this  town,  and  I  know  all  the 
games,  and  you  can't  get  me  on  any  racket,"  and 
then  he  looked  at  the  door,  as  the  piano  sounded  the 
beautiful  tune,  "From  Greenland's  Icy  Mountains," 
and  asked,  "What  time  does  the  cotillion  break 
up?"  The  good  brother  told  him  it  was  early  yet, 
and  "while  the  lamp  holds  out  to  burn,  the  vilest 
sinner  may  return." 

The  visitor  said  he  would  go  in,  he  guessed,  and 
shake  his  foot  once,  just  for  luck,  and  he  opened 
the  door.  Such  a  sight  met  his  eyes  as  he  never 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  285 

saw  in  a  dancing  school  before.  The  whole  congre 
gation  nearly,  was  on  its  knees,  and  a  good  man 
was  offering  up  a  prayer  that  was  indeed  beautiful. 
Collingborne  began  to  sweat  in  three  different 
languages,  but  being  a  gentleman  who  had  the 
most  unbounded  respect  for  religion  in  all  its  forms, 
he  uncovered  his  head  and  bowed  reverently  while 
the  prayer  was  being  uttered. 

When  it  was  through  he  turned  to  one  of  the  truly 
good  people  in  the  hall,  that  had  watched  his  devo-  ' 
tion,  and  said,  "Say,  boss,  this  is  evidently  a  new 
scheme.  I  thought  this  was  Sherman's  dancing 
school-.  You  must  excuse  my  seeming  irreverence. 
If  you  will  kick  me  down  stairs  I  will  consider  it  a 
special  dispensation  of  providence/'  and  he  went 
down  into  the  wicked  world  and  asked  a  policeman 
where  the  dancing  school  was.  All  the  way  home 
the  lady  friend  asked  him  what  made  him  so  solemn, 
but  he  only  said  his  boots  fit  him  too  quick.  He 
never  goes  to  a  dancing  school  now  without  finding 
out  if  it  is  there  yet. 

PALACE    CATTLE    CABS. 

THE  papers  are  publishing  accounts  of  the  arrival 
east  of  a  train  of  palace 'cattle  cars,  and  illustrating 
how  much  better  the  cattle  feel  after  a  trip  in  one 
of  these  cars,  than  cattle  did  when  they  made  the 
journey  in  the  ordinary  cattle  cars. 

As  we  understand  it  the  cars  are  fitted  up  in  the 
most  gorgeous  manner,  in  mahogany  and  rosewood, 
and  the  upholstering  is  something  perfectly  grand, 
and  never  before  undertaken  except  in  the  palaces 
of  the  old  world. 


286  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

As  you  enter  the  car  there  is  a  reception  room, 
with  a  few  chairs,  a  lounge  and  an  ottoman,  and  a 
Texas  steer  gently  waves  you  to  a  seat  with  his 
horns,  while  he  switches  off  your  hat  with  his  tail. 
If  there  is  any  particular  cow,  or  steer,  or  ox,  that 
you  wish  to  see,  you  give  your  card  to  the  attendant 
steer,  and  he  excuses  himself  and  trots  off  to  find 
the  one  you  desire  to  see.  You  do  not  have  long  to 
wait,  for  the  animal  courteously  rises,  humps  up  his 
or  her  back,  stretches,  yawns,  and  with  the  remark, 
"  the  galoot  wants  to  interview  me,  probably,  and  I 
wish  he  would  keep  away,"  the  particular  one 
sought  for  comes  to  the  reception  room  and  puts  out 
its  front  foot  for  a  shake,  smiles  and  says,  uGlad 
you  came.  Was  afraid  you  would  let  us  go  away 
and  not  call." 

Then  the  cow  or  steer  sits  down  on  its  haunches 
and  the  conversation  flows  in  easy  channels.  You 
ask  how  they  like  the  country,  and  if  they  have 
good  times,  and  if  they  are  not  hard  worked,  and  all 
that;  and  they  yawn  and  say  the  country  is  splendid 
at  this  season  of  the  year,  and  that  when  passing 
along  the  road  they  feel  as  though  they  would  like 
to  get  out  in  some  meadow,  and  eat  grass  and 
switch  flies. 

The  steer  asks  the  visitor  if  he  does  not  want  to 
look  through  the  car,  when  he  says  he  would  like  to 
if  it  is  not  too  much  trouble.  The  steer  says  it  is  no 
trouble  at  all,  at  the  same  time  shaking  his  horns  as 
though  he  was  mad,  and  kicking  some  of  the  gild 
ing  off  of  a  stateroom. 

,  "  This,"  says  the  steer  who  is  doing  the  honors, 
"is  the  stateroom  occupied  by  old  Brindle,  who  is 
being  shipped  from  St.  Joseph,  Mo.  Brindle  weighs 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  287 

1,600  on  foot — Brindle,  get  up  and  show  yourself  to 
the  gentleman." 

Brindle  kicks  off  the  red  blanket,  rolls  her  eyes  in 
a  lazy  sort  of  way,  bellows,  and  stands  up  in  the 
berth,  humps  up  her  back  so  .it  raises  the  upper 
berth  and  causes  a  heifer  that  is  trying  to  sleep  off  a 
debauch  of  bran  mash,  to  kick  like  a  steer,  and  then 
looks  at  the  interviewer  as  much  as  to  say,  "O,  go 
on  now  and  give  us  a  rest."  Brindle  turns  her  head 
to  a  fountain  that  is  near,  in  which  Apollinaris  water 
is  flowing,  perfumed  with  new  mown  hay,  drinks, 
turns  her  head,  and  licks  her  back,  and  stops  and 
thinks,  and  then  looking  around  as  much  as  to  say, 
"Gentlemen,  you  will  have  to  excuse  me,"  lays 
down  with  her  head  on  a  pillow,  pulls  the  coverlid 
over  her  and  begins  to  snore." 

The  attendant  steer  steers  the  visitor  along  the 
next  apartment,  which  is  a  large  one,  filled  with 
cattle  in  all  positions.  One  is  lying  in  a  hammock, 
with  her  feet  on  the  window,  reading  the  Chicago 
Times  article  on  "  Oleomargerine,  or  Bull  Butter," 
at  intervals  stopping  the  reading  to  curse  the  writer, 
who  claims  that  oleomargarine  is  an  unlawful  pre 
paration,  containing  deleterious  substances. 

A  party  of  four  oxen  are  seated  around  a  table 
playing  seven-up  for  the  drinks,  and  as  the  attend 
ant  steer  passes  along,  a  speckled  ox  with  one  horn 
broken,  orders  four  pails  full  of  Waukesha  water 
with  a  dash  of  oatmeal  in  it,  "and  make  it  hot," 
says  the  ox,  as  he  counts  up  high,  low,  jack  and  the 
game. 

Passing  the  card  players  the  visitor  notices  an 
upright  piano,  and  asks  what  that  is  for,  and  the 
attendant  steer  says  they  are  all  fond  of  music,  and 


288  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

asks  if  he.  would  not  like  to  hear  some  of  the  cattle 
play.  He  says  he  would,  and  the  steer  calls  out  a 
white  cow  who  is  sketching,  and  asks  her  to  warble 
a  few  notes.  The  cow  seats  herself  on  her  haunches 
on  the  piano  stool,  after  saying  she  has  such  a  cold 
she  can't  sing,  and,  besides,  has  left  her  notes  at 
home  in  the  pasture.  Turning  over  a  few  leaves 
with  her  forward  hoof,  she  finds  something  familiar, 
and  proceeds  to  walk  on  the  piano  keys  with  her 
forward  feet  and  bellow,  "  Meat  me  in  the  slaughter 
house  when  the  due  bill  falls,"  or  something  of  that 
kind,  when  the  visitor  says  he  has  got  to  go  up  to 
the  stock  yards  and  attend  a  reception  of  Colorado 
cattle,  and  he  lights  out. 

We  should  think  these  parlor  cattle  cars  would  be 
a  success,  and  that  cattle  would  enjoy  them  very 
much.  It  is  said  that  parties  desiring  to  charter 
these  cars  for  excursions  for  human  beings,  can  be 
accommodated  at  any  time  when  they  are  not 
needed  to  transport  cattle,  if  they  will  give  bonds 
to  return  them  in  as  good  order  as  they  find  them. 

DUCK  OB  NO  DINNER. 

THERE  is  nothing  that  gives  pious  people  more  an 
noyance  than  to  hear  shooting  on  Sunday  on  some 
adjacent  marsh  while  they  are  worshipping,  and 
there  is  nothing  much  more  annoying  to  wicked 
Sunday  hunters  than  to  have  ducks  fly  habitually 
in  the  vicinity  of  a  church. 

Winneconne,  up  on  the  Wolf  river,  is  about  evenly 
divided  between-church  going  people  and  those  who 
take  more  pleasure  in  standing  behind  a  shot  gun. 
When  ducks  fly  about  Winneconne  in  the  spring 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  289 

they  follow  the  river  up  and  down,  and  the  bridge 
in  town  is  a  favorite  place  for  hunters  to  stand  and 
pepper  the  ducks  with  shot. 

One  Sunday  about  three  weeks  ago  the  ducks  were 
flying  terrible,  and  when  the  bell  rung  for  church 
the  bridge  was  pretty  well  covered  with  hunters, 
and  many  worshippers  entered  the  church  hard  by 
with  the  smell  of  powder  in  their  spring  bonnets 
The  hunters  were  so  interested  in  the  ducks  of  the 
air  that  they  did  not  notice  the  ducks  on  the  way  to 
church. 

Finally  the  church  people  all  got  seated  and  the 
minister  gave  them  an  excellent  sermon,  which  was 
only  occasionally  interrupted  by  the  good  man 
dodging  down  behind  the  pulpit  to  escape  a  stray 
charge  of  No.  4  shot  which  came  through  the  open 
window.  No  complaint  was  made,  and  no  sarcastic 
remarks  were  made  about  the  wicked  men  who  were 
out  of  meat,  and  were  shooting  up  a  little  for  din 
ner,  though  there  were  silent  prayers  offered  for  the 
Sabbath  breakers. 

At  last  the  services  were  over,  and  the  chair  was 
singing,  "A  charge  to  keep  I  have,"  as  the  minister 
was  picking  some  duck  shot  out  of  his  trousers, 
when  there  was  a  commotion.  A  wounded  duck 
had  fallen  on  the  door  step  of  the  church  and  being 
only  "winged"  had  fluttered  into  the  church,  and 
crawled  under  the  seats,  when-  a  couple  of  retriever 
dogs  belonging  to  a  German  rushed  into  the  sacred 
edifice  and  went  howling  under  the  seats  after  the 
duck,  while  the  owner's  voice  could  be  heard  out 
side  yelling,  "Rouse  mit  em!" 

Well,  some  of  them,  those  who  had  clock  work 
stockings,  held  their  feet  up  in  the  air  to  get  them 


290  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

away  from  the  dogs,  while  ethers  jumped  up  on  the 
pews  and  yelled  bloody  murder.  Some  went  for  the 
windows,  and  a  brakeman  tells  us  that  the  senior 
deacon  fainted  away. 

The  dogs  retrieved  the  duck,  and  as  the  congrega 
tion  came  out  of  the  church  the  German  went  down 
toward  the  bridge  wringing  the  neck  of  the  duck 
and  kicking  the  dogs  for  not  having  more  sense 
than  to  go  right  into  a  church  during  service. 

The  hunters  of  Winneconne  should  be  talked  to 
by  the  presiding  elder.  They  do  very  wrong  to 
shoot  on  Sunday. 

THE  GUINEA  PIG. 

NOBODY  knows  who  is  to  blame  for  bringing  the 
first  Guinea  pig  to  this  country,  but  certainly  he 
didn't  do  anything  very  creditable.  A  Guinea  pig, 
does  not  know  anything,  and  never  learns  any 
thing.  It  is  quite  a  neat  little  plaything  for  children, 
and  if  it  had  any  sense  would  become  a  pet,  but  it 
never  learns  a  thing. 

A  lady  living  near  a  theatre  in  this  city  bought  a 
Guinea  pig  in  Chicago  recently  and  brought  it  home, 
and  it  has  been  in  the  family  ever  since,  and  it  has 
never  learned  anything  except  when  it  is  hungry  it 
goes  to  the  lady  and  nibbles  her  foot,  and  how  it 
learned  that  nobody  knows. 

One  day  it  got  away  and  strayed  into  the  theatre, 
where  it  ran  around  until  the  audience  got  seated 
for  the  evening  performance,  when  the  pig  began 
to  fool  around  under  the  seats,  probably  looking  for 
the  lady  that  owned  it.  On  the  front  row  in  the 
dress  circle  was  a  young  man  and  woman  from 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  291 

Waukesha.  Whether  the  Guinea  pig  mistook  the 
girl  for  its  owner  or  not  is  not  positively  known,  but 
the  animal  was  seen  to  go  under  the  seat  occupied 
by  the  young  woman. 

Her  attendant  was  leaning  over  her  shoulder 
whispering  in  her  ear,  when  suddenly  she  jumped 
about  two  feet  high,  and  grabbed  her  dress  with 
both  hands.  Her  feller  had  his  chin  scratched  by  a 
pin  that  held  a  bow  oh  her  shoulder,  and  as  he  wiped 
it  off  he  asked  her,  as  she  came  down  into  the  seat 
again,  if  she  had  them  often. 

A  bald-headed  citizen  who  sat  next  to  her  looked 
around  at  the  woman  in  astonishment,  and  took  up 
his  overcoat  and  moved  to  another  seat.  She  looked 
sassy  at  the  bald-headed  man,  and  told  her  escort  the 
man  had  insulted  her.  He  said  he  would  attend  to 
the  man  after  the  show  was  out. 

About  three  seats  further  down  toward  the  stage 
there  was  a  girl  from  the  West  Side,  with  a  young 
fellow,  and  they  were  very  sociable.  Suddenly  he 
leaned  over  to  pick  up  a  programme  he  had  dropped, 
just  as  the  Guinea  pig  nibbled  her  instep.  She  drew 
herself  away  from  her  escort,  blushing,  and  indig 
nation  depicted  on  every  feature,  looked  the  other 
way,  and  would  not  speak  to  him  again  during  the 
whole  evening.  He  thought  she  was  flirting  with 
somebody  else,  and  he  was  mad,  and  they  sat  there 
all  the  evening  looking  as  though  they  were  mar 
ried. 

The  Guinea  pig  went  on  down  the  row,  and  pres 
ently  another  woman  hopped  up  clear  out  of  the 
seat,  said,  "  For  heaven's  sake  what  was  that?"  and 
looked  around  at  a  man  who  sat  in  the  seat  behind 
her  as  though  she  could  eat  him  raw. 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

Just  before  the  curtain  rose  the  pig  got  into  a 
lady's  rubber  and  went  to  sleep,  and  when  the  per 
formance  was  over  and  she  went  to  put  on  the  shoe, 
she  screamed  a  little  and  jumped  up  on  the  seat,  and 
said  something  about  rats,  which  brought  an  usher 
to  her  assistance,  and  he  took  the  Guinea  pig  and 
sent  it  to  its  owner.  For  a  few  minutes  there  was 
almost  as  much  commotion  as  there  would  be  at  a 
picnic  if  a  boy  should  break  up  a  nest  of  hornets. 

FAILURE  OF  A  SOLID  INSTITUTION. 

WE  are  astonished  to  see  that  a  Boston  dealer  in 
canned  goods  has  failed.  If  there  is  one  branch  of 
business  that  ought  to  be  solid  it  is  that  of  canning 
fruits  and  things,  for  there  must  be  the  almightiest 
profit  on  it  that  there  is  on  anything.  It  must  be 
remembered  that  the  stuff  is  canned  when  it  is  not 
salable  in  its  natural  state. 

If  the  canners  took  tomatoes,  for  instance,  when 
they  first  came  around,  at  half  a  dollar  for  six,  and 
canned  them,  there  would  be  some  excuse  for  charg 
ing  twenty -five  cents  for  a  tin  thing  full,  but  they 
wait  until  the  vines  are  so  full  of  tomatoes  that  the 
producer  will  pay  the  cartage  if  you  will  haul  them 
away,  and  then  the  tomatoes  are  dipped  into  hot 
water  so  the  skin  will  drop  off,  and  they  are  chucked 
into  cans  that  cost  two  cents  each,  and  you  pay  two 
shillings  for  them,  when  you  get  hungry  for  toma 
toes.  The  same  way  with  peas,  and  peaches,  and 
everything. 

Did  you  ever  try  to  eat  canned  peas?  They  are 
always  old  back  numbers  that  are  as  hard  and  taste 
less  as  chips,  and  are  canned  after  they  have  been 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  293 

dried  for  seed.  We  bought  a  can  of  peas  once  for 
two  shillings  and  couldn't  crack  them  with  a  nut 
cracker.  But  they  were  not  a  dead  loss,  as  we  used 
them  the  next  fall  for  buck  shot.  Actually,  we  shot 
a  coon  with  a  charge  of  those  peas,  and  he  came 
down  and  struck  the  water,  and  died  of  the  cholera 
morbus  the  next  day. 

Talk  of  canned  peaches;  in  the  course  of  a  bril 
liant  career  of  forty  years  we  have  never  seen  only 
six  cans  of  peaches  that  were  worth  the  powder  to 
blast  them  open.  A  man  that  will  invent  a  can 
opener  that  will  split  open  one  of  these  pale,  sickly, 
hard  hearted  canned  peaches,  that  swim  around  in 
a  pint  of  slippery  elm  juice  in  a  tin  can,  has  got  a 
fortune.  And  they  have  got  to  canning  pumpkin, 
and  charging  money  for  it. 

Why,  for  a  dollar  a  canning  firm  can  buy  pump 
kins  enough  to  fill  all  the  tin  cans  that  they  can 
make  in  a  year,  and  yet  they  charge  a  fellow  twenty 
cents  for  a  can  of  pumpkin,  and  then  the  canning 
establishment  fails.  It  must  be  that  some  raw 
pumpkin  has  soured  on  the  hands  of  the  Boston 
firm,  or  may  be,  and  now  we  think  we  are  on  the 
right  track  to  ferret  out  the  failure,  it  may  be  that 
the  canning  of  Boston  baked  beans  is  what  caused 
the  stoppage. 

We  had  read  of  Boston  baked  beans  since  school 
days,  and  had  never  seen  any  till  four  years  ago, 
when  we  went  to  a  picnic  and  bought  a  can  to  take 
along.  We  knew  how  baked  beans  ought  to  be 
cooked  from  years'  experience,  but  supposed  the 
Boston  bean  must  hold  over  every  other  bean,  so 
when  the  can  was  opened  and  we  found  that  every 
bean  was  separate  from  every  other  bean,  and 


294  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

seemed  to  be  out  on  its  own  recognizance,  and  that 
they  were  as  hard  as  a  flint,  we  gave  them  to  the 
children  to  play  marbles  with,  and  soured  on  Boston 
baked  beans.  Probably  it  was  canning  Boston 
beans  that  broke  up  the  canning  establishment. 


THE  Decoration  Day  exercise^  at  Appleton  were 
somewhat  marred  by  a  discussion  as  to  whether  the 
graves  of  Confederate  soldiers  should  be  decorated, 
and  one  man — Prof.  Sawyer — a  soldier  who  lost  a  leg 
in  the  army,  said  that  if  anybody  should  attempt  to 
decorate  a  rebel  soldier's  grave  in  his  vicinity,  it 
would  have  to  be  done  over  his  —  Sawyer's — dead 
body. 

Notwithstanding  this  heartrending  recital,  the 
graves  of  rebel  soldiers  in  many  places  in  this  state 
and  throughout  the  north,  were  decorated  by  Union 
soldiers.  What  hurt  does  it  do  to  throw  a  few 
flowers  on  the  clay  that  covers  one  who  was  once 
your  enemy  ?  Nobody  thinks  less  of  the  Union 
soldier  for  it,  and  it  would  make  the  southern  mother 
or  sister  of  the  dead  boy  feel  so  much  better  to  know 
that  kind  hands  at  the  north  had  done  a  noble  act. 

Suppose  this  Professor  Sawyer  had  been  killed 
and  buried  down  south,  and  the  Confederate  people 
should  be  decorating  the  graves  of  their  own  dead, 
and  they  should  throw  a  few  flowers  on  his  grave, 
and  some  hot-headed  vindictive  rebel  should  get  on 
his  ear  and  say  that  the  man  who  laid  that  bouquet 
on  the  Yankee's  grave  would  have  to  take  it  off  or 
fight.  The  professor,  if  he  laid  there  and  heard  it, 
would  feel  like  getting  out  of  the  grave,  and  taking 


PECK'S  SUNSHINE.  295 

a  crutch  and  mauling  the  liver  out  of  the  bigoted 
rebel. 

It  is  not  the  rebel's  cause  that  we  decorate,  but  we 
put  a  few  flowers  above  his  remains  to  show  the 
people  who  loved  him  at  home,  that  there  is  nothing 
so  confounded  mean  about  us  after  all,  and  that  we 
do  as  we  would  be  done  by,  and  that  while  we 
were  mad,  and  sassy,  and  full  of  fight,  eighteen 
years  ago,  we  want  to  be  friends,  and  shake  hands 
over  the  respective  graves  of  our  loved  ones,  and 
quit  making  fools  of  ourselves. 


A  RIDICULOUS  scene  occurred  a  Palmyra,  the 
other  day.  The  furnace  in  the  basement  of  the 
church  is  reached  by  a  trap  door,  which  is  right 
beside  the  pulpit.  There  was  a  new  preacher  there 
from  abroad,  and  he  did  not  know  anything  about 
the  trap  door,  and  the  sexton  went  down  there  to  fix 
the  fire,  before  the  new  minister  arrived.  The  min 
ister  had  just  got  warmed  up  in  his  sermon,  and 
was  picturing  to  his  hearers  hell  in  all  its  heat.  He 
had  got  excited  and  told  of  the  lake  of  burning  brim 
stone  below,  where  the  devil  was  the  stoker,  and 
where  the  heat  was  ten  thousand  times  hotter  than 
a  political  campaign,  and  where  the  souls  of  the 
wicked  would  roast,  and  fry,  and  stew  until  the  place 
froze  over. 

Wiping  the  perspiration  from  his  face,  he  said, 
pointing  to  the  floor,  "  Ah,  my  friends,  look  down 
into  that  seething,  burning  lake,  and — '  Just  at 
this  point  the  trap  door  raised  a  little,  and  the  sex 
ton's  face,  with  coal  smut  all  over  it,  appeared.  He 
wanted  to  come  up  and  hear  the  sermon. 


296  PECK'S  SUNSHINE. 

If  hell  had  broke  loose,  the  new  minister  could  not 
have  been  more  astonished.  He  stepped  back, 
grasped  his  manuscript,  and  was  just  about  to  jump 
from  the  pulpit,  when  "a  deacon  on  the  front  seat 
said,  "It's  all  right,  brother,  he  has  only  been  down 
below  to  see  about  the  fire."  The  sexton  came  up 
and  shut  down  the  trap  door,  the  color  came  back  to 
the  face  of  the  minister,  and  he  went  on,  though  the 
incident  seemed  to  take  the  tuck  all  out  of  him. 

A  traveling  man  who  happened  to  be  at  the  church 
tells  us  that  he  knows  the  minister  was  scared,  for 
he  sweat  so  that  the  perspiration  run  right  down  on 
the  carpet  and  made  a  puddle  as  though  a  dipper  of 
water  had  been  tipped  over  there.  The  minister 
says  he  was  not  scared,  but  we  don't  see  how  he 
could  help  it. 


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Peck,  G.W.  P28 

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